ღ and did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
ღ percy jackson x fem!bestfriend!reader
warnings: u just know from the gif that its gonna be angst; unrequited love, deprecating thoughts, bad dialogue? (so sorry this is my first time!!)
now playing ⇝ all too well by taylor swift
it was a nice saturday afternoon when you had come over to percy's for a night of movie-binging and random seasonal activities: listening to each other's playlists, solving puzzles, singing karaoke, laying around on his cozy couch; the possibilities were just endless when it came to the both of you. these regular get togethers have been a tradition between you and your best-est friend ever since you found out you were demigods at the ripe age of 12.
percy was one of the constants in your life, and so were you to him. there was never a moment when the two of you two weren’t attached at the hip, not a moment when you wouldn't be whooping over victories and sitting shoulder-to-shoulder during vulnerable times. you could positively say that percy jackson was your anchor in life.
over the years, you'd built a strong bond that you didn't think could ever be replicated with anyone else. whatever he felt you felt too, and you find yourself looking for percy in everything. and that was part of the problem. his kind and fiercely loyal nature, added with his boyish looks and awkward charms had you falling for him a thousand times.
it wasn’t like you didn’t try to get over him; you’d attempted to look for love in others, but every time that happened your mind kept drifting back to how nobody could make your heart flutter the way he did.
"do you ever wonder if there's anyone out there thinking of you?" he had suddenly asked while the two of you sat idly on top of his mossy living room couch, his face looking up at the ceiling in a contemplative manner. you only raised your brows at his sentence. percy asking random questions wasn't rare at all, but what caught you slightly off guard was that it seemed to gravitate towards the topic of love; at least, that's what you'd surmised.
"hm.. yeah, i guess," you trailed off, automatically thinking of a certain green-eyed, black-haired boy who happened to be your closest friend. "i hope they are." you finished it off, sending a mousy smile to where he sat across you.
"you wanna know who i hope thinks of me?" he laughed softly, and you couldn't help but think it was the most beautiful sound man ever made.
he continued his anecdote after you gave him an affirmative hum, face contorting to a blissful expression as he started with his sentence. “so, there's this girl... she’s smart, kind, and beautiful." and your heart started beating uncontrollably fast at that. you couldn't help but light up as the seed of hope sprouted inside of you. was your dream finally coming true? did he actually feel the same way? you were practically gnawing at your lips trying to repress the excited grin that threatened to blind the world.
the euphoric daze you were in carried you so far away that you didn't even realize the direction of who he was describing went distant from your own.
"she keeps me in check all the time and after years of growing up together.. i figured this constant arguing and the jabs we make at each other isn't really getting the both of us- or i guess me where i want to be." percy confessed, shrugging his shoulders slightly.
arguing?.. constant jabs? you don't think percy has done that to you for the past years. sure, occasionally he would tease you about how you still used children's toothpaste, or how you walked slow on the streets to school. but it was never to insult you. a tiny feeling of discomfort made its presence in you.
after a moment of silence, you snapped out of your train of thoughts and looked up to him facing you expectantly. it must've been a little too long since you responded. when you did though, he had a glaze of infatuation over his eyes, like this person was taking over his heart and soul as quickly as a bullet.
"so... who's this mystery girl?" you asked teasingly, trying your best to sound nonchalant. you did this all while attempting to manage the calamity going on in your head, trying to calm down the racing thoughts so you could be there for him. somewhere deep inside, there was a part of your heart that told you he had found another to love, another to devote himself to. but you refused to believe it. if there was one thing percy was to you, it’s that he made you feel so worthy. you didn’t want someone to take away the one thing you had the privilege of having. at this point though.. things didn’t seem too good. the doubts had overcome you and you were willing to hear any crumb of hope that could magically appear.
he looked flustered now, sheepishly pointing his turquoise gaze anywhere but your direction as he scratched the nape of his neck; a habit you noticed anytime he felt nervous. "it's annabeth."
and just like that the pillars that held up your soul had crumbled down in the most painful way. he had said it with such a cruel casualty that and you felt your heart plummet down your body a hundred times over, along with your dignity.
you didn’t even have time to prepare yourself for this.
sure, there was always a lingering thought in the back of your mind if he’d ever reject you, but of course you disregarded that. you prayed to the gods every single day that it wouldn’t turn out like this. you felt your body physically stagger back, eyebrows furrowing upwards into a heartbroken frown and your mouth gaping open slightly; it was almost like they were too shocked to believe it was true.
was this what orpheus felt when he turned back to look at the love of his life, only to find her whisked away from his own fatal mistake? was this the feeling of having someone so close to you, yet so out of reach?
