"i don't think anyone ever really saw me" stop it. "i don't want to burn again" with the added gut punch of johnny being gay and the sinclars religious. STOP IT . GAT'S FUTURE DREAM. THE FUCKING DOGS. MIRREN'S ART GALLERY. "'You're a child'/'i'm YOUR child'" NOOO. MIRREN COULD HAVE JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW BUT SHE WENT BACK FOR JOHNNY AND CADENCE. GAT COULD HAVE STAYED IN THE BOAT BUT HE WENT IN FOR THE LIARS. THEY WERE SIXTEEN AND DRUNK AND ANGRY THEY DESERVED SO MUCH MORE
Requested: Kinda? Prompted in comments but got a request from @reader-bookling123 (I changed the ending a bit as it fit better)
like I need my angst of them being so in love but reader being the first to die in the fire and johnny just finds her corpse before he kicks the bucket like five minutes later and like these two were sweethearts like so in love
Warnings: SPOILERS FOR WE WERE LIARS. Death, profanity, hints to racism towards a character (Not from reader). Some descriptions of bodily harm and death.
Pairing: Johnny Sinclair Dennis x Reader
Playlist: Old Money - Lana Del Rey, loml-Taylor Swift, I Know The End - Phoebe Bridgers, Cowboy Like Me - Taylor Swift, Lost At Sea - Rob Grant & Lana Del Rey
Authors note: I read the book and loved it but that was years ago so this is based mostly on the prime show. I usually write a female reader but left it vague this time. Since there is so little Johnny fics I wanted to be inclusive. Also, the show made Johnny canonically into men so I didn’t want to take from that. As always, leave comments and thoughts. I’d love to hear feedback.
I'm sure I have run on sentences, too much detail, etc. But I am not a professional writer and rusty af. I loved how this turned out so ignore any grammar error!!
“We were young and shivering and ancient and alive” - E. Lockhart
The waves rippled under the boat as sea spray splashed your skin. The destination of your summer adventure coming into view like it always did. Sturdy and sure. Making a statement to the surrounding town.
Beechwood.
From the outside looking in, it was magical. A real life fairytale filled with sea salt, sunscreen, fudge, and brilliant smiles. The height of luxury and privilege. A king, a queen, three perfect princesses and their heirs. Two outsiders that were welcomed into the kingdom with open arms, how charitable of the king. A loyal staff and the two golden guard dogs keeping chaos at bay while causing their own mischief.
But looks weren’t always the truth. You knew this first hand after all your summers on Beechwood. Luxury was often accompanied by greed and jealously. Some not so subtle racism and a lack of basic human decency. The true colors always eventually came out dimming the once bright joys of summer on Beechwood. The older you got, the more clear it became.
It wasn’t a fairytale anymore.
Being friends with a Sinclair had its perks, of course. You couldn’t deny that at times, you felt like you were so lucky. Being pampered on a beautiful beach, not wanting for anything. Mirren Sinclair, your best friend had been taking you to the island every summer since you were both eight. You were an official member of the liars now.
Cadence, Gat, Mirren, Johnny and you. The way it was always meant to be.
Really, your favorite thing about summer fell to her cousin Johnny Sinclair Dennis. Bounce, effort, and snark. Salt, swagger, and reckless abandon...he got your heart racing. You’d been hopelessly in love with Johnny since before you could even really comprehended what love was. His loud voice, messy blonde hair, and wide blue eyes. Johnny made you feel light..like everything good was possible. If heaven was real, you were in it with him on this island filled with privilege. Damn the fairytale.
Once the boat hit the dock, you were running into his waiting arms and everything felt right again. Letters, calls and FaceTimes weren’t enough. But for the next couple months he was here and this was real. You and Johnny.
“There you are! Fuck I missed you baby!” Johnny held you tight and spun you as your legs wrapped around his waist. "I missed you too Johnny, I always miss you." Johnny smiled and pressed a kiss to your temple, holding you close and he carried you to your secret spot on the island. Where you two could exist in some peace.
Johnny had been off for a few days. He still gave you his bright grins but they didn't meet his eyes. It was tonight while you two watched the sun setting over the vast sea, that you decided you had enough. "Johnny, what's wrong?"
Your question caught him off guard, his eyes blinked a few times before he turned to you. "I'm great baby." He throws out that damn grin at you again.
"You're a bad liar" You mumbled.
A dramatic gasp fell from Johnny's lips. "First of all, I take that very seriously! How dare my own partner say that to me. It's like a knife to the heart!" He put a hand over his chest and fell back into the grass.
You couldn't help but giggle at his dramatics. "Alright fine, I will take it back if you tell me the truth. I know you Johnny Sinclair Dennis, something is bugging you." You lean over and kiss his nose. "Tell me."
Johnny sighed, his playful demeanor falling. "I don't think I'm a good person."
At his words, you sit up straight. "Johnny? What are you talking about?"
"I did something bad..back at school that I didn't tell you about." He looked over at you, seeing the understanding on your face, he counited. Telling you in details what he did. A tear ran down his face and you reached up to wipe it away.
"You did a bad thing Johnny, that doesn't make you a bad person."
"Sometimes I just..see red. I don't want to be like my dad."
"You aren't your father Johnny."
"Well I'm not Harris Sinclair either. I'm the shitty thing in between." He tugged at his hair.
"Johnny.." you frowned and took his hands. "Listen to me. You did a bad thing, I won't pretend you didn't. But you are not a bad person. You're the person who dove into the ocean during a thunder storm to save your younger brother, almost dying to do so I might add. You are the person that always picks up Mirren when she feels self conscious and you are the person who has always, always had my back. You may not be perfectly good, but you're still good. I need you to understand that. Life has set you up to feel like this but we can change it, I want to change that." You pet his cheek gently, looking into his eyes. "I love you. I love you so much I can't focus when you're around. It's like this constant ache and fullness because I am consumed by you. I love you." You lean your head on his, your eyes welling with tears.
"Fuck" Johnny let out a tear filled laugh. "You've always been better with words than me. I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'm thanking the universe all the time."
A smile spread over your face as you leaned in, kissing Johnny softly but trying to show all your love through the kiss. Johnny kissed back, his hand tangling in your hair as he deepened the kiss. He pulled you on top of his body and broke the kiss so you could both get air. "I'm going to marry you one day."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yup! We are going to have at least three little kids running around."
"Okay, can they have your hair? Those messy blonde curls would be so cute on our hypothetical children."
"Course sweetheart." Her grinned and tenderly pet your cheek. "Anything for you."
You rested your head on his chest, a smile on your face as the night drifted on. You both slept outside that night, tangled in each others arms.
But if you send for me, you know I'll come
And if you call for me, you know I'll run
I'll run to you, I'll run to you
I'll run, run, run
I'll come to you, I'll come to you
I'll come, come, come
The song lyrics played softly from the small radio you two had on the coffee table. Your cheek pressed to Johnny's chest as he swayed you around the living room of Red Gate. Gat was in town with Cadence while Mirren snuck off with Ebon, leaving you and Johnny some free time. It was moments like this where he was softer, more relaxed.
"I like this song." Johnny mumbled softly, his chin resting on your head. "Reminds me of us."
Smiling, you look up. "That's so cute Johnny."
"Oh shut up." He chuckled and pinched your cheek softly. "I got you something."
"A present? I love presents."
"Oh I know babe. You'll really like this one." He let you go softly to get the small box sitting on the end table. "Hand please"
Giggling, you hold out your hand to your boyfriend. Johnny took it and pressed a kiss to your knuckles as he slid a dainty gold band with a blue stone onto your ring finger, you couldn't help but notice how the stone matched his eyes.
"It's not an engagement ring but it's a promise. You're it for me. I want everyone to know it."
"Oh Johnny...I love it." You tear up softly.
"Forever baby." He smiled and cupped your cheeks.
"Forever."
The smoke filled the stairwell quickly, heat rolling up your spine. Coughing, you tried to make your way up to the attic. "Johnny!"
How did you get into this mess? What the hell had you all been thinking? Oh, that's right, drunk emotionally charged seventeen year old's. It had been a bad family dinner. Gat was gone, you could tell you weren't wanted there but nothing was as bad as listening to the moms fight. To make matters even worse, Harris had fallen and the moms went to the hospital with him.
Gat showed up and now the liars were alone.
Liars forever.
Liars forever.
Liars forever.
Liars forever.
Fuck it...liars forever.
The plan seemed so easy at first. Get in, burn it down, get out. But the flames rose fast. Maybe it was too much kindlin? Too much accelerant? And shit, you forgot about the gas line.
"Johnny!" You yelled again, knees weakening as you made your way up the stairs. Walking, let alone breathing was becoming too much effort and the smoke was so thick. Maybe if you just rested your eyes for a moment...
"Y/N!" Johnny yelled as he raced down the stairs, smoke so thick he could barley see. He lost his balance and landed on the ground with a loud thud. "Fuck!" Johnny pushed himself up onto his knees, ready to run again but froze when he saw you through the smoke. You were unmoving and your chest wasn't rising, the love of his life was-"NO!'
Johnny moved fast, crawling his way to you and pulled your too still body into his arms. "No, no, no! Baby please..please open those pretty eyes. Come on, open them for me." He held your face in his hands, his tears rolling onto your cheeks. A cough ripped from him as he saw flames rising up the stairs. "I'm sorry baby..I'm so fucking sorry." He leaned his head into your neck, sobbing against your skin. He would stay with you, forever. "You are the love of my life. We'll go together. I love you..I love you..I love you."
Forever...
Johnny sat on the kitchen counter of Red Gate, watching his mom pack as summer ended.
"Oh, you're still here." Carrie said softly, holding a hand over her heart.
