#dysphoria talk

[onippep]

Is it fine to talk about certain scars now?

................. Which ones. Guessing, for thematic sake, you mean these?

[gestures to his top scars]

I, uh, guess so. Pfft.

So, a little recap-- born in Italy, moved over here when I was 16. Shit happened at 19. Came back when I was 24.

[TW FOR MENTIONS OF CHILD ABUSE, WAR, GENERAL UNPLEASANT QUEER EXPERIENCE STUFF, TRANSPHOBIA + HOMOPHOBIA]

We lived in a super-rural area when I was a kid, so I had no idea what all of that was about. I'd find myself doing things that boys would do and I'd get slapped around for it, or never really liking girls. All my friends were boys. I had a lot of body hair for my age. It was weird to my family.

I got a taste of big-town culture from my cousins and uncles and aunts; they're eccentric, and I'm pretty sure one of my aunts was gay (she never married). I got along with her pretty well, but god, my madre hated her, pretty sure. Haven't seen her in a long time.

Bottom line, I was the "weird kid" of the family, so my parents figured (Also as Italians) to give me a brother and sister, see if they could socialize me properly. Maybe they fucked up the first time. Worth a shot, right?

While my madre was pregnant with my brother, we moved here. Maybe city life would do me good. I was thrust into a highschool barely knowing any English, and naturally flocked to the outcasts and socially awkward weirdos that would get tossed around by bullies and such. It was brutal. I met a girl that disguised herself as a boy and went by a boy's name. I met a boy that had a crush on one of the bigger boys of the school. It was a bunch of new experiences that... for some reason, even with my upbringing, didn't feel foreign or weird. It suddenly aligned with me, and I didn't really think about it until I looked in the mirror one day and wanted to throw up at how I looked. I tried dating a girl I got along with. Being a teenager sucks. That shit hits you like a truck and bleeds like an open wound that you have no idea how to stop.

Not that I had the time to find a way. I did bad in school, got held back a few years, and within that time aggressively took my identity into my own hands-- I'm not who my parents thought I was, I hated my name, I hated them, I hated everything. I got quiet. I hated myself because I wasn't the easy, good-grade getting child that was born loving the body it was in.

One day, my dad gets me alone. He asked me what I wanted to do after High School. I said art. He asked me again. I said art. He said that was the wrong answer. I asked him what he wanted me to say instead.

"If you really don't believe you're a girl, then it's time to be a man."

I thought this had good intentions until I was at the front door of bootcamp with some fresh scars on my chest, a few years of testosterone, and...

[sighs]

...

Uh, what was I-- right.

Right, yeah, I was pretty much fully out a few years after I was... discharged. I had a fling with Anton. A few women. Some men. Tried the bisexual label for a bit but found out I was just a full-on homosexual.

...Did I get the surgery before or-- no, I think I...

[blanks out for a few minutes]

...[scratches his head] I-- sorry, I think I got something mixed up. I think I got top surgery after 'all of that'. Shit's scrambled in here.

...

...Right-- I was a fully out transsexual gay man by... I think I was 35? It wasn't a huge focus of mine though since I wanted to try and start my own business. My family knew hard they fucked up with me so they kept their distance-- I let them know how much they failed me (after many years of thinking I was the screwup). Eventually they started using my new name. It was sudden, and there were no apologies.

I couldn't get my art degree, sssooo... Peppino's Pizza it is. Yippee.

Met Gus a year or so after I opened it, connected with a few of the Italian community on the outskirts of the city, uh... then I...

[pauses again]

--Sorry, this, uh, wasn't a really happy story, but I just. Wanted to say that it was worth keeping myself alive to see myself big, fat, hairy, balding, and smiling in the body I've got now. And happy with the men I've decided to let into my life to love me and this body. It's...

It's something. Better than nothing. I understand that now.

[trans-isnt-fun]

Not having dysphoria doesn't mean I'm not transitioning. Around the time I began transitioning, my mental stability jumped from around 3/10 to 9/10. I was certain that it was right, and I still am. The only difference is that now I no longer have a distressing sense of emptiness and incompleteness. I have found peace, and I remain trans despite that fact.

"distressing sense of emptiness and incompleteness" that was helped by transitioning? Sounds like dysphoria to me 🤷🏼‍♂️

[tchaikovsgay]

oof new traumatic childhood memory just unlocked itself from the catacombs of my brain

so by the time i was 10, i was already at least a dd cup. it was horrible and i hated it so much. also around that time, my mom lied to me and told me i had breast cancer. and my first reaction? omg does that mean i get to have my boobs removed??? like jesus christ. every time i try to contact trace my first signs of dysphoria it gets earlier and earlier. ive been ignoring shit for an embarrassing amount of time

[thatgenderfluidrat]

Dear Reader,

By reading my name the first thing you'll notice about me is that I'm gender fluid, which for me means some days feeling more masculine, others more feminine, or a weird androgynous middle. Sometimes I don't feel like anything. Although I may act feminine, I've never enjoyed appearing in a feminine manner. So I use he/they/it pronouns and different names to fit whatever weird ever-fluid of gender I feel that day. I guess I'm writing this out as a sort of vent for myself dealing with the dysphoria I feel. If I could change one thing about myself, it would be the fat to muscle ratio on my body. It helps being curvy for those times I do feel androgynes' or feminine, but I work out and can feel myself getting stronger, but I'd feel more confident if I could see the difference. I also kept shaving my head for the past year and I think if I let my hair grow out a bit it'll help with the way I feel about my face shape. There really is no way to achieve my "perfect" body and look without major altering surgeries, and I'm terrified of surgery. Reader, I don't know if you experience similar feelings, but I hope you're happy in your body. I try to remember though that even if I don't like my body or me, there's people who would dream of looking like me. So if you struggle with gender dysphoria too, try to keep that mindset and not judge yourself too harsh like I do. There will always be things I don't like about myself, just like every other person in the world, and I may be a misfit, but there are people like you, and me out there. So dear reader, I'm trying to keep my head up, and I hope you can do the same.

Sincerely,

Eli :)

[themostfinalofpams]

Does this seem okay to send to my mom or should I elaborate further?

[uwuinhell]

Heyyyyyy

I want to know how people feel/explain (???) Their dysphoria,,, because I think,,,,,,

maybe,,,,,,,,

I'm feeling dysphoric?

[mymomanddadaregonnabesomadatme]

Gerry, on the way home from dinner with Jon: Sooo did you...still want to talk to me now that we're out of the restaurant Jon, sighing: No, it's fine. The stressor has been removed. Nothing to worry about any more Gerry, knowing full well it's because of how many times the waiter went out of his way to gender them both as men and knowing Jon is going to bottle up every emotional response he has to feeling dysphoric out in public but also that he can't handle being pressed for information: Because you're still...allowed to be upset and talk about it if you'd like... Jon: It's fine

Jon 3 days later COMPLETELY wolfed out on the full moon, walking over the couch and stepping over the end table: If I have to get gendered in public one more time I am going to lose my MIND I have always HATED this ugly lamp I'm throwing it out the WINDOW having a dick is LAME and I am going to eat EVERY part of that chicken in the fridge so DON'T watch me eat the wing bones and tell me it's gross again they're CHEWY Gerry: Gerry: I'm completely fucking in love with you