I feel as if emotional sensitivity is not given enough love.
Perhaps it is because the minority who did not love emotions were what gave rise to your desire to become apathetic? Or because this world's nature is to expect people to harden their innermost feelings to stone?
Even then, I find myself looking at your past and wondering, "Why would anyone despise these feelings? Despise such wonderful, vibrant things?"
Perhaps I am not emotional enough to understand this red hot hatred, ironically.
narcissists can be anyone. but have you ever considered you could be one, too? (cw for ableism. lots of it.)
(cw for suicidal thoughts and everything. this is a vent.)
i've always been a firm believer in narcissistic abuse.
i mean, i'm autistic, and i've been through a lot, y'know. it's only natural.
it gave me a place in the world. autistics are the natural enemy of narcissists. we're so highly sensitive! narcissists, the bad guys; our pattern-recognition abilities crack them open like a nutshell to a nutcracker!
narcissists were abusers. but i'm not an abuser. i don't insult people just 'cause i'm mad. i don't hit them. i don't take advantage of people. i always tried my best to communicate and set boundaries. even though i made mistakes (and i've made horrible, horrible decisions i will never forgive myself for,) i was not an abuser.
narcissists were loud-mouthed and grandiose. i hated myself. more than anything in the world. and every attempt i made to be proud of myself was shoved down by everyone around me, so i didn't even try. to me, being a narcissist, someone who had an ego so big it couldn't be penetrated, was the most disgusting thing a person could be.
narcissists could be anyone. but since i self-reflected often, and had a moral compass, i couldn't be a narcissist. narcissists don't self-reflect. they're not self-aware. and even if they were, they'd never want to change their ways. because they're evil.
so, if anyone ever worried about being a narcissist, they actually weren't, since narcissists were bad people inherently and don't ever care about stuff like being kind to others.
i diagnosed my parents are narcissists. i didn't know a single bit of what qualifies someone as one.
and then, i thought i had BPD, so i started doing research into cluster B disorders. it made sense. NPD causes BPD. because NPD was the bad disorder, and BPD was the good one.
but, i didn't have BPD.
as much as tried to deny it, i had NPD.
the bad disorder.
the awful, horrible one.
i was the abuser. the loud-mouthed spoiled brat i couldn't stand anyone around me being. i was the disgusting rotten child. the horrible one who couldn't be good like i was supposed to.
as much as i joke around about having NPD, when i learned i had it, it crushed me. i mean, i crashed right after. i got very close to making a plan to end it all that week (which, thankfully, i didn't act on.)
i mean, i turned out to be the very thing i hated all along. which... to be fair, there's worse things out there. but it was awful. my whole life, i'd been told to hate spoiled children. i mustn't be one, so i hated them instead. i fought all the bad thoughts, and, as such, i never actually got better, even though i looked like a good person. i just kept shaming.
we've been taking it with stride, but every day's just as hard as the last. maybe one day i'll get over it lol
in any case, seeing all the stigma on the internet about narcissists was part of the reason why i never figured it out. it's all disgusting stuff, if you look at it from our perspective. can you imagine always being called evil, unfixable? inherently rotten?
i mean, several of my headmates tried to drag me off while i was making it from just how pissed they were, but i felt it was needed to actually include all those articles. there's so much stigma out there. and it's really unnecessary, if you ask me. i mean, c'mon, man, it's a mental disorder. let's all do better about what are obviously mentally ill people, 'kay?
