#fatherissues

[lovergirl9999]

I jus called with my father im having a crisis cause wdym that was pleasant and not a screaming match

[reveriebyn]

I have been looking for a father figure in fuckboys, lol.

[reveriebyn]

Always thought I was a far call from vengeance

But oh, revenge is so sweet!

[ivankellydressage]

Why yes, yes I am turning into my trainer!

[taedorokii]

Father, I forgive you.

(Just something I wrote while processing my emotions and with the realisation that unless i forgive i won't be able to forget the years of emotional abuse) (also i'm not a writer don't expect much i just wanted to get this out somewhere)

The smell of my childhood is the cheap body powder of grade 4 or was it 3? I don't have many memories of my childhood anymore. I think all I remember is some broken fragments that i've glued together with wishful thinking of how good things could have been.

It is maddeningly beautiful how you can find some of the fondest moments in terrible times of your life.

I remember that bedside. The right drawer with a jug of water. The powder in the first box of the drawer that I used to throw on floor because we couldn't afford air-freshner. You had been in that stuffy room for 3 months, me and mum did what we could to make it seem normal. The bricks... god I remember the bricks and the weight. It must have been so hard. I was young and I thought that those three bricks hanging from the steel rod imbedded in your knee was the worst weight you ever carried.

It took me 10 years or so to realise everything wrong you had done. It took me 5 more and a professional telling me through a screen that what you did was your fault and i was just a bystander who saw something that i was too young to witness. I saw the weight you really shouldered through those years. But it took just four appointments for me to realise how hard it must've been for you to carry the hatred for your own parents for your entire life. I carried mine for 5 years and i was exhausted, I am exhausted.

I decided to put the bricks down, I'm working on taking the little steel rod out of my joints because if I chose not to, I will be relocating it into someone else's bones. I don't want to. I don't want to be like you and the guilt associated with saying this makes me want to throw up. I understand you more than you think I could, believe me there is no hatred when I say I never want to become like you. And yes father, I forgive you.

[reveriebyn]

Fathers: They either make you or break you.

[cherrybomb-22]

I hope you're proud of the monster you made, Dad.

the trauma that will always be with me

[jolijack]

drownin’

i am stuck with you.

no matter what.

i am told it every time i complain of you.

no matter what i say,,

i’m stuck with you.

everyone else i see is happy with another version of you.

why didn’t i get a good one?

i see others play games and laugh.

and i look back at us.

i wonder why you never loved us.

you never loved me.

you loved my mother once.

you loved my sister and brother,

but never me.

i raised open arms to you,

but you bat them away.

i wanted joy, you gave me fear.

i wanted memories of going to the park,

not you dragging me into a garage.

i wished for laughter,

all i got was screaming.

i needed help,

and you gave me horror.

the days you dragged me into the dark, dark garage,

or screeched at me,

or dunked my head under the bath,

or forced me to eat something i didn’t want too,

it stuck with me.

i could write a book on what you’ve done, and i haven’t even turned 18.

you are the reason i am scared of the bathroom.

you are the reason for my trauma.

you are the reason i don’t cry.

you are the reason i am so obedient.

you are the reason i panic.

you think i want to think of ‘he’s gonna kill me,’ when i get a B on a test.

my friends have to stop me from having a panic attack from my grades,

what about everything else?

i want you to call me by my name,

and not slave.

i want you to care if i got hurt,

and not say ‘i can get money from your death.’

i want less screaming,

and less venom in each word.

i don’t want your love anymore.

i don’t want that tainted love.

i want your respect.

i want it for my mom.

i want it for my mom’s mom.

i want it for my sister.

i want it for my brothers.

i want it for everyone you put down.

and i want it for me.

i deserved your love, but i don’t need it anymore.

you treating me like shit won’t strengthen me,

look what happened with my mom.

yes, people grow from trauma.

but that should never be the way to grow.

you grow from love.

you grow from respect.

and you grow from caring.

it may not be as fast,

but people deserve childhoods.

i sure as hell didn’t have one.

you have changed.

become calmer,

but you are still a monster.

you still deserve a cage.

you still deserve a ball and chain to keep you down.

you are still a monster.

that is what i want to say.

because you take me voice everytime i see you.

from; me

to; dad

if you get treated like this, by anyone, right now, tell someone, it helps.  and i’m sorry it’s happening, i understand so much. just know you will get through it and that you are strong.