"I don't think I can leave.."
"Are you alone?" Carrie frowned and walked towards her son, reaching out like she could touch him but she knew she couldn't.
"No, I'm not alone." Johnny smiled genuinely, his eyes flickering to yours as you leaned on another counter.
You winked at Johnny and made yourself comfortable. Carrie couldn't see you, but you knew she knew you were there.
"I should have known." She smiled softly and said her goodbye to Johnny before leaving Beechwood.
Summer was ending for most but not you. Here with Johnny it was summer forever and you intended on enjoying it. You had both suffered enough.
Johnny walked to you, pulling you against his chest. "You're a hot ghost."
You let out a genuine laugh. "Why thank you my super hot ghost boyfriend."
"Nah baby, we are husband and wife now. Been through too much to just be your boyfriend. So, I'm your super hot ghost husband."
Laughing, you lean your head on his. "I love you."
"I love you too." Johnny said softly and kissed you. Everything stilled.
This was never the ending you wanted. It wasn't the future you had planned. You never thought forever would become so literal. But with Johnny at your side..you'd make it work.
He was your happy ending, the one person that made you feel light. The laughter, the smiles, the happiness. It was all him. Adventures never ended, the love only grew, and maybe in some twisted way this was a happy ending. You had Johnny, that was all that really mattered.
Our field of dreams engulfed in fire
Your arson's match, your somber eyes
And I'll still see it until I die
You're the loss of my life...
synopsis: emmaline’s grandparents are friends of harris sinclair and there aren’t many people who can make that claim. it only takes one trip to beechwood island after for one summer for a little girl’s life to change forever through love and laughter and pain and suffering and all that’s in between. the sinclairs have a way of destroying lives as well as making them feel like pure sunshine
warnings:
a/n: this is going to be 5 part series, I hope you all enjoy and I’m so sorry for not writing in so long, I’ve had so much on my plate but I miss it and you all very much and thank you again for all your support!! <33. BTW this is unedited so feel free to tell me if there’s massive mistakes
taglist: @goldi-1-graysons-version @whispyedits let me know if you wanted to be added or removed or fill out this form
~ SUMMER 9 ~
I didn’t know as much as I thought I did in Summer 9. I was the smartest in my class at school and prided myself far too much for it. I suppose it wasn’t exactly my fault. Who was a little girl to question her belief in the showering of praise from all the people she trusted the very most?
In Summer 9 of my short life, I was smart academically but I didn’t yet know that the love I saw on movie screen and plastered over the pages of books wasn’t real, I didn’t know that people could be l cruel enough to manipulate you into getting what they wanted and I didn’t know how fatal revenge could taste after you inhaled too many of its fumes.
But I did know some things.
I knew my grandfather had a lot of money. The kind of money that clothed me in classy designer brands and took me to fancy dinners I’d spend revising forks for, that provided me with lavish birthday gifts and an inordinate amount of opportunity. My education, my holidays, my house, it was all a luxury.
I used to adore my grandfather. He adored me too. He was fond of telling me the story of how I used to sit on his lap when I was smaller than his pinky finger as he’d read to me. Of course I didn’t believe I was actually ever small than his pinky finger, I was too clever to fool for that.
He used to read me those big, thick, old, dusty classics. And he’d have to pause every second sentence to explain what was happening but he never once minded, he just loved to see that sparkle in my eyes. He’d always let me have a sweet from his secret tin after dinner, even if my mother forbade it. He’d tell me I was special and that I had a great future ahead, he’d take me places. Places now I realise we’re far too beautiful for a little girl to appreciate fully.
But I remember most of all loving his voice, it was smooth and calm. Nothing like my dad’s, that always seemed to hollow and cold, distant as if he was standing in the room next door all the time, trying to avoid me. Adults often think children don’t notice things like that, but I always did.
I was a lonely child, despite being surrounded by every material thing I could desire. Sure, I had friends, but they’d never be allowed into my house, to spend anytime outside the six blissful hours that allowed me to feel like a normal school kid.
It was only much later down the line that I learnt that it was my mother’s fear of people using me that hid me away from the real world. She’d been used and now she lived in fear. For the longest time I’d known my mother was an anxious woman and it’d bled into me too. I was an anxious girl. Always a little fidgeting too often, breathing a little too fast, thinking a little too much.
I was always so hell bent on being good. A good daughter, a good student, a good example. Something people could be proud of, someone students could be compared to, a worthy daughter that my mother could brag to her friends about. I wanted to sparkle.
But the praise I craved was always from the one person who would always hang me dry, leaving me hollow. So I became quiet, unusually quiet. My father always seemed quiet and I thought he might like it better if I was more like him. I didn’t know then he’d never be the father I needed him to be, no matter how hard I fought for it.
I didn’t have an unfortunate childhood, someone with as much money as opportunity I had would never dare say they did. But when, one summer, my mother lost her husband and lost her mind with him so my grandfather wanted to send me away to a little island where the sun was always shining, I didn’t argue. I got on the boat and kept my mouth shut.
I didn’t cry when my dad died, I cried with the weight of the guilt that I had for not crying. At the funeral adults crooned that I was a strong little girl, putting on my brave face, just how he would’ve wanted. They didn’t know that I was somehow emotionally numb to what was supposed to be one of the most horrible experiences of my life. Losing a parent has been likened to losing an arm or leg, you feel incomplete, hollow even. But I didn’t lose a parent. I don’t even know if I lost anything at all.
My dad was there physically but he never felt there. He was always a ghost, so the day his body didn’t show up at the breakfast table it felt no different. When he stayed at the house it was never for long anyway, everything mostly felt the same apart from my mum.
She went crazy. A level of insanity no child should have to witness. She was wracked with the most harrowing grief, locking herself away, not eating, screaming in the late hours of the night, ripping her hair out, indulging in the world of drugs and alcohol. I knew she wasn’t right but who else could I tell. I was a nine year old girl whose father just died and mother never revealed her true self to the public. On the outside she looked so porcelain perfect, no one would have believed me if I’d tried.
It was a blessing, summer 9.
My grandfather picked me up on a Tuesday. I’d done all the packing myself so nearly everything I owned was crammed into two little suitcases, too heavy for me to wheel down the driveway so he hand to carry it instead. My grandfather always smelt of coffee and old books. Familiarity, peace and order.
I remembered the journey to Beechwood so vividly. I was sandwiched between my grandparents on the boat over, dressed in a striped blue and white pinafore with ruffled sleeves with a puffy white shirt beneath. I’d complained so much about it but it was grandmother’s choice and no one told that woman no.
My grandfather was telling me on the journey over how I’d met the man who owned the island when I was a baby. I asked him how a man could own a whole island and he only laughed. Then he pulled out a photograph to show me.
My grandfather was in it and looked a little younger than now and was sat next to another older looking man. An infantilised version of myself was tucked snugly in the crook of one arm, in a bundle of blankets. The other man had a baby too, but she was sat up on the knee closest to my grandfather, tufts of blonde hair sprouting from her head. She looked sugary sweet as she shot the camera a gummy smile. On his other knee sat another little girl, she looked only a little older than the baby, nine months maybe. She had rosy round cheeks and the deepest brown eyes.
But what caught my eye was the baby-faced boy sat on my grandfathers leg. I was the only grandchild of my generation, my father had been an only child and my mother had only given him me. So who was this strange boy with white blonde hair and cheeky smile.
“Who’s that?” I pointed, eyebrows pinched together in tight confusion.
“That’s Harris’s grandson,” my grandfather explained, “Jonathan.”
“Why is he sat on your leg then?” I asked.
“Because Harris had three grandchildren and only two legs,” he chuckled in reply.
I giggled, the pointed again, “so who are the others.”
“Her name is Mirren,” he explained indicating to the smaller baby girl, “and this girl is Cadence, the eldest Sinclair granddaughter.”
“Like me?” I wondered aloud, the ghost of pride haunting my tone.
He nodded with a strong smile, “like you.”
“Why are we altogether?” I said.
“I went to visit him nine years ago with you,” he replied, there something sad about the way he said it, “your mother and father stayed here, they needed a break for a little bit. So I took you and I met his grandchildren when he met mine.”
“How come I’ve never met them since?” I questioned curiously, my vivid imagination already running wild with what-if scenarios.
“We haven’t visited and neither have they,” my grandfather replied matter-o-factly, “we’re all very busy. But that’s why we’re going this year, so you can.”
“They won’t even remember me,” I sighed, “will they?”
“No but they means you get to meet them all over again, make some lovely friends, doesn’t that sound fun?” he said cheerily.
I nodded but didn’t believe in the action, but I’d learnt sometimes you just had to blindly agree. It saved so much trouble and I didn’t like trouble.
That was the boat ride I ate jam sandwiches and filled in crosswords with my grandfather, the boat ride when my grandmother plaited my hair in six different ways and scolded me for putting my elbows on the table, the boat ride that I didn’t know would end up taking me to a magical place far far away and change the course of my life entirely.
***
The island was from the pages of a storybook, bright and synthetically perfect. Golden sand and turquoise oceans, jagged rocks and clear skies. The sun seemed to never stop shining.
I was helped off of the boat and onto a dock, a long wooden walkway that seemed to have been waiting for our arrival. My grandfather took my small hand into his as I shrunk behind him, some sort of fear stirring in the pit of my stomach with my jam sandwiches. My grandmother shot me a warning look causing my to shroud myself with my grandfather even further, tucking my body behind his leg and arm but still clinging on to his hand.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” he said gently, “these are good people.”
“What if they hate me?” I whispered.
