A writer's place.

[dontcallmeanythingplz]

I love the idea of Shane's Wikipedia page having a single sentence about him being "previously romantically linked to Rose Landry" under Personal Life with Rose Landry's name hyperlinked and Ilya getting irrationally annoyed by it.

He makes an offhanded comment to Shane about it during dinner one night and Shane says something like "Oh I didn't even know it said that. You can submit a correction and edit it to delete that sentence if you care so much since you're so whiny and jealous" and Ilya is like "I'm not whining, I'm just making boring conversation about boring people on boring website." Then promptly excuses himself and whips his phone out to do the very thing that Shane has just inadvertently taught him.

And Ilya is getting more and more frustrated that it keeps getting edited back to say Shane dated Rose. He can never mention this to Shane because then Shane will know that Ilya is still jealous AND still checking his Wikipedia page.

This goes on for weeks. Wikipedia eventually restricts Ilya. He makes a second account and the same thing happens. He eventually takes the L.

It isn't until like 5 years into marriage that Svetlana drunkenly admits that she's the one that put the Rose Landry fact in Shane's Wikipedia page in the first place and that she edits it back in there every time she notices it's gone.

[sunnydejavuu]

ilya, drunk and enraged: YOU FUCKASS TRAITOR

svetlana, drunk and elated: NOT SORRYYYYY

shane, drunk and confused: wait, you've been fighting over my WIKIPEDIA PAGE

[stilinscute]

after Cliff’s first (he certainly hopes not his last) time with Shane and Ilya he’s not like. totally willing to start self-identifying as anything other than straight. he still loves fucking women but fuck, he’s certainly never going to turn down the opportunity to join those two in bed again, if they ask.

what he does take away from the experience is an appreciation for certain types of people. he finds his attention lingering on blonde curls and freckles and brown eyes and soft looking skin with smatterings of moles. men, women, whoever really- he begins to notice the patterns.

it’s at some league event where Cliff meets this absolute fox of a woman. yeah, okay- she reminds him of Shane which really does it for him- but she’s fucking sharp and seems to know eeeverything about hockey- which, also hot- and Cliff becomes a little obsessed with her immediately. he’s always been into older women so that’s another draw. and he keeps running into her at hockey stuff, like, way too regularly to be a coincidence so he starts thinking, yeah ya know what? I’m Cliff fucking Marleau I can ask out this sexy older woman, I fucking pull, dude I can do anything-

anyway that’s the story of how Cliff got rejected by Shane’s mom.

[angelynmoon]

Okay, but what if Yuna and David are just as freaky as Shane and Ilya, and Yuna doesn't immediatly place Cliff as Ilya's friend, instead she turns to David and just raises her eyebrow in question and David gives Cliff a very obvious once over and Cliff realizes that oh, she's married, I'm about to get my ass kicked.

Instead David nods and Yuna smiles and they lead him to a room or closet, whatever floats the boat and Cliff is thoroughly debauched, and they give him their number and tell him to give them a call when he's in town.

And obviously he goes to brag about it to Ilya and Shane is listening, not really interested until Cliff says something and Shane has the slow dawning horror that Ilya's best friend, a man they've had sex with has also had sex with his parents.

Now, Ilya does not clock this, the one time he doesn't, so Shane is experiencing the Horrors and wondering how to tell Cliff he slept with his parents, or if he even should.

Now, this can go several ways, Cliff finds out he slept with the Hollander parents and tries to apologize and Shane is like we never mention this again.

Cliff only learns that Yuna and David are Shane's parents after they've invited him into the relationship and he's being introduced to Shane as a new step parents and Ilya is laughing so hard but trying to be a supportive husband to his poor husband and be a good friend and trying to balance being happy for Cliff but also now experiencing the horror of knowing that his best friend is essentually sleeping with his parents, not only that but he and Shane have also slept with Cliff, no one can ever know.

Or Cliff, poor stupid Cliff never learns who Yuna and David really are, however you want to justify that, Shane has to introduce his parents to Cliff and Cliff just says hello and moves on.

Point is that Shane suffers with the knowledge that he and his parents have the same taste in thirds.

