#dunneltag879

[klariwitch]

just want everyone to know i AM writing again this summer

[klariwitch]

waking up to the strident fluorescent lights of a hospital is far too familiar to jim kirk. by heart, he knows the arrangement in which his senses kick in: first it’s supposed to be his hearing, however right now his brain seems to have that blocked off. next is smell, and that is for sure is in working order. the potent scent of antiseptic strains the veins in his nostrils, feeling as though it’s raping his nasal cavity with bleach. next, you’ve got taste, which is always one of the worst when waking up, it’s sour and reeks of days old unbrushed teeth. Who knows how long he’s been laying here with plaque building up. his full sense of sight and hearing come in roughly around the same time; for one he can clearly hear all the buzzing and beeping of the iv machine he’s hooked up to, the sound of his heartbeat steady, making itself more lively and known as he wakes up. his eyes flutter open at the same time he hears a soft, but rather rough voice say, “good morning, sunshine” and as his eyes adjusts he can see bones checking the liquid in his iv bag.

the room is completely different from the usual medbay. for one, it’s bigger. from the length at which he can turn his head—which really isn’t much—he can make out a much wider, less cluttered space. it’s almost cozy if it didn’t pair so well with the immense headache that he had woke up with. needless to say, it was clear they weren’t on the enterprise.

jim opens his mouth to talk but nothing comes out, his throat too dry. mostly, he just said and made zombie-like noises at his friend till he took a hint, and with a lifted eyebrow gathered a glass of room temperature water to his mouth. the glass is tipped gently at an angle. jim moved his hands up around the glass once he’s able, but they both know after being unconscious for who knows how long that he doesn’t have the immediate strength to hold it up on his own.

bones takes the glass away when he seems to have gotten enough. then he crosses his arms over his chest, brow raised and asks a simple, “you were saying?”

“how, uh, how long have i been here? where is here? and what exactly happened? and where’s spock?” jim seems a bit more frantic with every question he asks, he craned his neck and his shoulders in a weak, upwards motion, eventually propping himself up on his elbows. his doctor sighs.

bones pulled over a chair and sat. he put a hand on jim’s arm and gives him a soft, though tired, look. “don’t worry, darlin’ you haven’t been here long. it’s been two days—or about two and a half if you’re counting to the exact time like the green hobgoblin has,” bones looks a little annoyed at the mention of spock but continues, “we’re in san francisco, it was easier to get you to a nearby hospital rather than back on the ship. you passed out at starfleet board meeting discussing a far out earth colony that has been set for a rescue mission.” leonard looked a little cautious, as if he were strategically making note of where exactly to place his words in a less intimidating order.

jim’s heart raced a tad faster with every moment of silence bones refused to fill in. “yeah?” he couldn’t help but let a little fear seep out with his words, staring at bones a little knowingly. “yeah so what, a rescue mission? that’s nothing i can’t handle. i’m sure my blood sugar was too low or there was something in the air or food that i was allergic to, right? and that’s why i passed out?” jim proceeded his own diagnosis like a short circuit. he didn’t really know what he was saying and he was falling into autopilot, but he needed confirmation still. “right, bones?”

leonard shook his head and let out a stifled sigh. he wanted to drag out the unknowing as long as he was able to, not for suspense but simply because he hated seeing his best friend so hurt. he always got a cloudy look in his eye at the mention of it. it was as if a part of jim died and remained on the ghost colony with all the other souls—and in some ways this was true. “jim, you lost conciseness at the mention of the planet’s similarity to that of tarsus iv,” bones finally spat out. jim stiffened

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[klariwitch]

its just a feeling of nothingness (or maybe its whole)

“I’m tired, Kon.”

They were staring up at the stars. Up at the warm air, their backs to the cold bed the Kent’s truck. God knows what they were doing up, or even which one of them had the grand idea to climb out the window and take the truck at such an ungodly hour, but somehow it felt magical. The only problem was, it seemed to be more of a sad kind of magic, the kind that grabbed you by the shoulders and rang your neck into the clouded heavens above. Sweet, yet depressing. Savory, yet deluding. 