“Don’t be ridiculous Emmaline, shoulders back and chin up, you’re brave and you’re brilliant and you’re a Campbell and you’re going to let them know it,” my grandmother scolded
“I agree,” he nodded, “they’ll love you Emmy, don’t you worry.”
But I was worried. I had a gnawing anxiety in my belly that I just couldn’t shake. I didn’t know who these kids were or what they’d like, if they’d even let me in to their group. If my own dad didn’t even love me enough to look at me how could these kids?
My grandfather guided me forwards but I still shied away, slightly behind him. I fiddled with the hem of my dress, the repeated motion of stroking the fabric somewhat helping my racing heart.
A man dressed head to toe in an eye-aching white was walking down the dock, here to meet us. He looked old, wrinkles adorning his skin and white crowning his head but his eyes looked young and bright.
“Harris!” my grandfather called with a glowing grin.
My grandfather was usually serious man, he only seemed to glow when me or my grandmother were around. It always made me feel special. Maybe this man was special too.
“You’re looking well Charlie boy,” the man called Harris replied, entertaining a short embrace with his long lost friend.
“Not as good as you,” my grandfather stepped back with a nod.
“You never did,” Harris winked, something cheeky and boyish in the action which felt oxymoronic given his age.
My grandfather laughed heartily as my grandmother shook her head. Perhaps it was amusement or disapproval or something in between.
“Always the same Harris,” she tusked.
“Rosamund,” he acknowledged her graciously.
She kissed his cheeks with an airy gentleness, “it’s good to see you again.”
“And this must be little Emmaline,” Harris met my eyes and I flushed.
“Don’t be shy,” my grandfather coaxed, guiding me forwards once again.
I did as we’d practiced out of the boat. I smiled sweetly, extended my perfected poised hand and asked, “how do you do?” as perfectly as I could.
Harris beamed warmly, taking my hand and kissing it gently, “I’m very well thank you,” he nodded, “and you sweet girl?”
“I’m good too,” I said again, my cheeks warm with embarrassment and my hand retreated to my side. I hadn’t expected a question back. I hadn’t practiced for it.
“She’s a gem, Charles, really, so polite,” he mentioned to my grandfather as if suddenly I wasn’t there. I found that adults did that often and if you listened and stayed as silent as they thought you were, you could learn a lot, “much more polite than any of my grandchildren,” he rolled his eyes, looking of into the distance, “they’re probably off somewhere wreaking havoc, maybe Emmaline will sort them out this summer.”
My grandfather chuckled, following Harris’s eyeline, “How’s Tipper doing?”
“I’m not dying Charles,” came another voice, it was sharper, more astute.
I turned to see another woman. She looked younger than my grandmother, but had perfectly styled platinum hair and was dressed in a fashionable crisp pantsuit. She looked as though she could take over the world with a flick of her fingertips.
“Tipper!” my grandfather greeted her, “I’m very aware you’re not dying and far from it.”
“Then don’t speak of me as if I am,” she instructed regimentally, turning to my grandmother, “I don’t know how you survive with him.”
“I could say the same about you and Harris,” she replied, a rare twinkle in her eyes.
“I cannot for the life of me understand why we left it this long,” my grandmother replied.
She leaned in and whispered, loud enough for us all to hear, “I blame the men.”
“As do I,” her partner in crime agreed.
“Is this Emmaline?” Tipper asked, her hand over her heart as she caught my eye, “isn’t she pretty Rosamund, got that strong chin from you.”
I fingertips grazed my chin, as I took to cowering behind my grandfather.
“That’s about the only thing,” my grandmother scoffed, “she’s mostly her mother.”
“I don’t know I see some of George in her,” Harris said, “god bless his soul.”
My grandparents bowed their heads and I felt compelled to do so too.
“How’s she handling things?” Tipper asked as if I couldn’t hear the words coming out of her mouth under my hair.
“Well,” my grandmother replied swiftly and stiffly, “of course she was upset when appropriate but she didn’t crumble. Don’t be fooled by her dainty looks, she’s stronger than anyone thinks.”
I didn’t crumble because I didn’t lose part of my foundation. I lost a piece that had always disappeared anyway.
“A weapon in its own power,” Harris said.
A weapon. It was funny, I’d never thought of myself as a weapon. Not until much later on in my life anyway.
“We couldn’t even imagine what it was like to lose your Georgie, he was always such a good man,” Tipper said sympathetically.
“A good man lost,” my grandfather nodded, “but remembered.”
“We don’t need to dwell on it,” my grandmother said, whisking the conversation in a new direction. She was shifting the focus which meant she was hiding something. Adults did that a lot too.
“Why don’t you come with me Emmaline,” Tipper asked, extending her smooth hand, “let’s go and find the Liars.”
Liars? I didn’t want to meet any Liars. I lived with too many already. This was meant to be an escape.
“Go on,” my grandfather encouraged. His voice was soft and steady.
With trust, I shyly stepped out and took Tipper’s hand. It was somehow softer than it looked. I didn’t really want to go anywhere with this strange woman but I told myself that my grandfather’s judgement was just.
It was awkward at first, I didn’t know whether to speak or not. Tipper had this air about her that made you feel small, like she was the queen of entire world and you weren’t even a peasant. So I just followed, matching my leg strides to her long paced one, silently taking in the scenery.
It was surely the prettiest thing I’d ever laid eyes on. The sand stretched out like a gold-spun sheet with endless reams of sparkling jewels scattered throughout. The ocean was wild and free, crashing into rocks with something perfect about its incoordination. Its surface glistened, daring us to jump. The sun glorified it all, illuminating the art of perfection that lay beneath it, almost as if it were showing it off. I couldn’t wait until sunset, it was probably breathtaking.
“Do you like the island?” Tipper asked.
It took me a few minutes to register what she’d said and come up with an appropriate reply.
“I do,” I nodded, “I think it’s very pretty.”
“I’ve always thought so too,” she agreed.
“It’s quiet,” I mentioned, “I like that.”
Tipped hummed in reply, “it’s different, being in a beautiful place with people and being in one without. It makes you really see it, appreciate it, feel it.”
I agreed with her. When I was little I was lucky enough to get to visit expensive places but the people always took away from it. Loud and rude and bustling. No one stopped to take it all in and those who did couldn’t truly feel it because there was always some sort of human distraction.
“Who are the liars?” I changed the subject, the smooth down the curiosity that was nagging at me.
“My grandchildren,” she replied.
A simple answer but not the one I wanted, I pushed further, venturing out more than I usually would with a stranger, “why are they called the liars?”
“Because they like to lie,” she smiled, “and make mischief of this island. I’m sure they’ll like you.”
“I’m not very good at lying,” I shrugged, unsure of how else to a reply.
That was a lie in itself. I lied nearly every day, not that I realised it yet. It took me years to recognise that pretending and acting are just synonyms for lying.
“Doesn’t mean you can’t be a liar,” Tipper told me, her eyes wise, her voice even.
She reminded me of a siren, she was calm and smooth and hypnotic.
“I suppose so,” I said as we came to an about stop in the middle of nowhere, “what are we doing?”
“Looking for liars,” she said wistfully, “there are always clues. They haven’t quite mastered tidying up a crime scene.”
I glanced around catching something in my peripheral, my eyes trailed sandy footprints, outlines of the bottom of shoes, multiple pairs all up the pathway leading to a house labelled Clairmont.
“There,” I said, “they’ve gone to Clairmont.”
“Seems we have a detective in the making,” she said, “let’s go.”
A detective who still couldn’t work out the mystery of why her father couldn’t just love her.
I followed Tipper down the now sandy path and into the house where it seemed the Liars had abandoned their shoes at the foot of the stairs.
I paused listening to see if they’d migrated downstairs but I couldn’t hear any voices. We climbed up the first flight of stairs, I took the left wing and Tipper took the write but neither came to any avail. Then we checked the second floor, another long hallway of empty rooms. Finally we got to a small unconventional spiral staircase, our last option.
“What’s up there?” I asked.
“The attic,” Tipper replied.
We paused upon hearing voices.
“I can’t find it Johnny!”
“Then keep looking.”
“But we’ve been here for ages!”
“Even I’m bored, can’t we just go and swim or something?”
“No.”
“We’re not even allowed to swim without an adult, you know how strict the mothers are about that.”
“I don’t know why it’s just the sea, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“If we haven’t found it within the next ten minutes then I’m leaving.”
“You have no determination.”
“I’ve had determination for a whole hour, that’s long enough.”
I climbed the spiral staircase, inches behind Tipper, until we reached a strong oak door. She didn’t hesitate or eavesdrop, just turned the handle and walked in.
We found them.
Four children looked up with guilty eyes. One girl was lying on the floor in a starfish shape, flat on her belly. She was lazily sorting through a pile of objects, often getting distracted by sparkly ones. There was another girl too, her eyes darted across bookshelves with expert precision, she knew what she was looking for. Her fingers trailed the oddly shaped ornaments as she scanned their decoration and size. The first boy I noticed was tucked just behind a sort of chest-looking wooden box, his knees almost touched his chest and he scrunched up. The piles of books beside him concealed the fact that he was actually reading one. But I could see, just about. The final boy was messily looking through great sacks of things, tossing unnecessary items behind him with little regard. He was focussed on some sort of self assigned mission it seemed.
Tipped folded her arms, shifting weight onto her hip with a sharp eyebrow raise making her look powerful, “What are you four doing here?”
“Grandad asked us to look for his golf clubs,” the blonde boy said smoothly, instantly.
I believed him in seconds.
“Oh really?” Tipper said, her tone standing on a thin line between amusement and scolding, “because he never mentioned golfing to me.”
“Must’ve slipped his mind,” the girl on the floor smiled, resting her chin in her palms, her dazzling blue eyes, hypnotic like Tipper’s.
