Broken Lines, Shattered Souls
Chapter 3 of 4
Holy wow this chapter took way too long to finish but I finally managed it
Wordcount: 7323 Pairing: Eventual LAMP
Warnings for this chapter: Depression, self-isolation, harsh/unloving parents, Logan generally making himself miserable by not facing his feelings. Decidedly angst/hurt-comfort type plot stuff.
The summer after they all graduate passes around Logan in a near-detrimental frenzy of last-minute celebrations that repeatedly pull him away from his pile of lists and spreadsheets to keep track of all the things they’ll need for the imminent move to a new location in the fall. Anticipation pulls Logan deeper and deeper into the desperate organizing of every minute detail, even as Patton and Roman both insist on dragging him off on various “adventures” during their absurdly dubbed “Summer of Freedom.” He rolls his eyes at their antics most days, and allows himself to be dragged away from his work for a bit, but inevitably when they all return to their respective homes, Logan sits before his desk and returns to the task of organizing his meticulous notes into the pristine plans he knows he’s capable of. And yet, while there may be a thousand different things that need to be squared away before he can be ready to leave in the fall, Logan can’t help but feel that things are even better than he ever could have imagined them being. Every time he had imagined college as a child, it had been him heading off into his future alone. Now, however, he finds himself relaxing into an indescribably perfect future; with Patton and Roman at his side, he’s certain his college years will be the best of his life so far, and his mouth is practically watering at the thought of getting to do research in so warm and encouraging an environment as they provide. After all, though he feigns annoyance every time the two invade his room and demand his attention, the smile that tugs at the corners of his lips betrays his true feelings, and before he knows it, they’re all crowded on a bench somewhere, enjoying the burst of cold ice cream on their tongues. When it comes down to it, he almost doesn’t notice the passage of time as the days tick down, and then it’s finally -finally- September 18th, and it’s Move-In Day, and his things are packed, and everything is only going to get better from here.
On this all-important morning, Logan wakes up painfully early, alarm blaring next to his ear. Patton and Roman both groan from their own places next to Logan, all of them curled in a messy nest of blankets on his bedroom floor. The other two boys are slower to wake, allowing Logan an opportunity to observe them with amusement, as they move around each other so easily, even half-asleep. By the time they go to sleep tonight, they’ll all be sharing the small space of a dorm room, and every ounce of concern at the logistics (three people living in such a small space could easily be recipe for disaster) fades away as Logan’s faced with the blatant reminder of how well they know each other by now. It will be a definite change, living together. They’ll be so far away from their parents and everything they’ve known for the past eighteen years, but he’s certain that not one of them feels anything but deep excitement for all the experiences this new adventure will bring.
Breakfast happens together, Patton’s mother slipping pancakes in front of them, adorned with bacon smiles and blueberry eyes, and Logan rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t miss the way the sight makes the grins on the others’ faces grow even brighter. Then they’re all dragging tired bodies out to the waiting cars, packed full of all the most important parts of their lives. Logan waits as Roman pulls Patton into a final hug, before following him over to Logan’s car. Much as his sleep schedule isn’t as horrific as it was six months ago, Roman still has trouble getting enough sleep and this early morning start is clearly leaving him exhausted. Logan waits patiently as Roman settles himself into the passenger seat, before finally starting the car.
Belatedly he waves at Patton, who’s climbing into his dad’s car with his parents, then he pulls away and begins the three-hour drive. They’ll be meeting back up once they’ve arrived at their destination, after all.
Logan had been so jittery when he first brought up the idea of them all going to the same college, so many months ago, but the responses from his companions had been more than satisfactory, and the conviction he felt at the notion had only grown stronger as the year progressed. In the end, every argument he had prepared had been entirely unnecessary, and he found himself with a strange sense of elation as Roman finally woke up enough to connect his phone to the car’s stereo, and fill the empty space with the surprisingly familiar sound of a musical soundtrack.
It really was strange, how much Logan’s world had changed in just a few short years.
