#dreamsdie

[swanofwarstories]

A dream I’ve been cultivating for the last seven years just crashed and burned.  I don’t know when I’ll be able to feel alive again.

[guesswewillfindout]

I can't sleep so it's storytime.

One day I had to get blood work done because I'm chronically ill. It's not uncommon for me to get stuck a few times because my inflammation level ruins my veins and my medicine often causes dehydration. My wife had to drive me and we were going to drop off my sewing machine at this little shop to have it repaired.

We walk in and it's all nice inside and the lady who owns it basically says can we try it out and see the problem. Then she asks pulls out the bobbin thread and tells me it's waxed thread. That's a big no no because wax will gunk up your machine. I just look at my wife because she's the only one who has been using the machine for the last few years. I also reminded her (a lot) not to use waxed thread and she obviously did it anyway. Now there's this stranger looking at me thinking I'm the person who messed up. Fun. I decide not to mention that I just tried to use the machine for the first time in like five years. She doesn't really care which one of us did it anyway.

Then, she asks me to thread the machine. I'm standing there with my coat covering the three holes in my arms (from the blood draw) and I'm thinking I don't want to do this. I have not eaten at all. I'm pissed at my wife who has very carefully said nothing. But I feel obligated because I'm a goddamn people pleaser with years of trauma. I blank out on the process. Mind you, I know how to properly thread my machine. I just have this trauma response of extreme freeze when someone asks me to do something performative like that. I can run a business meeting or get on the phone with insurance. But there are times when I just can't do the small things. Because I lived with someone who would lose their shit at me if I got the small things wrong. But not all the time just intermittently. You know, so you never knew when it was coming.

I paused for a moment and the shop owner takes the thread out of my hand and proceeds to show me how to thread it. The machine starts working. I'm completely dissociating. I can't even see more than the blur of the sewing machine. And I hate her voice more than anything. I really don't care if it's mean. She had this super soft sweet voice like she was trying too hard to radiate kindness. It's a tone a associate with being fake due to my experience with mental health professionals. My wife, however, loves people who sound like that. And as we leave and get in the car, she immediately brings that up like I knew she would. So I bring this whole thing up with her and tell her I'm angry about the waxed thread. She won't even acknowledge that she put it in the machine. *Squints really hard*

And long story short I don't really care to sew anymore. Normally I have pretty good boundaries and would have just told the lady I didn't fucking feel like it due to just having had needles stuck in my arms digging around for my veins. But I felt too bad to have boundaries or I just messed them up. And yeah now every time I think of sewing I think of that. It makes me sad because I used to associate it with sitting at my grandma's kitchen table as she taught me. But she's been dead for a while now and dreams die, too.

[martstudio88]

View this post on Instagram

I will be live streaming today at 2 PM Pacific Standard Time on YouTube. I’m really nervous. This time I plan on sharing aspects of my life I wasn’t sure I would ever put in the public arena. But here I go! If you’d like to see what happens when one dream dies and a new one is being born, please join me💖 #birthofanewdream #wheredreamsgotodie #dreamsdie #dreamsneverdie #newdreams #newlivestream #livestreaming #youtubelive #youtubelivestream #awakening #performanceartist #theatricperformanceartist #kalidescope #abtractvideo #videoart #videoartist #performanceart #m #mliving #livingart #futurelight #becomingart #lifeasart #artisticfreedom #artistonyoutube #instaart https://www.instagram.com/p/B1mI9qRF6dF/?igshid=pi6pi9n6f685

[datfuckinana-blog]

[lex44denae]

Than the dreams break into a million tiny pieces. The dream dies, which leaves you with a choice. You can settle for reality, or you can go off (like a fool) and dream another dream.

Nora Ephron

[theswaggityvader]

Dreams.

What exactly makes a dream, a dream? There are many different elements one can conclude. For some, it may be a goal, hope, or even just a thought. There's no way too truly define it. At some point it has to cross the intangible line. Dreams won't come true, and some were just too wild to ever be logical in the place. The term "dream" is just too ambiguous. We should leave our dreams where they belong: our sleep. Too many run to fall, and too many get lost searching for naivety of their dreams. Instead let us look for a finish line. A place to fight and work our way towards. Cause wants the point in fighting for a dream? It's not real. A dream, is a dream, and just that.

[loveyeahlilly]

Hush little bully, don't make me cry Just wait for a few more nights and I might die.

[dancetofreeme]

Realization

Dreams, die. Thinking of them makes new ones. Every dream dies. Or more accurate, they become new. Reborn. Into something else. Or altered to fit you new lifestyle. Some people , don't change their dreams. I use to call them lucky. But now knowing anything is possible, anything I wish. Doesn't make me so jealous of those people who still want what they dreamt of in second grade. I don't know what I want it's bad I know. Sometimes I try to remind myself to go in a direction. But then I remember, it doesn't matter what I dream now or wish for now. God's going to put me where he wants me whether I like it or not. Besides good dreams have to die a couple times for them to be loyal. That's why I stopped wishing and started praying.