“Hmmm,” she continued, “it’s funny because you grandfather doesn’t even keep his golflclubs in here.”
“Are you sure?” the other girl asked, moving away from the bookshelf, “because I’m pretty sure we found them.”
Her eyes searched as she pointed to the other side of the room.
“I don’t see anything,” Tipper pursed her lips.
A dark haired boy quickly stood up grabbing a dusty old bag, metal clinked within. Surely they hadn’t pulled the lie off that well.
He thrust it towards Tipper. She took out one metal stick. It wasn’t a golf club just a metal pole sort of thing, maybe used for building. I couldn’t work it out.
“Nice try, Liars,” she smiled, I wasn’t sure if it was a nice smile or a smile of warning, I knew both, “but these aren’t golf clubs.”
“They aren’t?” the girl asked, brown eyes doubling in size, “I was sure they were.”
“Looks like a golf club to me,” the other girl nodded, going back to her pile of trinkets on the floor, pocketing what looked to be a paintbrush.
“Who’s that?” the blonde boy pointed at me, wrinkling his nose.
I shrunk away, not wanting to be noticed. I liked watching. I was an observer, an outsider, a spectator.
“This is Emmaline, a friend’s granddaughter,” Tipper explained, stepping away from covering me, “and she‘s come to spend the summer at Beechwood.”
“Why?” he asked, not looking too happy about that fact.
“Johnny!” the girl on her floor whacked his leg.
“What!” he growled, sending her a warning look, “I’m asking!”
“It sounds rude and my mommy-“
“Not this again Mirren,” he rolled his eyes, “I’m asking a question there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“You’re getting sidetracked and making Emmaline uncomfortable,” the other girl said, before turning to me, “Hi, I’m Cadence.”
“Hi,” I smiled shyly.
“And I’m Mirren,” the shorter girl burst, rushing up off of her belly and forwards to join her cousin, “how did you get your hair like that?”
She admired my plait, making me play with the end subconsciously.
“My grandmother did it for me,” I replied quietly.
“It’s so pretty,” she complimented with a sugary sweet smile.
“Thank you,” I flushed.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Tipper said turning to leave.
“You still didn’t answer my question!” the blonde guy shouted after her.
“If it helps I don’t know why I’m here either,” I told him.
“That doesn’t help,” he scowled, his blazing blue eyes nearly setting me on fire.
“Johnny stop it,” Cadence growled at him
“Just because you’re the oldest doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do,” he sneered back, arms folded.
“Actually,” she said, straightening a little with an air of importance about her, “that’s exactly what it means.”
They began to argue, a painful back and forth giving me the perfect opportunity to shrink away behind a large piece of furniture. I’d never had siblings or cousins but I’d been told it was common to argue, so I labelled it as normal. I slid further in, behind more furtinute when I bumped into something.
“My name is Gat,” the something said.
“Sorry,” I replied quickly, embarrassed, “I didn’t know you were here.”
“Oh don’t worry,” he said kindly, “that’s okay.”
I was aware Mirren was now involved in Cadence and her cousin’s back and forth.
“They’re not usually like this I promise,” Gat told me probably sensing my hyper awareness or tension, “it just takes getting used to.”
“It’s okay,” I shrugged.
“So,” he began, placing a well worn copy of a classic I recognised on the wooden floor, “do you live with your grandpa?”
I shook my head, “no, he just brought me. I’m not sure why.”
I knew why. I heard the child psychiatrist suggest a holiday, a break, a change of scenery to take my mind off of everything, to fix me. My mother hadn’t left the house in months and wasn’t stable enough to, so my grandparents stepped in. But I wasn’t exactly going to push all of that onto a kid if just met, so kept it short and sweet. It was easier.
“I live with just my mom,” I explained.
“You don’t have a dad?” he said, looking worried.
The question should’ve stung, hurt, burnt even. I should’ve been choked by a wave of grief, my voice should’ve gone shaky, I should’ve looked away to reminisce.
Instead I held his gaze and gave a numb reply, “not anymore.”
He smiled sadly, brown eyes deep with chocolate melancholy, “me neither.”
“Really?” I asked, perking up.
He nodded, looking upset. That’s how I should be acting, like I had salt in my wounds, like the thought of him could bring a tear to my eye. I supposed I just wasn’t normal.
“Do you know how to play hang man?” I asked, not wanting to dwell on our conversation or my thoughts for much longer.
“Of course,” he replied, eyebrows pinched with confusion.
I grabbed the old crinkled sheet of unused paper and a random feather quill lying about the place.
“Let’s play then,” I grinned.
I went first. Cross legged, I tapped the tip of the feather on my chin. It tickled very slightly. I carefully chose my word, somewhere between easy and impossible. I could sense Gat was clever and I didn’t want him to guess the word too quickly.
_ _ _ _ _
5 stroke decorated the page, small and neat. I signalled for him to guess, leaning back. He took his time, he wasn’t like some other kids I’d played with. He was careful and considerate.
“A,” he finally decided.
A common vowel. Smart. I would’ve guessed it too.
“Yep!” I popped the ‘P’ and jotted it down.
_ _ _ A _
His eyes narrowed, as he went through possibilities silently in his head, “I?”
“No,” I replied with a smug sort of smile as I drew one line of shame to mark the start of a hang man.
I never realised what morbid games we teach our children until I grew up. A simple word game tainted with the drawing of a dead man, murdered by now a banned punishment.
“O,” Gat guessed again.
“Yes,” I huffed, slotting the letter into my spaces, “you’re good at this.”
“I just have a strategy,” he shrugged casually.
“Which is?” I asked.
“It wouldn’t be a good strategy if I told everyone,” he grinned boyishly causing my eyes to roll left.
He soon whittled me down to only having two letters left and a half-drawn hang man. He still had a few guesses left and I was certain he’d guess the whole word soon enough.
O _ _ A N
He tapped his chin thoughtfully, as if the letters needed deep analysis.
“What are you weighing up,” I asked in my childish curiosity
“Options,” he mused, pursing his lips, a tell of his concentration.
“You want to guess all of it?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes but I’m not sure if it’s worth giving up the extra letters if I’m wrong,” he winced.
“Sometimes you just have to take a risk,” I shrugged, the words resonating with me a little more than I would’ve liked. If only I’d just been taking about a harmless game.
“I guess sometimes you do,” he nodded confidently, “okay, then your word is ocean.”
“Correct!” I giggled, filling in the rest of the spaces, “see, you should’ve gone for it earlier, I know you knew it before, you’re better than you think!”
“I guess but-“
The voices I’d been tuning out suddenly swarmed back in interrupting whatever Gat had to say. The game had ended and reality was starting to seap back in.
“I don’t want her in The Liar,” the boy insisted stubbornly.
I peaked over the top of the chair that had been sheltering me. His face was scrunched up, his expression clearly disgruntled and annoyed. He was probably used to getting his way. I should know, I was a rich kid too after all.
“Only because you’ll be outnumbered,” Mirren shot back, arms folded.
“We don’t even know her!” he fought back.
“We would be getting to know her now, if you hadn’t started this argument over nothing,” Cadence said.
“Don’t talk about her like she’s not here,” Gat said, standing up, “she’s one of us.”
I felt the impulse to stand up beside him.
“No,” Johnny scowled, “there’s only four liars.”
He held up a hand with four fingers, jabbing them into the air in some act a protest. But I was too used to the feeling of rejection that it didn’t hurt anymore.
“There’s room for more,” Mirren pressed.
“It won’t be the same,” he countered.
A grin spread across Cadence’s lips, “I think you’re just scared,” she teased him.
“I’m not scared,” he said defensively raising his voice. People raised their voices when they felt unheard or defenceless in any other way. “I just don’t like her,” he snapped, making direct eye contact with me.
I held his gaze hoping my silent message got to him.
You can’t hurt someone who knows what real pain feels like.
“You have no good reason,” Gat defended me, angling his body in-front of mine. I felt touched he could want to be this sweet so someone he’s only just met. I made a mental note that day that Gat was far too trusting for the real world.
“I don’t have to have a reason,” he insisted, like a boy who had been taught all the wrong values to be all the right things.
“That’s true,” I said slowly, “but maybe if you got the chance to know me you might feel differently.”
“Doubt it,” he grumbled, not daring to meet my eye again bringing me a slight sense of satisfaction.
“You’re not the leader Johnny, the Liars don’t have a leader,” Mirren chastised him, “and it’s three against one.”
“So you’re ganging up on me for someone you don’t even know,” he scrunched up his nose, distastefully, “what if she’d a thief?”
“I can assure you my grandfather has far too much money so I don’t need to steal,” I replied swiftly, coolly.
He walked up to me, puffing out his chest to make himself look bigger. I was a threat and he was refusing to admit it to himself.
“You can’t just come here and act like you own Beechwood,” he sneered, body too close to mine for my liking.
“I haven’t,” I replied bluntly, my deadpan tone flat and unbothered, “I was brought here by your grandmother who invited my grandparents and me to stay.”
“You’ve already got them under your spell,” he countered, thrusting a hand out to point at his cousins, “what are you, some witch?”
“Just drop it, we can’t waste our summer arguing,” Mirren groaned, “she’s a Liar now, get over it.”
“I don’t like her,” Johnny glowered, his face inches from mine, his stance vicious, his voice spiteful.
But I saw him for who he really was. Hurt people hurt people. I’d learnt that too.
“Well I like her,” Cady shrugged airily, “she’s one of us Johnny,”
One of us. How funny it was to be part of something that felt so big. And for the first time in all my summers of existing, I felt wanted. At least by some.
***
We were staying in the guesthouse built on the island, named Lockheart. I liked it. I found it funny how all the houses here had strange names, but it made them seem more personal, like they weren’t just houses.
