#exbfs

[ghostsofmyown]

~ oh how I should've known (21:56, 09//25//19)

[ghostsofmyown]

Can’t be undone.

~ forget it (12//30//18 21:21)

[iamnotjelly]

s

So, I had deleted my Twitter account and temporarily disabled my Instagram account on my first day of 2017 and opened back my Instagram account on uni’s 15th birthday. I didn’t make a new Twitter account yet and I didn’t even think of doing so either. 

One thing about opening back my Instagram account, I block-unblocked him, so it is official,right? Forgetting each other and moving on. It actually feels great but it aches me looking at other happy people falling foolishly in love. It is ridiculous. And more upsetting, someone would just don’t really love each other but still together because they are afraid of being alone and single. I get it, I have been there, still adapting myself, my new fresh broken self to realization that life could be more better. Just be positive. Let’s just think that what actually had happened to you could lead you to a better opportunity. See world differently. Be carefree. Don’t tie yourself down, it is depressing. But, I am still trying to fix myself. 

[againjack]

... repetitions

Thursday night I met Bear near his place and we had Greek for dinner. He lives such an old man/bachelor lifestyle that there wasn’t much to do at his place other than snuggle and watch tv. So we did and we putzed on our tablets together, chatting and being cute. I love teasing him being an “old man” because we go to bed before 10, he likes to eat around 5, and we get up between 6-8 depending on week day or end. 

I had told him that I had a few Amazon wish lists. Turns out some of the home improvement tools I want he has. He showed off one, which was fun. He has already been developing a list of things he thinks I need - like chrome cast. I rolled my eyes at it because I looked into it and wasn’t sure I would use it. But he has a list a mile long between his observations (how sweet that he pays attention and makes note) and my wish lists. Whereas I haven’t found jack he needs/wants, which makes me unhappy as I love finding just the right thing to make someone happy and feel special/spoiled. 

He has stopped the need to cling to me like a barnacle through the night, as well as is slowly adapting to my snoring and other sleep mannerisms. 

He really loves showering together, and washing my hair. He does a crap job of it though. lol 

He has some experiences with professionals that has me intrigued. I appreciate how open and honest he is about it. I enjoy learning about a facet of the population and industry I didn’t know much about. 

He was jealous that it took me minimal time to get home to work from there. 

We have gotten into a sort of rut, though I’m not complaining. We had plans to meet for dinner Saturday night, he agreed to one of my favorite Italian places - after balking at Italian for a while due to it being carborific. I was at home, waiting for him, when he texted to let me know he was at the restaurant. Oops. So he came to my place while I cleaned up after having done yard work. 

Dinner was lovely. We are getting closer to his arbitrary line in the sand regarding “cheap” date. :P We are escalating in interesting ways, such as making adjustments in our intimacy - I am once again on birth control. He is much more concerned about my comfort and concerns of health complications than Jamaica was. We haven’t cross the need for the pill yet, but I suspect it won’t be much longer. I am not used to a guy complaining I am -too- tight. lol 

Bear still isn’t ready to say we are monogamous, but he admitted that we are in a relationship and we do boy/girlfriend type things. That he wouldn’t be at a place like the Italian restaurant with someone who wasn’t his girlfriend. It is so odd how he wants and acts like we are a couple yet doesn’t want to call it that. 

We have a disagreement as to our “anniversary.” He thinks it was when our conversations started whereas I feel it from our first date. He agrees with me that one month doesn’t deserve bells and whistles, but if we make it to a year it most certainly will. His longest relationship (before me) didn’t make it quite to six months.

He still goes to OKC and POF,which bewilders me, as he clearly isn’t having luck and clearly is hooked on me. I don’t understand it. It is just starting to get under my skin, considering he says he is happy and doesn’t want anyone else; it makes me fear about cheating like Jamaica did. 

Then he dropped the bomb on me that IF he has a job and stays in the area after his lease is up next April, he is considering buying a house and would like to “combine households.” I told him that this isn’t just a financial decision (which is how he is approaching it) to me or how it will appear to others. He understands conceptually, but I don’t think he has internalized this. Partially because of the instability in his work situation being his focus, which sorta makes sense.

I had some friends over for dinner last night, and when I told them his idea about moving in together one cracked the joke that he “knows a rabbi that can perform weddings.” The joke is because said friend is a rabbi. :P 

Unlike Bear, I have decided enough is enough, and hid my dating profiles. I only had OKC up for Bear and was very uncomfortable with it being up because I knew Jamaica used that site and has viewed me. I don’t want Jamaica to do that. 

