✨ a wedding disaster ✨
a chat short story by write-helluva-messy-boss
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Asmodeus: what do you mean i'm not free that weekend? what could i possibly be doing on a Saturday and Sunday?
Exim: it says here in your schedule that you have a wedding to attend
Asmodeus: a wedding???
Fizz: a wedding???
Asmodeus: fuck that shit, i ain't going to no wedding
Exim: actually, yes you are. it's for the son of your counterpart, Baal.
Asmodeus: *groaning* Baal?
Fizz: fuckin Baaaaaaallsy of this guy to have a wedding, amirite? haha, gottim. ok, but who are we talking about?
Asmodeus: *grumpily* of all demons, why is the one wedding per millenium i have to show up for need to be fuckin' Baal's?
Fizz: can't we just Baaail? haha get it——
Exim: that was terrible, and that would be unwise, considering he's the demon king of popularity and social influence. among other things. like a direct royal appointment of Lucifer Himself.
Asmodeus: ugh, i can't stand Baal. his parties are stuffy and boring. he's way too serious to even think about havin' a good time. and, he would absolutely hate my precious Fizzy 🥺🥺😭😭
Fizz: oh, i think i'm gonna baaaawl my eyes out 🤪
Exim: showing up is better than not in this scenario
Asmodeus: as much as i fuckin hate the dude... you're correct.
Fizz: wait, wait. we're going?
Fizz: to a wedding?
Fizz: a pomp and circumstance, stuffy-ass, snooze-fest wedding?!?!?!
Asmodeus: no. I'm going to a pomp and circumstance, stuffy-ass snooze——
Exim: the style of this invitation, as well as this enclosed engagement photo of the betrothed, suggests the theme of the wedding will actually be romantic.
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Fizz & Asmodeus: UUUUGGGGĞHHHHGHHGGHGGHJKH
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Asmodeus: this is terrible... 😓😓
Fizz: outrageous!!! 😤😤😤
Asmodeus: the dredgory of disgust... 🤢🤢
Fizz: the nauseation of it all!!! 🤮🤮🤮
Asmodeus: Fizzy... 😭😭😭
Fizz: boss, i fear... i fear you may not come back alive.. 🥺🥺
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Exim: there's a plus-one option.
Fizz: ohhhh, no. you are not shoving me onto that smoochy, hellhole within a hellhole bandwagon.
Exim: actually, you can just fill in whatever number of people you want.
Asmodeus: so i can what, then? taint both my beloved jester and my most esteemed dildo artist with all that icky-sticky sentimentality? i think the fuck not!
Fizz: i also think the fuck not!
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Exim: hm. it seems the reception is offering vegetarian and vegan options
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Fizz: and they're not even serving meat? boot that guy off his schmucky throne!
Asmodeus: i'm telling you, Baal can't run a party if it saved his stupid life. imma die a horrible, boring, unfucked death at that wedding.
Fizz: i misspoke earlier; this Baal guy has no balls. nix. nada. been gone.
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Exim: you're both being dramatic
Fizz: hey—— 😠
Asmodeus: Exxy 🥺🥺🥺
Exim: don't call me that. all you've demonstrated thus far is that you'd be the funniest, most cultured, best dressed person in the room at that wedding.
Asmodeus: well of course.. 😮💨
Fizz: boring! 🙄
Exim: if you're all those things, at a wedding——
Asmodeus: uh-huh 😞
Fizz: SNORE 😴
Exim: ——you outshine the whole guest-list.
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Asmodeus:
Asmodeus:
Asmodeus:
Asmodeus: wait just a minute.
Fizz: wut—
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Exim: and if you bring a plus one...
Asmodeus: yes... 👀
Exim: you get to one-up the couple.
Asmodeus: yes, more, more... I'm listening! and? and?? 👀👀👀👀
Fizz: what the fuck is going on—
Exim: if you bring a plus two (of your hoes)...
Asmodeus: oh my god, HIT ME, EXIM! 🤩🤩
Fizz: WHY ARE WE YELLING
Exim: you get to take a big, slutty, polyamorous shit on amatanormative monogamy.
Asmodeus: AND 👏THIS👏 IS WHY I HIRED YOU 👏👏👏
Fizz: WHY DID WE JUST CLIMAX, DID YOU JUST JIZZ
Exim: and this is why you pay me double to keep track of your schedule
Asmodeus: and this is why I'm about to pay you 🎵double-and-a-half🎵 😉😉😉
Fizz: UHM. HELLO???? i told stellar jokes this entire time, where's my raise
Exim: yeah, you are about to pay me that. because I'm gonna go figure out our outfits.
Asmodeus: 🎵delicious🎵 dig out your sluttiest dress, Fizzy! i am taking you two to 🎩🌹✨Prom✨🌹🎩
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Fizz: i am so dizzy rn, what just happened?
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