It was a cosy house. The walls were a different colour and wallpaper in every room, there were picture frames and trinkets on shelves. The banisters twisted and turned, the furniture was mismatched, the bedrooms bursting with personality. A large bookshelf sat in the living space with well worn hardbacks sat in disorganised chaos. It was like everything not deemed perfect enough had been slung together to form a house for guests the Sinclairs never intended to have. But one man’s trash was certainly another man’s treasure because the moment I stepped in, I adored the quirks. My mismatched wardrobe and vanity, my multicoloured pillows, the three beanbags piled onto of each other in the corner, the view of the beach from my window and the star shaped lamp at my bedside. It was all glorious. It felt like I had my own palace.
My room at home was a military base. Everything was seamless to hide the cracks of the people that lived within its applauded foundation. My bed frame matched the wooden floors which matched the wardrobe, the bedside table, the desk and vanity. Everything was colour coded meticulously, so much so sometimes it seemed like some sort of optical illusion. I often wondered if that was how I fell asleep at night, my mind entranced by this forged perfection and I was cold out. Lockheart couldn’t have been further from my home and I couldn’t have loved it anymore for it.
Over the next few weeks the tension between Johnny and I didn’t ease. He’d look at me through narrowed slits of his eyes over the dinner table. He seemed to track my every movement when I was trying to have a good time with the Liars.He was smart about it, always played the right smile when the adults were watching but behind their backs I was target to his deadly stares. Not that I was intimidated, he had no idea what I was used to back home, he was nothing. But strangely enough, he didn’t say another word to me. Despite the looks it was like he didn’t realise I even existed.
My grandparents only stayed for two weeks. And over those two weeks I spent time with the Liars, though Johnny always seemed to make a point about them not really being Liars if I was around. We built sandcastles and played hide and seek, raced each other to the shore and back and hit balls with tennis rackets until our hands were sore.
It was the epitome of summer, like a dream I wouldn’t have dared to have dreamt. It took me so far away from my real life back home that I almost forgot I was a different girl in some far off land with a dead dad and mad mum.
Summer 9 made me forget, finally freed me of the gilded cage I’d been trapped in for so long but I couldn’t tell whether that was good or not.
I liked the Liars. I liked feeling part of something bigger than myself. I liked having friends that made me smile and braided my hair and cared what I had to say. I was having the summer of my life, of any young girls life. There was a sense of freedom, wild reckless abandon. I didn’t have to conscious or upright or on guard.
On the eve that marked our 2 week mark stay on the island my grandfather sat me down and explained I had a choice to make. He had to leave the island unexpectedly with my grandmother, I could either accompany them or spend the rest of the summer here.
The next morning they left on a boat and I waved goodbye from the dock. I’d tasted freedom and it was syrupy sweet, an addiction, a guilty pleade fast falling into necessity. And I sure as hell wasnt ready to give it up.
***
Tipper suggested I move in with Penny and Cadence, not wanting me to be alone so I transferred most of my belongings to Windemere by noon.
Windemere was quaint, an air of polished precision about parts of it that made it seem also sterile. It reminded me of Penny, uptight, orderly, stern. Penny was a white couch, a fresh manicure, a cashmere coat. She was perfected and sleek. She scared me.
Even the furniture seemed scared to be too comfortable. I remember the first night I slept on the mattress in the spare room, it was almost rigid and made my back sore.
What made up for the lack of Lockheart which I very much was kissing was Cadence. She was a good house mate, although so difficult to wake up in the mornings. Penny was usually out on a run when I awoke so I got Cady up almost every day but that girl was one deep sleeper. No matter how many times I said their name she’d barely budge. Actually she wouldn’t even respond, not a twitch or flinch. Though as much as her sleep habits contributed to my morning burdens, we became close in a way I didn’t know was possible for me. We spent so much time together, learning all of the stupid meaningless little things about each other; favourite ice-cream flavours and dream wedding dresses. I liked sharing clothes with her, sometimes we’d switch out jewellery or dresses or shoes or bags, it was like a fashion show every morning.
Cadence was talent and sparkle and fire. She was the big sister I never knew I needed, a missing piece in the giant jigsaw puzzle of my heart. We’d sneak into each other’s rooms most nights for company, a fairytale story or to trade some schoolgirl gossip from our real lives. We’d fall asleep mid-conversation sometimes, no idea where we’d left off by the next morning. She was a good talker but an even better listener. Cady made me feel seen and heard for the first time in a long time, she made me feel understood despite the fact I didn’t disclose anything about my home life to her. It got to a point where her presence calmed me, soothed the restlessness in my soul, made me forget,about the real world.
***
But the real world had always had a way of seeping back into my head, drowning my light with ebony memories. It was the worst at night, especially when Cady was asleep. She’d seen me have a nightmare once, I’d been talking in my sleep apparently, jerking around. She told me she hadn’t understood what I’d been dreaming about but suspected it was a monster. She was right, a monster with a human face. From then on I made sure she fell asleep first so she’d never see that again.
I’d had trouble with sleep for many years now and no matter how many sleep doctors and child hypnotherapists they took me, nothing worked. I still had nightmares, my body still wasn’t resting properly. It made me feel like a broken toy no one could fix. I’d sit in sterile rooms on uncomfortable couches, knowing exactly what words I’d hear next; sorry we just can’t help her, we’ve tried everything. My father hated being told no.
I shuddered seeing his face in my mind. I rolled over and found Cady sound asleep, her blond hair splayed about the pillow, collecting in a halo. She was an angel who deserved to be saved. If Icarus fell to the flames then she would rise from them, I was sure. I tiptoed from the room in my slippers and pyjamas, feelong a familiar ache to find my grandfather and curl into his arms. He always knew what to say in the late ours of night to soothe the blaring buzzing in my head and calm me enough to sleep. But I was reminded he wasn’t here as I stared at the empty dark hallways.
Some kids my age would be scared of hallways like these, spooked by non existent demons made up by their mind, but my demon lived with me. I knew I had nothing to be afraid of. I made it down the staircase, going to turn into the kitchen for a glass of water when the front door called to me. Its sturdy frame and metallic door handle cried out my name and I didn’t even think about it. I was there and then I’d left.
The night’s air was crisp and cool. There was a breeze that ran empty fingers through my hair and kissed my rosy cheeks. I walked with no idea where my feet might take me until I ended up inside Lockhart, in my grandfather’s bedroom. It smelt like old books and coffee. Before I knew it I’d kicked off my slippers and had clambered onto his side of the bed, letting myself fall into his makeshift embrace. I don’t remember my body moving or any signal between my brain and limbs in that moment. It was so automatic and instinctual that I had no power.
My chest hurt and my throat throbbed in a steady rhythm. I inhaled his sense, grieving the absence of my grandparents, grieving the sense of loneliness is grown used to, grieving the love I’d never been given enough of. My body began to grow heavy, my eyes tired. I fought sleep with a rusty sword and a weak swing.
Everything was changing. I’d lost one parent and now the other was slipping away. I’d been invited here but not wholeheartedly welcomed. The juxtaposition of it all sent me spiralling.
But before I could immerse myself into that mental state, I heard a rustling. Not uncommon, it must’ve been the wind so I remained curled up, invisibly wasting away. My body wilting, shedding, bending, breaking.
Until I heard footsteps. I jolted upright, panic seizing my throat. No one was calling my name, they weren’t here looking for me. Someone was in this house.
There was a wince worthy clang and I shuddered, not knowing whether I should dare to move or not. My fingers shook violently and my teeth chattered despite there being no draft or chill, the window was closed. There was a loud thump on the other side of the wall and I scrambled up. The worst possibilities flew to my mind as I flung open my grandfather’s beside draw, feeling around for something to defend myself with. One of his great, old Dickens original hardbacks sat proudly in the middle. I snatched it up, my arm muscles protesting. Biting my lip, I braced myself as I slowly crept down the hallway. Towards the belly of the beast.
The door was ajar. I pressed my body up against the wooden oak and tried to peak in but my victim was behind the door. My palms were sweating, the book was slipping, my heart was pounding. I could hear mystery person looking through draws and boxes, grunting in frustration when they didn’t find what they wanted. I said a silent prayer and slipped in, holding the book above my head in as a defence mechanism.
“Are you seriously threatening me with a book?” came an incredulous voice, “reading isn’t scary you know.”
Shocked to see Johnny Sinclair, crouching in my former bedroom, one hand still in a drawer I hadn’t quite taken all of my things out of yet, I almost dropped my weapon.
“I was going to throw it at you,” I grumbled, lowering it as my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
“But you haven’t,” he pointed out, dusting invisible dirt off of his hands as he stood up
“I thought you were an intruder,” I shrugged, hugging the hook to my chest, “that’s all.”
“On a private island?” he sniggered, raising his eyebrows.
“I don’t know!” I protested, “I just heard something and panicked.”
“Why have you been crying?”
The question was so out of context I nearly gave myself whiplash. My fingers instinctively tentatively touched my cheek. I hadn’t even noticed, but my face sure was damp. And all of the sudden I felt very very stupid.
“What are you doing here?” I countered, ignoring his question completely. He didn’t need to know, I didn’t want to admit it.
“Well I didn’t think anyone was going to be in here,” he scoffed, shutting the drawer with his foot.
I shifted my weight onto my hip taking the stance of an annoyed mother, “that’s doesn’t explain it.”
“I was taking a look around,” he replied.
He wasn’t. That much was obvious. Someone taking a look around did so calmly, he was rushing, frantic, searching. But if I hadn’t known all of that I would’ve believed him in a heartbeat. No wonder he was a Liar.
