Genuine advice for trans men who struggle with internalized misandry/feeling guilty for being a man and... you know what? All trans men in general. And if you're one of the 'cis men dni' guys, this goes double for you. Find yourself a genuinely nice and cool cis man. And I don't mean a fictional one. I don't mean a celebrity. Go out of your house and find a cool cis guy friend. I promise, they exist. You can do it.
You're not inherently better or safer than cis men because you're trans. But also you can be a good and safe man. Just like cis men can! It's all on you. You can make the world a place with more cool nice men who don't suck.
I wish feminists understood how the use of certain male coded words in a negative connotations is why men feel uncomfortable associating with feminism.
Stop blaming men's issues on the Patriarchy. I don't care if its true, its a male coded word and we see how its often used as a stand in to attack masculinity or claim men don't have issues by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about. Its sexism. Just call it sexism.
Stop blaming men's issues on toxic masculinity. In fact stop saying that phrase at all. We see how its often used as a stand in to attack masculinity by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about. The term feminists are looking for is internalized misandry.
Same for male privilege. It (and the term patriarchy) is often used to attack the necessity any men's liberation and advocacy by people who don't understand it. Hell you can't even discuss trans men's issues without people in your notes demanding you affirm you aren't claiming cis-men are oppressed.
Stop injecting the male gender into your discussion of harms:
Mansplain? You can call out condescending behavior without making it about their gender. The amount of times people can point to women who misuse this to attack any time a man speaks up or offers their viewpoint proves it's gendered framing leads some women into stereotyping men.
Manspread? You mean how public transit and societal systems fails to account for gender differences in hip arrangement? Sounds like systematic and institutional misandry. You can call out individuals for being inconsiderate without dipping into arguments built upon sexist stereotypes, there is no need for feminists to play into sexist stereotypes about men by making claims about how men do it to dominate by taking up space.
Manchild? You mean how society, from our mothers and fathers, and our brothers and sisters, to our class mates and love interests, teachers and role models, give girls more tools and leeway to figuring out how to express their emotions in a healthy way and utterly failed boys? More often being harsher to mistakes boys make in expressing their emotions then girls. Sounds like systematic and institutional misandry that leads to internalized misandry in men that keeps them from realizing their full Emotional IQ. Why are we trying to make this an attack on the male gender again?
And like, ya, most of the bigotry and stereotyping caused by these arguments is from people misunderstanding them, but also, like, there is only a certain level of bigotry and stereotyping caused by people misunderstanding your concepts or arguments before continuing to spew them becomes problematic by negligence.
The negative things holding you back from identifying as trans.
Where did you originally hear it?
(Any help appreciated.)
(Mentions of internalized transphobia and MORE of the like below break.)
“You’re just a girl who’s fetishizing mlm guys and/or is trying to invade mlm spaces.”
That was cis gay guys on mlm media where I consumed media that was mlm and longed, wished, and wanted it to be me. They were scared of women in their spaces, scared of people testing out their identity.
“You wouldn’t medically transition, and you don’t look like a boy, so what’s the point?”
That’s the truscum, transmed, and internalized transphobia that I read into when learning about LGBT+.
“You don’t act or look like a guy. There’s not a hint of masculinity in you.”
That comes from my need to put things into a binary, into boxes. That, and my parent’s need to enforce gender roles and presentation.
“Genderfluid is the most fake of them all! You just decide what gender you are based on how you feel?”
More internalized transphobia.
“You just want to be a part of something; your other identities aren’t queer enough for you.”
Internalized transphobia, homophobia, and aphobia.
“You just want to see yourself in something that takes your woman identity away because how men see women makes you feel icky. Meanwhile, seeing a guy be vulnerable and his softness is accepted, that makes you feel like your emotions actually mean something.”
Idk what this is. I’d say it’s an enforced binary again, but also misogyny?
“No man would like you in a gay way.”
A well meaning cis gay friend who didn’t realize what he was saying til it came out of his mouth. All he meant was that monosexual gay guys wouldn’t want a non-passing genderfluid person. He apologized, but that voice still echos in my mind.
Just like all the rest of the echos I mentioned.
That’s what they are. Echos.
Do you value the opinions of those people?
For me, thats asking if I value the opinions of cis gay guys scared of trans people searching for their identity? Or people who hate trans people for existence? Or people who don’t respect non passing people’s gender? Or people who think trans people are just “confused” unless they have debilitating dysphoria and need to transition? Or an enforced binary filled and fueled with misogyny and fear of men?
Even though those things go against what my heart and mind and happiness says?
Knowing that I’m not trying to hurt mlm men, Knowing I am just taking my time finding my identity. Knowing that trans people are real and valid, even if they don’t pass, are pre-op, no-op, high dysphoria, low dysphoria, or whatever. Knowing not all men are dangerous, and that masculinity isn’t inherently something to fear, or that women are inherently the worser version of humanity. Knowing men and woman should be treated with equal high respect for their emotions, and that ‘emotional’ isn’t negative. Knowing most things don’t fit into boxes, especially binary ones. Knowing that aroacespec identities and that [partly cis, partly trans] identities are VALID parts of LGBT+ and are “queer enough”.
I also know the happiness I feel when I imagine myself passing as a man. The happiness I feel when I have the opportunity to switch out bracelets to reflect how I feel inside based off gender. The icky looming dooming feeling on occasion when people see me as a girl. How evil it feels that I can’t shift between 3 set “characters” and have people see me as the same entity, but different terms for each.
So… I can break this down, into the concept of echos. But that doesn’t stop them or silence them or quiet them. They are still loud as ever.
To be honest I think internalized misandry is something we need to talk about more as someone who found it making situational depression worse.
The idea of amab hurting others by existing and treating everything as zero-sum...combined with the tendency of many so called progressives to dismiss mental health issue of anyone in a priveleged demographic as whining...
It shouldn’t be surprising that combined with stress and situational depression from having to leave the house while fire damage was repaired, I had thoughts about self harm and dissociated from my body I couldn’t answer honestly what my gender was when asked.
and so much more, because I was considered a man since birth and, despite taking a lot of time to question myself about it, still identify as one. No, this is not a "not all men" rant. Men can be absolutely shitty. Men will defend each other's atrocities all too often. I feel disgusted by being put in the same category as the scumbags I read about, the assholes I meet. I don't think I've ever had a true, solid friendship with another man. I've been raised in a way that didn't make me fulfill expectations for either side of the binary (unfortunately).
And yet. I'm forced to exist under this label even as I actively struggle against the same character flaws other men consider their "manliness".
Should I give up on calling myself a man? Should I throw away the word that has always been my identity? Will that lighten the chunk of lead that always appears in the pit of my stomach when people i respect say "don't expect men to be more than lying sacks of shit", "all men are rapists waiting for their chance"? Wouldn't that make me exactly what they expect - a fake, trying to fit in so those around me lower their guard?
I don't want this. I can't be this. In the end, I'm a man and I hate myself for it.
I'm young and just realized I'm a trans man, but I'm scared...I feel like inherently evil and that I may be a danger to cis or trans women, or that any of my experiences while being perceived as a woman won't really count anymore because I'm a man now so I shouldn't speak on them
