i had a full spiraling over Danil now. i mean, hes been on my mind a lot lately for no reason (partial reason is that Druxy, a recently found alter, is a factive of him, but im not sure how it plays), sometimes even in my dreams despite me actively avoiding any thoughts of him, but this is the first ever time (out of what i remember) i broke down into tears about him. my breathing got fast as i thought about him, and then i just kinda curled up, cried and stayed like this, my hand covering my face. he hurt me. he was supposed to be my friend. i wish he was my friend. i wish he was my FRIEND. i wish he was MY friend. it's no surprise i turned to be a screen addict— i was severely lonely and isolated. i was going through family trauma at home where i was scared, emotionally neglected, and threatened, and then i went outside with my "friends" where i was shut down, ignored, sometimes physically overpowered, and labeled as the weirdo. no one wanted me anywhere, they all made it clear i was annoying them and the outcast. i had no one to talk to, or even have a hug with without feeling the power struggle. i did not know it was not normal to be treated by friends like this, and my family did not make me feel safe either, so i didn't tell anyone. when i finally started getting fed up and stopped going out as much with him, my family saw it as me replacing irl friendship for my computer, instead of me realizing i don't want to be abused. we had good moments too, y'know? at least i think. i remember going to school with him, or going home with him. sharing the path, the minibus. once we just went home without the bus (it was kinda a long way down the hill), and we were walking together, and i think i remember feeling nice, free even, and we chatted on the way. i do not remember any of our conversations at all, oddly, but some of it was good, right? i cant remember. i remember two of us sitting in my mom's car sometime (god the time stamps are so distorted), waiting to be taken home, and we fought while mom was away, and he kept hitting my thighs despite me telling him it hurts. its rly blurry. i remember crying and hugging the mini pillow and my mom scolding him. did he apologize? idk, it probably was half-assed. was it not a sign enough that he is not a good friend, mama? he WAS somewhat good, though. thats what hurts. he could be good. he just chose to hurt me. the past was not 20 years ago, he was grown enough to know by that time. he just chose to keep hurting me. and i still miss him. and i still wish we could talk honestly and openly without our parents or our past looming behind our shoulders. i was just another girl for him, another weirdo. does he even remember me now? i hope this stays in the back of his head all of his life, nudging him to be kinder, nudging him to treat others better than how he treated me. fuck, did i not suffer enough! why does every man hurt me in my life, i just wanted to love!