as much as you wanted to hate this situation entirely, hate him entirely, you couldn't. you knew annabeth just as much as he did. she was charming, incredibly smart, ambitious—a little uptight—but she cared deeply for the people she loved. styx, she was even one of your first best friends when you arrived at camp, bonding through teasing a clueless percy. it seemed to far-fetched at that time, how a girl with the biggest dreams and a boy who was just trying to figure everything out would end up together.
on hades, everyone thought they hated each other at some point!
that was why you'd allowed yourself to love him, opened your heart just for him to occupy because you thought you actually had a chance to be loved by perseus jackson.
you knew love.. it worked in mysterious ways. but damn did it hurt to know you were never even a choice from the moment he saw the beautiful blonde.
and with that, hopes of a romantic life with him were gone and diminished, turned to dust. you wanted to, so badly, to dream that he'd finally notice you. hope for a miracle to happen that'd make him look your way. but that was even harder than trying to get a golden apple from the garden of hesperides. when percy jackson loves, he loves hard.
he saw your apprehensive expression and obliviously asked, "are you.. okay with that?"
"yes." you answered a little too loudly, a fabricated smile plastering itself on your face. your eyes held a sheen of glaze, vacant and breaking apart as you tried your hardest not to let the tears that pooled your waterline fall down.
"yes of course, i’m okay with that. why wouldn’t i be?” you forced a laugh, the words tasting so painfully bitter on your tongue. no, you were not okay with that; but who were you to say those thoughts out loud.
“the son of poseidon and the daughter of athena together, sort of an unexpected pairing don’t you think? but i am so happy for you. really." you lied straight through your teeth, because gods the way happiness was shining from his eyes. you couldn't ruin another thing for him. you've seen and been through the quests, troubles and sacrifices he had to make. it would be wicked to take away something that made him so clearly gleeful and carefree. and if it took you hurting inside for him to achieve that, then you would do just that. because you loved him, loved him even though he would never feel the same until the day the stars collapse and olympus falls.
"styx, i’m so glad my best friend approves of my choices." he let out the biggest breathe of relief, suddenly laughing out of joy, the sound masking the cracks that were tearing your poor hear apart.
right, best friend. you've always prided that you were his best friend from the beginning, even before grover. but now all you wanted to do was grab your sword and slash those two words until it stopped hurting so badly. but the damage had been done, the truth had been revealed. he didn't see you that way. and it was painful to think that he had never bat an eye at you because you knew how much of a loyal person he was. it was fate from the beginning that the bickering pair would soon come to a realization of love and maturity.
"listen, i know that you're close to her too and i was wondering if you could help me ask her out? i mean if you want to! i just don't really know what to do and i've never-" he had asked that so innocently, with gallons worth of hope inside his tone and eyes. his words were like rubbing salt on your wounds.
"of course. anything for you perce.." you cut him off weakly, trying to stabilize the plunging wavers in your voice so he couldn't tell just how much this was shredding you on the inside.
"you don’t know how much that means to me, thank you so much.” he moved to hug you as he finished the sentence, and you almost recoiled from his touch. you didn’t know if you could hold it up any longer if he made a single contact with you. his next words were somewhat muffled between the crevice of your neck, breathe caressing just below your ear. “i really appreciate you, you know? i know i haven't been the best to you at times but i really do care for you, and i'm always here." he said, and you wanted to scream at him that he had always been enough, that just his mere presence was more than sufficient to make you feel like you were on top of the world; to make you feel like you were needed.
if he cared and appreciated you so much, then why couldn’t he see you in a lovely light? you cursed at yourself for being so foolish. of course he wouldn’t think of you that way. you were never as smart, never as beautiful or as outspoken as the blonde. you didn’t have a voice that stood tall and proud against the world, didn’t have a mind that could parallel the greatest scholars. you didn’t have eyes that pooled like earth’s beautiful downpour or hair that fell like golden ringlets in the sun. if you couldn’t give him what he needed.. what he deserved, then you told yourself you would be just fine knowing he was living his best life by her side.
it would take weeks, months, years even to get over him, you predicted. but could you really ever ‘get over him’? loving someone like percy wasn’t something you could just let go of that easily. because something like that leaves a profound mark inside of you, where even if it’d been decades long you’d still hear the echoes of his voice and the ghost of his beaming smile whenever you thought of what could have been.
percy jackson would forever be your biggest ‘what if’ in this life.
so what was it that you were supposed to do now? you didn’t want to let go of his hug knowing that he would see the utter heartbreak on your face. you couldn’t do that to him, no. so you tightened your arms around him, acting like it would be the last hug you could give him.. and somehow, it was true. this was probably the last hug you’d have with untethered thoughts, one where it was just the two of you, just like old times. one before you’d lose the one real thing you’ve ever known. you were squeezing your eyes too firmly that you started seeing stars; you didn’t even realize how drops of liquid silver pooled onto the fabric of his sweater.