We have some lovely plans for Bear’s bday, and tentative dinner only plans between now and then. 

[againjack]

Into the void

I’m going to call this guy “Void.” It isn’t a slam, but there is something about him that is like a black hole or camouflage.

We have been talking a lot, first one a dating app, then direct texting. But even with chatting, I feel like I know so little about him (hence the nickname.) We met for Indian food. He didn’t tease me about not handling heat like he threatened to. :P 

It was an odd conversation. But it was a conversation that mostly flowed and I was shocked when I realized how long it was. By the end of it I was seeing him with rose colored glasses, he was looking cuter than he had at the start of the date. Not quite heart thumping, but, still nice.

I did kiss him goodnight. It was just a simple peck on the lips, but considering what I’ve been through in the past year, it was a big step. Actually the first voluntary kiss I had since Jamaica dumped me last November. 

We texted pretty heavily that night after I got home, and I feel like he opened up a bit more. I love the repartee we have and how science/geeky it is. lol 

Today during lunch we had a brief text conversation, that he ended asking if I wanted kids. A bit of a loaded/heavy question after only one date! But since I’m 38 I can sorta see the validity. I answered honestly, that I constantly flip flop on that topic. He answered he does too. 

I am really curious to see where this goes and what that path will look like. 

[againjack]

Fruit Salad

Yesterday the drama with Apple and Orange continued. I was busy with work; I couldn’t indulge them. (Do they not have jobs? I can’t imagine how one keeps their jobs with so much slacking.:P) 

I ended up chatting with Apple at the end of the day as I was getting ready for a date. Turns out that all the drama was Orange realizing she actually wants to be monogamous. My initial reaction was to laugh, because of course. It was fine when she got to play, but once he found someone he cared for she couldn’t have that. 

We chatted for about a half hour. I fully expected that would be our last interaction. It was oddly hard to say good bye. I genuinely hope things improve for them and that they will be happy and be good to each other. I am not realistic about it, but that is their deal. I’m out.

It was oddly freeing. It felt good and right to be 100% single and free as I headed to my date that night.

Of course, being the sentimental sap I am, I saw a geeky gif of a couple snuggling. I mentioned him in reblogging it.He did respond in a positive manner. Then at lunch time today I got an email from him, with a link to a reddit thread. (I don’t know jack about reddit so I have no clue how to describe it.) It was public, but seemed that he attempted to still be anonymous and secretive. It was a story in fairy tale format, the story of his heart. How he fell in love with Orange, how things changed in their relationship, how he found me, and how he went back to her, leaving me a gift of a piece of his heart. I was in tears reading it. I haven’t done anything since. I did save the story to my hard drive, in case the link gets broken or the post is removed. 

I’m sad as we had a special connection. He was the answer to a wish I had to have something like what I had with my exbf Jamaica. But I’m more glad to not have someone so needy/clingy and all the related drama.

[againjack]

Reflection

This morning Apple greeted me with his typical “Good morning, Sweetie!”

We had a long, intense conversation. He kept deflecting and not answering my questions or concerns, which made me feel sour. Though in the end, it had a positive effect as it made me reflect upon my own wants and needs. 

He told me about a dream he supposedly had years ago that has stuck with him. (It came at the perfect moment to deflect the current conversation and was not relevant which is why I state ‘supposedly.’) I think he was trying to state in an oblique way that he not only wants me, but to have a kid with me and he is afraid I will leave. 

That made me pause. I have grown over time from ‘it is just what people do’ to making my own choice, for my own reasons, to not have children. Then a year and a half ago I stated to think maybe I did want them after all, especially with the security of a loving, stable relationship. But Apple (possibly) stating he wants a kid with me, but he won’t have a stable relationship with me just filled me with ‘Nope!’ 

I asked him if he was ok with a long distance thing, and he said he was other than if I needed something he wouldn’t be readily available to meet that need. Which is realistic. He then asked if I was ok with long distance. I gave an answer that was at once honest/realistic and bull shit. 

At the end of the day, it made me realize what my exbf (Jamaica) taught me: I do want a monogamous, stable, romantic relationship that lasts ups and downs and includes kids.

The fact I can’t/won’t have that with Apple, the fact that the idea of a kid with him makes me recoil, makes me think I need to end things. Now.

[sadistictittyfuck]

Thinking about guys I used to like still makes me cum (Elias, Eduardo, Anthony) but thinking about Jorge (guy I talk to almost daily who I think I like even though we haven’t hungout yet) also makes me feel some typa way…