“Well ain’t that a first?” Chuckled the kryptonian. He’d been back a year, a year and still things never returned to being the same. For one, the Tim he knew now was in no way the same Tim he knew from before. He knew it’d take a while, picking up all the pieces—after all, how easy can one recover after such an intense period of mourning?—but no one called it taking this long. At this point, though, maybe it was safer to assume this would just be the way it was from now on. 

Simply,

Off. 

                           read the rest on ao3

“No, not like that,” Tim shook his head. He sat up, looking down at Kon—in quite an odd way too, almost in the sense that he was suggesting something. Kon could have sworn he caught him staring at his lips.

“Then?” 

“Then…” he hadn’t thought that far, after all it had only been the root of a strange feeling in his stomach. 

Kon smiled. He watched the robin look down at his palms. He wondered what went through his brain, maybe small racing thoughts or long, extensive calculations. He’d like to live in Tim’s mind in all honestly, maybe just to catch a glimpse of what exactly he had going on. If he did, he thought about all the ways he might just bring him a bit of comfort. 

The only problem would have to be the fact that it would nowhere be near peaceful. 

He expected monsters,

Horrors,

Yelling,

Screaming, 

Abuse,

And then some death.

And death,

And death,

And some more death.

Only then you’d hit any sense of love, with little to no room for anything else such as self-sympathy or an embrace. 

So why did he want to live there?

To fix, of course. 

To kiss and love away all the senseless pain, 

Pain that there was still so much beauty and integrity in. 

“Think of anything yet, Wonder Boy?” Kon asked quietly, his voice a mere hum. He wasn’t sure to be happy or sad in his presence anymore. Though, it didn’t feel quite bland either.

Tim looked at him, almost in the sense that he was contemplating. “Yeah, actually,” he stood up, grabbing hold of Kon’s hand as he did. 

His friend lifted an eyebrow, “where’re we going?” He didn’t know his way around Smallville the way Kon did, essentially as they sat on the dirt road near the outskirts. 

“Don’t you trust me?” Challenged the detective. His face held the most playful and pretentious grin.

Kon thought a second. He could see the wonder in his eyes. It raged fires of the unknown. Always a mysterious bat. 

For that, he allowed him to lead him up and off the truck bed. Part of him wanted to see what would happen next. 

The vehicle creaked exhaustedly once they did, as if their weight was some sort of burden for the red paint and rusting aluminum.

“Alright, Rob, I trust you. Lead the way,” 

Tim grinned. 

God, how he’d do anything to turn back the clock. 

The pair traveled not too far out, just enough until they reached the middle of a grassy field, somewhere outside the old country town.

“This far enough, Rob?” Kon asked finally, his voice breaking the ever-growing silence. Thankfully, it was the good kind of silence, the type for comfort with every step. And step they did, because they had walked the whole way in it. 

Kon never was the type for silence, he preferred to keep the conversation going, even if it was just to listen to this own voice. He didn’t have a problem this time, though. He didn’t try to encourage a small chat, let alone speak himself. He just, let Tim pull him out further and further into the growing darkness beyond. 

“Yeah, this seems alright,” nodded Tim as he scanned the landscape.

“You mean to tell me you didn’t have a specific place in mind?” 

He looked back at Kon. His shoulders shrugged, as if it were no big deal. “Nope.”

“And what if we hadn’t found anything like this?” Kon couldn’t help but smile. It was sweet, to think of it. He liked how eagerly he had pulled him along, through the fields of wheat and otherwise. Something about it drove him mad, to the point of pure drugged up loving amazement. 

“Don’t you like it?” 

“Honestly,” Kon looked around him, he noticed nothing but grass and soft warm winds that glided up his shirt. He felt the sounds of crickets in his ears and the feeling of love from the darkened clouds above. It was surely, quite the find. “I gotta say, Rob, it’s amazing.”