The response letters had brought with them a flurry of excitement, and Logan had gained some fond memories of the three of them, crowded around the table, discussing their options. Finally, they had settled on a decision that seemed like it would work for all of them, with solid science programs for Logan, and an impressive drama department for Roman. Patton had studied his own notes and agreed, though Logan was entirely unsure whether he was still looking at psychology programs, or if something else had caught his attention. They had each sent in their own confirmation, and from that moment it was like they all knew exactly what they wanted their future at college to entail. They’d barely even talked about it, prior to the moment they’d gotten the chance to sign up for roommates. At that point, it had just felt like the inevitable conclusion.
It was mostly unintentional accident that left both Roman and Logan without parents to accompany them on the day of move-in, but at least in Logan’s case, it was for the best. Roman’s mother had been genuinely upset when she couldn’t get out of the work demands that were keeping her away from such a big day, but she had plans to come up and visit them next weekend and Roman seemed to not be too upset about it, so Logan figured it would be fine. Logan’s parents on the other hand? Well, they tried their best to be supportive, but they were still making offhanded comments about Ivy League schools, and Logan was relieved that they had been too busy to accompany them today. Having two corporate lawyers for parents doesn’t make for a particularly understanding home environment, and he certainly hadn’t missed their complete failure to acknowledge his friends.
“Can we stop for Starbucks?” Roman asks, in a lull between two songs. Logan glances in the direction of his boyfriend, whose face is adorned with an amusing pout, and Logan smiles as he moves back to the left lane.
“Where’s the closest one?” Logan asks, allowing Roman to guide him off the highway and through a few streets. The drive-through line is short and before long, Logan has a pleasantly warm cup of tea in the cup holder, and Roman is cradling his own latte and muttering about the wonders of caffeine.
Yes, Roman and Logan were both making this first journey into adulthood without parents at their side, but they really weren’t alone in the least. After all, they not only had each other, but they also had Patton and his parents, and maybe Roman’s own mother isn’t right there with them but her support is still present in the way she had promised to send them all care packages and to visit when she can. They’ll all live together in their probably-slightly-cramped dorm space, and they’ll be the best of companions. Logan can’t wait.
Luckily, he doesn’t really have to. Beside him, Roman is finally regaining his energy, and promptly begins singly along with his music as enthusiastically as ever, so the car ride passes easily enough. Before Logan knows it, they’ve reached the right exit, and are driving their way through their new town, and arriving at the school that will now be their home. Soon enough, he’s following the signs and pulling into the parking space the help crew signals them to. Logan puts the vehicle in park, double-checks his parking brake, and with a sigh of relief, he follows Roman’s lead and clambers out of his cramped car.
They’re finally here.
Roman takes the lead now, and Logan follows him over to check-in, where they receive their keys and hear all the most pressing news about their new place of residence. Roman lets out an exuberant laugh when someone asks if they’re registered to vote. He explains to the friendly girl that Logan made them all register as soon as they turned 18, and before long they’re through the line-up, and fully ready to go find their new dorm.
Moving all their stuff into the dorm takes plenty of time by itself, and when they finish, Logan frowns at the realization that now he needs to organize it all. Patton decides he wanted a bunked bed, to no one’s surprise, so Roman goes off with him to get the parts, and Logan takes the quieter moment to start moving his school supplies neatly into his desk. Patton’s parents are perched on one bed, a little ways away from him, conversing quietly. He’s not sure what to do with their presence, and honestly kind of wishes they would leave already, but Patton seems to be overjoyed to have them here, so Logan keeps those thoughts to himself. He says nothing as they help move furniture, he says nothing when they drag all three of them out to dinner when their stomachs start to growl, and if Logan feels strangely warm and fuzzy inside when they offer each of them in turn a hug and wish them luck, well, Logan says nothing about that either.
Then they’re finally alone in this new home of theirs, and Logan turns his attention back to the arduous task of getting all of his things carefully organized and put away, listening to the excited rambling of his two now-roommates, as they discuss all the things they’re excited to do in this next year.
The fact that college classes are a lot more work doesn’t surprise Logan. In fact, college being more difficult than high school is something that Logan had been counting on. Within the first week, Logan is diving into his textbooks; highlighting passages and typing out notes with painstaking care. He maps out his class times, and then he blocks out study time for each individual class. Five-minute breaks and carefully timed meals keep Logan’s brain steady as he balances his time across all his fields of study. The whiteboard beside his desk becomes filled with schedule planning and homework reminders. Beside it, sticky notes begin to accrue as Logan looks forward to choosing his potential major.
