Dante: “Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water?”
Trish: “Y-you were putting it in cold water?”
Lady: “Dante! Answer the question Dante!”
Dante: “Yeah? I thought for like five years that people just put it into hot water to speed up the ‘teaification’ process. Didn’t realize there was an actual reason.”
Nico: “You don’t have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes?”
Nero: “Why are you, putting it in the microwave, to boil it?”
Nico: “Do you think I have the patience to boil water on a stove.”
Nero: “It takes less than a minute!”
Nico: “Bestie is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun!”
Nero: “How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove?!”
Nico: “Like seven minutes!”
Nero: “Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat, and it boils in like two minutes. Less than that and you use a saucepan.”
Nico: “You’re putting the whole mug on the stove? On medium heat! Your stove is enchanted.”
Morrison: “Every single person in this shop is a fucking lunatic.”
Just as silly thing I thought up while working on a related fic.
Lady:
She’s the only one that has learned how to drive formally (as in took the class in high school, got the permit, took the test, etc.)
Aced the road test on the first try
Can parallel park like a champ.
Got her motorcycle license shortly after DMC3 because driving around on one made her feel kinda badass, but also it’s easier to park those.
Not super good at driving on unpaved roads/terrain. She won’t crash or anything, it’s just not a pleasant time.
Morrison:
A very good and versatile driver
Can drive the best in normal weather conditions and can drive most types of four-wheeled vehicles (cars, trucks, pickups, vans, etc.)
Used to want to try a motorcycle, but says he’s too old for it now
Nero:
Not a bad driver by any means, but gets uncomfortable on highways
Cars aren’t required on Fortuna so he’s never had to share the road with a ton of people.
Dante offered to teach him how to ride a motorcycle, but he rejected the idea immediately.
Knows how to service most vehicles so he’s the de facto mechanic for everyone’s bikes
Kyrie:
A decent driver
Gets nervous in traffic (again, Fortuna doesn’t have a lot of drivers)
The biggest thing she’s ever had to handle is a sedan
Hands down the sanest and most even-tempered driver of the group
Patty:
Also a decent driver, though prone to aggression when she feels wronged
Had to take the road test twice but only because she got nervous and choked the first time
Learned from her mom and Lady
Currently learning how to ride a motorcycle in case she needs to do it in an emergency since that’s what Dante, Lady, and Trish all have
Dante:
He knows how to drive a regular car in theory, but he’s literally never had to
Didn’t have a license for a long time since he didn’t formally learn how to drive, but does have a motorcycle one now
Learned how to drive a motorcycle on the fly one night when he was young. Grue had gotten too drunk and Dante brought him back home. It was a long night.
Grue actually taught him properly later and Dante became the designated driver after that
Used to do some street racing back when he was younger. He and Trish still do from time to time.
Trish:
Only knows how to drive a motorcycle
Is a complete passenger princess whenever she can get away with it
Gets pulled over a lot for speeding
Never got a license which makes the aforementioned getting pulled over suck even more
Has to dip out of town every so often when the cops start getting on her case.
Sera (OC):
Studied for and took the written exam when she was 18
Was literally a week away from taking the road test and then she unlocked her DT and learned how to fly
Never bothered with driving anything after that or keeping up the skill
Nico:
Learned how to drive from her uncle in his pickup truck
Never got her license because she kept failing the test and eventually gave up
Has trouble parking and remembering to use turn signals
Secretly scared to drive a motorcycle because she can’t even balance on a regular bike
Vergil:
Cannot drive and is not willing to learn at this point
Do not put him behind the wheel of anything, he does not know what he’s doing
In all fairness, he never had the opportunity to learn
This entire AU is self-indulgent fun. This is less a fic and more just ideas I have for the AU in one long post. (Even then it ended up being a lot longer than I expected it to be lmao) Let me know what you guys think!
~
The Father: Known as Tony Redgrave, works as a doctor in the largest hospital in Fortuna.
Real identity: Dante last name redacted. A secret agent for an organization called DMC, a resistance group from the country of Redgrave designed to take down the Theocracy ruling Fortuna (which is rumored to be doing illegal human experiments, selling weapons to terrorist organizations, and other criminal activity.)
Dante joined DMC at a very young age, youngest member they've ever had. Even then, he has lived more life and dealt with more suffering than most. His family home was bombed when he was only 8 years old, killing his mother and separating him. Even before that, his father, a general in the Fortuna army went MIA. Rumors spread that he abandoned the army to join the Regrave rebels (A common insult in Fortuna, despite Redgrave being its own established country). Forced to live out on his own, he learned quickly of the horrors of Fortuna and wants to put an end to the people in charge.
Embolden by the stories of his father, he escapes to Redgrave, working as a mercenary to make sure he has somewhere to sleep and something to eat.
