Anon wrote: Hello! I'm an ESTJ (22F) and have had 4-5 incidents in my life where I've upset people badly because of my insensitivity. For example, when I was a teen, a friend wanted to go somewhere for a group outing, but I dismissed their idea and suggested going somewhere else which everyone agreed to, making that friend feel angry and unheard. Things like that. In the moment, I don't realise my actions can hurt people badly because personally, I wouldn't be hurt by that. But after going through several similar incidents, I realised the problem was indeed myself. So I’ve been working hard on being more tactful and considerate of other people’s feelings. Globally, my efforts seem to have paid off and my friends confirmed that I seem to have softened.
However, I’ve recently hurt a new friend (she’s an INTJ, 22F) because of this same lack of consideration. I damaged her trust in me when I told her that I’ve shared a personal experience of hers to friends of mine. At the time, I didn’t think that it was a secret and thought it’d be good to share her experience as to spread awareness. But she told me she was upset, and I could understand why, so I offered a sincere apology, which she accepted.
We started texting again, but only a few weeks later, I joke and say we don’t want to date frail guys because they wouldn’t be able to princess-carry us without getting crushed. I formulated the joke badly, and it could’ve sounded like I was saying that guys would get crushed under HER weight. She tells me that she’s insecure about her weight and even though she said she knew it was not my intention to say “You’re so heavy that guys would get crushed under your weight if they tried to carry you”, I am still told off quite sternly for the joke. I apologise immediately and feel very bad. It’s only been a moment after I’ve hurt once and here I am, hurting her once again.
However, this time, I also feel upset that she chose to interpret my words in the worst way possible. Badly formulating the joke was my fault, but she knew it was not my intention to say something mean. I feel like, in consideration of the previous incident, she still silently holds a grudge against me, so that the moment I slip up, she decides to have the most intense reaction to prove that I have done her wrong once again.
I have two interrogations concerning this:
- How should I deal with this friend? She still quietly holds onto my past mistake and I might have to continue walking on eggshells around her because it feels like she’s a lot less tolerant of any of my slip-ups. However, we don’t have the same type of sensibility from the get-go which highly increases the chance of me saying something that upsets her even if it’s far from my intention to do so. Should I graciously let our friendship go?
- It’s disheartening to see that even after making great efforts to avoid hurting others, I still manage to hurt them in the same way I did in the past. Of course, these kinds of incidents are a lot rarer now, but they still happen and it’s enough to cause damage in my newer relationships and it makes me feel I haven’t changed much… I don't want to upset any more people. Do you have any thoughts or advice concerning this?
Thank you for reading me and for your time dedicated to this blog, I really appreciate it!
When a problem recurs like this, it's a sign that there's a lot more to it than you first thought. Are you ready to get into the complexities of what it means to be "insensitive"?
There is no way to speak such that you never offend anyone. The fact of the matter is that you'll never know everything about a person, so you can't always predict what will upset them. The older someone is when you meet them, the more hidden baggage there is to contend with. When you're getting to know someone, you have to accept the fact that toes will get stepped on. IMO, you actually have to welcome and embrace those painful moments as opportunities to learn about each other's preferences. Can you shift your attitude to one of acceptance rather than blame (requires Si)? Whether it's blaming yourself or others, it is always counterproductive because of its narrow focus on shaming and punishing. Blame doesn't help and usually leaves everyone feeling worse off.
If the relationship is meant to progress and thrive, both parties have to be willing and mature enough to work through misunderstandings in order to come out more knowledgeable and better prepared to treat each other well in the future. When someone isn't willing to give you the benefit of the doubt or is absolutely intent on seeing the worst in you even after you've tried to make amends, you can speak up for yourself, make your intentions/desires about the relationship crystal clear, and make a reasonable request of them to be more patient and forgiving. However, you don't have control over people. If they just can't trust you because of their own personal reasons, then they just can't, and then you have to make a thoughtful decision about how much emotion to keep investing in the relationship.
I understand your frustration with this insensitivity issue because I've actually witnessed many ESTJs around me struggle with it throughout my life. At the end of the day, I'm about the furthest you can get from being ESTJ myself, so there's only so far I can get in breaking down the problem for you. The rest is for you to reflect on and put into practice. There are several points to chew on and digest:
Te+Ne often produces the trait of being overeager to act, for example: leaping before looking, speaking before thinking, judging before knowing, deciding before deliberating, etc. This can easily be taken too far into social recklessness. Extraverts tend to be rapidly stimulated by socializing and it's easy for them to get caught up in the moment and just blurt out whatever is on their mind.
