where an astronaut crew touches down on Mars and almost dies scared shitless when Vlad fucking Masters greets them and apologizes for intruding but he’s been using the Mars base to rest and also he grew some potatoes hope they didn’t mind there’s enough oxygen for everyone tho
NASA proceeds to yell at this man about WHAT THE FUCK MAN as best as they can with their shitty message system and tell him to FUCK OFF while the crew reluctantly make themselves at home (bc they can’t just run away they just came here with a really expensive space ship and they’ve got stuff to do) also they help themselves to those really delicious potatoes bc Vlad knows some recipes ok if there’s one thing he learned from his momma it’s effing delicious potato recipes with minimal ingredients
Vlad proceeds to tell NASA they can’t make him leave, NASA replies this is their territory, Vlad proceeds to give no fucks, NASA says to fuck off or they’ll make him and Vlad asks who the fuck and where is the army to make him leave where are the space cops huh, just let him have a place to sleep and breathe oxygen he’s on fucking Mars goddammit
And so NASA makes a reluctant deal to host Vlad at their Mars base as long as he doesn’t try to sneak off back to Earth in a ship, searches for some space rocks occasionally and continues making those potato recipes he refuses to reveal the secret of and everyone profits
After a year of good behavior they start bringing him books and dvds other than the ones the crew specifically took for themselves
After five years they bring him Maddie the cat plus a stack of cat food and Vlad fucking breaks down
And then it turns out Maddie had some fun times before the journey and pops out five kittens a month later (‘we just thought she was fat’ Bob the astronaut said. ‘well you’re not wrong there’ Vlad shrugs.) and Vlad goes out into the desert of Mars to scream for an hour bc the feels are too much
At some point in the future Danny’s preparing for his first space trip to Mars and his clearance is finally high enough for the upper brass to inform him of the multinational secret of why the Mars base is thriving so well but they probably wouldn’t have told him until he was already halfway to Mars except he kept asking why they were including a calf, five chickens, nine bags of cat food, a box of spices, a bush of rosemary and a sack of strawberry seeds in their ship cargo
