I mean… maybe like… a soft boy… or a femboy … or a Midwest emo boy…
But like… not a boy-boy, ya know? Not a guy.
Definitely not a man, absolutely not.
… so… definitely not a trans guy.
I don’t want… brown fluffy short hair that I can run my hand through, cause it’d look bad on me. Or for skirts and hoodies to look right on me, cause they don’t right now. I don’t want to touch the soft invisible blond mustache on my upper lip. I don’t want trans guys telling me the small amount of thinly spread hair on my tummy is cute. I don’t want my eyeliner to look like a boy as opposed to a girl for no explainable reason.
I don’t have a lick of masculinity in me. In my bones. In my eyes. In my face. In my voice. In my speech. In my actions. In my personality.
I just… don’t think I’d make for a very convincing boy.
Idk what I’m doing. Need more SFT forcemasc stuff. Is this forcemasc? Idk.
I constantly see guys at night riding on skateboards, and I just… die a little inside.
I was trying to make the background text hard-ish to read, but the foreground text is hard to see too. I tried a little.
[image description: Man skateboarding down a path. Text “Why do you look at them like that?” “You never cared to be exceptionally ‘cool’.” “You never wanted to ride a skateboard.” “So why do you look at him and get so UPSET?” Faded text in the background says “you want to be him” over and over.]
Just cuddle fuck me, cooing softly at me sweetly with praise and light teasing, making me call myself a good boy over and over.
I don’t even need the sex part. Just cuddle me.
“I’m a good boy. I’m such a good boy for you. I’m your good boy. I want to be your good girlboy.” Mumbled over and over again as you pet me and hold me close and tight and tell me I’m so good.
…
“Am I trans or am I just touch/romance/comfort starved?”
The negative things holding you back from identifying as trans.
Where did you originally hear it?
(Any help appreciated.)
(Mentions of internalized transphobia and MORE of the like below break.)
“You’re just a girl who’s fetishizing mlm guys and/or is trying to invade mlm spaces.”
That was cis gay guys on mlm media where I consumed media that was mlm and longed, wished, and wanted it to be me. They were scared of women in their spaces, scared of people testing out their identity.
“You wouldn’t medically transition, and you don’t look like a boy, so what’s the point?”
That’s the truscum, transmed, and internalized transphobia that I read into when learning about LGBT+.
“You don’t act or look like a guy. There’s not a hint of masculinity in you.”
That comes from my need to put things into a binary, into boxes. That, and my parent’s need to enforce gender roles and presentation.
“Genderfluid is the most fake of them all! You just decide what gender you are based on how you feel?”
More internalized transphobia.
“You just want to be a part of something; your other identities aren’t queer enough for you.”
Internalized transphobia, homophobia, and aphobia.
“You just want to see yourself in something that takes your woman identity away because how men see women makes you feel icky. Meanwhile, seeing a guy be vulnerable and his softness is accepted, that makes you feel like your emotions actually mean something.”
Idk what this is. I’d say it’s an enforced binary again, but also misogyny?
“No man would like you in a gay way.”
A well meaning cis gay friend who didn’t realize what he was saying til it came out of his mouth. All he meant was that monosexual gay guys wouldn’t want a non-passing genderfluid person. He apologized, but that voice still echos in my mind.
Just like all the rest of the echos I mentioned.
That’s what they are. Echos.
Do you value the opinions of those people?
For me, thats asking if I value the opinions of cis gay guys scared of trans people searching for their identity? Or people who hate trans people for existence? Or people who don’t respect non passing people’s gender? Or people who think trans people are just “confused” unless they have debilitating dysphoria and need to transition? Or an enforced binary filled and fueled with misogyny and fear of men?
Even though those things go against what my heart and mind and happiness says?
Knowing that I’m not trying to hurt mlm men, Knowing I am just taking my time finding my identity. Knowing that trans people are real and valid, even if they don’t pass, are pre-op, no-op, high dysphoria, low dysphoria, or whatever. Knowing not all men are dangerous, and that masculinity isn’t inherently something to fear, or that women are inherently the worser version of humanity. Knowing men and woman should be treated with equal high respect for their emotions, and that ‘emotional’ isn’t negative. Knowing most things don’t fit into boxes, especially binary ones. Knowing that aroacespec identities and that [partly cis, partly trans] identities are VALID parts of LGBT+ and are “queer enough”.