Logan’s dorm becomes a base of operations- he always returns there, but he finds that he prefers to spend his daytime sequestered away in a corner of the library, where distractions are minimal. In the evenings, when Logan finally returns home, he is typically exhausted and collapses into his bed well before either of his roommates return. In the mornings, he awakens before them and begins his routine anew, in calculated silence, so that he does not wake them.
They do not mind his absence, he is sure. They’re always out in the evenings, probably busy with their own clubs and activities, and when they return in the evenings, Logan occasionally finds himself stirring at the sound of their soft voices, concluding some vague conversation as they return to their shared dorm, late in the evening. No, Logan cannot imagine that they might be bothered at all by his absence.
Then everything begins to fall apart.
“You’re breaking up with me?” Logan asks, struggling to keep his voice even. He’s determined not to betray the shock he’s feeling, as Roman looks at him with something that looks unpleasantly like pity as it punches through Logan’s chest and settles into the pit of his stomach.
“Look, Lo,” Roman says, shifting nervously before Logan. “You know I still love you. It’s just- well, we never seem to have time for each other anymore. You’re so busy with school, and I’ve got the drama department, and. I don’t know. Maybe we can try this thing again after we’ve graduated or something, but for now, I just think it’s for the best.”
Logan does not answer immediately. Roman’s analysis, after all, is laced with logic, and Logan thinks the evidence through. Fact one: they’ve been here at school for nearly six weeks now. Fact two: in all that time, the longest conversation they’ve had with each other lasted perhaps ten minutes. Fact three: Roman is probably realizing that there are many other prospective romantic partners out there, and he wants to explore his options before settling for Logan. Conclusion: Roman’s decision makes logical sense. Additional Information? Even if it didn’t, Roman has no obligation to continue a relationship for anyone else’s benefit.
“Alright,” Logan says, forcing his voice to remain impassive. “I understand. And I wish you luck in what future endeavors you seek to have. I trust that our breaking up will not negatively affect our living situation?”
“God, Lo, of course not!” Roman says, pulling Logan into a hug that leaves his arms flailing softly for a moment before they fall back to his sides. “We’re still friends. We’ll always be the best of friends, just like we are with Patton! Nothing can change that.”
Like with Patton. Logan wonders briefly, if that is the prospect that Roman is leaving him for. Of course, Patton still has his soulmark, but maybe that situation had changed in the last month? Logan would like to think that he would have mentioned it, but maybe he had instead chosen to go to someone who was better with emotions than himself. Roman was the one to find the answer to his dilemma, after all. And if something had happened, and Patton had gone to Roman about it, then it would stand to reason that they had grown that much closer, and-
And none of this mattered or helped Logan in any way. He had studying to do. So, with a deep breath that definitely doesn’t leave him shuddering, Logan gathers his things, and flees their dorm to the relative safety of the library. There is a study desk and some astronomy texts waiting for his attention, after all.
As the month of November drifts by, Logan has decided that college is a lonely affair. The trip home for Thanksgiving turns out to be reasonably pleasant- Logan’s extended family comes for dinner, as they do every year, and he’s rather surprised to discover himself enjoying the socialization that it all entails this year. College provides an easy enough topic for his family members to inquire about, and it certainly provokes the kind of conversation that Logan finds compelling and worthwhile. He drifts from topic to topic with relative ease, and for a brief moment, Logan manages to forget about all his schoolwork, and the loss of Roman’s affections. It certainly doesn’t hurt that the food is far better than his usual college-dining-hall provisions, and by the time Logan returns to school the following Monday, he feels unusually invigorated.
Unfortunately, it only takes four days for this sense of invigoration to drain from Logan’s mind. It’s sudden absence leaves Logan with a rather disconcerting sense of despair. He feels strangely lethargic and absent, as if he’s coming down with some sort of virus. With that in mind, Logan increases his intake of fruits and green tea, hoping that more antioxidants will cut off any more symptoms from appearing. It works in the limited sense that his state doesn’t grow worse, but it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, much to Logan’s concern.
One morning, he finds himself waking so late that Patton is perched on his desk chair across the room, frantically doing some kind of homework. The horror of missing his first class of the day pushes him over the edge, and that evening he books an appointment with the campus health clinic. After all, this is despairingly unlike him, and alarm spikes at the thought that he might have unknowingly contracted some obscure illness.