This is when he meets Trish, code name Handler. A remarkable spy, known for her skills of disguise and her ability to discover state secrets, who happens to look exactly like Dante's late mother. Is she an example of the illegal human experiments of Fortuna? Is she a secret relative? Secret sister? Or is this all a pure coincidence? Only thing he knows for sure is that the rumor of his father defecting were true. In fact, he founded DMC when he just turned 20.
Emboldened by his father's history, he rises the ranks of DMC quickly, proving himself to be an amazing spy.
Thus he gets assigned Operation Strix.
Operation Strix: A top member of the Order of the Sword (aka the leaders of Fortuna) named Mortis is known as a recluse, but also one of the most important strategist. In order to get close to him, Dante must infiltrate Eden College by posing as a parent of a student who is the same age as Mortis' youngest daughter Kyrie. He has two options, his child becomes very close friends with Kyrie and/or rises through the academic ranks to become an Imperial Scholar like Mortis' older son Credo. Mortis is known for attending events for his son. Guess even evil masterminds can be good dads.
The problem? He doesn't have a child! Or even a girlfriend for that matter. He has the worst luck with women.
And the mission is supposed to start within one week?! Does Trish hate him or something?!
Well, he could at least start with a kid. He knows quite a few orphanages around Fortuna. He's sure he can find one that fits the bill.
~
The Daughter: Known as Patty Lowell Redgrave. Former orphan, future Imperial Scholar.
Real Identity: Patty Lowell Redgrave, the Telepath. Experimented on from a very young age, Patty can read minds of those around her; though the more people she hears more overwhelming it gets for her.
Reading Dante's mind as he walks into the orphanage, she learns 3 things about him:
He's clearly a spy, which is really cool
He can't tell how old she actually is. (He's looking for a 6 year old but she's actually 4 and a half)
He talks a lot in his head.
Using the knowledge she has gathered, she passes Dante's test and gets herself adopted.
This is going to be great for her! Her dad's now a really cool spy, just like in her favorite TV show, meaning she can go on missions and wear all the latest fashion to achieve her dream of becoming a fashion designer.
Only, her dad is obsessed with getting her into Eden College and with her studying all the time! This is not fun at all! Television lied to her.
Oh well, her dad looks so happy that she passed the entrance exam. So happy that he picked her up and swung her around and then they got to cuddle on the couch!
Sadly, the cuddle and nap was cut short by the mail man. With a letter from Eden College!
In order for Patty to get into Eden, she must pass an interview with both her parents.
Both her parents.
Her mother and father.
But she has no mother. And now her dad is freaking out.
Well, nothing a shopping trip can't fix! They need to look their best for the interview.
Oh? Who's that pretty lady by the counter?
~
The Mother: Known as Mary Arkham Redgrave. A Civil Servant, working as an office clerk at Fortuna City Hall. Originally single by choice, she overhears her coworkers planning to turn her into Fortuna's Holy Knights (aka the secret police of Fortuna) for her closed off nature and unmarried status. Because of this, she agrees to marry Tony, an odd and aloof but surprisingly sweet man she met at her tailors, to protect each other and to help him get his daughter Patty into Eden College.
Real Identity: Lady, a female assassin working for an organization for known as the Protectors. A group with no connection to Fortuna or Redgrave, only believing in stopping those they are hired to kill or protect. Lady does not fully agree with their ideology as she knows the horrors of the Order of the Sword.
When Lady was younger, still going by Mary, she was the daughter of a well-known Fortuna scientist Dr. Arkham and his wife Kalina Ann. She was even set to join Eden College. Sadly, tragedy struck the family when Dr. Arkham was arrested and sentence to death for the mother of his wife.
But Lady knows better.
Her father did not only kill her mother, he tortured her, experimented on her. Her mother died fighting him, trying to protect her daughter.
Not that anyone would listen to Lady about it, afterall she was just a child.
As the years go on, she hears nothing about her father, nothing about his execution or even what jail he's supposed to be in. The Order of the Sword would like her to believe that he's gone forever.
She knows better.
She is sure that her father was never actually arrest and is still working for the Order of the Sword, continuing to help with their illegal human experiments.
She will find him and avenge her mother.
For now, she is being a good wife to Tony, a great mother to Patty, an even better assassin and just maybe, maybe learn how to cook.
~
The family is not alone, they have plenty of allies and enemies by their side.
At DMC, Dante and Trish work with:
Morrison: An informant who works for DMC. Owns a newspaper stand and can get anything Dante needs for his missions, aside from weapons. He doesn't like them and that's someone else's job.
