Here’s a crack flash fic (exactly 1000 words at that) that I wrote while drunk last night. Enjoy.
ao3
~ 🔞 mildly nsfw 🔞 ~
Never Have I Ever
“Never have I ever…” Robin’s devious eyes shot towards Eddie with evil glee. “Sucked a dick.”
Eddie, of course, huffed and took a swing of his drink with a sardonic bowing gesture of his hand. Which then became a rude hand gesture—a bird for a bird, as he’d like to call it when he flipped her off—as he leaned back on his hand where he sat on the floor with both Robin and Steve. Nancy, Jonathan, and Argyle had commandeered the couch with toothy grins, finishing their odd shaped circle in Steve’s living room.
As the only other officially out member of the Older Party, especially one who was not quiet about his adventures in Indy now that he knew the rest of them were safe, no one was surprised by Eddie’s drink. Neither were they surprised when Nancy, Miss Priss Prim and Proper, did not drink.
Steve would have shared a commiseratory look with Jonathan if Jonathan and Argyle weren’t busy exchanging a shrug and tapping their cans of beer together before taking a twin swig of their own. Which, honestly, also wasn’t surprising considering the whole situation between them, Nancy, and Eden.
Though, less Nancy nowadays.
Anyways, Steve would have shared that look were it not for the aforementioned events, as well as for the fact that he was too busy taking his own swig of his drink.
“Oh, gross, dude!” Steve and Robin exclaimed at the same time as Eddie’s beer and spit sprayed over where they were pressed together on the floor, shoulders and upper arms basically fused into one, after the metalhead’s mouthful of beer shot out immediately after Steve’s drink.
“What!” Eddie’s wheezed, staring bug eyed at Steve.
Steve gave him a trademark bitchy look as he wiped off Robin as Robin wiped off him. “Say it, don't spray it, asshole,” he snarked.
While Eddie still stared at him with a gaping mouth, Nancy just shrugged. “Tommy,” she answered his question, like it was old knowledge. Which, to be fair, it was to the others. Well, the others except Argyle, who just looked at Steve, shook his thumb and pinky at him, and gave an approving nod.
“Don’t forget Eric,” Jonathan pointed out, causing Steve to snap his fingers and shoot him a finger gun motion.
“Oh yeah, your old coworker at The Hawk,” Steve laughed. “Forgot about him. I wonder what he’s up to nowadays. Maybe I should give him a call.”
“Didn’t you say he had a small penis and an even smaller personality?”
Steve frowned. “Oh yeah,” he repeated, though much more glum. “Really just a…two dimensional dude. No substance. In any aspect.”
“W-wh-wha—” Eddie continued to stammer, staring at Steve like he’d never seen him before. “Since when are you queer!”
Steve’s nose scrunched up. “I’m not queer.”
“You literally just said you sucked two dicks and thought about doing it again with one of them.”
“Three.”
Eddie blinked, looking over at Robin. “What?”
“Steve’s sucked three dicks,” she said with a roll of her eyes like he should know this already.
“Who else’s dick has he sucked?” Eddie exclaimed, though it was muffled his knuckles he was biting down on in what looked like anguish.
Jonathan raised his hand with a shrug. “We figured it’d complete the whole situation between us,” he said, indicating Steve, him, and Nancy. “I sucked his dick too.”
“And how is that not queer!”
“Sheesh, Munson, haven’t you heard about sexuality being fluid,” Robin grimaced, rubbing her ear from his shriek. “If people don’t want to label themselves as queer, you shouldn’t force it on them.”
“Yeah, dude. Way to conform to a sexuality binary,” Steve huffed.
Eddie looked fit to combust. He spun around towards Argyle and pointed an accusing finger at him. “Have you had your dick sucked by Steve?”
“Nah,” Argyle sighed. “Stevie and I unfortunately aren’t like that.”
“More’s the shame, buddy,” Steve said with a sigh and a wave of his own beer can.
“Is there a dick you won’t suck,” Eddie grumbled, before adding under his breath. “Besides mine, apparently.”
Steve blinked. Though it was obvious Eddie hadn’t intended to say it loud enough for anyone else to hear, the alcohol already in his system made it just loud enough for exactly that.
A slow smirk settled over his lips as he brought his beer up for a drink. “Never say never, Munson,” he teased with a wink over his can, causing Eddie to choke. “Your turn, Eddie.”
Eddie, still staring at Steve with wide eyes and a flushed face, audibly gulped before giving a full body shudder. “Jesus H. Christ,” he mumbled to himself, though once more it was heard by everyone. He shook himself, cleared his throat, and shot Robin a glare.
“Fine. In that case, never have I ever munched pussy,” he said back, sticking his tongue out at her, which she returned before taking a swig of her drink. She then immediately high-fived Steve with perfect coordination despite their inebriated state.
And that would have been that, except…
“Oh, come on now!” Eddie exclaimed, looking thoroughly done with life as everyone else took a swig too. And that was everyone.
Nancy just gave Eddie her own little smirking smile over the rim of her can as she took a drink. She wiped her lips with a small shrug. “Just the once. Though…” Nancy’s smirk and gaze turned towards Robin. “I’m always open to a second time.”