“So what brings you in to see us, today?” The bright-eyed nurse asks him, voice full of a cheerfulness that reminds him of Patton.
“Somethings wrong with me.” Logan says. He sits primly on the edge of his chair, wishing desperately that he could be anywhere else.
“Would you mind giving me a list of symptoms?” Her frown tells him he has said something wrong, but he can’t find it within himself to care whether he’s annoyed her.
“Apathy, exhaustion, disinterest.” Logan lists. “Trouble sleeping, too.” A few nights ago, Logan had still been lying in bed, fully awake by the time Roman and Patton had returned to their dorm, together, and chatting under their breath about some adventure of theirs or other. Bile had climbed into his throat at the thought of them together, but he had swallowed it back down and done his best to fake being asleep and block out their voices. By the time they had both fallen asleep, Logan was still lying there, feeling painfully awake.
“And could you tell me what your typical day looks like?”
Logan stares at the ground as he lists off his daily activities. When she asks after his diet, he produces his food diary from within his backpack and watches her hands as she scans through it.
“What kind of social activities do you engage in, Logan?” The question catches him off-guard, and for a brief moment, he wonders if this woman is flirting with him. He dismisses that thought out of hand.
“I’m sorry?” He asks.
“Do you engage in any clubs? Spend any time talking to your roommate? What do you do for fun?” The questions come rapid fire and it takes Logan a moment to process his way through them all. Finally, he understands what she is asking, but he cannot for the life of him find an appropriate response.
“Well, I talk to people when we have discussions in class. And I get along fine with my roommates if that’s what you’re wondering. Our schedules mostly have us in the room at different times, so we don’t fight or anything.” He conveniently leaves out his history with either of them- that is personal, and certainly no business of this stranger, certified medical professional or not.
“Logan, have you considered that you might be feeling lonely?” The words are tentative, almost like she knows in advance that he will find them ridiculous, and it gives him pause, halts his immediate response before it leaves his tongue. The idea is of course ridiculous. Only, is it really? Science has proven that humans are social creatures, and atypical as Logan is, he is certainly still human in the ways that truly matter.
“Could you -ah- clarify your opinion for me? I’m not quite sure I follow.” Logan is far and above a creature of logic. He will not make conclusions about a viewpoint before he fully understands its logic – or lack thereof.
“You said your main symptoms are lack of motivation, as well as trouble waking up and falling asleep. There are, of course, other things that can cause such symptoms, but from your description of your typical day, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing much socialization at all, and certainly no socialization on your own terms, outside of class demands. Your symptoms all line up quite well with the most common symptoms of long-term social isolation.” Logan can feel her eyes on his face as she reaches her conclusion.
They conclude the appointment not too long after that, a routine check-up shows nothing obviously wrong and Logan is determined to do some research before he does anything more drastic. When Patton later returns from his last class of the day, he finds Logan sat as his computer reading article after article about the studies psychologists have done on social isolation. By the time Patton leaves for dinner, a couple hours later, Logan hasn’t moved.
“Logan!” Roman’s singsong voice startles Logan out of his focus halfway through a paragraph, and he glances over at his roommate, trying to ignore the biting reminder that Roman is his ex. He eyes them warily, eyes falling on the boxes Roman’s setting on his desk. Take-out boxes.
“Whatever you’re researching must be pretty interesting.” Patton says, following Roman through the door with a cautious smile. “You were so focused that you didn’t leave for dinner when you always do.”
“And Patton noticed, so he called me up and we went and got takeout!” Roman exclaims, gesticulating with his singular free hand. “You can thank us later, of course. Come, eat!”
“Thank you,” Logan says softly, standing up to accept the food. “This was very kind of you.” He accepts the fork Patton offers him, but instead of returning to the desk with his food, he finds himself standing aimlessly in the middle of the room, thinking frantically. He wants to reach out to them. He wants to turn to Patton and ask for- something. Logan doesn’t know what. Roman and Patton are always offering hugs to each other when they need comfort, but Logan has never- well, they make Logan feel strange. The words are all missing from his head and the truth is that Logan doesn’t know what it is he wants from them or anyone else. So, instead he falls back into his desk chair and slips in his earbuds once more, trying not to think about the massive chasm that’s grown between him and his only two friends in the entire world.
