The hill on which I will fight Ron Howard to the death on
(Spoilers for Angels and Demons and The Da Vinci Code ahead) Allow me to take a moment of your time to rant about the nonsensical-ness of Ron Howard's Robert Langdon movie trilogy. But first, let us pray:
God bless Ewan Macgregor ripping off his sexy priest collar to brand his sexy self with a sexy illuminatus fire poker. Ron Howard, WHY did you wait and make The Da Vinci Code first? Amen.
I. Logic
Dude. Dan Brown wrote and released Angels and Demons first. Why did you start with making the Da Vinci Code movie? If it was because the second book was more controversial (granted, it's a huge thing to write a book based on the idea that Jesus Christ had a child), but COME ON. Angels and Demons wrote about a pope being pro artificial insemination! The pope supported it bc he was in such a loving relationship with a nun that they wanted a child! And couldn't, so they went with artificial insemination! WHAT.
And if it was because there was no goal to make another Robert Langdon movie, and this was supposed to be a standalone movie until yall saw how successful it was, I uh call bullshit. Bc the plot for Angels and Demons was fuckin awesome bro I will expand on this later.
II. Plot
We're expanding on it now. How could you read the first book and think "eh?" THE CARMALENGO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE DUDE. Upon finding out he was the son of the pope, he ran through the Vatican to set himself ON FIRE. The Angels and Demons movie was fun and awesome, but if you wanted a pulse-ripping cinematic experience, you should've been more loyal to the book bro. The book had Ewan Macgregor and Tom Hanks jump out of a helicopter (where was this in the movie Ron?). The book had Ewan Macgregor have a David Copperfield-type reveal where spotlights revealed him standing above a crowd with his hands raised up, making him appear to have fucking teleported before the very eyes of the media (where was this in the movie RON?). The book had Tom Hanks fly through the air on a magical carpet ride only to land exhausted in a hospital (WHERE WAS THIS IN THE MOVIE RON?). The book had so, so much dude, it was destined for the screen. This could've been an easy win for starting a sensical Robert Langdon movie series.
III. Down the Road Issues
Why were only books 1, 2, and 4 adapted? Aren't there like, 5 books in the series? Idk why The Lost Symbol was skipped, but I'm reading it now to see if I can see why. Bc that's just a weird thing bro. I kinda see why Origin wasn't adapted, because Inferno kinda sucked with the critics, but TOO LATE RON. If you're gonna make an adapted film series, you gotta commit it to win it. You're supposed to take my hand and pull me through all Robert Landon chronicles to the end of the story. End of story. Give Tom Hanks an underappreciated, COMPLETE movie series that will only become more beloved in time. It is inevitable, bc they're just too gosh darn fun.
IV. Thank you, Ron
That being said, the movies are fun, and I'm glad they were adapted by a director as fun and unpretentious as you. Thank you Ron Howard for spreading the hot priest wealth across the two movies, with Alfred Molina and Ewan Macgregor. You're a genius and a gem.