This time, it was Robin who flushed pink with a small squeak.
Steve grinned and leaned over to high-five Nancy next. “Hell yeah,” he said.
“Is there anyone in this group who isn’t queer?” Eddie groaned.
“Dude,” Jonathan frowned. “Steve already said he wasn’t queer.”
“Yeah, man,” Steve sighed with a roll of his eyes. He paused then, sweeping his gaze over Eddie once more. “By the way, did you want to do the dick sucking tonight, orrr…”
Eddie let out another muffled scream into his hands.
Billy always makes a point to sing that line in cherry pie that goes “in walks her daddy standing six foot four/said you ain’t gonna swing with my daughter no more” to tease steve about the time hopper caught him sneaking into billys room and chased him out of the house with his gun
Random thought I had while reading a fic. Can anyone else read smut with a straight face, but when there is fluff and cuteness, they get all giddy and smile a whole lot? No?
Ay so that motherfucker Steve made me cry last night.
Longass post under the cut
It was my first night back at fight club after about a week because I had a lot of school stuff going on. I was grumpy and exhausted but excited to finally be back doing the stuff I love. I get in there and it’s open mat night, meaning you do whatever with whoever.
My buddy Rodriguez brought a girl named Jade over. Apparently they were doing something and he didn’t have time to drop her off back home, I dunno, she was there. Rodriguez introduced us, she said she’s really shy and was planning on sitting there until it was time to go and I was like “hell naw.”
Ok not really. I actually asked her whether she wanted to learn some self defense stuff while she’s stuck here. I showed her as much stuff as I could in about 1.5 hours - basics like pay attention to your surroundings, verbally tell people to fuck off if they’re getting too close, kick them if they rush you, if the kick fails smack them in the face until they stagger and kick in the groin. Fun stuff! She did awesome I’m very proud of her.
We defended a choke from behind, one of my personal favorite defenses, next. Basically when someone throws their arm around your neck from behind and tries to choke with the forearms or elbow crease, just dig your fingers in-between the arm and the neck, pull down with the elbows, shift your hips out to the side the arm came from and then take one entire forearm and slam it into your attacker’s groin. They’ll recoil, release the choke, then you turn and kick their knee in sideways. The thing people have a hard time realizing is that you will never be able to pull someone’s arm away and that’s ok. All you need to defend the choke is the ability to breathe, which the elbow strength can do.
Anyway her and I practiced a bit, she did great, but she looked a unconvinced. She said “I’m not very strong though. I don’t think I’d be able to get their arm away.” I got super excited because that meant I got to show the cool as fuck demonstration. I run off to get Steve (who I thought wasn’t paying attention to us). The demonstration is having Steve grab me by the neck from behind and lifting me off the ground to demonstrate how effective the block is. Both my legs are off the ground, I’m holding myself up by his arm and I can still breathe. It’s effective, shock value is great and I love it.
He took it a step further and offered to do the same thing for Jade and this awesome woman agreed to it. I am so fuckin’ proud. She hasn’t touched martial anything in her life and she’s out here trying new things <3
Afterwards, her and I practice stuff like “how to fall on concrete without breaking your arm” before I go spar with Rodriguez for the rest of the night. At closing Steve did the nightly motivation speech followed by the hug line. When I hugged him, he whispered “see me after class” in my ear.
I’m like “aight.” Also, very proud of myself for no longer assuming the worst when I hear that. As soon as he finished up talking to everyone, he comes to meet me in the hall and glares at me.
“I swear if your father does anything to fuck up your martial arts career, I will personally hunt him down and beat his ass.”
That got my attention. Got lots of emotions like “!!!!I have a protective male figure that I respect in my life!!,” “awww,” “Holy fuck I haven’t heard him threaten anyone before” and “...career?”
Dude claps me on the shoulder and said “If we didn’t have a three months experience requirement I’d give you your white belts right now.”
I went :O and then immediately said “Wait why?”
He said “I saw what you did.” Normally that’s not a good thing but then he went on and on about how he was watching me be excited to help others and show what (little) I’ve learned so far. In his opinion, the four requirements for getting a white belt are a foundation in self defense (which I have), being able to handle yourself sparring/willingly and happily engage in getting hit (which I can), the basics of the specific martial art (which I don’t have yet but he said I’ll definitely have that down in three months) and a willingness to share and help others learn. He said he’s so proud of me that I’m already over the ego-boosting portion of learning this stuff, that I’m confident in myself.
This dude is so fuckin’ aggressive with his praise too. I mean he’s cussing up and down and growling like he’s trying to suppress a yell. Anyone else looking in would’ve thought he was chewing me out for dishonorably beating someone up or something. I love it. Reminds me of my mom.
Anyway he finished going on and on about it and then I went home. Somewhere in his rant I started crying because I was so touched and happy. I’m gonna get my own set of MMA gloves and commit to this.
everybody has their favs and who they wanna see together in s4 of st but...nancy/robin/el/max together and forming a girlsquad...that’s all i ask duffers that’s all i ask