[hollanoveau]

while you made sad ilya headcanons, i studied The Code (the bro code, for your bros that you’re definitely not in love with but also it would kinda be okay if you were)

bc like. ilya breaks the news that he’s going to ottawa. cliff knows why. but also that’s unacceptable bc he can’t just leave him like that. that’s his bro! that’s his bestie! his ride or die! and he’s seen ilya change over the past year. he knows things got Serious between him and shane over the summer. Ilya’s happier now, but he’s also sadder now when they’re not together. quieter. more withdrawn. sure, ottawa is a hell of a lot closer than boston, but shane will still be in montreal. who will ilya have in ottawa in the meantime?? nobody.

cliff can’t let that happen.

so he has his agent start desperately pulling strings. his enormous boston-based family does Not understand at first, but they’re a hockey family, so in a way they get it. a good captain is worth following, even if it’s outside the country. cliff keeps it under wraps and doesn’t tell ilya. lets him make his plans and pack his shit and move over the summer without him.

and on the first day with the centaurs, as coach wiebe is introducing ilya to everyone and he’s fighting the nerves he hasn’t felt since he was nineteen and meeting the raiders for the first time, cliff casually strolls in decked out in red and black and smiling ear to ear. ilya definitely doesn’t cry like a baby as he flings himself at him and crushes him in a hug.

the ottawa winters are easier to bear between the two of them.

[cupcakesandhags]

okay but for sure baby shane on his first hockey team got to play on the ice during an intermission at a centaurs game in the 90s. he scored a goal and did a cute little celebration jump (and immediately lost his balance and fell on his butt). harris pulls the clip from somewhere deep in the centaurs archive. he makes an insta post after shane's first game with the cens and includes the video with a caption about tonight being shane hollander's second ever centaurs goal.

ilya just barely manages to keep himself from sobbing in delight at the video.

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

fun fact this poem is so popular amongst yall that three separate people, in three separate instances, have commissioned it with their flowers of choice:

[thatoneautisticshark]

Marlelau gets the nickname Big red because well... Clifford. And no one really thinks twice about it, until Russian rookie Ilya is highly confused by this nickname. They show him Clifford the big red dog.

But after this, the name starts to change, just sometimes, in the way nicknames will. Red dog. Big dog. And eventually somehow it lands on Pup, or puppy and doesn't change to much from there.

At some point some poor person is interviewing someone on the team and is like "That was a good okay from Marleau, wasn't it?"

"Oh yeah, great shot from Pup."

Marleau interacting with fans and Ilya is like "Puppy!" And his head snaps up instantly because that is his name.

The internet thinks the Raiders are in some team wide puppy play kink shit.

[toasted-rivalry]

A ‘Bears walk in to Ilya’s house and see him napping with Shane AU’ where Ilya somehow manages to still keep Shane’s identity a secret.

Ilya always had been a light sleeper, so no matter how lightly they stepped he was awake moments after the first shocked gasp.

Ilya knows it’s over for him. There’s no mistaking that there’s a man asleep on his chest in a clearly non-platonic cuddle. Usually Ilya would be punching the intruder, threatening violence to try and ensure they kept their mouth shut but he has quickly realised something far more important. With the way they are sleeping, Ilya on his underneath on his back and Shane on his stomach on top with his face pressed into the gap between Ilya’s neck and the couch, they can’t see his face.

He quickly pulls Shane’s hood up over his head to hide hair and rests a hand over it to gently discourage Shane from moving it should he start to wake up.

So Ilya just stares down his team and goes “you can be upset, but are going to be fucking quiet about it because if you wake my guest I’m sending all my blackmail on you to your wives, and then start fucking them to help them get over the divorce.”

So the whole “You’re fucking gay!” “No, I’m a fucking bi who is fucking a gay” conversation happens at a furious whisper, with Shane blissfully sleeping on Ilya’s chest as life implodes around him.

Shane may be a deep sleeper - and the argument in whispers - but even he starts to stir at the noise.

Ilya can’t have him moving his face into visibility now, so he just scruffs the back of his neck harshly and pressed him deeper into his shoulder.

Shane lets out a pleased (and not at all quiet) moan, and - worried that he is going to start talking - Ilya realises he needs to shut him up.

