#existentialist crisis

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read. Fought against it for a minute. Then looked out the window at the rain. And gave over. Put myself entirely in the keep of this rainy morning. Would I live my life over again? Make the same unforgiveable mistakes? Yes, given half a chance. Yes.

Raymond Carver

[fuck-yeah-existentialism]

"Us humans are always close to destruction. Life itself is but a series of close calls. I mean, how would you know you were alive unless you knew you could die?"

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Diary Of Jewish Teenager Killed By The Nazis To Be Published After 70 Years In A Vault

Renia Spiegel's boyfriend made sure her diary was kept safe during the war, but her family couldn't bear to read it. Now it's finally being published.

“Wherever I look, there is bloodshed. Such terrible pogroms. There is killing, murdering. God Almighty, for the umpteenth time I humble myself in front of you, help us, save us! Lord God, let us live, I beg You, I want to live! I’ve experienced so little of life. I don’t want to die. I’m scared of death. It’s all so stupid, so petty, so unimportant, so small. Today I’m worried about being ugly; tomorrow I might stop thinking forever.” June 7, 1942

Many of us are familiar with Anne Frank. I was not familiar with Renia Spiegel until recently. Her diary is on my wishlist, and will be one of the things I add shortly after the library shelves are completed. Right now we have them built and stabilized, but there remains getting all the shelves put in, and the trimming~

Though I haven’t read it, the genre of diaries is something I think is good to recommend, in general, as it is a way of confronting lives that have passed on. These need not be holocaust diaries -- there are happier ones out there. Below is a list of historically important diaries, but  not all diaries need to be that way.

https://www.panmacmillan.com/blogs/history/historical-diaries-war-history-journal

Remembering, simply, that everyone around you has a complicated and fascinating life, filled with dreams, hopes, fears, loves, and hates, can be found in even the most mundane diaries -- and may be preferred. 

As you work through reading, consider adding a few diaries to your list of books! Consider getting a feel for real people, in their own words, as they were going through events, rather than autobiographies or biographies (though these are also good and interesting!)

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Let’s talk about Cannibalism, just a little bit.

Why am I talking about Cannibalism on a blog about Death Anxiety? Mostly, to bring attention to human’s idea of what lives are sacred, and what lives aren’t. I recall when I read “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift (an essay that proposes eating infants to help with starvation and overpopulation issues), I was not as horrified as my classmates. It made sense, after all. Of course, I’ve always been a bit of a devil’s advocate when it comes to these things, and this has led to my decision to be a vegetarian, among other issues, but I’m not here to condemn meat eating.

In fact, I have two cats, and I understand they are obligate carnivores. They SHOULD and MUST eat meat. Humans are omnivores. We SHOULD also eat meat; I’ve found ways to survive without it, but that isn’t possible for everyone.

Back to Cannibalism.

It’s taboo for many reasons, certainly because it has a good chance of making us sick, but also because eating a human suggests that the person eating said human, also does not take human life seriously, and may kill another human as easily as, say, a chicken. This causes a fear within us, because we hold our lives very dear and think we’re a bit better than the chicken, and our lives are worth more.

In the scheme of things, that’s debatable.

That’s what I’m asking you to consider.

How sacred is Human Life?

How sacred is the life of a Chicken?

Why is Human Life so much more than a Chicken, if you feel that way?

If an alien race revealed themselves to us, and were comparatively more advanced/blessed/etc. to us than we are to the chicken, would you be okay with them using humanity for food?

I remember these thought experiments from one of my philosophy courses, and yes, I did struggle with it. At the time, I found myself accepting that aliens could eat us, because how else would I justify eating chicken? We see where this has gone now with my life choices; I’m no longer okay with this.

Why am I asking you to do this, if not to change your ways from eating meat?

I think it is a good way to look at life, our implicit biases about life, and consider our place in the universe. I think it may offer you a new framework to work from, or at least, a new window in your metaphorical house, to look out at as you contemplate mortality and death. I think it’s a good way to consider your fellow humans, and remember what you think of humanity in general, and how you, and everyone else you know, fits into that.

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

In exploring death anxiety, something that may help (which may seem counter-intuitive) is exploring death and mourning rituals.

The rituals I have known through my life, which were wholly unsatisfying, involved putting a person in a casket, having a church service, and putting them into the ground, never to be seen again. Nothing followed that, except a period of grief we were expected to move on from in a few days to return to our normal lives.

As a child, this wasn’t a huge issue. I was not too close with those who passed, I am fortunate for that, but as I get older, I realize how hollow these rituals are to me.

Finding a ritual that works for you will involve effort, and will involve making sure not to engage in cultural appropriation (such as with the rituals of the Day of the Dead – for many of us, that is closed). I have started small, without even realizing this.

I ritualized either leaving one white rose with the dead, or keeping it, if I could not be with them or at their funeral service. I ritualized having chocolate upon learning of their death, and again after the funeral service if I could attend, or the day of the funeral service. Flowers for the dead, sweets for the living.