In the end, Logan does what he does best; he asks a teacher. His psychology professor fields his theoretical questions with a practiced ease that makes Logan wonder if she knows they’re not theoretical at all, but Logan does his best to ignore the unwanted thought. Instead, he focuses on the opinion she offers him. It is the same conclusion as his own, an inevitable solution, despite how much Logan wants to avoid it. Therapy is the kind of thing that terrifies Logan. Talking to a complete stranger; being expected to be open and honest with some random professional seems like a living nightmare to Logan, but it also seems to be his only reasonable means of fixing what’s wrong with him. Old fears come coursing back in the weeks leading up to his appointment, childish paranoia, the question of what’s wrong with him pulling his mind to the brink and destroying his ability to focus. At this point therapy seems inevitable, and Logan has no way to prepare for the damage that such a course of action might do.
The day finally comes, and Logan’s nerves are so frayed that he skips every class he has that day, and retreats to the library to avoid his friends’ questioning eyes. Hours tick by and Logan does his best not to react to the circling thoughts in his mind as the time finally comes. By the time he reaches the building, his body is weighed down, with lead in his feet and a roiling discomfort in his stomach.
Picani is actually a surprisingly chill guy. Logan had always envisioned that anyone with a PhD would be analytical and focused, like Logan, but instead his assigned therapist comes off as relaxed and easygoing, and the cartoon characters that decorate his office only serve to remind him of Patton. This makes Logan smile, even as the strange, roiling mass surges up from his stomach and stabs through his heart.
The conversations they have are odd. Logan has usually avoided the topic of emotions, as being too vague and subjective a thing to focus on, and he comes into the office fully expecting Dr. Picani to immediately start asking him unpleasant questions about how he feels, but he doesn’t. Instead, he simply asks Logan why he’s here. Logan, in turn, stumbles through an explanation of his symptoms, his visit to the health clinic, the nurse’s assessment and his own follow-up research. From there they talk about all kinds of wild subjects, and Logan finds himself ranting more often than not about his classes and the fascinating things he’s learning.
Things don’t stay that easy, though. Eventually, the discussions must turn to Logan’s discomfort with social situations, and Logan tries his best to explain how blind he feels in these situations. He explains his dislike for group gatherings, and he mentions how easy his friends seem to find these kinds of things.
“Do you resent them for making other friends?” Dr. Picani asks slowly.
“No,” Logan answers. “I am perhaps somewhat jealous of their ease of success, but I do not resent them. I want more than anything for them to be happy, it’s just-” he cuts himself off here, realizing with a sudden clarity precisely what he is so afraid of.
“It’s just what?” Logan does not want to say it. Not out loud, but Dr. Picani is looking at him, and his face is so earnest and caring and it reminds him of dear Patton, and he cannot stop himself from answering in full honesty.
“I’m afraid.” He finally says, his voice quiet and soft and good heavens, why is it wavering like that? “I… am afraid that their happiness does not include myself.”
“I see.”
“They’re my only friends, doctor.” Logan almost doesn’t recognize his voice this time. The burning has moved up from his stomach, up from his heart, into his throat, and he almost thinks he’s going to vomit, but instead it’s just words that spill out of him. “And I love them both so much. More than I ever imagined I could. Sometimes I think I care for them so much that I might explode from it all. It scares me. I don’t- I’ve never felt this way before. It is most distressing.” Picani is clearly excited at the mention of love, and Logan listens to his advice with a wary sort of interest. When the session finally ends, and Picani asks casually if he might be coming back, Logan surprises himself by agreeing.
Later, when he finds himself shifting with nervous energy in the afternoon, Logan decides to channel it into a new kind of research, and browses through the many different clubs and organizations the school has to offer.
That Friday evening finds him venturing into a small classroom, feeling very nervous and more awkward than anything, but he finds himself quickly being invited into a friendly debate about the most recent deep-space pictures. Somehow, despite his nerves, he manages to avoid making a fool of himself. And by the time the astronomy club meeting is over, he finds himself looking forward to the meeting next Friday. They’re planning on going stargazing and Logan genuinely can’t wait.