So he glares at the Bears to be quiet, while suddenly putting on the softest voice they have ever heard him use as he goes, “shhh quiet time now mоя любовь. Back to sleep.” And then shoves his fingers into Shane’s mouth.

When the Bears leave soon after, some of them have LEARNT some things about themselves. But crucially, none of them have learnt who their captain is fucking.

[sabotage-on-mercury]

Ilya wants to do one of these "celebraties I don't think my husband can name" videos where he shows different singers to Shane because he thinks it's just too adorable how Shane has no clue about the music industry at all, only for the video to go like this:

- Oh that's Gaga. You know Lady Gaga? Of course, Ilya! She was in A star is born. Really good actress. She is more of a singer actually... Oh yeah that makes sense, I guess. You guess?! Please tell me you know Poker Face, lyubimyy. I know for a fact you have been to a club, you must have heard Poker Face before. I don't know, maybe. [Ilya starts singing Poker Face]. You're lucky you play better hockey than you sing, baby. Oi!!

- Oh I know how him! That's Armando! That's Pitbull. I'm pretty sure that's a human? Are you fucking with me Shanya. Of course baby. I know that he is a rapper but it feels so weird to call him Pitbull, when we met in Miami he said he was Armando. You met in Miami?? Yeah well, was a few years ago, he invited our team to this house- Pitbull invited the Montreal boring fucking Metros to his fucking house???

- Kesha! Do you know her songs? Absolutely none, no. How the fuck- Why am I even suprised you know her too. Oh we met at Roses birthday party in LA. She is so funny, I think you would like her! Maybe I should introduce you. What the fuck- You know what, I call her. Shane!

- Oh that's Kayleigh right? Kayleigh. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's her. That's Chappell Roan. Dykstra is playing her non-stop in the lockerroom. Oh, really? Pink Pony Club? Good Luck, Babe? Casual? Sounds familiar yes. [Ilya starts singing Casual] [Shane blushes] I think... I think I remember now yeah. Didn't know that was Kayleigh. How do you know all these people but have no clue what they do? Oh funny story, she is a good friend of Rose actually-

- Oh, that's Sam! Sam Smith. I've been to a concert. Met backstage. Really cool person. Shanya, you're surprising me? You go to concerts? Well uhm. When... when I was with Rose she got us tickets and - Yeah okey.

- Montero! Or Lil Nas X. Shall I guess: Another friend of Rose? Maybe, I should ask her. Actually we did this campaign together and- I hate you.

- Oh thats the actress from the movie. The movie with all the actresses. Oceans Eight. That's Rihanna. Yeah! Rihanna. I really liked her there, she should do more movies. Shane, she is actually a singer. Oh, that's cool. You're killing me. What? Should I know her? Shane. Lyubimyy. We literally had our first dance to her song.

- That's Benito! Nice guy. You know Bad Bunny? Who is a bad bunny? That is Bad Bunny. Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio. Okay yeah? He is literally the biggest singer in the world. Is he now? Yes! Oh, wow he didn't mention. Wait, you met Bad Bunny? Yeah, well we were at some galas together, but to be fair he said- Galas? Like how many? Dunno, like four, five times and- Ilya is your nose bleeding?

[whereisthatfrogomine]

I also think it would be really funny if Shane knew Armando as a real estate connection. Armando reached out to him (because they're both celebrities in real estate, obviously). Shane doesn't typically do networking, but this time he looks into this guy's properties and just thinks, "Oh! This guy actually seems to be really successful at this. I should definitely accept his invite and learn from him and maybe meet some other people with good advice. It would be silly not to." Armando at some point drops the most casual "You do hockey, right? How is that?" that Shane has ever heard from someone who seems to know who he his. Armando never brings up performing because everybody obviously knows who he is (obviously), and Shane never thinks to ask if he does anything else. Armando sends him a text inviting him to dinner or to parties he happens to be throwing when he sees Shane has a game in town, and Shane always accepts. It would be rude not to, and he likes Armando. Shane gets so accustomed to seeing Armando when he's in Miami that the first time he plays there without getting an invite, he texts him to let him know he's in town and ask him if he wants to get dinner. Sorry man, I'm on tour right now. Next time, brother. What does that mean? On tour? Like, on a tour of Europe? Or is this some slang he doesn't know? Doesn't matter, he's busy either way. No problem man, next time. 👍🏽 At least things are still good with his good buddy Armando. Maybe now he'll facetime Ilya tonight, instead.