It has grown from there, into the future plans of hosting a memorial section in my house, which will go in my library when that is completed. I am making plans to celebrate their life and mourn their passing on birthdays, to donate to causes they were passionate about, to reminiscence with music and movies, to do work they would have done, and remind myself of the tastes they loved. The chocolate, and the rose, will still have their place in all of this.

My practices will be my own, private and personal.

Through this practice, though, and keeping it constant rather than “one and done”, I believe I will find a way to better cope with the fear of death, as well. Yes, my loved ones will be gone. Yes, it will hurt. Constantly. And yes – one day I, too, will be gone, and anyone’s remembrance of me can only help them…but while I live, I may be comforted by thoughts of it, and while I live, other people may be comforted by thoughts of how they’re remembered.

It also causes us to look at Death more, and to consider what the people in our lives mean to us, when we consider what we would like to do to come to terms with their loss.

Creating useful practices, for the religious and the non-religious, is a powerful tool at confronting the reality of death. We are not in the process of denying it, even by keeping our grief alive. We are giving it a space. We are giving it room in the conversation. We are acknowledging it.

My practice will not be for everyone.

But I encourage you all to find a practice that allows you to engage with the reality of loss and death, regardless of your beliefs. You will not have these people again, as they are now, in your life. It is something we all have to come to terms with.

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Daily life with Thanatophobia!

I was asked how to “cope” with Thanatophobia, and really, that’s what all of this blog is about. In particular, I was asked how to cope with the idea of eternity and non-existence. I don’t have a good answer for that. I wish I did. It’s my fear, as well. I just have tools that I use.

Perhaps the best way to show those tools is to compare what my life was like pre-November, to what it is now.

Pre-November 2020, between June and November (when things were really bad), my life involved going to work, sending messages to my health team, checking symptoms on WebMD, overreacting to anything my mom or dad experienced, worrying about all the things I hadn’t gotten to do yet, making plans for if I have a year left to live and realizing the pandemic is ruining all of them, suffering from the pandemic in general, and feeling as if I had no one to talk to because I couldn’t see anyone. I would occasionally distract myself with video games, but I couldn’t focus. I had difficulties sleeping and spent many nights crying.

November 2020, I start to break down and realize I can’t go on like this. There were other breakthroughs before this time, involving starting therapy, and starting to take birth control, which has substantially helped with pain management, thus helping my anxiety.

My weeks now have structure. I can start to make plans again. I have a routine.

My usual weekday involves: waking up, going about my morning routine, exercise (sometimes), start work, meditate either at 10:30am or 3:30pm for 10 minutes, lunch at 1pm, drink an average of ~60-70oz of water/juice/milk/latte/etc., get off work, exercise (if not in the morning), work on any writing I have to do, eat dinner around 7pm-8pm (working on getting it closer to 7pm), shower, turn on something to watch, and prepare for sleep.

Wednesdays I also do some errand running, and sometimes therapy.

Thursdays involve organizing my meal plan for the week and going grocery shopping.

Friday usually involves a treat, like curry, sushi, Impossible Whopper – food I don’t have to make. It also involves a few clean-up chores before going out to get food.

Saturdays and Sundays involve video games during what are weekday work hours.

I’ll usually find ways to work in reading comics or manga, though I’m behind on that. Sunday also includes making the meals for the week (Buddha bowls lately). I want to get back into just reading novels, but I still haven’t been able to do that since I started working from home.

The death anxiety hits in moments around sleep time, which is why I tend to keep the TV on. It keeps me distracted for a while. When it fails, I’ll resort to other things, like turning on a show that I haven’t seen before so I can focus on it. This delays sleep and I don’t enjoy this much. I also have melatonin supplements, ASMR, and things like that which can help.

It doesn’t always work.

I’ve found that restoring a routine, meditation, and getting back on track with taking care of myself have helped immensely.

Pre-November, I wasn’t thinking much about what I’d eat. I’d go to the grocery store without a list, or a list of comfort foods, and that was that.

I wasn’t exercising.

I would vary between days I went to get food at the grocery store. It wasn’t great. 

Routine has helped me, because it offers me the illusion of control. I know any day I could die. I know any day, this could be it. I could go to the grocery store, and get hit by another car, and die.

When I think of it, though…of course, I’m upset, but would I do anything different? Would I rather go back to having a life without routine, without this illusion of control, where I was suffering daily, for hours on end? No, obviously I wouldn’t.

My time of suffering has become limited and far more manageable.

There are still days of terrible sleeplessness and restlessness. There are still nights of crying. There are still frustrations with the things I haven’t done. And there’s the ever present fear of the End, that is the End. Not the end of a video game that can be replayed, not the end of a book that can be re-read, but The End.

The Experience is Over, never to be enjoyed again.

My cat Mashpotatoes will never experience life again. When I want it to feel real, I think of that. It’s as close as I can get to touching what that’s like. I have two other cats now, Tarkin and Eriadu, and I love them. Their presence does not replace Mashpotatoes, though. Not that I wish not to have them in my life, or would trade one for the other – far from it. I have enjoyed each of them, uniquely.

Tarkin is my fierce mouser who is timid and prances around the house. Tarkin is the cat we shame for getting stuck in vents.