Everything begins to find balance again after that, and time helps smooth out his feelings over the break-up. Logan’s not sure everything will ever be quite so perfect again- he still feels twinges of pain whenever he sees Patton and Roman return to their room together but he’s always been pretty good at ignoring his feelings, and it just doesn’t seem to be that important, compared to the new practice of balancing his academic work with the for-fun activities that his friends from astronomy club keep inviting him on.
And then the quarter is over and he’s driving the three of them home for the break, and everything seems more perfect than it has been in months, as they talk for three hours straight, as if nothing had changed since summer. Logan doesn’t know what to think of it, as Patton drags his luggage towards his front door, waving happily back at them, and then they’re at Roman’s house and he’s saying goodbye, and Logan’s desperately trying to find the courage to say something, but before he can figure out what to say, Roman’s out the door and falling into his mother’s arms. Something twinges in Logan’s chest, and then he’s making his way to his own home and making his way quietly to his room. The house is silent; his parents are still at work, and he finds himself moving about his room with a restless energy, unsure of what to spend his time on, without classes or clubs to guide him. In the end, he digs out his old violin, and spends several hours, rubbing his fingers raw as he runs through scales that he’s half-forgotten.
The days that follow are no less than miserable. It’s almost horrific, how exhausting he finds the company of his parents, with just three months away from it. Meals are an exercise in patience, listening to his parents argue pointlessly over legal language, and the relief that floods over him when Patton sends him a text about getting together on the day after Christmas is overwhelming.
His own Christmas is as uncomfortable as ever, drenched with a sense of obligation that leads his parents haltingly through the process of giving him presents and accepting the presents he had acquired for them. The thank-yous are short and to-the-point, and then it’s barely ten am and they’re back to their usual daily schedule, Logan retreating to his room with a sense of relief.
The rest of the day passes painfully slowly, and Logan finds that he can’t wait for the next day and the much warmer atmosphere that surrounds his two friends’ family. It had been such a shock to him, back when he first visited Patton’s house at the beginning of their friendship- Logan remembers being shocked at how kind and emotive his mother had been. It had made him a tad uncomfortable at first, with the way it felt like she was always hovering and fussing over Patton and by extension, him. If he was being entirely honest, it still made him feel a bit anxious at times, but it didn’t bother him in quite the same way.
No, in recent months, he’s found the doting nature of both Patton’s and Roman’s parents to be a great comfort. It serves as a constant reminder that there’s another option, that he can still choose not to be like his parents, full as they are of that cold, self-serving sort of dignity. Perhaps Logan had admired their unyielding logical habits when he was younger, but now those harsh and unyielding positions feel more like a threat than anything, and Logan can’t help but wonder if they ever loved him at all.
After nearly a week of being immersed in the world his parents choose to inhabit, the excited hug that Patton greets him with the next day draws a gasp out of him. It feels like a first breath of oxygen after being suspended in space’s cold, unlivable vacuum. Of course, Patton, who’s always conscious of his idiosyncrasies about physical contact, pulls away with concern in his eyes and an apology already forming on his lips, but Logan can’t seem to think of the words to counter it. Instead he reaches his own arms out and pulls his friend right back into another hug, vehemently ignoring the tear that’s making its careful descent down his cheek. It’s all he can do not to shake at the unfamiliar feeling of arms wrapped tightly around his waist.
“You alright there, specs?” Roman’s voice rings out and Logan looks up to see him leaning against the wall, adorned in a ridiculous Christmas sweater that rivals the one Patton’s wearing. Of course Roman’s already here, he thinks; he’s probably been working with Patton to set everything up for hours, and with that thought, a bitter taste sparks across Logan’s tongue. But it’s hardly either of their faults that Logan’s dealing with all these feelings, and he wants desperately to fix things between them all, so instead Logan nods. Roman’s expression barely changes, but Patton’s already pulling him further into the house, bouncing on his heels with excitement. Some other feeling pulls inside of Logan, and it’s warm and strange, like his chest is vibrating in time with Patton’s obvious joy. He thinks maybe he can do this for all of two minutes, but then Patton pulls out the most horrendous Christmas sweater he’s ever seen and offers it to him.