I also know the happiness I feel when I imagine myself passing as a man. The happiness I feel when I have the opportunity to switch out bracelets to reflect how I feel inside based off gender. The icky looming dooming feeling on occasion when people see me as a girl. How evil it feels that I can’t shift between 3 set “characters” and have people see me as the same entity, but different terms for each.
So… I can break this down, into the concept of echos. But that doesn’t stop them or silence them or quiet them. They are still loud as ever.
Hello, yes. This is my blog thing. Idk how tumblr works so bear with me.
21+ ~ minors DNI ~ some posts are NSFT
any/all pronouns (name: ???)
I am an egg. Probably genderfluid but in constant denial 👍
Blog is not about snakes. An egg tooth helps snakes (and other animals in eggs) break the inside of the egg, allowing them to escape. Though, some snakes are a little scared to come out even after that. (insert laugh track cause egg joke)
Snakes are cuties. But for me? Kitten? Puppy? Yes.
Made this so I can post about being an egg. Maybe help me realize how in denial I am?
More under “more”.
forcemasc / autoandrophilia yes please
boyhypno?
religious kink? (but where I’m the one being corrupted…)
corruption kink?
puppy/kitty yes 🐾
girl? boy? yes, as long as I’m good :3c
I USE RECLAIMED SLVRS
Asks are open! Feel free to ask questions, bully me, say dirty things, etc. I am not 100% NSFT. I can make replies and posts as well that ARENT dirty. Anonymous is an option.
Since this is more of a journal thing(?), might post other random stuff here, idk. You can’t tell me what to do.
Again, based off how I felt trying on a hoodie I bought from the men’s section for the first time. I immediately was upset, and didn’t know why.
[Image Description: Guy in hoodie standing in forest. In blue text it says, “‘Why doesn’t it fit?!’”. In brown text it says, “Maybe it’s not the hoodie.” Theres a blue heart over the man’s left side of his chest.]
hey mannn, your posts remind me so much of myself before I came out, it's like looking in a mirror. I think it's really cool to explore in a sexual sense too!
being a gay little fag is awesome, my guy. don't be afraid to experiment with your presentation, don't be afraid to use tools or ask ppl to experiment with what to call ya. you don't have to commit to anything right away, you can dip a toe in whenever you want.
if you ever wanna talk about it or ask questions abt being trans masc, lemme know!! i don't mind talking to cute boys ;)
- 🐈⬛
(Blushing being called a cute boy.)
I don’t think I have space irl to even attempt.
Huge chest. Can’t be DIY (safe or unsafe) binding. Probably can’t afford a real binder, and even if I could, getting it sent to me might be hard.
However, saying all of these things, it’s “I don’t think. Here’s why I can’t. But I haven’t tried.” I haven’t tried to save what little money I have. I haven’t gone out to find men’s clothes to wear (probably because how sad I’ve been in the past when getting clothes from the men’s section; I realize now that I was unhappy because the men’s clothes didn’t magically make me a guy, which I only thought subconsciously). I haven’t looked into getting a binder to myself (what address to use without negative consequences). I haven’t asked my irl transmasc friend-ish and his boyfriend to help me get started into trying to be transmasc, like getting a binder or guy clothes or etc.
I’ve asked an irl acquaintance, who was selling their old binder for cheap, if I could buy it. Problem was that it was wayyyyy too small. They offered to help me get another one online by advising me on the best binders I can find online. They even gave me a tape measure to help! But then I halted immediately. I got a lot of momentum energy out into efforts and want (like rolling a ball up a hill) when speaking with my transmasc online friends, one of which even offered to give me his, as he only lives a bit away from me, and he doesn’t need this one that might fit. But then I’d have to give someone online my irl location and meet up irl. Which I have half a mind to do. Only if I can get an irl queer friend to drive me.
I don’t ask friends who are LGBT+ to call me more masc things because I don’t want to be “difficult” or “complicated”. I don’t want my identity to be hard for them. I’m too much of a people pleaser. Especially since a handful are trans and don’t easily pass.
I’m not in the safest environment, but certainly not the most dangerous. So it’s complicated.
If I got my head on straight… yeah… maybe I should push myself to try to experiment at least. Limited resources and ability and etc might make it hard, but I can still try. Everything in my life feels like a heavy boulder in a valley. I rarely try to push it up, but when I do, it falls back down. My ADHD, my depression, my anxiety, my school/college stuff (I am not a minor), friendships, gender identity, identity overall, etc.