I narrowed my eyes, “It’s not your house,” I said, my tone clipped and sharp.
“And news flash, it’s not yours either!” he shot back.
“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes, annoying yhat technically he was right, “just get out and don’t come back, I want to be left alone.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re not meant to be here alone,” Johnny replied, his voice laced with the most aggravating kind of amusement. I wanted to rip the smirk off of his face and throw him out of the window.
“Neither are you!” I burst.
“Yeah well,” he shrugged leaning back on a wall with a laissez-faire attitude, “why were you crying?”
“Why’d you care?” I snapped, all my guard up: the ice walls, the metallic spikes, barbed wire, the fortress weapons.
His face softened and for a second I forgot how intimidating it looked when he was angry and realised for the first time that he was just a kid like me, “I’m not a monster you know,” he said slowly, almost fearfully.
“Really?” I seethed, “because this is the first semi-nice conversation I’ve ever hard with you.”
He fell silent, looked solemn. I almost felt guilty until my brain flagged up all the times he’d made me feel unwanted or stupid.
He dared to meet my eyes and for a moment the two of us just stared. I’d never realised quite how alluringly blue his eyes were. They sparkled like the sapphires on an ancient broach both our families would fight at an auction for. There was something about them that nearly made my heart ache, I wanted sink and drown in there depths, as if they had a siren song’s hold over me.
Johnny held out his hand to me, “Come with me.”
“Why should I tru-“
“Just do it,” he cut me off abruptly, then his voice softened, “I promise you won’t regret it.”
Everything in my head was telling me to walk out but nothing on my heart listened. I don’t know what it was within me but I just went. His palm was warm and slightly sticky with sweat in mine. But I held it anyway. I held it and I trusted it. He guided me gently towards a spiral of stairs I’d never dared to go up after my grandfather told me not to when we first arrived. I stopped my the foot, hesitating to move any further.
“I’m not allowed,” I backed away, but his palm was already pressed against my back as if an escape wasn’t possible.
“You are now,” he smirked, looking proud of himself, “it’s dark, everyone’s asleep and no one’s going to find out. Don’t tell me you aren’t curious.”
I was. And it annoyed me that he knew I was. Shaking myself from any aspect of his grasp I trudged in front and up the stairs, taking one step at a time up the dizzying spiral. It was only when I reached the door did I stop. Something in me paralysed and I suddenly felt so alone. It wasn’t until Johnny leant over me, his chest brushing my back that something shifted and I felt that burning surge of courage, a fearlessness that had never been me.
He took the lead, a position he seemed natural in, stepping out in front of me to reach the handle and open the door. A cool breeze kissed my damp cheeks and aching eyes, making, my hair dance in wispy movements. I let my feet guide my body as they inched onto the surface beneath me. It was hard and concrete but I was too busy to notice, my eyes pinned to the sky. The night engulfed every part of me and I wanted to fall to my knees before it. Every fraction of pain in my entity dispersed, evaporated into the sweet air and burnt into the gems in the sky twinkling at me.
I’d never been on the roof of a building for but something about it was freeing. I wasn’t caged in by a gate or constrained by claustrophobic walls. If I wanted to I could fall, if I chose to I could sit precariously on the edge, if I was stupid enough I could jump. It was dangerously delightful and my brain was soaking up the adrenaline rush with a crazed greediness. Like I child who’s never tasted chocolate put in the centre of a sweet shop and told to do whatever they pleased. It had been a good ten minute before I even noticed Johnny laying out a plaid blanket that I hadn’t realised he’d carried up with us.
“What are you doing?” I asked incredulously, when I finally glanced his way.
He patted the blanket beside him, “come.”
I did. I just did.
I laid down next to him, close but not too much so. Our limbs seemed to repel each other, never touching, but always coming close enough to. In my eye-line were the stars. They were beautiful and I adored them much more than I wanted to let on to Johnny. Sparkling dots decorating the ebony sky, a world of light on a sea of darkness. Each seemed to smile or wink and glint extra bright when my eyes skimmed over and over and over them.
“I come here sometimes,” Johnny admitted quietly, the sentence born of a long sterile silence between us, “when you look at the world from this point of view it seems less… scary I guess.”
I was quiet.
He was choosing to open up. His words felt raw and real, as if this was Johnny and the boy I’d met two weeks ago was a different person entirely. There was an emotion other than hate in his voice, his face was relaxed and feature gentle. I saw him. Really saw him. It felt vulnerable. Then I felt vulnerable. And it hit me, he was asking a cryptic question by letting me in, hoping I’d do the same. And to his surprise as well as my own, I found the words finding their way past the lips I’d sworn I’d press shut.
“I miss my home,” I sniffed, a white lie, “and my grandparents, that’s why I’m upset.”
It felt ironic, lying to a liar. I wondered if he knew my tricks and could see through them.
I wasn’t ready to be honest yet. I wasn’t ready to be transparent, he didn’t get the right to read me, to understand me and my head after how he’d treated me. My trust still wobbled on feeble legs, like a foal trying to walk for the first time. How did I know this wasn’t some sort of ploy to get me to open up, to then use that as power against me. I was young but not naive. I’d learnt how valuable trust was, thanks to my parents.
“I miss home too sometimes,” Johnny told me, “but we have so much fun on Beechwood you kind of just… forget.”
This wasn’t Johnny. Not the one I knew. That stark contrast was unnerving. How could a boy so young be practiced in so many masks, how could he completely flip his demeanour and personality.
I stared at him, “why are you being nice to me?”
“Because you’re upset,” he shrugged, as if it were obvious. The dried tears on my tears felt as though they were pulling my skin taut.
“But you hate me,” I blurted out before my brain had time to filter my mouth.
“I don’t hate you,” he said, “I think you’re smart and funny.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, shooting a quizzical look in his direction, “really?”
He grinned and nodded, “way more funny than Gat or Cady.”
“What about Mirren?” I asked curiously.
“Well she’s my favourite so you can’t be better than her,” he said.
I glanced over and met his eyes, “Is it because you want to marry her?”
He laughed, “ew no! She’s my cousin!”
“In the olden days they used to marry their cousins,” I pointed out.
“We’re not in the olden days,” he replied with a swift eye roll.
I sighed. Not even knowing I needed to. Pent up emotion was making my chest so tight and that release was bliss.
“My grandparents left now,” I murmured, more to myself than anyone else, “it’s just me.”
“You’ve got the liars,” Johnny pointed out.
“You didn’t even want me to be in the liars,” I shot back, a low blow I was more than willing to shoot.
“I did,” he replied, sitting up.
I followed, crossing my legs, “no you didn’t.”
“I was testing you,” he shrugged.
My eyebrows shot up and eyes widened, blazing with a fiery annoyance, “Testing me?”
He nodded, “my grandad does it to me sometimes. I wanted to see if you would be a good enough liar and you passed.”
He said that as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Maybe it was his normal. Maybe he lived with the kind of mind that thought everything was a game or test or competition. Maybe he just presumed everyone saw the world like that too.
“Why were you so mean to me for so long then?” I asked, something clipped in my tone.
He looked apologetic, almost guilty, “I’m sorry.”
“That didn’t answer the question,” I said quietly.
“I didn’t mean to be so rude,” he blew out a breath, ignoring my eye contact and laying back, “but I guess once I started I didn’t know how to stop, it’s like there wasn’t an off switch and it felt weird if I was suddenly nice.”
“I wouldn’t have minded,” I quipped sharply.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, “if it makes you feel any better Gat hasn’t stopped scolding me for it.”
I laughed airily, lowering my back down too to join him lying on the blanket again, “he’s sweet.”
“Honestly he sounds like my mom,” Johnny wrinkled his nose.
“Maybe you deserved it,” I stuck my tongue out playfully.
He grinned back but grew serious as he admitted, “I do.”
We stumbled into a silence, not inherently uncomfortable but like there were things hanging in the air waiting to be said. I began counting stars, something about them fascinated me. Where I lived the nights were never this clear and when they were I wouldn’t be allowed out to catch a glimpse of something so beautiful. I was a girl with every materialistic thing in the world who just wanted to look at the stars. How ironic was that.
Johnny cleared his throat, sending a jolt through my spine, awakening me from my trance of adoration.
“My dad,” he began shakily, “not Ed, my real dad,” he paused, “sometimes he was a bad guy and I think I get my bad parts from him.”
“We all have bad parts all of our own,” I shrugged from the naiveness of my nine year old brain, “it’s just a choice to act on them I think.”
I’d met Ed. He was just as lovely as Gat. Sweet and pure and insightful and understanding. I couldn’t imagine Johnny with another father figure especially not like the one he was describing.
I didn’t know then, if it was right to call my dad a bad guy too. He’d not done anything bad but that was the problem. He’d not done anything. But I had a feeling Johnny’s bad was different to my bad.
“I guess,” he said trailing off, “I just get scared I’ll get as bad as him, like when I was horrible to you, it didn’t feel like part of me, it was like a whole different Johnny.”
“Then,” I said slowly, gently, “I look forward to meeting the better version of Johnny.”
Hope glittered in his eyes and radiated the blood that pulsed beneath his face, “does that mean you forgive me?”
I nodded, “I forgive you.”
I had always forgiven too easily. It was only when forgiving someone exhausted me that I forced myself to stop.
“You’re a real nice person you know,” Johnny told me with a soft smile.
“Thank you,” I replied, my cheeks flushing involuntarily.
“I wouldn’t have forgiven me,” he admitted, eyes tracing the stars now.
I watched him with a fascination. He was confusing and bold and kind and daring. He was a mix of all of the worst and best parts of people, a combination of humanity.
“Everyone deserves a second chance,” I said quietly, “but third chances are the things I don’t give.”