Nell Goldstein: Weapons expert for DMC as well as the Protectors. She technically knows Lady's secret identity but since she's never actually met Mary Arkham Redgrave, she doesn't know that she knows. (Remember Lady goes by Lady for her assassin work
Lucia: A fellow Spy at DMC who sometimes does missions with Dante. She even works as a secretary at the same hospital as Tony, but her Fortuna civilian name is Chi. To Dante, she seems very closed off and quiet. He's not wrong. She is but that is because she is hiding a huge crush on him. (Though, after seeing the genuine connection between Dante and Lady. she realizes her crush is one-sided. Also, has Handler always been that pretty? Why is everybody hot???)
Vergil: Dante's twin brother. Like Dante, he also lived in orphanages. Unlike Dante, Vergil threw himself into reading and learning. He hopes to be an university professor. Unfortunately, he cannot afford to put himself through college so he has to join the military. He figured he would do the minimum amount of years he needs and leave as soon a she can. Unfortunately, Vergil never gives minimum effort to anything which causes him to rise the military ranks. When he finally thinks he has an opportunity to leave, he is instead pushed to join the secret police. It has great benefits and your wife just had a baby! So he agrees, with the understanding that he will quit as soon as he finishes his master's and PhD program. His commander agrees, thinking that as he continues to serve in secret police, he will become much more loyal to Fortuna. Spoilers, he does not, he is only loyal to his wife Lira and his son Nero. He is so proud of Nero for getting into Eden College. He's sure he is surrounded by his hardworking classmates. Oh? Why does that parent look so familiar?
Wait, DANTE?! What is he doing here?! Why is he going by Tony Redgrave?! Who is also a doctor?! With a family?!
Something is clearly going on!
He tries talking to Dante but he seems hellbent on pretending he doesn't know him and that's this guy Tony.
Oh no, was his brother a spy? He's either a spy or just messing with him. Both equally plausible explanations.
He will get to the bottom of this! And he will have help.
Nero: Patty's cousin/classmate/academic rival. A rivalry started by Patty for punching him. (Even though the only reason she punched him was because he was teasing her for being short.) He will prove himself the best and win every Stella for his dad! That's his only motivation, definitely not to impress his classmate Kyrie. His very cute and sweet classmate. Nope, not at all.
Matier: Patty, Nero and Kyrie's teacher. She a very kind and caring teacher but get on her bad side or break one of the many rules of Eden College and she will show you her bad side.
~
Here are some ideas based on canon moments from SpyxFamily:
Patty and Kyrie become best friends though Kyrie does sometimes see Patty as a little sister she needs to take care of.
Kyrie's family is very rich and the first time they hang out outside of school is at a giant shopping mall.
Nero once gave up his lucky dessert because Kyrie was sad she couldn't have one.
Vergil invites himself and his family over for dinner at the Redgrave household. Lady and Dante rush to have their house look more like a married couple. This results in them almost burning dinner. During the dinner, Vergil, Lady and Dante all take turns trying to subtle interrogate each other. (Lira has no idea the entire time). Meanwhile, Nero and Patty are teasing each other the entire time. Eventually, Vergil reveals Dante's real name, Dante notably shakened by this before admitting that yes, his real name is Dante but he changed it because he didn't want to be known as the son of a traitor. Lady backs him up by describing what her life was liked being known as the daughter of a murderer, stating that this year has been great because she has been rid of the name. (She of course is lying because they agreed their fake marriage would be more believable to the Eden College staff if it has been at least a year.) Vergil see the genuine looks they are giving each other and agrees to keep Dante's true identity a secret. Nero and Patty agree to a truce on their rivalry for their family (which lasts until the next day at school).
Lucia develops a love of tennis after her and Dante's tennis based mission.
~
And finally, things that would happen entirely original to this AU.
Lady, after the cruise arc, chooses to pull herself more and more away from the Protectors before out right quitting.
After discovering each other true identities and confessing their true feelings, Lady joins DMC
Vergil ends up quitting the Holy Knights and finally become a professor.
Dante eventually tells him everything and while Vergil never officially joins DMC, he does give Dante tips from time to time.
Nero stands up for Patty against their classmates. He earns a kiss on the cheek from Kyrie.
Dante and Vergil eventually get their family out of Fortuna after the Order falls and they all move to Redgrave. They rebuild the family home that Dante and Vergil used to have.
`~
I'll probably stick to random one-shots for this AU rather than a chapter fic. Oh, let me know if you have any questions about this AU!
So as I was eating my dinner of ramen, I was thinking about how the DMC characters probably all have sort of bad diets... or if some of the even need to eat at all...
Dante:
This is the most obvious. He seems to eat mostly pizza, strawberry sundaes, tomato juice, and alcohol. We never see him eat anything else...
But I imagine he eats other take out foods, and is will to try anything. Although he's probably frustrating because he likes cheap foods the same as expensive ones.
He could learn how to cook (and would probably be good at it), but doesn't care to, and if he had to eat, he would live off of microwave meals and boiled hotdogs. He is a good bartender.