Unless you've been abnormally sheltered, years of socializing experience should've already taught you that there are certain topics of conversation that are risky to broach due to their potential for inducing conflict, hurt, or suffering. If you need concrete examples, anything related to:
age; ageism; bodily functions; health issues; death; dying
spirituality; religion; religious beliefs and values
politics; hot button political issues/debates
workplace gossip, relationships, or politics
money; income; personal finances; class; classism
physical appearance; height; weight; lookism; disability; ableism
mental health; mental disorders; psychological issues
private sensitivities, vulnerabilities, shames, or traumas
troubling, problematic, or painful intimate relationship experiences
sex; gender identity; sexism; sexuality; sexual orientation; homo/bi/trans erasure or phobia
ethnicity; ethnocentrism; cultural beliefs and values; cultural insensitivity; cultural appropriation; race; racism; xenophobia
social constructs like etiquette; norms; language; intelligence; justice; love
There are a variety of approaches people choose for handling these topics. E.g.: Some people avoid them altogether in hopes of staying out of trouble. Some prefer obliviousness because they have no interest or can't personally relate. Some resist reflection on them and don't want to care about social consequences. Some purposely bring them up to provoke or push their beliefs.
I don't like to dictate how people behave. The most I can say is: Anyone who hopes to have great social skills and increase their odds of experiencing meaningful relationships ought to:
take time to properly understand why these topics are fraught and difficult for some people to talk about
carefully consider what their own beliefs/values are in relation to these topics and whether they are well-reasoned
approach the topics thoughtfully and respectfully in conversation
be willing to listen and adjust their attitude/approach upon receiving negative feedback
have an effective communication strategy for working through misunderstandings, disagreements, and conflicts
For ESTJs, the remedy to lack of restraint is Si development. There are two aspects: (1) Si awareness leads people to be more attentive, conscientious, methodical, and circumspect - all of which are generally important when it comes to successful risk-taking. When you make yourself more aware of risk and danger, you'll naturally proceed more cautiously. (2) Si encourages you to develop and follow reliable rules of propriety for navigating difficult situations. You get to choose your method of approach. When you don't have a method, you're flying blind, and chaos is not far behind.
II. Lack of Boundary Awareness
Common manifestations of boundary issues include: freely offering up opinions and advice; trying to solve people's problems for them; telling people what to do ("for their own good"); being judgmental and critical of people's shortcomings or vulnerabilities. ESTJs often believe that they are showing care through these behaviors, but that's only true if the behavior was invited and wanted by the receiver. When it is uninvited and unwanted, these behaviors are all forms of trespassing onto the other person's personal space or violating their rights to privacy and self-determination.
When Si and Fi are underdeveloped, ESTJs have a primitive understanding of the concept of "privacy". This can manifest in two common ways:
(1) Generally speaking, they don't think much about private things, let alone talk about them. This means they tend to assume that if someone talks about something openly, it's not considered private.
E.g. What does the word "share" mean to you? If someone shares an experience with you, does it mean that it's now yours to do with as you please? Nope. That experience still doesn't belong to you.
(2) Generally speaking, they don't understand that different people have different privacy preferences and boundaries.
One reason people learn about type is that they want to learn about individual differences and how to reduce conflict when navigating them in a relationship. One of the basic lessons type theory imparts is that applying your own type preferences to someone of another type can lead to conflict if you end up disrespecting their type.
For example, did you know that Ni doms tend to be intensely private people? There are many reasons behind it. One being that they are statistically the least populated types in society. Simply by virtue of being the smallest minority, they are the most likely to feel unseen, unappreciated, or misunderstood by people and society at large. Many Ni doms are wary of opening up because they have a special way of looking at the world that is repeatedly met with some form of invalidation by others. This makes it understandable that they can be slow to trust people and even actively look out for proof of untrustworthiness. Regardless of your intention, acts of insensitivity serve as evidence to them that you don't really understand them and thus can't really be there for them. Knowing this, is there something you can do to reassure them of your trustworthiness?
In other words, some people have a wider privacy boundary than others for reasons that you may not be aware of. ESTJs tend to keep fewer things private than INTJs. Before you talk about someone in their absence, you ought to think twice about whether the information you're about to disclose about them is considered private to them. If you're uncertain, that's all the more reason to be cautious, because it means you don't know them very well and haven't been granted license to talk about them as though you do.
When in doubt, it is best to clarify a person's privacy preferences through good communication and obtain consent before you offer up information about them to others. If you want to show people that you care about them and can be trusted, you ought to take time to understand their personal concept of privacy so that you can guard and protect it as well as they do.
ESTJs often don't realize how gossipy they can be. In the heat of conversation, they bring up whatever points they believe are relevant or helpful, without considering the social consequences.
Remember that privacy is necessary because information about people can serve as a kind of currency. It can be traded for personal gain. It can be exploited to hurt someone on purpose. It can be used to treat someone unfairly. Just as you wouldn't walk down the street waving hundred dollar bills around, you shouldn't be careless with releasing information about people.
A simple example: Imagine you suffer from depression but you manage it well and live your life smoothly, perhaps even capable of doing your job better than your colleagues. Would you disclose your depression in a job interview? You shouldn't, because, due to societal stigmas surrounding mental illness, the interviewer might unfairly judge you as an inferior candidate compared to someone without depression, regardless of your actual work performance. Now imagine a friend of yours had talked about your experience of depression to help out someone also suffering, and then that very someone turned out to be one of your rivals for a job position. They could exploit information about your depression to sabotage your chances without you ever knowing.