Eriadu is the cuddly sadist who drowns mice. Eriadu has the loudest purr I’ve ever heard. Eriadu is bolder than her brother.

And Mash was the most affectionate cat I knew, but she hated all other animals. Every human was her friend. She had the most calming blue eyes, and a cry that sounded like an infant – though she was Siamese, so that’s to be expected. She was with me through school, and died shortly after I was done with it. She lived with me for at least fifteen years, though I suspect she was at least sixteen. 

And she will never live again. She will never return to me, or to anyone. She will no longer kill doves, or sleep besides me as I play video games. I will never hear her meow again.

I’m not okay with it, but I cannot change it.

Just as I cannot change that I was not there to celebrate Christmas one last time with my grandmother Mimi, and she will never know how sorry I am. She will never know anything.

How do I live, day to day, knowing this?

I just do.

I remind myself that they are indeed gone. I will one day be gone. And I will one day be nutrients for life. I go about my routine, and face these fears at night, and think of how nice it was to know them – Mimi and Mash. How nice it is to have my parents, for parents. How much I adore my Tarkin and Eria. I think of the preciousness of living now, with Star Wars and Lord of the Ring films.

I think of what good I know.

There is good I will miss.

But happiness, as a feeling, is the same. So is gratitude.

I am missing out on experiences in the future. I have missed out on experiences in the past.

That is our lot in life.

But we have gotten to live – and what a wonder that is.

I’ve found my way to help combat this dread in routine, in meditations, in thankfulness, and in not hiding from it. Yes, it’s terrible, yes it still makes me tear up, but it’s no longer ruling my every day.

This is the progress I’ve made.

This is the progress I am still making, because this is an EFFORT to stay true to these commitments to myself, when any day I could backslide because it’s easier to do less.

This is the progress I hope for you – I hope you find your tools in routine or spontaneity, in positive thinking, and in whatever else helps you.

I hope Death Anxiety ceases to rule your every day.

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Above is a video that discusses Life Extension, and what we are trying to do to combat, well, aging. It goes over the theories on it far better than I can, as well as the consequences, good and bad, when it comes to life extension. It also goes over the fact that, no matter what, death is still inevitable. Entropy wins in the end, so immortality is almost certainly impossible. 

Death Positivity and Life Longevity, also known as Life Extension, are two interesting movements associated with Death. On this blog, I have leaned more into Death Positivity over Life Extension, more or less because I do not believe true immortality to be possible, and Life Extension efforts have yet to show recent, significant gains, and likely will not within my lifetime.

Life Extension does involve things like cryonics, which I’ve touched on this blog before, but there’s also a whole movement exploring other opportunities to never needing to face death. There’s vitamins and herbs you should take, hormones you should consider, stem cell research and regenerative medicine, gene therapy, molecular repair – honestly, it’s a huge movement that looks at many things, and I do wish them all the power in the world in extending life.

I even wish them power in finding immortality, although I consider immortality to be problematic in the larger scheme of things, notably, in resources and space. We’ve yet to figure out space travel, or colonize any planets, or create any space stations. If we achieve immortality, Earth simply won’t be enough to sustain all of us, and people will likely die from violence, starvation, dehydration, or other things.

Not to mention the damage we’ll do to our food resources, to the point of possibly causing extinction of some species.

Is this dramatic? Yes – but so is immortality.

Now, simple life extension, letting us live beyond 100 years, beyond 200 years, that seems more feasible, but there’s certainly many questions of how.

Human lifespans haven’t drastically changed. Yes, most of us have a longer life expectancy than we have had in the past, but these ages were achievable in the past, as well. There were people in the BCE era living to 70s and 80s, perhaps not as many as live that long now, but nonetheless, it was possible.

Living to 200 still seems fairly impossible.

With death anxiety in play, of course I would love for them to figure all of this out, but I am going to be honest. I am 30, going on 31. I take care of myself to live as long as I can, with a healthy diet and exercise, and as holistic an understanding of my health as I can have. I am skeptical of those things which cannot be proven, so I am not about to start taking the vitamins and herbs, nor begin saving to have myself locked away in a cryonics center until goodness knows when.

I may be missing out. I may be making a mistake not to go forward with this, and I may also change my mind later as more information is released.

A lot can change in 30 years, we have seen this with the rise of the internet. Information spreads more quickly – and so, too, does misinformation.

Of all the things out there, I consider that perhaps nanotechnology and cyborg technology has the best chance of extending human life in my lifetime.

I do hope for these things – but I have no hand in them. I am not a scientist. I am not progressing this science. All I can do, on my end, is hope…and I find that too similar to hoping for an afterlife, if I focus on it too long. Yes, if I see an opportunity that is viable, I will absolutely work towards life extension for myself, but at this time, I do not see a viable opportunity, so instead I am going to work on accepting what is more likely.

And if life extension happens during that time? All the better. If not, I’ve done all I can to make my peace with death, and I’ve lived a good life in that time.

Hope for Life Extension, but since it isn’t here yet, I recommend that this be a “hope for the best, expect the worst” situation, and get comfy with the thought that death is still going to happen to you.

@purplewizard