a few suffocating moments after that hug, you came to a realization that staying here wouldn't do you nor percy any good. you didn’t want to seem rude at all just leaving all of a sudden, but it was getting too much now, too painful for you to stay. so after sitting vacantly on the couch, out of your own head you acted like it was getting too late. standing up stiffly, you feebly told him, "hey perce? i think i'm gonna go now. it’s pretty late already and i’m pretty tired." you tried to play it off, although it was evidently a lame excuse. if percy noticed it, he didn’t comment on it.
"oh..” he looked almost.. disappointed at your words, but quickly recovered as his face creased with concern. “i can take you home if you want me to.” now that was just asking for it. even after he hurt you without any intentions to, he was still the sweetest boy ever.
you almost laughed at yourself. your heart was telling you to say yes, to take the one last chance of having him with you. but your mind on the other hand told you that it was selfish. selfish of you to treasure something that wasn’t even yours anymore. so you swallowed the lump in your throat and stared weakly at his pointed gaze, putting on a convincing smile and finally answering,
“no, it’s alright percy. i wouldn’t want to bother you too much. besides, i’m a big girl, i can take care of myself.”
“you know you’re never a bother,” gods, he was making this harder than it should be. “but okay, i trust you. let me know when you get home alright?" he replied. you nodded with a small thumbs up and turned back in return. how could anyone possibly hate him?
though it wasn’t all silent after that because a few steps after you got up, he called your name, and you wanted him to say this was all a joke, to take back what he said. "maybe we could meet up again? tomorrow?" he had said bashfully, pink heat overtaking his neck, ears and cheeks. you undoubtedly knew what was going to happen tomorrow.. to talk everything and anything about her. he looked so excited, like a child in a candy store. he looked like he had discovered true love for the first time, his joy radiating off the walls of the room. but you just wanted this to stop, to wake up from this nightmare.
"oh.. of course. your wingwoman's got your back." you had answered in the most stiff tone; you added a weak little finger gun motion just for the effect. the smile on his face felt like a mockery to your feelings. misery laughed at you, laughed at the knife that twisted itself painfully through your heart.
the moment you were out of his keen sight your body slumped haggardly, a somber mood taking over and quite frankly, you were in the verge of breaking down on your knees. the bag you were holding felt so heavy in your hands; the linen almost dragging the wooden tiles that lined the floor. but before you could rush out of the apartment to the comfort of your bed, you had bumped into sally on the way to the kitchen, looking like she just got home from her trip out. then when you finally looked up at her knowing face, your hands subconsciously covered your mouth to muffle the devastating sob that you’ve been holding back. you just couldn't help it, sally had always been a mother figure to you and she had such a comforting aura to her that triggered something almost forgotten inside of you.
she had heard everything he said. and she knew you loved him the way he loved her. sally’s always known from watching the two of you grow up together. she had an understanding smile and opened her arms as a silent invitation. you practically ran to her with the ferocity of an animal, desperately wanting someone to comfort you. her shirt had drowned out most of your sobs and her hands patting your head provided a sense of calmness in the middle of your hopeless plight.
when your sobs turned to labored breaths and your tears ran dry, she had tenderly called your name, cupped your face between the palms of her hands and apologized for what happened, but you knew it wasn't her fault. not percy's, not annabeth's, not anyone but the gods damned fates that have been playing around with you for far too long.
"thank you so much." you had told her with a sad smile, tears flowing like the river styx that drowned out mortals and demigods' alike hopes and dreams.
you left percy's place after, a heavy trudge in your steps wishing that one day the three old goddesses would give you something that made love worth living.
Literally two of my friends left early, mid way through a film and my house mate and his friend left twenty minutes later to spend time in the room and it's taking a lot to not be seen as boring. This is why I never show anyone anything I love because they just don't like it
I want to cry, but I can't because I'm afraid that it will be invalidated by the same people you want to pour your heart out to. Being told that it's immature to cry when you reach a certain age, or that you are just being emotional about the matter, or that it simple is something that shouldn't be cried about just really kills something inside you. Something deep in your chest just crumbles entirely. Your scandalous weeping becomes a mild hiccuping sound, your river of tears suddenly dries, and your gaping mouth turns into a fine line. You stop just like they wanted. You stop crying, you stop explaining, you stop justifying, you stop trusting, you stop confiding. In the end, I just want to cry again at what has become of me because of them. But I can't. The tears just won't come anymore.
