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Bloodymary au where Rocky and Grace find Simon on the way to Erid (either he appears in the Hail Mary or his submarine is just floating in space or whatever). A few weeks into their journey once Simon is no longer actively trying to kill Rocky for being an Evil Alien, Grace sits him down for a very honest “look I did the math and we… probably… won’t starve to death before we reach Erid but it’s going to be close and it’s not going to pleasant. Unless you have any ideas for an alternative food source.”
And Simon just slowly looks at his missing arm, looks back at Grace, and says “well we could always match…”
Grace cannot tell if he’s joking or not.
Simon swears for the first time within Grace's presence, and Grace, middle school training kicking in, immediately just goes:
'Watch your language, go sit in the hall until you're ready to join us again.' In this sassy little voice, and the by the time he realizes he's said it he's too embarrassed to back down. So he's standing there, hands on his hips, until Simon begrudgingly goes and stalks off to another part of the ship.
By the time he comes back, Ryland is groaning out of embarrassment, and Simon is a fair amount amused at his response- Once a pre-teen teacher, always a pre-teen teacher
Bold of you to assume that Eden had enough of a formailzed school that Simon understands why Grace is upset with him. So Simon sulks away and actually thinks about what he's done to anger him enough to send him away, which leads to Grace having to explain that back on his Earth they police young children's language enough that there are adult words that kids can't say without getting in trouble and Simon, who is pretty sure one of his fisrt words was Fuck is annoyed on the kids behalf because sometimes Fuck is the only response to a situation.
He and Rocky exchange curse words and Grace is horrified and scandalized, Adrian gives them new ones ones they arrive on Erid because they made some up while they Rocky was gone.
Grace is doomed to be surrounded by potty mouths.
.eighty-six. inspired by this post by @nightquills
i just think. that david hollander is the type of dad that, after his son comes out to him, looks around and realizes “oh. not everyone has this when they come out.” not everyone gets a support system or acceptance or, god, an apology. some people came out so young and were told to hide it or got kicked out or abandoned. for so many young people, coming out cost them everything.
so maybe he starts a silly little facebook page. “handy hollander’s tips and tricks.” posts instructional videos and documents teaching people how to change the oil in their car or repair a doorknob or unclog a sink drain. how to find a good barber, how to work with and hire reliable contractors, how to know which screwdriver is which and when to use them. things a father should have been there to teach people, but for many, never was. he always makes sure to end his videos by telling his viewers that they’re worth it, just the way they are.
and maybe he’s at the hardware store one day with shane, picking out materials for a new project, and a young kid runs up with stars in his eyes. “are you…” he asks, clutching a notepad and pen, and shane turns and puts on his Publicity Smile and says yes, hi, nice to meet you, do you want a - “no not you. him.” points at david behind him. “are you handy hollander??”
apparently david has gone viral online and he didn’t even know it. he gets to sign an autograph and take a picture for once. the kid watches all his videos with his mom and they’re getting supplies to build a treehouse together. david definitely isn’t misty eyed by the time the two walk away, the kid practically skipping at his mom’s side.
not everyone gets what he gave so easily to shane, and he has plenty to go around. it’s the least he can do.
hollanov on separate bedrooms
jackie: yeah separate bedrooms can be a blessing! i love hayden but sometimes i need my own space
shane: ????
hayden: it’s healthy for couples to get a breather! and it makes it more romantic when we share our bed again <3 even tho you kick in your sleep babe ahah
ilya: okei….
(later, at home)
ilya: don’t you ever dare sleep in a separate bed from me i will hunt you down
shane: fuck no never — also when you kick me in your sleep i just kick you right thefuck?? like grow a pair hayd, jeez
ilya: ok i see your point but maybe hayden shouldn’t kick his wife
shane: you’re right jackie should just kick him harder
ilya: exactly! we should be marriage counsellors, solving everybodies problems ))
Dwarves prefer massive, heavy iron cutlery that feels like a blacksmith's tool in a Hobbit's small hands. Bilbo constantly struggles during formal dinners, almost dropping his soup spoon out of sheer exhaustion. Noticing this, Thorin orders the royal silversmiths to craft a special set of lightweight, beautifully balanced cutlery for Bilbo. The handle of the main spoon is shaped like a twisting beanstalk, and the silver is thinned down to perfect hobbit-proportions. When Bilbo blushes and thanks him, Thorin grunts that he "simply didn't want the royal tablecloths stained with spilled soup anymore"
with how deeply physical their bond is, i don't think that hollanov ever bothered to develop a safeword. i do think, though, that they developed-- by accident!-- a physical system to tell each other how they are feeling. and it definitely bleeds into their life outside the bedroom, and it's definitely subconscious at this point, and it definitely makes it into the locker room and onto the ice by the time they're both in ottawa.
