I mean… maybe like… a soft boy… or a femboy … or a Midwest emo boy…
But like… not a boy-boy, ya know? Not a guy.
Definitely not a man, absolutely not.
… so… definitely not a trans guy.
I don’t want… brown fluffy short hair that I can run my hand through, cause it’d look bad on me. Or for skirts and hoodies to look right on me, cause they don’t right now. I don’t want to touch the soft invisible blond mustache on my upper lip. I don’t want trans guys telling me the small amount of thinly spread hair on my tummy is cute. I don’t want my eyeliner to look like a boy as opposed to a girl for no explainable reason.
I don’t have a lick of masculinity in me. In my bones. In my eyes. In my face. In my voice. In my speech. In my actions. In my personality.
I just… don’t think I’d make for a very convincing boy.
Idk what I’m doing. Need more SFT forcemasc stuff. Is this forcemasc? Idk.
I constantly see guys at night riding on skateboards, and I just… die a little inside.
I was trying to make the background text hard-ish to read, but the foreground text is hard to see too. I tried a little.
[image description: Man skateboarding down a path. Text “Why do you look at them like that?” “You never cared to be exceptionally ‘cool’.” “You never wanted to ride a skateboard.” “So why do you look at him and get so UPSET?” Faded text in the background says “you want to be him” over and over.]
The negative things holding you back from identifying as trans.
Where did you originally hear it?
(Any help appreciated.)
(Mentions of internalized transphobia and MORE of the like below break.)
“You’re just a girl who’s fetishizing mlm guys and/or is trying to invade mlm spaces.”
That was cis gay guys on mlm media where I consumed media that was mlm and longed, wished, and wanted it to be me. They were scared of women in their spaces, scared of people testing out their identity.
“You wouldn’t medically transition, and you don’t look like a boy, so what’s the point?”
That’s the truscum, transmed, and internalized transphobia that I read into when learning about LGBT+.
“You don’t act or look like a guy. There’s not a hint of masculinity in you.”
That comes from my need to put things into a binary, into boxes. That, and my parent’s need to enforce gender roles and presentation.
“Genderfluid is the most fake of them all! You just decide what gender you are based on how you feel?”
More internalized transphobia.
“You just want to be a part of something; your other identities aren’t queer enough for you.”
Internalized transphobia, homophobia, and aphobia.
“You just want to see yourself in something that takes your woman identity away because how men see women makes you feel icky. Meanwhile, seeing a guy be vulnerable and his softness is accepted, that makes you feel like your emotions actually mean something.”
Idk what this is. I’d say it’s an enforced binary again, but also misogyny?
“No man would like you in a gay way.”
A well meaning cis gay friend who didn’t realize what he was saying til it came out of his mouth. All he meant was that monosexual gay guys wouldn’t want a non-passing genderfluid person. He apologized, but that voice still echos in my mind.
Just like all the rest of the echos I mentioned.
That’s what they are. Echos.
Do you value the opinions of those people?
For me, thats asking if I value the opinions of cis gay guys scared of trans people searching for their identity? Or people who hate trans people for existence? Or people who don’t respect non passing people’s gender? Or people who think trans people are just “confused” unless they have debilitating dysphoria and need to transition? Or an enforced binary filled and fueled with misogyny and fear of men?
Even though those things go against what my heart and mind and happiness says?
Knowing that I’m not trying to hurt mlm men, Knowing I am just taking my time finding my identity. Knowing that trans people are real and valid, even if they don’t pass, are pre-op, no-op, high dysphoria, low dysphoria, or whatever. Knowing not all men are dangerous, and that masculinity isn’t inherently something to fear, or that women are inherently the worser version of humanity. Knowing men and woman should be treated with equal high respect for their emotions, and that ‘emotional’ isn’t negative. Knowing most things don’t fit into boxes, especially binary ones. Knowing that aroacespec identities and that [partly cis, partly trans] identities are VALID parts of LGBT+ and are “queer enough”.
I also know the happiness I feel when I imagine myself passing as a man. The happiness I feel when I have the opportunity to switch out bracelets to reflect how I feel inside based off gender. The icky looming dooming feeling on occasion when people see me as a girl. How evil it feels that I can’t shift between 3 set “characters” and have people see me as the same entity, but different terms for each.
So… I can break this down, into the concept of echos. But that doesn’t stop them or silence them or quiet them. They are still loud as ever.
Again, based off how I felt trying on a hoodie I bought from the men’s section for the first time. I immediately was upset, and didn’t know why.
[Image Description: Guy in hoodie standing in forest. In blue text it says, “‘Why doesn’t it fit?!’”. In brown text it says, “Maybe it’s not the hoodie.” Theres a blue heart over the man’s left side of his chest.]
Have you considered u might be into forcemasc/forcefem? You have this fixation with being an egg/“in denial”/etc, I just think that may be something you’d be interested in if you aren’t already aware that it’s an actual thing
Yes!
It only seems I have a “fixation” on being an egg and in denial because, well, that’s the point of this account. Hence the name “eggtooth”, which is explained in my pinned post. Idk why I feel like this. Don’t know if it’s a gender thing, or something else. It probably is a gender thing, I’m just having a hard time due to internalized transphobia. Probably. Idk.
But this account is to 1) write about my feeling reguarding gender/trans-ness/autoandrophilia/forcemasc, and 2) maybe make posts that people who like autoandrophilia and forcemasc might like.
I have been making posts that are tagged as forcemasc and autoandrophilia, as I found those two terms on accident multiple months ago. I asked Google why I wished I was a gay guy despite being a girl, and it talked about being trans, autoandrophilia, and forcemasc. It’s certainly not a fixation on mlm people in general, but being myself as someone in an mlm relationship, which is not normal for cishet girls. It’s not being “weird” about transmascs in general, but about me being transmasc.
Liking autoandrophilia and forcemasc is not the only reason I think I am genderfluid. It’s just the easiest concept to hold onto at this second for me. I have had many moments in the past where I realize could have been me trying to tell myself I am trans (genderfluid) but didn’t have the language for it yet at the time. Then those memories grow silent on the timeline around the time I was petrified in fear of going against my parents, who are homophobic. Then the memories start up again afterwords, but they have a strange fearful (guilty/shameful?) tint. Hence why I think it’s just internalized transphobia. Or maybe not, idk.
Onto forcemasc/forcefem itself…
I love it so much. At least forcemasc, since that’s the only one I know much about / have explored. However, since I am not masculine at all, I have considered myself more of a forcemasc in a forcefem way.
forcefem -> become girl
forcemasc -> become boy
whatever I’m into -> become soft gay boy (maybe sometimes femboy, but more so “soft boy”)
Not sure how I feel about 100%-cis girls being into forcemasc and autoandrophilia, but they do what they do as long as it’s not hurting anyone ofc. I’m not gonna tell them they can’t be cis girls. But like… if it’s not just for the bedroom, and does hang over you like a cloud outside of the bedroom, I feel like something queer might be happening to your gender.
Anyway,
Thank you anon for trying to help me by informing me! If I hadn’t known, this would be very helpful. You are 100% correct, I am into forcemasc. (this sounds sarcastic, but it’s not supposed to be; I am thankful for you trying to help)