[clovernebula]

prev how dare you hide this in the tags

[cliff-marleaus-left-toe]

One of my favorite cliff headcanons is that he is supportive of Ilya and Shane, but he doesn't really get it not bc of the whole 'Shane is boring Ilya is not' propaganda everyone on the internet is saying he thinks Shane makes sense for Ilya he just doesn't understand how gay relationships work, like he understands conceptually that people are gay and Shane and ilya are in a gay relationship he understands they are in love, and they fuck, and he isn't homophobic, but he has never seen a gay couple and especially a gay couple where both parties are Masc and all his experiences with romance are based on relationships with traditional gender roles so he thinks that's how gay relationships work also so when the summer after their wedding he calls ilya up like 'bro I missed you we gotta catch up and shit' and ilya is like 'I can't leave my beautiful husband to come see your ugly mog you understand' but Shane feels bad that Ilya had to leave Marley when he moved bc he is a good friend he was at their wedding and shit and Shane lowkey wants to prove he deserves ilya to marly bc ilya doesn't have any family left that isn't his asshole brother so sveta and marly are the closest thing he has to family, and he wants them to like him and its stupid bc it's not like if Marley doesn't like him anything will change they are already married, but he just needs this one thing to work out so bad so he is like 'why don't you invite him to the cottage I am sure he'd love to spend time there and I want to get to know him better he is one of your best friends.'

So Ilya invites Marley to the cottage and Shane brings his A game he is usually a good husband naturally, but he is trying to impress Marley so he brings flowers to ilya when he gets back from grocery shopping or cooks his favorite meals or is just being generally physicality affectionate in front of cliff like kissing his forehead and holding his hand while watching a movie that type of stuff bc he knows ilya likes being shown off, and he tries to do all the little house errands that need to be done himself so ilya can spend his time with cliff catching up and eventually when Shane is out of the house for like a commercial cliff finally is like 'dude why is Hollander doing all that I thought he was the girl are you the girl?.' And ilya is like 'first we are both men so what the fuck second if you say that about my husband again I will hit you hard.' And cliff is like trying to explain himself by saying he thought all relationships had one person who was the one getting spoiled and one person who spoils them and the one getting spoiled is always the girl based on his relationship with woman and ilya is like wow he is in a prison of his own making, and he tells Shane and Shane feels so bad bc it kinda reminds him of how he thought about relationships before he realized he liked man, and he doesn't think cliff likes men, but he still wants to talk to him about it, and they end up sitting down and talking about how if he wants quote unquote princess treatment he can just ask for what he wants and needs relationships are about compromise and just bc they are men doesn't mean they don't deserve nice things also and of course cliff understands him to an extent, but he is a little stupid, so his takeaway isn't 'I should ask for what I want fuck gender roles' its 'dating a dude is like having a best friend who fucks you and still treats you like a princess, and he is like maybe I should date a dude.' But Shane isn't there for the second part of this revelation ilya is so he is like 'yes you should.' And then cliff wishes them a good rest of their vacation and leaves and then when they meet up during the season 4 months or so later cliff sees Shane on the ice, and he is like an exited puppy so he goes up to him and tells him he's got a boyfriend, and thanks him for the advice and tells him how awesome it's been and Shane is stunned for the rest of the game but after the game ilya is like supper smug bc he knew this was going to happen and is like 'cliff invited us to meet his boyfriend.' And Shane is like 'fuck it I guess this is my life now at least cliff likes me.'

[electric-warriorr]

This idea is so funny to me omg OP

Shane (indirectly) telling Cliff "hey your girlfriends should treat you better, you also deserve nice things in relationships" - Cliff of course misinterprets this and returns 6 months later like "hey so I got a boyfriend and he treats me like a princess, thanks for the advice Hollander!" and Shane is baffled and bewildered but ultimately supportive

[amitanuki]

This came to me in a dream

I wonder if growth for elves is somewhat proportional to their lifespan? 👀

[greenapplespider]

Legolas having a bit of an existential crisis over just how fast mortals, particularly Gimli, age. Time for him to build his boat.