which means maybe the centaurs have picked up on the fact that hey, sometimes when shane wants ilya to stop doing something, he taps his arm twice. or if ilya wants shane to move one way, he taps him three times. or if he just wants his attention, its a squeeze. which is all relatively normal, and they probably think its cute that they have an unspoken language for communicating with one another.
and then maybe-- by accident!-- it starts taking root as a thing, and then mindlessly troy or wyatt or bood accidentally double pats shane's arm to get him to stop talking to ilya for a moment, and shane thinks for a moment, that was a weird coincidence, and moves on. but then it happens again, and then maybe luca squeezes his arm to get his attention and then bood taps him three times to get him to move aside so he can walk past and shane feels himself flush to the ears and catches ilya's eyes across the room and ilya definitely noticed that too. so now what? they can't full well ask them to stop without saying, hey, so this was a sex thing. but it'd be weird to let it continue... right?
So, I'm sorry about what you're about to read but I was re-reading a post I made a few days ago, link at the bottom, and had a vison of Ilya making the nursery, and had to write it so have some sadness. Again, I'm sorry.
--
Ilya hears about Hollander's baby like he hears about most things involving Hollander now days, from Cliff, he is obsessed with Hollander's relationship with Landry.
The media is instantly obsessed, they are putting together timelines, guessing conception dates. Hollander's baby bump is small at first, small enough that Landry is the suspected Alpha Parent and Ilya grows to hate her, he hates the way her hand presses against Hollander's back in support, he hates when she brings him smoothies that Hollander hated before because the baby craved them, he hates that she gets everything Ilya wants, Hollander, a baby, a family. God, Ilya wouldn't even care if the baby was his as long as he got to love them with Hollander by his side.
He's too drunk after another update on the size of Hollander's baby bump and speculation on his due date when he storms through his house and tears apart the guest bedroom nearest the master bedroom. He drags the bed out of the room as well as any thing not bolted to the walls.
He wakes the next morning to his door bell, a hangover, and a notification for several deliveries. He does not question the packages, only only signs for them and sends the delivery driver away with a lamp he no longer needs for a guestroom he's about to repurpose.
Ilya drags the boxes to the room and opens the one from the Home improvement store, he lays the dropclothes over the floor, thinking perhaps carpet would he better to install in here. Ilya mixed the paint colors and looked around the bare walls and then began covering them with the soft blue he'd chosen for the base color.
While the base colors set Ilya unpacked the hand made crib he'd bought, fingers tracing along the wood looking for imperfections and finding none, the matching dresser, changing table and rocking chair would be delivered in the next few days as they were finished. The family that made them hadn't intended to sell them as a set but Ilya saw the crib and saw the similar designs on the other unfinished items and had to have them for the nursery.
He tried not to think about how they'd never be used.
Slowly the room took shape, soft blue walls with pale blue edging and snowflake decals, ivy and flowers danced along the walls along with Animal outlines that Ilya hired a painter for, paying him extra for his silence about the room. Ilya set the furniture in the room, the crib against the wall shared with his bedroom, a table in the corner with a soft light that cast a gentle glow in the room, the rocking chair sat next to the table, against the ajoining wall so there were fewer steps between rocking a baby to sleep and putting them in their bed.
Ilya ancored the dresser to the wall not thinking of the prewashed outfits and tiny jerseys that would gather dust unworn or the diapers that he'd eventually gift to one of his teammates when they announced their wife was pregnant.
Ilya sat in the rocking chair with a stuffed Raiders themed Bear in his hands and felt tears begin fall as he looked around the nursery he'd built.
What was he thinking, what had he done? Ilya buried his face in the Bear. He'd made a room for that would never be used for a child he would never meet, that wasn't his, that only belonged to the man he loved.
God, Ilya loved him. Fuck, he loved Shane Hollander, loved his baby even if they weren't his.
