Weird question. How do you get good at topping and domming?
Okay, so, this ask. I’ve been sorting out my thoughts on this one for a while, because (probably no big secret) I personally spent a lot of my time when I first got into the Scene panicking that I wasn’t Domly Enough, and this was Not Useful to anyone, really.
So part of me just wants to pat you and tell you it’s fine, because it’s fine.
If the person you’re topping likes you and wants to Do The Kink with you, they will probably enjoy the kink with you, even if your Intimidation score is far from maxed.
If they only seem to care about how high your Intimidation score is, they might be a jerk, or they might be more interested in the kink than the you which isn’t necessarily terrible but probably means you should both be playing with some other human.
First of all: what are you looking to get better at?
If it’s “how do I swing this object and hit a butt and not a hip bone,” then there are a lot of manuals out there and pre-covid there were a lot of classes out there. Which have probably morphed into a lot of webinars. You may want to look up your local kink scene and involve yourself just for the classes (assuming here you don’t want to do the social bits, but it’s fine if you do. Don’t assume any kink scene will be devoid of drama, and do whatever you’re comfortable with from there, would be my rule of thumb.)
If you’re looking to practice technique on your own, beat up your pillows! They’re fluffy and you can see where exactly you hit and they’re pillows so they won’t complain. :-)
If it’s “how do I project a demeanor,” that’s often difficult for a lot of people, particularly woman-aligned people. Many Years Ago I went to a class on femdom taught by Fetish Diva Midori, and that’s one of the first things she mentioned--there’s a cultural trope/Thingy about what “a dominatrix” is, and while many of us who are interested in topping may vibe with or want to emulate some bits of it, it’s REALLY common for toppy womanish things to not relate to other bits of it or even be very put off by some of them. (I remember personally feeling pressured to present less masc, because that image is very Danger Femme, and eventually just feeling really burnt out. I also don’t like the strong humiliation stuff... embarrassing a partner who I know is going to be turned on is hot to me because EE THEY’RE BLUSHING AND ALSO HORNY, LOOK WHAT I DID! but actually belittling someone just, ew no. Acting like I’m not into it, also ew no. Why would I be doing it if it wasn’t a turn on for me?!)
What I remember from that class is: What makes you feel powerful? What things do you see, whether in media or stories or whatever, that strike you as Sexy and Powerful? There are a lot of archetypes you can look at and draw from. In the class, Midori changed outfits, from a sexy latex dress to an army uniform type thing to a Professor/Teacher type thing. And the different people in the class had different reactions. I remember one person who hadn’t really said much about the other outfits giving this little “oh!” gasp at the teacher one.
So... we respond to different things, and different things make us feel powerful. I remember feeling a lot more confident in general once I’d started RPing TFP Megatron online, whether or not I was doing smut--it’s a powerful character that I really liked, masculine so I didn’t feel uncomfortable, etc. And whether or not I was actually pretending to be Megs when I was with my GF (usually not), some of what I’d done to develop that persona helped me to feel more on point when we were doing the kinky stuff.
So... think about yours. What’s fun for you? What powerful characters do you like? What things might you incorporate from that, even if you’re not role-playing them? Are there things they might say or ways they might say them that are sexy or make you feel sexy? Etc.
Some people may not Get It, esp. if they’re expecting that Dominatrix archetype, but... someone will, and whoever that is, that’s the person you’re gonna have the most fun with.
