Alright, humes? As you'd expect, I take my job as Penge's foremost feline TV critic very seriously. So ahead of tonight's opening episode, I got myself a spray-tan then had a quick look at the press blurb for the new series of The Only Way Is Essex. Want to know what it said? "Expect the unESSEXpected." See? Even the puns are rubbish nowadays. All the same, I tried to imagine what "unESSEXpected" treats the show could hold in store...
Perhaps Arg has run off to Gretna Green with Nanny Pat, Joey's signed up for an Open University degree and all those annoying orange-faced women have seen the light and swapped their stupid pampered Chihuahuas for supercool cats instead. Or maybe - just maybe - everything's exactly the same as it ever was...
Tonight's not-so-shocking highlights? Lucy ended up in tears as Mario may have cheated on her. Again. Do us all a favour, love: dry your eyes and dump him. Please. Meanwhile, Joey's set to open a clothes shop. Diags has big plans to become a cheese broker - specialising in selling donkey cheese to old people, if I heard him correctly. And Bobby wants to become a dad. "My sperm's getting stale, babe," he told Gemma over lunch.
Bobby's not the only one who's hoping for a baby, though. Having become broody at the sight of a pregnant horse, Kirk revealed he'd like to be a "young dad", too. And what d'you know? Ex-girlfriend Lauren may be carrying his baby. Best mate Chloe looked suitably shocked when Lauren told her the news in the middle of the supermarket. Mind you, she always looks shocked, doesn't she? That's just the way they set her at the salon...
Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!