The baby was Shane's that was enough for Ilya to love them even though he'd never meet them.
Ilya sighed wetly and scrubbed at his eyes, he stood up slowly and looked down at the Raiders bear and gave it a tight hug.
"I am sorry, you you'll never have Baby to love you." Ilya murmured in quiet Russian before tucking the Bear in to the crib that would never be used.
Ilya turned the soft light off and walk through the darkness to the nursery door, and paused, turning to look at the dark room he'd made so lovingly for a child that would never see it or know him.
Ilya turned away from the nursery and closed the door, locking it with a quiet click as the lock engaged.
Ilya's hand rested against the door for a long moment before he tucked the key on the chain with his Mama's cross, that way he could keep both the things he'd lost close to him.
Ilya swallowed harshly against his tears before making his way to the kitchen he needed a fucking drink.
💬 1 🔁 1 ❤️ 11 · Okay fic where Shane finds out he is pregnant when he's with Rose and keeps it secret until let's say Hayden lets it slip
I love fics where their teams -mostly Boston cuz fuck Montreal- learn Shane and Ilya are together and try to show their sport through weird straight guy ways so someone tell me how there is no fic of Boston Raiders accidentally learning about shane and ilya and deciding to show their sport by watching and making Ilya watch Brokeback Mountain bc they just saw gay movie and cowboys and have no genuine clue about queer cinema so they never stop to think 'wait is this doomed yaoi'. and end up having a mental breakdown for their friend and turning into Ilya Rozanov's Gay Protecter Army TM
Alternativly, they watch Brokeback Mountain without Ilya, are hit by the tragic ending and collectivly go "Not our Roz" and are aggressivly supportive. Meanwhile one of the Metros accidently put the movie on at the manditory group hangout and most of them agreed the only good parts were when the one got killed, they don't notice that Shane has been hiding in the bathroom having a panic attack for the last ten minutes.
Ilya comes across the movie years later at a team reunion and suggests watching it, he only knows it has a queer storyline and everyone, Centaurs included, shout "No!" Very dramatically, Marleau goes so far as to set the DVD on Fire. (I know they'd probably be streaming it but For reasons Ilya found a DVD).
Shane later explains what happens and they share a moment, because that could easily have been them if things had been just a bit worse.
Ik people think the og 10 yr plan was sad but have we considered how buckwild it would be as an in-universe fan to see them at 45 y/o dropping their carefully constructed media personas seemingly overnight (without the intermediate stage of trying to fit their sexualities and relationship *into* those media personas)?
Like, the top 2 hockey players in the world have a public rivals-to-friends arc that lasts until they retire. Then the next thing anyone hears about them is that they’re gay married, extremely handsy in public, and transparent about their involvement in the local kink scene because they don’t have to be hockey icons anymore so who gives a shit
In another timeline Tunameltgate happens during late spring instead of the winter months, and instead of Ilya crashing out over Rose Landry, he crashes out over the photos of Shane at Wimbledon where he was photographed chatting with a Swedish prince, and... if Boston thinks the mini PR mess that Ilya caused by posting a selfie standing next to a guillotine that he captioned "bring them back" was bad, that is because they have no idea about the twice a day anti-monarchist tweet and retweet sprees LilyHollander105 is going on.
Imagine you're some little closeted rookie and they're billeting you with your new team captain and his husband and you're worried that there's something obvious about you cause why else would they stick you with the gay ones. But then you get there and realize you have another problem because arguably two of the best and hottest hockey players are just always shirtless and always kissing each other and always having loud sex and I forgot where I was going with this post but essentially its some poor little closeted rookie's sexual chernobyl.
After the first week of Centaurs camp, Shane wants to give Ilya a list of things he’s noticed about other people on the team. Minor fixes on form and positioning, new play ideas, general team notes. He asks Ilya to consider giving some of that feedback himself or to Weibe, but the ask leaves Ilya confused, then very angry with Montreal yet again.
"Hey, if I have notes for the team, do you want a list or can I just tell you?"
"..."
"Ilya? Did you hear me?"
"Yes, I hear you, мой любимый, but I am confused."
"Confused? I know it's only been a week so far, but I promise the list isn't huge. It's just little things I noticed."
"I am just wondering why you would give me a list."
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overstep, Ilya. I'm sure you noticed these things too. You are a great captain. I shouldn't-"
"Hey, hey, Shane, slow down. I am not upset that you notice things. You have best hockey brain, yes? This is good for our team."