The word "discretion" is related to the word "discernment", which means "to exhibit good judgment". How is this related to relationships? Due to inferior Fi, ESTJs often have very primitive notions of fairness and equality. They tend to make the logical error of believing that being fair/equal means treating everyone the same or seeing everyone as being the same.
The relationships in your life are not all the same. Some people should mean more to you than others because they are closer to you. Some people should be categorized differently because they serve different purposes in your life. Some people should be treated differently because of the specific relationship dynamic they have with you that others don't have with you.
To exercise good judgment in relationships, you have to understand that 1) each relationship is unique because the individual you're dealing with is unique, and thusly 2) every relationship requires a somewhat different strategy for maintenance and development. Successful relationships require thoughtfulness, which is why they're hard work.
On the surface, it may seem like a noble idea to treat everyone the same, but, in reality, it ends up looking as though people are basically interchangeable to you, to be used or replaced at whim. Why? You don't recognize all the things that make each person an individual. Most importantly, by not properly acknowledging individuality, it doesn't occur to you that it's necessary to learn about and accommodate each person's unique set of needs, desires, preferences, sensitivities, identities, and personality traits.
To know how to honor people's individuality is related to your introverted development. Through developing Si and Fi, you'll better understand the importance of your own individuality, and why it's necessary to nurture and protect it. This then gradually allows you to see, respect, and fully appreciate other people's individuality as well.
IV. Weak or Inconsistent Values
Oftentimes, there isn't productive discussion about "what really happened" when feelings get hurt, people are emotionally reactive, and fingers are being pointed. In the end, the easiest way through the conflict is for someone to apologize and the other to forgive. Or else break up. Are these really the only two options?
Ts tend to understand insensitivity simply as "accidentally saying the wrong thing". However, this is a very superficial way of looking at it. While I understand that T insensitivity is usually not a result of maliciousness, others might not be capable of such insight when they're feeling hurt and emotional. Regardless of what you originally intended, what do others think when you behave insensitively?
Firstly, it shows them a kind of carelessness, thoughtlessness, or even callousness, depending on the severity of the infraction. When you are too loose and casual with something that is of great importance to someone, they will see you as not really caring about it and, by extension, not really caring about them.
Secondly, it shows them that there is something lacking in your moral values. When people observe that you don't value the same things as them, it brings into very sharp focus the differences between you, which makes it easier to lose sight of the commonalities. Without a strong sense of commonality or "being in it together", the foundation of the relationship starts to crack, the feeling of emotional connection erodes, and then the willingness to keep the relationship going weakens. The more that differences of values appear to build up between you, the faster the relationship deteriorates. This is true for friendship and romance.
These two points are meant to explain to you the process of how exactly insensitivity damages a relationship. It's not meant to trigger self-reproach, but to allow you more insight into how you are seen by others, so that you have an opportunity to change how you come across to them.
When Si and Fi are underdeveloped, the fact is that ESTJs don't hold much sacred. While this is a personal choice, it can come across to others as a negative trait if it leads you to unwittingly trample all over what they hold sacred. Developing Si and Fi should help you improve on this aspect of the problem. There are two prongs of attack:
(1) Preventative Measures: As I outlined earlier, be more thoughtful about topics that are controversial but of great importance to the people you're interacting with. Start by clarifying your beliefs and values and what you hold sacred. Then, learn more about what the other person believes, values, and holds sacred.
For relationship development: Appreciate and regularly reinforce the common ground between you. Also work to alleviate the differences between you, either by reconsidering your beliefs/values in light of the new information they provided, or finding a way to agree to disagree about the points that you haven't yet been able to reconcile together.
(2) Healing Measures: There's no use crying over spilled milk, throwing around blame, or punishing yourself with unending guilt. When something has already happened, accept the reality of it, and figure out how best to mend what was damaged or broken.
Healing is usually best achieved through open and honest communication, to properly process the event so that both parties can achieve a sense of closure and move on from any hard feelings. However, remember that you can't control how others feel, and strong emotions take time to fade away. Never expect immediate results. You can only try your best to put hard feelings to bed, and then allow the other person time and space to heal.
The first time you offended your friend, it was over a matter of privacy. As explained earlier, you could show your commitment to doing better by actively learning more about her privacy preferences, understanding the reasons behind those preferences, and making a vow to honor and protect them in the future.
The second time you offended her, it was because you did not give enough thought to or place enough value on something that has a great impact on her life. While it was unintentional, you still have to confront the hurt, otherwise, there's no moving forward. Perhaps you can explain how you didn't see it that way because your personal experience has been different, but, since you've had a chance to hear about how important it is to her, it is now important to you. If you want a close relationship with someone, what's important to them should be important to you as well, as a way to show care, consideration, and solidarity in helping to shoulder their hardships. When people have a strong belief and value system, one important way to show you care about them is to consistently step up and stand up for those beliefs and values as an ally.
To heal a conflict, you must reinstill confidence in the relationship. By taking time to properly understand her point of view and taking steps to show her that her beliefs and values are also important to you, she is more likely to feel reassured and regain confidence that the friendship is worth salvaging and nurturing.
