Not my dumbass traumatized self blaming myself for being unable to sleep because I wanted to attempt to sleep in the dark. I've had trouble with it lately due to delusions and flashes of unpleasant things.
My friend literally just said to me "still not your fault" when I told her WHY it was my fault. And I just stopped and had a moment of clarity. I'm fucking crying right now. It is NOT my fucking fault. I can't help it I had a pain flare up. I can't help it that I wanted to face my fear and sleep in the dark again. I can't help it that I'm severely traumatized with lots of chronic pain issues. It's not my fault. It's not my fucking fault. I don't have to be in control of everything. I have so many fucking issues and such an obsessive need for control and everything to go right.
Fucking sobbing. Sometimes you just need that person to tell you that shit.
Experiencing love and "romance" outside of what the norm is is so fucking weird. We always call it romance, but it really...isn't. Like one of our alters has "fallen in love" with one of our partner's alters, but they're aromantic. Like. No romance at all aromantic. But they still both feel strongly about one another and agree to be "boyfies" (their term for boyfriends.) Our system is grayromantic and experience alterous attraction. We also have very complicated relationships with romance, love, anything like that due to us being autistic, but also our disorders. Feelings fluctuate a lot for seemingly no reason, either our PDs or different alters.
Our alter only really knows that it is a feeling stronger than whatever love is, platonic or romantic. It is a desire to be by them, to see them smile. Our partner's alter expressed the same thing. It's not...necessarily romantic??? But since we don't really understand it ourselves nor know how to describe it, it's just...a mess???
Our experiences with any connections or strong feelings are never easily explained. We usually settle for simpler labels just to make it easy. Like using genderfluid. Truth is, our body's (and host's) gender is very complicated and confusing. It stresses them out trying to understand it since there's so many contributing factors including drama. So they stopped trying and just decided genderfluid and nonbinary. Any more specific xenogender labels are used infrequently and randomly.
Like we are on the asexual, aromantic, and aplatonic spectrums. Everything certainly fluctuates. The body ultimately identifies with grayromantic, aceflux, and aplatonic. But aside from alters having different experiences, there's also just...a lot to consider even for those labels for us bodily and for host.
It's so hard to understand our own feelings about everything. It's even harder for us when those involve connections with other people. Especially with how much our disorders affect our relationships and how connected we feel to others. Everything we sit exists outside of the standard expectation of what it is meant to be.
I guess we just never fully consider it since it's complicated and hard for us to put to words. All we know is that whatever we feel for our partner and some of their alters and whatever else, it is some form of strong mix between platonic and romance yet also without it. It is simply an urge to be with them. A special person, an exception person, a chosen person, a trusted person, a safe person. We don't understand why, we don't know why, we just know they make us happy and to return the favour will be the most cherished blessing of our life.
Hey and welcome to my blog. The name is Eko/Ekko. I'm a part of a system. We're here to mostly just rant about whatever tf we want.
The system is bodily semiverbal/semispeaking. We are personally vocalflux. (Vocal terms being one we saw systems/alters can use when they are different from the body's verbal/speaking.)
We deal with a lot of shit and so will probably go off about that. Don't really know what we intend to do with this blog yet or what the focus will be.
The system is bodily nonbinary and genderfluid and we bodily use they/them. For me though, I guess they/them, maybe he/him. I don't really care.
We have personality disorders, are an autistic/adhd system, and are schizospec and psychotic. Our experiences and reblogs and posts will center around that. We also have hEds and POTS and struggle with fatigue and pain a lot.
We are a polyfrag system and a tbmc survivor. I don't think I'll use that blog for venting about this, but it is our experiences and what we live with so it may come up.
I don't know who I'll share this account with in our system. Right now I suppose it's just me. But yeah. We mostly just reblog stuff anyway since posts are exhausting. A lot of our alters don't care to use social media most of the time, honestly, our system doesn't really care about it aside from vent posts and hyperfixation rants. But we do reblog a shit ton of stuff.
Welcome to our weird fucking world of special interests, hyperfixations, and whatever the fuck else.
-Eko/Ekko
Hey! I'm Eclipse, she/they/he. I'm kinda ready to find my place and wanna speak up more so I'm gonna join in posting some of my thoughts and rants here. I'm still not super sure of much of myself aside from my face claim, but yeah. That's what this is for: exploring my own existence. Nice to meet ya and can't wait to be more active in our system too.
-Eclipse
Hi. I'm Blooky. Bloo for short. I'm pretty calm and stuff. Still kinda newish. Well not really new. Just slow to understand myself. But it's fine. I like games and art. I wanted to join this blog specifically. I use he/him mostly but any are fine. So hi. Nice to meet any of you all.
-Bloo
Some more random info about us below this.
I am a holder of schizoid and antisocial personality disorders. We obviously bodily have these disorders, but a lot of us hold specific disorder traits to lessen the effects on host and the system as a whole. (Ekko)
We have a special safe person/exception person/trusted person/worthy person/favorite person/chosen person. They are our partner system and our closest friend and loved one. We will use those {blank} person titles to refer to them.
We either post and reblog a lot or not at all. Who fucking knows.
We have other disorders besides ones listed/specifically named. We mention them when we feel necessary.
Punk. Mad Pride. Madpunk. Neuropunk. Verbalpunk. Very fucking leftist obviously. Anti psych/psych critical and pro recovery and pro medicine.