Like I said to a classmate earlier today, “Things happen”, and her response “Yeah, but it’s always happening, and always to me.” I find it funny but true.
On top of all that,
I’m only able to act as genderfluid freely among online communities (or I guess only one group of online friends). That and my imagination. But that makes me feel like it’s more like a fantasy, not something I want, or something achievable, not something real.
Then there’s the problem with my thoughts. Just telling me I’m a weird girl who’s been repressed too long and now I’m just acting out, and being weird, and trying to claim things that aren’t mine. For attention or wanting to be special or something.
When an online transmasc friend says “you can be a trans masc person if you just let yourself”, half the time my first thought is “no, you haven’t met me in real life” as if that means anything.
ANYWAY
Blah blah blah. This turned into me just talking about it, rather than talking to you.
I want to be a gay little fag. I want to be a cute boy. I want to be seen as this… I think.
Maybe I just don’t like the idea of being stuck in a realistic body in a realistic world.
Maybe I’d like to have alternating characters I can switch between, in the same way one player can have two characters in a game. I can modify either one. One might have a different name than the other. But it’s still both me.
The only good example I can think of is Animal Jam, which is embarrassing to put, but it’s the only good example. I had the cheap free version, so I only had two character slots. Each character had its own name. But both were under my username. Same player, two characters, both “me”. Same person, two physical bodies I can manically shift and transform into, still “me”. It’s even funnier seeing as how I had one wolf character that was nature-y themed (gender neutral, but more masculine) and a seal character (so I could do water games) that was fem themed (off white and pink). Like hello??? No cis explanation for that??? (unless for roleplay on Animal Jam, but even then…)
And like… just a female body, like what I have. And then the other character is “boy”(?) body (idc if it’s cisdick or tdick, just not bottom surgery; idc if it’s a cis male chest or top surgery scars).
But everyone knows, well, that’s just me. Sometimes I have the boy body, sometimes I have the girl body.
On top of that, ofc, when I feel nonbinary, I can deck out either form feels right. Feeling agender but wanna have a flat chest and dress? I’ll choose the male form. Feeling neutrois but want to have my big chest and bright makeup? I’ll choose my female form. And I can wear a skirt in my male form if I want, of course; just cause I feel like a guy, have the option of a male body, doesn’t mean I can’t wear a skirt.
Like… if that were an option, would have been done ages ago, even if I was still homophobic, I still would have known there could be no way that is wrong because how at peace I’d feel.
(I am not homophobic anymore ofc. But I used to be out of fear. But even then I’d choose this if it was an option.)
“Are you a girl?” “Are you a boy?” “Do you want to be a girl?” “Do you want to be a boy?” “Do you want a female body?” “Do you want a male body?” “Do you want a trans female body?” “Do you want a trans male body?”
I just want to not have to make one singular long lasting permanent decision on how my body looks (head hair, chest, and genital wise) that can’t be changed in an instant.
“It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world. I don't wanna be a boy. I don't wanna be a girl.” - “All Dolled Up” by The Orion Experience
“Maybe I wanna be a cryptid. Maybe I don’t wanna exist in this world.” - “Cryptid (Mothman)” by Ratwyfe
“I don't like the body you see me inside. I'd rather be a ghost. That everyone could see. A phantom and a friend whenever you need. I’m not at home here honey.” - “Ghost” by Semler
“I’ll change everything ’bout the way I look. Become a stranger to your memory of me. Bless your soul, I’m a heartbreak hero.” - “HeartBreak Hero” by Semler
“I know I wanna be called pretty. But I don't know if I want titties. I guess I could say gender non-conforming. But I've done really well conforming.”
“I am Jake and I am Foster. I am something in the middle. But I’m fine with both these names that I’ve been given.” - “IDK If I’m a Boy” by Blue Foster
“My haircut don't look right. My clothes don't fit just right. Them boy clothes are too big, and the girls' too tight.”
“Well you're so scared of everything. You shout these rules that you invent. And who are you to force me, to believe what you think Jesus meant?”
“I grew up in a disguise. The pain has made me wise.”
“Well I have chose my consequence. I have chosen my name. And I can be your daughterson. Cause they're one and the same.” - “Daughterson” by Joe Stevens