Vergil:
I think in canon Vergil has survived off of demon meat, so I assume he can eat that. I doubt he likes it though... Maybe he is the type to like raw food. He's a tatare and sushi guy if there ever was one. I HC that he loves fancy coffees, and the really sugary ones too, although he wouldn't admit or address it. He also likes tea (obviously) with milk and sugar.
I think Vergil could learn to cook and would like it. Although he might have strange tastes compared to others.
(For V, everything the same except he will admit he likes sugary coffee lattes and drinks. Also V would drink a bubble tea. )
Nero:
Kyrie feeds him well. When he's gone, she packs his lunches, so at least his first couple meals are sandwiches made with love, after that he survives off of ramen and fast food. Although he can make sandwiches. I don't know if the van has a fridge, so that decides if he's eating that for every meal. Other HC I have about Nero is that Fortuna is a big coffee drinking culture and he drinks a lot of black coffee. The caffeine doesn't do much for him, but he likes the taste.
Nico:
I think Nico would also be a black coffee and cigarettes type person, although she'd have energy drinks too. Her diet would be a lot of snacks. I think where Nero knows how to make basic stuff, Nico does not, and would maybe make cup noodle. When she gets into projects I think she would be the type to eat half a protein bar and an energy drink (with a cigarette) and drive Nero a little crazy. She would also get sandwiches from Kyrie though. If they have a fridge, I imagine there are uncrustables in it next to the beer XD.
Trish:
I don't actually think Trish needs to eat. We see her eat pizza, so she can eat, but I'm going to say that eating for her is completely optional, and that she eats and drinks socially. I'm going to say that like Vergil, raw meat is something she has a taste for, and that she likes fine dining and wine if she's going out to experience it herself. She probably likes trying food while traveling as well. She doesn't know how to cook, and doesn't care to learn.
Lady:
I feel like Lady in her day to day life eats a sort of sad, but efficient, chicken breast, spinach, tuna, brown rice, fruit smoothie type life. Like, she won't turn her nose up at fast food or take out, but if she's eating by herself she is eating healthy protein rich same-y foods. In terms of cooking for other people, the stuff she does know how to cook are more casseroles and pasta, although she doesn't really like cooking (hence the usual spartan style.) I think she knows one cookie and one pie recipe that her mother taught her, but she doesn't bake it very often.
Kyrie:
You know she's a domestic QUEEN and Nero and Nico are eternally grateful. She pours so much love into everything she cooks and loves learning new recipes. One of the few things we know about Kyrie canonically is that she always makes too much, and so whenever she does cook, its on an industrial scale. She doesn't know how to half recipes, but lucky for her, Nero can eat like a horse.
Lucia:
Going to say that Lucia also doesn't need to eat because she is a demon, and ate socially because Matier made her meals. Lucia would help with cooking and knows how to make dishes that are basic to Vie Di Marli. I think she would enjoy baking though. I HC that demons all have a bit of a sweet tooth.
Morrison:
Morrison is probably the most normal out of everyone honestly. idk, I think it's implied he's a bachelor and so he probably knows how to cook for one really well. He eats out a lot, but isn't going to starve if left on his own.
Patty:
Patty probably went through a vegetarian phase, although it passes. She continues to like sweets, and learns how to bake to fuel her sweets addiction. So her diet is also pretty uneven of sugar and healthy salads. She can cook some basics because she was orphaned at a young age, but once she starts living with her mom again, she lets herself be pampered.
Many may disagree, but despite the company of Trish and Lady throughout DMC's history, the closest thing to a 'best friend' that Dante has ever had is Morrison (In the current scenario). Morrison is the one Dante trusts most, he's the one Dante gives the responsibility of giving the money to Grue's daughters and Enzo, and he's the one who empathizes most with Dante's problems, as well as sometimes lecturing him when necessary. And it was to Morrison that Dante gave the Devil May Cry deed in the end.
From Morrison's letters in DMC5, he has a lot of respect for Dante and would never overstep his boundaries.
Dante raises not only Patty, but Nico and Nero as well! A tired, exhausted man trying his best to balance Demon Hunting, grief and his own emotional wounds, and three high-energy yet also emotionally wounded children who need him to have a clear head on his shoulders to look out for them and make things work because the alternative is them being alone and scared like he was for a long time!
(I thought you'd get a kick out of sharing a few sentences of what that might look like in your mind! 💙🫶)
Sanguis, my dear, this snowballed entirely out of control and slid directly into fic territory, so I bit the bullet and posted it to AO3 <3 It was very fun to write and I didn't realize how much I needed to write something fluffy for these goobers!
Love's The Death Of Peace Of Mind
Nero, Nico and Patty get babysat and learn a little bit about their shared parental figure. Morrison is a good friend and Dante gets some much needed affection.
