WORD’S HURT: Are we crushing our children with our correction?
We've all heard the saying, "sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". That's what we said as kids when we wanted to appear tough on the playground after someone said something mean to us. But truthfully words do hurt. Studies show that one of the reasons many marriages fall apart is due to verbal abuse. Many friendships are stalled over harmful conversations. Right now, the world we live in is being divided by those who suffer from a lack of emotional intelligence on social media. Words do hurt. And this is why I believe that if we are not careful, we could actually crush our children while we are attempting to correct them.
Don't get me wrong correction is necessary. There will be times when our children need to be held accountable for their challenging behavior. I mean we simply cannot allow misbehavior to go unchecked. Yet, how we correct our children is vitally important. Specifically, the words we use when we are correcting them.
Studies show that just like physical trauma, children can also experience emotional trauma from negative words they hear about themselves. For instance, children who are called dumb, stupid, no good, or just flat out bad have a tendency to internalize the words they hear and carry them throughout their lives. Now I know as some of you are reading this you are saying to yourself, "I was called everything but a child of God when I was growing up and I turned out alright". That's great but everyone doesn't respond the same way when it comes to emotional trauma. I read in an article that "toxic stress coming from verbal abuse damages the function and structure of a kid's brain". Now, I'm not a medical or psychological expert on adverse childhood experiences but I've seen how words can hurt children in both my personal and professional life.
How do we keep from wounding our children while trying to correct them? I believe Ephesians 4:29 offers wisdom for how to use our words when trying to redirect a child's behavior. The verse says,
"don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."
The verse begins by making foul and abusive language off limits due its inability to develop people. An example of this is using curse words in your conversation or hurtful phrases that target the child more than the behavior. For instance, phrases like “you will always be a bad kid” or “you are going to end up just like so and so” produces more harm than good. This form of correction actually deposits a negative self-image in the child making it difficult at best to overcome the unhealthy thoughts created by our words. Instead, the verse calls parents and teachers to speak in a way that will build a child up in moments of correction rather than tearing them down. This means teachers benefit children when they choose not to use the words "you are being bad today" or “why are you so bad” when addressing challenging behavior. Instead, try using words like "you seem to be upset" or "are you ok". Positive phrases open the door for dialogue in hopes to redirect the child to the expected behavior. Parents benefit their children by removing the phrases like “you are going to be just like so and so” which only targets the child rather than the behavior. Instead, try using the mistakes made by the other person as a way to help the child determine how to make better choices. This keeps the child from always connecting themselves to the mistakes of other people.
Listen, I’m sure there are tons of other ways to redirect challenging behavior rather than crushing children with our words. Do you have any suggestions that would help parents and teachers? I would love to hear about them. Well, until next time, this is all I have to say about it. Have a blessed day.