"Okay, I mean, thank you, but what are you confused about then?"
"It is just...why are you making list for me? I thought you were getting comfortable with everyone."
"I am, I promise. They have all been great."
"Yes, so you will tell them these things yourself? I think they will be very excited to learn from you."
"But I can't..."
"What? Why not? You are talking fine right now."
"No, Ilya, what? I'm not the captain. You are."
"Yes, this is true. I am captain, but you are Shane Hollander. You are probably the most trusted veteran player in whole entire league for this stuff. Everyone wants to play like you."
"Even if that's true-"
"It is."
"Fine, but I still am not the captain. I can't just make corrections and give notes or ideas."
"Why the fuck not? Your opinions will matter most to me. You are always right on the ice. Was very annoying to play against you, but now, you are on my side. We would be stupid to not listen."
"Is this an Ottawa thing?"
"What? Respecting you? I think it is a thing everywhere except Montreal."
"Shut up. I meant the talking thing. Anyone on the team can just say something?"
"Of course! This is a Montreal thing, yes?"
"I guess I thought it was a professional hockey thing."
"So, what happened in Montreal? Only coach and captains can talk?"
"I mean, only me and Theriault could give notes or run drills or explain film."
"Not even Pike? He wears A for you?"
"No, captain and coach only. Hayden could only do it if I wasn't there, which never really happened."
"That is very tiring for you. Even more work on your shoulders than you already had to deal with."
"Yeah, it was, but that's just how it worked. I thought it was like that everywhere. I didn't know any different."
"Well, you can learn different now because everyone on our team can speak up. You will never have to carry everything alone again."
"That sounds nice."
"So, practice on Monday, you will give your notes, yes? I will tell Weibe you have thoughts if it makes you feel better."
"Oh, um, yeah, that would actually help a lot."
"Okay, good, I will text him. You have notes for everyone? We can make time in morning meeting before ice time."
"Are you sure? I don't want-"
"Shane, enough, please. Everyone will want to know what you think. You see things other people do not. You are also new perspective. It is good for me to hear what I have maybe been missing."
"I'm sure you have noticed all the things on my list."
"Maybe, but you should also be the one to share. You see game in different ways than I do. You see everything."
"I don't know about that, but thank you."
"You do. You were a very good captain. Montreal did not appreciate you."
"...thanks, baby."
"Of course, Любовь моя. I will keep telling you until you actually believe me."
i think when ilya was a child sometimes he overheard someone saying “jesus christ” and someone else replied “do not say the lord’s name in vain” and so he occasionally picked it up as a joke just to throw people off.
first time he ever did that to shane shane was so mortified because he thought ilya was serious and he just insulted ilya’s religion and oh my god he really really didn’t mean to. and ilya had to explain he was joking
One of my big headcanons is that Shane and Ilya would both find it very funny to see how far they can push the PDA level in front of their team, and they are not above pulling the 'we had to hide for a decade 🥹' card to push it further.
It's a game between the two of them. This is their version of that game where everyone has to yell sex louder than the last person until one chickens out.
Shane has hopped onto Ilya's back like a backpack and has Buried his nose behind Ilya's jaw, waiting for someone to finally suggest that maybe there's a line to physical affection at the rink, but then Ilya casually mentions how he was afraid to even have photos of Shane on his phone 🥺 and now the team feels too sad to say anything for at least 24 hours.
Troy is the only one who sees that this is a sick game of chicken for them and not a single Centaur believes him.
Boston boys 😎 groupchat
Ilya: everyone is welcome to dunkin’s funeral on friday
Cliff: who the fuck is dunkin?
St-Simon: you’re selling your ducati?!
Connors: you named your bike after dunkin donuts?
Ilya: yes and also yes; jane says either i sell dangerous motorcycle or i can never eat her ass again
Ilya: was easy choice
Cliff: man you’re whipped can’t belive you’re actually giving up on your fucking Ducati
Ilya: if you had seen janes ass you’d understand
Connors: what are you getting instead?
Ilya: Nothing. Jane says I have enough cars and should invest money in more safe investments in case i loose my job and visa
St-Simons: jesus kid
St-Simons: you sure she’s not your wife?
Ilya: soon i will be jane’s husband and you will all be jealous