Made for this months art challenge for the @whumplovers-collaborate on discord, the prompt was embrace, leaf, left to die.

[gamergirl-lumine]

Frodo: *speaks Elvish*

Legolas: The heck was that?

Aragorn: He said good morning.

Legolas: He did?

Frodo: I thought you would… understand that?

Legolas: I’ve never heard someone speak like that before…it was strange, and stilted, and you used full words the whole time.

Aragorn: Elves may sound fancy to us, Frodo, but they speak slang, and almost exclusively in metaphors.

Frodo: Oh.

Legolas: Aragorn has described it as ‘a monstrosity of a language’.

Gimli: Dwarves have a better language.

Legolas: You do.

Gimli: Ha! You admit- wait, you admit it?

Legolas: Elves curse by using the names of trees. Tree names! You have actually cusses. Do you know what I would give to cuss, just once in my life, Gimli? Do you know what I would give to tell someone to f- f- f- I can’t even say it.

Gimli: You can’t say fuck?

Legolas: …I have an idea.

-

Legolas: The-

Gimli: Fuck.

Legolas: -are you talking about?

Boromir: Why did we let the dwarf start swearing for the elf?

Aragorn: Because I can’t wait to see Thranduil’s face when he finds out.

[angelynmoon]

The real reason Legolas took Gimli across the sea with him.

[noka-exe]

oh Frodo…

[the-star-nomad]

Hobbits and the language of flowers.

And Bilbo using it to be a petty bitch. I love him.

These took me, and I kid you not, HOURS to complete and they’re not even detailed…. *weeping*

Hobbit/Dwarf cultural misunderstandings are DELISH I eat it up every time. And, Kili, sweetheart, that’s a bit forward even for a dwarf…

[toki-like-eat-kfc]

He carved various likenesses of the dwarf from memory, hoping only never to forget his face.

Bilbo placed the veil over his own head and the statue's, imagining what it would be like for them to get married.

[mo0nbugs]

To pass the time on long rides, Bilbo starts absent-mindedly braiding Myrtles mane. He does it almost subconsciously and is completely unaware of all the dwarf eyes keenly watching him.

Because they're good braids, some of them quite complicated and no one can understand just how he knows how to do that.

The only conclusion they could come to is that the hobbit must have a paramour back in The Shire, some long-haired lass who he spoils with pretty love-braids.

Thorins temper had been truly foul after Balin had proposed the theory out loud.

After weeks of Thorin sulking, it was ever curious: Ori, who finally asked where Bilbo had learned such intrecate braid work.

Bilbo then flushed and embaressedly explained that he'd learned it from competitive pie decorating.

[tamilhobbit]

😂

[angelynmoon]

More news:

Thorin attempting to flirt: I could be a pie.

Bilbo, Considering, wondering if he means that literally: Okay.

The Company of Thorin Oakensheild: Exchanging coin purses.

No one is sure what this means.

After Erebor is reclaimed Bilbo presents Thorin with a courting pie with decorations that match the braids in his hair.

He does not share the pie, (he's not meant to but everyone whines about it.)

[iischaos]

Love the idea of hobbits and dwarves having very different insults due to cultural differences, so something that could start a family feud between hobbits means nothing to a dwarf and something that would cause a dwarf to consider you an enemy for life likewise means nothing to a hobbit. Or, better yet, comes off as something else entirely.

This leads to an extended series of confusing conversations between Thorin and Bilbo, who spend the quest calling each other increasingly creative insults and then not understanding why the other barely reacts. This eventually fades into nothing for Thorin and fond comments Bilbo says to himself, at least until the disaster that is the goldsickness-induced breakup right before the battle. This time, they throw the worst insults they know at each other, but as Thorin really gets going, Bilbo stops with a completely baffled look on his face before saying "what the- fuck's sake- is this really the proper time for you to be flirting with me?"

Thorin, who has spent the entire second half of the quest wondering while Bilbo hasn't been responding to his attempts at flirting, snaps out of goldsickness from sheer shock.

Everyone watching this is extremely confused.