“I got ugly sweaters for all of us!” He says grinning widely as Logan unfolds the thing. It’s practically neon green and he quickly discovers it’s decorated with a number of pom-poms in all the colors of the rainbow. It’s horribly distasteful, but Roman’s laughing at the look on his face, and the sound has Logan vibrating even faster, so he pulls it over his head with a grimace, desperate to keep the joy on their faces. His glasses get knocked off halfway through pulling it on, but before he can do anything, Roman’s hands are pulling them free of the sweater and gently slipping them into place over his ears.
“I’m glad you decided to come,” Roman whispers softly, before pulling back. Logan frowns, tries to ignore the part of his brain that wants Roman to stay that close forever, and instead does his best to focus on the implications of a comment like that.
“Was there any reason why I wouldn’t have come?”
“Well,” Roman shifts on his feet, glancing over to where Patton’s standing, looking very invested in something on his phone. “I mean it’s just- between us breaking up and then you started making other friends…” Roman trails off, shrugging as fixes his eyes on the carpet.
“I- you broke up with me, Roman, or had you forgot?” His response is colder than he’d meant it, but Roman’s words hurt. They actually pull at his heart and he didn’t mean to do this now, but he’s so tired of trying to do the right thing when he doesn’t even know what that is, and the joy at seeing them has faded into leaded exhaustion. “Honestly Roman, haven’t you learned anything? It’s not like I have anywhere better to be. You’re the ones who’re always making new friends.”
“And what of your stupid star club?” Roman counters. “You seem perfectly happy hanging out with them! You never even talk to us anymore!” And Roman’s shouting now, and Logan doesn’t know why he even tried, takes a step back, wonders if it’d just be better to go home. But he doesn’t want to go back to that coldness, and in the next instant, Patton’s between them, his hand gently resting on Roman’s shoulder while the other sits in the air in front of Logan.
Logically, he knows that Patton’s just trying to respect his boundaries, but the last week has frayed him thin, and he can’t do anything to stop or reason with the searing pain that rockets through his chest, urging the full truth of things out of him.
“The only reason,” Logan’s voice wavers and catches on the words, and he pauses to swallow and try again. “The only reason I even joined the astronomy club is because my therapist thought it would help me get over it when you guys left me.”
“When we left you?” Patton’s voice washes over him and Logan winces at the distraught overtones in its depths. “You thought we were going to leave you, Logan?”
“I- yes? You’ve both been adjusting to college so well and making all kinds of new friends. I mean, you’re constantly out and about and- well, you don’t really need me anymore.”
“Logan” Roman’s voice comes out soft and horrified. “I broke up with you because I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I thought- well I thought the only reason you hadn’t broken up with me yet was because you didn’t want to hurt me.” And, okay, that takes some processing.
“It seems we’ve all played ourselves for fools.” Logan finally says. “I thought maybe you and Patton were- well, you seemed to be enjoying each other’s company so much, and your personalities are much more compatible than-”
“Don’t say that.” Patton murmurs. “Maybe Roman and I are more social than you are, but you keep us grounded, Logan.”
“I wish-” Roman begins, then falls silent for a time, and Logan finds himself caught in both their gazes, wondering at how he’d ever thought they stopped caring about him. “Maybe it’s stupid, and maybe it’s selfish, but I wish I could date you both. I mean, we all just work so well and you’re both so pretty and-”
“Me too.” That admission comes from Patton, face drawn up into a concerned visage. “Maybe it’s horrible, but sometimes I wish- I mean I have this mark but sometimes I think it might be easier to just- forget it, and try to be happy with you guys, with what I have now.” Patton’s eyes and fingers trail across his marked wrist, hidden as it is by his sweater. “It hasn’t changed at all in months.”
“Well what of your soulmate! We can date them too, whenever we find them!” Roman’s response is clear and excited and as they both turn to look at him, their eyes are filled with the stars of a shared dream, and Logan can’t. What they’re offering – what they’re asking of him is just- so much. And Logan wants, in a way he never ever has before, but god, if he fucked this up so badly when it was just one of them?
“It won’t work.” He didn’t exactly mean to say it out loud, but then he has and there’s no taking it back. “I’m not- maybe you both could do that, could make an arrangement like that functional, but I’m not-”
“You’re not what, Logan?” When did they both take hold of his hands? What is happening? Logan feels, for a brief moment, like he is drowning, but that makes no sense, since he’s clearly surrounded by air and not water. And is that a tear running down his cheek? That doesn’t make any sense either, because the last time Logan cried-
The memory washes over him, all a mess with pain and misery. He’s run too fast and he’s tripped and skinned his knee. He’s seven years old and tears are welling in the corners of his eyes and his mother is standing over him, lecturing him.