“Smart,” he shot a wolffish grin my way, then paused, “so we start over tomorrow.”
“Like I’m meeting you for the very first time,” I nodded.
We didn’t say much more as both our eyes drifted to the bejewelled night sky, letting it allure us closer to a world of dreams. I was just drifting off to sleep, my cheek pressed against Johnny’s shoulder, when he shook my gently awake and helped me sneak back into Windemere. I was guilty of clambering to a window and watching him get back to his own home before I finally got back into bed and fell straight to sleep.
***
I came down to breakfast the next day dressed in a sweet pink skirt and white blouse that Penny had set out for me. I greeted Gat as I sat at the table with Cady but didn’t say a word to Johnny, after all I ‘didn’t know him.’ I took a sip of water from my glass and caught his eyes.
“Hi,” Johnny grinned up at me, offering a hand to shake across the spread, “my name is Johnny.”
“I’m Emma,” I said, flashing a dazzling smile of my own right back at him.
Gat stated at us with a very weird look slapped across his face before slowly leaning towards Cady, “is it just me or this weird?” he whispered.
She nodded, with wide eyes. Her fork was still, jabbed into a pile of pancakes, “very,” she muttered.
Gat turned his attention to us, “What are you guys doing?”
“Meeting for the first time of course,” Johnny replied cheerily.
I laughed, taking a bite from my plate.
“I’m not even gonna ask,” Cady shook her head digging her fork into a perfect cube of cantaloupe.
He looked at me like I was the only one in the room, like Cady and Gat hadn’t just questioned us, “do you have a favourite colour?” he asked.
“Purple,” I replied, pink-cheeked and cheery eyed, “but not a dark purple, the light dainty kind, how about you?”
“Red.”
He was sure. Sharp. Confident and Bold. Johnny Sinclair was the colour red. A colour of complexities and complications and oxymorons and opposites. Johnny Sinclair was the colour red.
Before I had time to reply, Mirren arrived at the scene, rubbing her tired eyes as her mother fussed over Taft and the twins.
“What are we doing today then?” she yawned, plopping herself down beside me and helping herself to some pancakes until she was met from her mother’s warning stare across the table. Tentatively she put one back and replaced it with two spoons of fruit.
“I’m voting swimming,” Cady chimed in.
“No,” Mirren groaned, “swimming’s fun for like five minutes and then it’s cold and wet and horrible.”
“Come on Mir, where’s your sense of adventure?” Johnny teased, poking his tongue out.
“There’s nothing adventurous about taking a dip in the ocean,” she scowled in return.
“How about board games?” Gat suggested.
“The sun is shining, it’d be a waste,” Cady sighed.
“We could bring them outside,” he offered, looking too hopefully.
“Yawn!” Mirren sighed quashing his starry eyed dreams, “I want to do something exciting.”
“Hence swimming,” Johnny rolled his eyes.
“I’ve got an idea,” I said with a shy smile.
His eyes met mine and confidence surged through me, “go on,” he nodded, a bubbling encouragement.
“Why are you being so nice?” Mirren scrunched up her face towards him.
“It’s todays biggest mystery,” Gat told her.
“They’re acting odd,” Cady filled in, nodding towards Johnny and I.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I shrugged.
“Neither,” Johnny replied, amusement lacing his tone, “anyway Emma please continue.”
“This is so weird,” Mirren mumbled
“Okay so there’s this game I once played,” I began.
It was a lie, I’d never played it. Some characters in a book I’d finished a few days before I’d come to island had though and I liked to believe I lived through them vicariously.
“We each pick a random name, from something like a hat, so each one of us ends up with a name from someone else in the group,” I explained, “then we have to take an item that belongs to them without them noticing and hide it for as long as we can. It’s your job to figure out who stole your item and what item they stole but you only get two chances on confrontation, so if you fail on both you’re out. The last person left with their thievery unguessed is the winner.”
“That sounds so fun!” Mirren burst
“I’m in and I’ll warn you now I will come out victorious,” Cady grinned wickedly.
“We’ll see about that Cady because I’m in too,” Gay nodded, “sounds great Emma.”
“I like it too,” Johnny nodded in approval, “an expert plan from the newest member of The Liars.”
Mirren’s jaw dropped, “okay what in the world happened? Did you hit your head Johnny? Did the ground open up last night and we didn’t noticed? Have you been switched with a less evil twin? Did your mom yell at you or something?”
“Enough,” he chuckled wavering her off, “I’m making amends.”
“Somewhat,” I teased.
“Careful don’t test me,” he quipped.
***
I glanced at the name on my paper. Mirren. I smiled to myself. From weeks of observation I knew that Mirren’s mind was chaotic, wild, free. That would be translated in her space, things would be messy and therefore easily lost. That was my ticket to winning. All of us Liars slipped away in different directions so I took the opportunity to go to the back of Cuddledown and sneak in through the back door. I was thrilled to find nobody home and immediately snuck up into Mirren’s room in search of something.
It was different to how I’d imagine, instead on bubblegum pink the walls were a sterile white, the bedding was creaseless and all surfaces sparkling. The room looked hollow, furniture was all that gave it a touch of life and yet still it felt dead inside. My fingers grazed over items on her vanity, all neatly organised into colour coordinated rows. Everything on the surface level looked tidy, but I opened one drawer and Mirren’s messy mind spilled out. I began to notice that all of the energy and bubbly personality was hidden beneath the staged and seamless exterior. Her mom probably only took notice of how the room looked, not its contents, maybe she didn’t even bother looking in drawers, hence the cleanliness of the outside and the chaos of the inside.
I waded my way through drawers of keepsakes and trinkets, notebooks and journals, hair ties and clips when finally I found something perfect. Her art drawer. It was a state. A calamity of felt tip pens and coloured pencils, a riot of paintbrushes and oil pastels, a dispute of lead and blending stumps.
My eyes scanned everything before I touched any of it. I knew what I wanted. Carefully my fingers tentatively slipped against a cool, almost metallic object. I expect my slid it out attempting not to change any of the drawers original look despite my stolen good being under everything.
I fiddled about with a few of the other drawers, just to pull her from the scent, messing things about. Swapping items and leaving some turned upside down or on their sides. I left the room, smiling to myself knowing I’d purposely left her beside drawer open slightly as well. No on said anything about playing dirty.
I slipped out of Cuddledown unseen, glancing down at the little secret in my palm. A tube of blue paint. She’d never guess it.
***
I kept an eye out for anyone too suspicious but to my disappointment I didn’t run into any of the Liars on my way to Windemere. I was even more surprise when I didn’t find Cady already in there searching for her item and wondered where she might be.
Still, I was on a time crunch. I needed to work out what was stolen and who stole it as fast as I could. I wanted to be victorious.
I was an organised soul so I was almost certain I’d notice if anything was missing. I searched through all of my drawers two times over, under that one loose floorboard and beneath the bed but not a single thing was missing. I stalked through my wardrobe but it was almost as if it hadn’t even been touched.
A shiver ran down my spine.
Gat was my first hunch, he seemed as though he would be clever enough to take something without me noticing but I don’t know if he’d have the heart to go though with it, even if it were just a game.
Cady had the brains and the drive to win but how did she make everything so precise? She wasn’t conscientious enough and everything to eerily exact. Maybe it wasn’t a belonging from my room. I had books of mine in Clairemont, a dress or too in Cuddledown when I’d lent Mirren one. I made it my personal mission to search every inch of the island, because my room had just been too perfect for anyone to have tried to take anything from there.
In my rush, I managed to run smack into someone. The impact stole my balance and sent me falling backwards a little. I felt a hand grab my wrist and gently pull me back up to normal.
“Sorry,” I said quickly, regaining composure and smoothing out my dress.
“Don’t worry.”
The voice was familiar and sent an odd warmth I didn’t quite understand spilling all through the pit of my stomach.
“Found your culprit, sunshine?” Johnny asked breezily.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” I smirked, “what’s with the ‘sunshine’?”
He tilted his head to the side, “you don’t like it?”
“I didn’t say that,” I bit my lip to hide a smile.
“You remind me of sunshine,” he said, almost shyly.
“Is that a good thing?” I wondered aloud.
“I like the sunshine,” he shrugged.
“Then I’m honoured,” I grinned, “what about you? Have you caught your thief?”
“Mhmmm,” he nodded, “Cady thought she was being slick with the tennis ball but she needs to work in her poker face.”
I internally groaned. He’d beaten me in finding his person which was incredibly annoying. I’d made up the day so surely I should be the best at it. Still, he had unintentionally given me a clue. Cady was not my thief so I could rule her out.
“You seem annoyed,” he narrowed his eyes.
“You would be mistaken for thinking so,” I replied swiftly, “anyways if you don’t mind, I’ve got things to do.”
I turned on my heels and walked away trying to find the next right direction. I didn’t know what exactly I was doing but I knew I needed to get away from Johnny.
Distractions weren’t for champions.
“Oh you’re definitely annoyed,” he called after me.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head and was even more determined to win.
***
I wracked my brain. I’d checked everywhere three times over, I’d been to Clairmont, Cuddledown, even Redgate. I’d asked Tipper and Bess, I’d even tried to recruit to twins to help me look. And still nothing. Whoever my thief was hadn’t stolen from my bedroom. I knew myself and where I placed all my things too well. Everything was organised, precise.
I was sat on the floor feelong all too sorry for myself when some sort of lightning bolt hit me and I raced to Lockheart . How could I have forgotten my room at Lockheart?
I bolted there, as fast as my legs could carry me and found that my earrings were missing from the jewellery box. The ones that were golden sun-shaped studs.
Then I knew.
***
Johnny. Of course it was Johnny.