“See,” Tim punched his shoulder playfully, “I told you to trust me.” 

“That you did.”

Maybe he was smiling too hard. Maybe he shouldn’t have stared so longingly into his eyes that long. But also, maybe he didn’t care? 

“Kon?” 

Tim was holding his hands out now. They cupped into a slightly enclosure bowl, to which he raised an eyebrow. 

“What is it?” Asked Kon, staring at his hands.

He had his attention now, fully. Well, he did before, though now was just in less of a way that boarderliningly screamed ‘I think you’re the best thing to ever happen to me’.

“Watch,” he whispered soft words, then stared back at his own hands that parted open. A quiet, glowing yellow bug flew out ever so gracefully. 

“Fireflies,” 

He’d been so engrossed in his own thoughts of the land and his friend, that he hadn’t noticed the bugs around them. 

They danced. Little bulbs flickering on and off like little stars that sat eye leveled. They carried a pattern of which Kon couldn’t quite decipher, so he figured it would be much better to tune out his wonders. 

“You think of everything, don’t you, Rob?” 

“‘Suppose I do,” beamed Tim, seeming proud. 

It was a look Kon would see from then on in his sweetest scenarios. 

And come night, he’d chase in his dreams. 

Because, he thinks he may just be in love with Tim Drake. 

[klariwitch]

You’ll Love Me Again

No one ever really mentioned all the symptoms that comes with heartbreak. For one, your heart quite literally hurt. It burned. Not in the sorts that felt like heart burn, but more so like it was falling. The feeling of weightlessness. Yet, at the same time you felt as heavy as can be. From there its just full on misery. Y’know how people will say they feel like they just got hit by a truck? Yeah. Yeah its that.

“I’m uh, how do i put this without you going all vigilante mode on me? I’m into your sister,” Kon was grinning stupidly now.

Oh!

oh.

Tim felt his heart sink and then the nausea began to settle in.

“My? My what?” Tim shook his head in disbelief. Kon didn’t like him. He liked-

“Cass. Kon likes Cass, Steph,”

“Yknow when I see him next, you best believe I’m bringing that kryptonite ring, I’m gonna-“

“I feel sick to my fucking stomach,” the Robin sobbed over the phone. 

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The answering voice sighed. She still felt the shock of Tim crying on the phone with her, about a boy of all things. And, although the she wanted to slap the living shit out of the both of them, she also knew it was best to be calm and to let him cry on. “I know, I feel you Timmy, been there, done that,” she gave the phone a sad smile.

“I can’t even comprehend how that’s a thing. Seriously, Steph, how?!” His eyes seemed to bulge, one step closer to completely freaking out. He laid back on his bed, the phone still close to pressing against his ear, and salted tears running down his reddened cheeks.

He was a bat. A detective. Trained by old comics and the world’s greatest himself, batman. So, how on earth was he feeling so sunk by all these emotions? Why so much all this once? How was he to cry over the phone to Stephanie Brown over not just a boy, but the superboy. And, not just because he didn’t like him back—no, that wasn’t even able to be gotten out—but because he planned to ask out Tim’s own sister.

“Could my life really get anymore amusing, Steph? This is fucking humiliating,”

“Tim, I’m seriously so sorry this just all around sucks. Were you really planning on telling him, though?” The voice questioned over the device.

“Yes,” the boy cringed, “ I had a whole speech planned out to tell him tonight. Talk about bad timing,” his breath slowed. Without all the tears now, he felt tired. So completely drained for ever believing his best friend would ever see him much more than just that. Best friends.

“Why don’t you just spend some time away from him? Not exactly to cut off all contact, but more so just hanging out less? Maybe start making up excuses like Bruce needs you working on a case more, or that your parents have been home?” She suggested.

Actually, it wasn’t the worst idea, either. Kon would be okay with him being busy, and in the meantime he would take that step back and convince himself Kon wasn’t really the one.

“You’re right,”

“I am, aren’t I? Y’know it actually feels really nice to hear you say that for once, maybe just once more?” The girl pressed playfully.

