I'll be with you, always ও˖ ࣪⊹
𝜗ৎ tags/tw: miscarriage, fertility issues, heavy angst, hurt/comfort, established relationship, not proofread
ও˖ ࣪⊹ pairing: jason todd x f!reader
𝜗ৎ a/n: this has been sitting in my drafts for well over a year, it was technically the first fic I ever wrote but I never posted it. anyways, I've been battling whether I should post it or not, and I decided to. if you're going or went through something like this, just know you're not alone<3
When you met Jason Todd, he swore up and down that he'd never ever have kids. Or get into a serious relationship for that matter, he was far too broken, too hollow to ever give someone what they needed from a partner. At the time, you weren't interested in a relationship either, after dealing with your cheating ex you were pretty done for awhile.
However, time and feelings are a funny thing. Through your mutual friends, you both inevitably kept hanging out, and a friendship formed not long after. You were quick to forget your "no feelings" era, because the way your heart did happy laps every time it saw Jason's smile was concerning. His feelings for you came very much in the same way. Unannounced, agressive and strong, like a bullet being shot.
He didn't have a usual job, much less a usual life, it was not everyday that you got killed and then revived, it also wasn't everyday that you tried to kill your father after coming back. His trauma was a long deep running river that threatened to overflow the tide next to it, but.. With you it was so worth it. You were well and truly, perfect. It made him feel crazy, what sort of spell had you made to get him wrapped around your finger so tightly? He got giddy just hearing your name for heaven's sake! He was a scary vigilante, he wasn't supposed to act like a lovesick puppy.
Despite feeling strongly for eachother, you two battled off your feelings like they were the plague, while everyone but yourselves could see you were totally head over heels. To no one's surprise, you two eventually came around and got together after a few months of pointless fighting against something that was far too deep.
It had been six years from then. Three years married, three dating, and the only reason that Jason didn't propose to you sooner was the fact that he went through a lot of therapy and did a lot of inner work to become the man you deserved, because for you, he was willing to fight the scariest demons his mind posessed.
Now, you were ready to start your little family. One of the things that always worried you was his insistence on the fact that he'd be an awful dad, therefore he would never have kids. But what you didn't know was that as soon as Jason came to terms with the fact that he loved you all those years ago, and that you some miraculous way loved him back, all he could think about was how much he wanted to marry you, and how much he wanted to make you the prettiest mother in the world.
What none of you ever accounted for was the fertility issues. You had been trying for a few months when you started to worry, and there was nothing on this planet that Jason hated more than seeing your devastated face anytime your period came once again, so he always soothed you, whispering "There is nothing wrong with you, love. You're just stressed, we'll have our family one day, yeah? I love you.", while you sobbed into his arms at night.
There was, however something wrong with you indeed. After all the missed attempts you went to the hospital, and the doctors told you what you dreaded to hear. Fertility issues. Low chance of pregnancy. Any pregnancy will be of high risk. That day, you cried so hard you almost blacked out, it was a wonder how all the water from your body didn't get drained. And even then, Jason held you through it all, physically and mentally, because you were sure that if not for him, you wouldn't have persisted for so long. You thanked all that was holy for your husband, because not once did that man utter anything less of loving and supportive words in you ear. Never did he plant a kiss on your skin that was not utterly filled with love and adoration. In your head, you were broken, but to him? Oh God, to him you were the most perfect being on this Earth and he would not let you crumble.
When your period took too long to arrive three months ago, you didn't dare to hope. Honestly, you didn't even want to take a pregnancy test, after all, there had been times where the same happened and you ended up curled in bed crying. But, like always Jason gently encouraged you, and after one, two, three, four positive pregnancy tests, you were overjoyed. It couldn't be wrong this time, and it also couldn't be more perfect. Jason hugged you like his life depended on it and once again, his presence, his touch, it all kept you grounded, it kept you intact under the sea of emotions you were feeling.
The next day he arranged an appointment for you. After going to the doctor's and hearing that you were one month pregnant already, and that so far you and the baby were healthy, you felt like your life couldn't get better. Jason immediately stepped down from being a vigilante, he wanted to be there for every step of his baby's life, and he also would never forgive himself if he ever ended up leaving you two, so he wouldn't risk his life. He got a normal job at Wayne Enterprises, curtsy of Bruce Wayne who had spent the last few years becoming the father Jason needed (he was also overjoyed about becoming a grandfather soon).
Finally everything felt like it was right. You and your husband had a fairly normal life, you were going to start a family, the baby was healthy, the nursery was being made, you had plushies for the baby already, you-
Everything crashed down on what seemed like a normal sunday. It was a beautiful day outside, and you had stayed home, having a very high risk pregnancy and all. You had done nothing more than sleep and talk to your baby, you two even listened to music together (someone had to pass down their superior music taste). That was until you went to the bathroom after lunch. You felt a weird faint pain but didn't think much of it, that was until you looked down and the metalic scent of blood invaded your nose.
At first you couldn't believe it. Surely you were having a nightmare, because this could not be happening. You were frozen on the toilet, barely breathing as you looked at the blood, the very real blood that signalled that your baby wasn't okay. It was too much, and you couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't cry, it was all blood blood blood blood...
Jason arrived home from work a few hours later. Hours? Minutes? You didn't know anymore. All you knew was the blood. The blood and the fact that you remained on the same spot, unmoving, completely shattered. He called for you but you didn't answer. It didn't take him long to find you, and when he did he immediately understood.
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry." Was what you were able to make out, a heavy low murmur that ricocheted on the walls, embracing you and trying to keep you there. In a second he was kneeling in front of you, cradling you in his arms, kissing your head, talking about hospitals, and what could you do if not let him take care of you? Almost mechanically you got out of the bathroom and got ready to go to the hospital.
On the ride there he held you hand. He held you when the doctor told you that you had miscarried. And most importantly, he kept you grounded when the shock finally wore off and you weeped on the hospital corridor. You kept asking "Why?" over and over again and he comforted you, tried his best to give you the peace he barely had in himself, because for you, he'd carve out pieces of his soul if it meant you'd feel the slightest bit better.
When he told his family they were devastated, and in an attempt to make you feel better, the two of you were invited to dinner two weeks after. Jason assured you that if you didn't feel well enough to go, no one would hold it against you, but you wanted to be away from your apartment for awhile. The nursery was left untouched and you spent too much time in there, like somehow looking at the stuffed animals would make you wake up from this nightmare.
The dinner was going well, everyone tried their best not to mention anything, no one had so say anything when the silent hugs you received said more than what spoken words managed to say. You could see why your therapist told you to socialise, it was really helping to keep your mind off everything that happened.
At some point, Bruce turned to you and gave you a kind smile. "How are you feeling?" You gave him a tired smile and shrugged, but you could see in his eyes that he was also mourning. Everyone was. And suddenly the damn burst once again, and you were repeating 'I'm sorry' over and over again, Jason tried to soothe you and gently guided you to his childhood bedroom.
You didn't even know who you were apologising to anymore. To Jason? To his family? To everyone for ruining dinner? To yourself and to the baby you lost? No one blamed you, but no one was needed for that when your mind existed. Jason held you for what felt like hours, whispering about how none of this was your fault and that everything would be fine. It seemed hard to think it would, but... No matter how hard this was you knew that he'd be there to make everything okay once again.
You would get through this together, like you always did.
divider by @uzmacchiato