Johnny who was outspoken and loud. Johnny who always seemed to have scraped knee or new bruise. Johnny who seemed invincible, like he’d never be afraid of anything at all.
Who else would he bold enough to dangle a clue right in front of my face just to amuse himself? Something between aggravation and admiration stirred inside of me. He was annoyingly smart. I didn’t particularly like people who were smart, because it meant they could outsmart me and I enjoyed, even from a young age feeling as though I had an intellectual upper hand.
On my way back from Lockheart, I saw the mess of blonde hair on the beach and bound in that direction, sneaking up behind him.
“Hey!” I playfully shoved his back, “hand my earrings over, you thief.”
I flattened out my hand in expectation as he turned.
“That’s a strong accusation to make,” he pursed his lips and raised his stupid eyebrows, “are you sure?”
“I know it’s you, so don’t even try your mind games with me,” I folded my arms, an unwavering steeliness in my eyes that told him I meant it.
“Well played,” he grinned producing the box, “sunshine.”
He winked. My heart skipped a little. And I didn’t understand why my stomach suddenly felt electric and acrobatic. I was taken by a spell of dizzy excitement that made colours dance and spun across my vision like some sort of merry-go-round on drugs.
“Look!” he suddenly shouted, “there’s Cady and Mirren! Race you!”
He started running as he said the words.
“Cheater!” I cried back, laughing and still bolting right after him, the midday sun kissing my skin.
We met in the middle of the lawn, breathless and rosy-cheeked. Gat had also appeared and so the five of us paused to deliberate.
“Who’s still left?” Cady asked.
“I’ve been guessed,” Johnny said.
Gat sighed, “me too.”
“I’m out as well,” Mirren groaned, “and I thought I played it so well!”
“Don’t worry Mir, me too!” Cady consoled her.
All eyes flicked to me, “wait so I’m the only one left…”
“You’re the winner,” Cady said.
My eyes darted and met Johnny’s. Something between disappointment, annoyance and admiration flicked across his features in fractions. Yet his face rested in a smirk, I wondered silently if that was his natural state, proud and overconfident.
“So you had mine!” Mirren exclaimed, eyes as wide of saucers, “what was it?”
I produced the paint tube from my pocket, almost a trophy of my triumph.
“Ugh that was so good! Never would’ve noticed,” she said, “I haven’t painted with this colour in ages.”
“Maybe it’s a sign you should,” I smiled, gently handing it back to he.
“Or we should,” Johnny had a glint of mischief in his eyes, as he plucked the tube from Mirren’s hands.
“I don’t like where this is going,” Gat winced.
“Agreed,” I piped up.
“Come on you two, it’s the summer,” Mirren teased, “shouldn’t we be having a little fun. What’s the plan Johnny?”
“And this is why Mirren is my favourite,” he smirked, “but I don’t have an exact plan yet, but I know drawn to the paint and making a mess of things, it’s calling out to me.”
“I have an idea,” Cady suddenly smiled.
“Goody two shoes, first Sinclair granddaughter Cadence has an idea?” Johnny raised his eyebrows, looking far too excited as his eyes sparkled brighter.
Not that I was paying attention.
Cady slapped him lightly, “shut up and listen. Here’s what I propose…”
***
Gat and I were worriers, over-thinkers, outsiders. We stumbled behind the line of Sinclair grandchildren, the three blondes bubbling with an excitement that soured in my stomach. I thought it was a bad idea but who was I to argue or even attempt to stop them. Maybe a small part of me just wanted to let go and be rebellious and then my senses took over.
Harris would be mad. Tipper would go crazy. The mothers would be horrified.
I think that’s why the Sinclair children were so excited. As Gat and I shared worried glances and sweating palms, they tingled with excitement and buzzed with adrenaline.
When we got into Clairmont the dogs were already there. Sat with their regal, beautiful coats of golden woven thread. And suddenly I felt awful all over again.
“Are you sure about this Cady?” I whispered hastily.
“Stop being such a worry guts, sunshine.” Johnny grinned, nudging me.
“He’s right, this is going to be fun!” Cady agreed handing me a paintbrush.
Gat sighed, accepting his paintbrush. And his fate. He glanced at me, feeling more like a mirror than a boy, “what could go wrong?”
“It’s time for a makeover,” Mirren squealed excitedly as she carefully streak some of the golden fur with blue paint.
“It won’t hurt them will it?” Gat asked, “the chemicals in the paint.”
Mirren shook her head, “Mummy only buys me the more premium 100% natural paints, don’t worry Gat.”
He nodded hesitantly taking his brush to the fur. He drew a smiley face making us all giggle. And then suddenly we were doodling all over the dogs. Johnny was leading me over to the second golden and before I knew it I was drawing polka dots all over one side of his golden coat.
Time felt endless.. The moment was priceless. We were infinite.
The dogs shook the wet paint off shattering blue all over our faces and clothes. We were going in so much trouble but for the first time I didn’t care. I was too busy laughing. So hard that my belly ached and my ribs protested.
And suddenly something cold and wet was smeared over my cheek. Looking to my left I caught a glimpse of the amusement painted all over Johnny’s face. His weapon of attack in form of a paintbrush. Without a second thought, I swiped right back at him getting it all over his neck and collar of his shirt.
Before he could retaliate, the dogs were suddenly up and bolting out of the room. We’d been silly enough to leave the door open.
“Oh no!” Cady yelled, taking off after them.
Then we were sprinting. Johnny’s sweaty hand was in mine, practically dragging me down the hallway. He was hot on Cady’s heels and quick to overtake her and pulling me with him, but not before the dog’s has run directly into Harris’s office. We came to abrupt halt at the door, all crashing into one another. Knees, elbows, heads, a muddle of body parts.
“This is bad,” Gat muttered as we stood.
Harris stood there deathly silent. And I so was sure for a moment this was how I would die. He looked between us for a long hard while, making intense eye contact.
“Children, come forwards and stand in a straight line.”
We began to move.
“Be quick about it!”
His voice was halfway between abrasive and jovial and sent my brain spiralling with confusion and conflict.
We stood in a single file, horizontal line as if in some sort of military arrangement. All five of us looked towards with straight, slightly guilt-ridden expressions on our blue splattered faces.
Harris folded his arms, everythung abiut his suddenly stern, “did you five do this?”
We looked at each other, all making a silent pact.
We were liars.
We shook our heads in the sort of unison that made this whole affair looked staged. We reminded ourselves not to giggle or break character until we’d left the room. We were covered head to toe in splatters of dark blue paint as were the beloved retrievers.
Harris sighed outwardly, “little liars,” he shook his head, lips quirking up into a funny sort of smile, “you can’t get away with it that easily, the paint all over the five of your gives it away. Next time you want to lie, make sure you’ve discarded all of the evidence.”
He tapped the side of his nose twice.
“Number one rule of being liars,” Tipper began, “is don’t get caught so as a little lesson for my little Liars, you will wash the paint off of my dogs and any other place you got dirty.”
We all nodded and guided the dogs out, bursting into laughing fits as soon as we thought Harris and Tipper could not longer hear us.
one of my favorite parts about the we were liars tv show is the references to family of liars, like Harrison looking at the picture of Rosemary, or the moms thinking that what happened to their kids was karma for what they did to pfeff (which he so deserved btw) but like im so hoping that they make a tv adaptation of family of liars, esp cs the last scene with Carrie and Johnny leads into the beginning of it.
i just feel like this character is not talked about enough at all especially from context from the books. like she is exactly that type of perfect girl whos cracking at the seams. to who perfect doesnt come with ease, it comes with calculation, with effort, with work.
the type of girl whos closeted because it ruins her image of being perfect and desirable.
she is regina george, she is leighton from slocg, she is quinn fabray, she is jackie taylor, she is imogen from heartstopper, shelby from the wilds, she is barbie.
in the books she said shes known shes had feelings for girls for a long time.
but what does that mean at sixteen?
It meant letting boys kiss you behind the bleachers not because you wanted to, but because it was easier than saying no—and because you’d been told since you were twelve that this was what girls like you did.
It meant sitting in front of the mirror before every party, curling your lashes and dabbing gloss on your mouth, practicing the version of yourself everyone already assumed you were—beautiful, desirable, straight.
It means dating boys who carried your books and watched your tennis matches, who waited outside your classrooms like puppies. And you let them. You smiled and linked arms and never admitted how deeply you didn’t care.
You just wanted to be the girl everyone said you were. You wanted things to stay smooth.
that's penny. the sinclair woman. who practices discretion, who's great in a crisis, who's emotionally unavailable, incapable of love, she isn't pitied, she has potential, she manages with her back straight, and she is the strongest daughter.
spoilers ahead for yall who haven't read the We Were Liars book but I have just started the TV show and finished ep 2 and I am about to be insufferable
truly truly loving how much more the characters get fleshed out onscreen than in the book, adding more perspectives than just Cadence's is actually really useful for the sake of the show, and it also enhances how unreliable Cadence's perspective is from a reader's standpoint
also I love the additions that come from Family of Liars, they just make sense in the show
the subtlety in the way the Liars are seen in all the Summer 17 scenes is so, so good!!! the way none of the adults or kids properly look at the Liars or speak to them??? but there's just enough interaction-like material that new viewers are fooled??? top notch
even the details like where Mirren says "nice hat, Aunt Penny" and Penny touches her hat — but DOESN'T LOOK AT MIRREN OR SAY THANK YOU. new viewers would assume Penny is just distracted by trying to call Cadence over but readers know.
Carrie not responding to Johnny because supposedly she's upset when Cadence drops his phone (Johnny isn't there to her at all — though I wonder if that'll change later in the show in accordance with what we learn in Family of Liars)