He scoffed. “Yeah wouldn’t you like that?” The Robins teased one another, after all she could always make him feel better. “Alright, I think I have to call it a night. I’m gonna go throw up and then to bed.” He wasn’t lying, either. For whatever reason after speaking to Conner his head hurt like hell and his stomach carried what felt like a flu virus.

“Goodnight, Tim,”

“Night, Steph,”

               *****

“Well,”

“Well?”

“It’s been about a month,”

“Tim,”

“I think I’m actually okay this time. I don’t feel so achey around him anymore! I told you we met up after patrol tonight!” The boy exclaimed over the line, a smile captured on his lips.

“Okay, so, it went alright, then?” Steph asked. She cringed a bit. No way his feelings where just poof gone.

“Steph, it went great,” assured Tim. “I think we plan on doing the same thing tomorrow...it just nice to have my best friend back, yknow?”

“Tim, it’s really okay if you still need time, you know that, right?”

“Steph. I promise. I’m okay, my feelings for Kon are completely gone,”

*****

“You’re here on time” the boy in front of him called. A small chuckle arose, “did bats let you off early?”

“Yes, actually, how’d you know?” Tim smiled. He sat down right beside him on the edge of the rooftop. Ironically, sitting on top of a fifteen story building, next to a superhuman somehow managed to be the spot he always felt the safest. He assumed, it was all about the trust. All about a matter of not having to worry that Kon might decide to push him overboard unexpectedly, or even if the building suddenly gave out. The only fault there was, why did he still have that trust for him? Admittedly, Kon had never exactly tried to send him soaring off a rooftop, but wasn’t heart break a close equivalent?

“Tim?” The familiar hand waved in his face. Tim carefully swatted it away.

“What?”

“I asked you how your day was?”

“Oh,” Tim nodded. He even looked down as if his fingers might curate him the perfect move. Spoiler alert: they did not. “It was…well, I mean kind of slow? Patrol and all that,” the last bit came out as a mutter. Why was he there, again? Honestly, he couldn’t even look at him now. He had thought he was fine, really he did, but what exactly did fine mean? Ignorance, in this case.

The only problem was, he just couldn’t let go. In movies and literature it was always so much easier, because it just always works out for them. They have a promised happy ending. For Tim, none of that was a guarantee.

It was like..insurance. insurance that he did not have. Because, even when the character didn’t end up with their love, they still found something great—like a new person or happiness. And now, all happiness was looking like without Kon was a cold bottle of chardonnay stolen from his mother’s wine cabinet.

“Are you okay?” Kon asked then. His face carried worry and all kinds of fear.

Shit

shit

‘Don’t make me lie to you’ The shorter boy thought. He didn’t want to, it honestly wasn’t something he could find the energy for anymore. “I, uh,” he felt his phone vibrate under his thigh. He didn’t answer it, it would only be Steph wanting to know what was happening.

“What is it, Rob? Spit it out,” the meta pushed, a cheerful smile forming his face.

“I…don’t think I can?” Answered Tim.

“Huh, well, why not? Its okay, you know you can tell me anything, right?”

The raven haired boy just stared at him, mouth split open stupidly. “Right! Right. Yes, I know that,” he nodded.

“So?”

“Right…” he bit his lip till blood arose and the feeling of confidence came beside it. “Could I, show you, instead?” He requested.

“Sure? I mean, yeah. Of course you can, anything that helps,” Kon nodded willingly.  

Was he really going to do that? Where was some sort of memory wiper when you needed it? He’d do anything to redo the last ten minutes.

He sighed. Was he really about to do this? In all fairness, he had been wanting to for some time. Okay, he’d do it. Okay. Maybe not? “Y’know what?” Tim turned. they were closer than he had thought they were. No going back now, right? He laughed sickly, “fuck it.” Evenly, his face melted to a smile as he leaned him, pressing his lips ever so gently against Kon’s.