“This is why we don’t run,” his mother says, her voice filled with daggers. “Now stop crying and go wash it off.” And then she’s gone, and Logan is stumbling to the bathroom on his own. He’s climbing into the bathtub and running cold water over the bloody mess on his knee and it hurts so bad, and then he’s searching nervously for the neosporin and band-aids. Logan is seven and he feels so alone.
“I’m not-good at love.” he admits, forcing himself back to the here and now. There are tears sliding down his face and he impatiently wipes them away. “I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t want to hurt you. And it seems fairly obvious that that’s what will happen if I remain in a relationship with either of you- I’ve already hurt Roman enough.”
“Bullshit.” Logan and Roman both freeze, staring at their friend. Patton never swears. “If you guys ended up hurt these last few months, then it’s both your faults for not talking to each other. I love you both, but you’re honestly so silly sometimes. Relationships are about talking to each other, and if you’d just done that then we’d maybe have had this all worked out months ago.”
Logan begins shaking his head, thinks back on the cold tones of his family discussions, thinks on his own emotionless way of speaking, but before he can explain, Roman is there in front of him.
“He’s right, Logan. We’re all learning here. And it seems that I’ve hurt you just as badly, if not worse.” Logan tries to shake his head, but Roman’s hand comes to rest on Logan’s chest and he stares up at him. “I just want to be clear here, Logan. I love you. So much. And I know you don’t really like to talk about your feelings, but I want you to know that we’re willing to listen if you ever want to.”
“Exactly, Lo.” Patton pipes up, wrapping a hand around Logan’s wrist. “We love you so much, and not just as a potential romantic partner. You’re both, like, the closest friends I’ve ever had, and I just want to be able to help you when you’re hurting, so please don’t hide it from us?” Logan looks between them as they both fall silent. It’s obvious that they’re waiting for a response from him, but Logan’s honestly not sure what to say.
“I’m… trying.” Logan finally manages. “It just doesn’t come easily, to talk about it all. Perhaps having a regular therapist will help to make things easier, but-”
“You don’t have to force yourself, Lo.” Roman says. “Just try to remember that we’re here for you.” Logan nods, falling silent. They don’t talk about it any further in that moment; Patton instead pulls them over to the couch and puts on some Christmas movie, but Logan doesn’t really pay much attention to it.
Instead, Logan is thinking about the way it feels to be trapped in between them on the couch. He’s thinking about the way Patton’s hands have curled around his arm, holding it gently, in a way that makes it obvious that he’ll let go the moment Logan begins to display discomfort at the contact. He’s thinking about the way that Roman’s arm has ended up thrown across the back of couch, making quiet contact with them both; offering a steady, unobtrusive reminder of his presence. And then, Logan’s thinking back on the way that they’d ended their conversations carefully on entering the room, and he’s realizing that it was never about wanting him not to hear. No, their care had always been an attempt not to disturb Logan, part of their efforts to be ever-attentive to his own needs, as absurd as it seems.
And Logan thinks about his own behavior and begins to realize how it might have seemed to them. Because he had never written them into his schedules, had he? Logan had gotten so used to their casual disruption of his careful planning, that he had just assumed that they’d pull him away from his studies when they wanted to. But of course, then he’d started spending all his time in the library, and it’s not like he really bothered telling them where he was, so even if they’d meant to, how could they have come to get him? And it’s even more foolish, Logan realizes, because the stars know Logan’s well aware of their own insecurities, and they really have mucked this whole thing up, haven’t they?
“If we want to do this,” Logan begins, relieved when neither Roman nor Patton chastise him for interrupting the movie. “We’ll need to write up a schedule to make sure we spend an adequate amount of time together each week. In reviewing things, I believe that’s where most of our difficulties have spawned from in the last quarter.” Patton and Roman both turn to look at him, then, and the universe may be filled with an infinite number of vast wonders and sights beyond imagining, but Logan doesn’t think he’ll ever see anything as beautiful as the answering smiles that spread across his boys faces.