He couldn’t believe it. He was kissing Kon. His best friend. The boy who unknowingly broke his heart just months ago. This was...unbelievable. It always seemed like it was so incredibly out of reach and get here he was now, kissing him. Did that mean Kon really did like-

“Woah,” and just like that he was pushed away. He’d have to fight through the tears at an arms length distance now. “Hey, sorry, Tim I’m flattered, really, it’s just-“

“Okay, look, I probably should have waited, I just, I don’t know? Ever since you were talking about Cass I just couldn’t get you off my mind, and that’s why I stayed away for so long. Look, most people can just watch, too Kon. Most can just love from afar and wait. Im sorry, but I can’t do that. Im not that person, okay? I’m selfish. So selfish. I hate that I am and i’m sorry, but I can’t just watch, okay? I can’t,” Tim heaved a breath. He wanted to get it all out so bad and now he had spoiled the vibe. “Im sorry to burst your perfect little bubble, I just fucking can’t. Now I see it was a mistake too, because i thought you liked me back. I really did,” his lip bled. Biting too hard again? “You just don’t get it, okay? We’re supposed to be together. Everyone thinks so. We’re best friends, Kon. We’re the beautiful love story. Look, I’ve been telling myself that forever, and you’re just supposed to feel the same,” he shrugged. Just as if it was no big deal.

Kon groaned. He considered for a moment to grab ok to his hands but for obvious reasons that wasn’t exactly appropriate. “Tim. Hey, you don’t have to apologize. Im glad you told me. To be honest, I kind of like you too,”

“Wait, really?” Tim smiled, searching the meta’s face for any truth.

“What? Are you even listening to me? Tim, I’m sorry but I can’t be apart of your little fantasy..” It was clear it pained his friend to say al this. “We’re not some sort of destined couple or whatever you think we are. It just doesn’t work that way, okay?”

Oh. So, not as he expected.

Right

“Well, why not?” The Robin urged, hurt growing in his blue eyes.

“I’m dating Cass,” breathed Kon. “Look, we were going to tell you tomorrow but then all of this happened...I’m sorry, I should have told you,”

Ouch. Fuck. Again?

“Right,” was all he could mutter. “I’m uh. I’m sorry, Kon,” he had to leave. Had to get out of there fire his eyelids broke like dams and he had to muffle his own screams. “I think I’m going to head out, actually..goodnight, Kon,” Tim sighed. He walked off then, taking deep breaths to help ignore the boy calling his name behind him. He could catch him if he wanted to. Easily. Obviously he didn’t want to. Kon loved Cass...not Tim.

****

“I kissed him,”

“You what?!” The voice over the phone sounded livid.

“Yeah, yeah I know stupid, right?” Tim sighed. He sat on his bed, holding a chilled glass of chardonnay, just as he had promised himself.

“Im guessing it didn’t go so well?”

He could hear her cringe over the phone. Tim didn’t respond. Instead, he simply sipped his drink: dry. This one was eruopean as were most of the others, rolled in oak barrels and some sort of fruit. It was like drinking Kon’s scent. Whatever cheap cologne he decided to douce himself in every morning some how crawled its way into his head to torture him. He set the glass down.

“Im sorry, Tim, you really-”

“Its okay, Steph, really,” insisted Tim, having cut her off.

“Is it?” The girl asked genuinely.

“Yes. I’ve decided I cannot change it, so yes, its fine,”

“Wow. Okay. Thats, that’s actually very mature of you,”

The robin nodded, although obviously not visible.

“Goodnight, Steph,” he called into the phone.

“Goodnight, Tim,” she huffed back, right before leaving him in inconsiderable silence.

The boy picked up the wine glass again. He stared deeply into the few bubbled and cringed with the inhale of smoke and aged French oak.

“You’re really messing with my mind, huh, Conner Kent?”

Tim glanced around. His room was gloomy. sad. Dimmed. He wished for Kon to come light it up a bit, yet he didn’t. They’d be apart for now, but he’d turn around eventually. He would get his fantasy.