#fibro rant

[kurushimi-hime-hoshi]

i'm gonna vent about something really dumb right now so sorry in advance but i really wish i could afford to buy a lot more weed.

my weed tolerance is getting really bad but it's like the only thing that keeps me going with my fibromyalgia, anxiety, and depression. it doesn't work like magic that makes it all go away, but it makes everything more tolerable and helps me in so many way. I feel awful without it.

this means im using much more than i used and we don't have money for more because we only have one income because I cant work because my body is in too much pain all the time.

10 days since my last trip to the dispensary and I've already used about half of my month's supply. I'm so stressed about what to do for the rest of the month. I feel bad asking my husband to buy more because this month my other expensive fibromyalgia meds were refilled so we've spent a bit more than usual on "medications".

I already buy the cheapest weed possible and aim for bulk value and sale prices over varying strains. I've tried so many times this year to take tolerance breaks, and they've all led to me feeling completely miserable and ending it early. If I take a tolerance break I have to somehow feel better while simultaneously depriving myself of my medication.

I'm so sick of having that pressure on my body. If I could magically make myself feel better for a week or something, I would already do it. It's so frustrating. This whole illness is a variety of vicious cycles that rule every aspect of your life: sleep, hobbies, social energy, exercise, hygiene, work, school, food.... it's all shit.

Too much of anything is bad, not enough of anything is bad, doing things is bad, resting is bad, eating is bad, not eating is bad, sleeping is impossible, not sleeping is also somehow impossible.

I'm so sick of thisssssssssssssssss.

[yoikami]

AHAHAHA fibro sucks!! Today has been rainy so I did nothing but sleep! Just like I did yesterday! My body still hurts as much! I just want to sew 🙃 I'm so done I'll just do whatever the frick I want and get hurt I don't care anymore.

[kurushimi-hime-hoshi]

So I just read a friend's facebook post about how she felt recieving her fibromyalgia diagnosis, and it felt like a smack in the face. It's dramatically written about how she was dreading to hear it and she cried and her mom cried... it feels so shitty to hear someone describe being diagnosed with a condition I had my whole life as if it was a death sentence. I know her situation is different than mine and of course I believe she is totally entitled to feel the way she feels, but it just hurts to read. It makes me feel bad.

I didn't cry when I was diagnosed. To me it was like finally being validated after a decade of suffering and various medical testing.

For her, she was in a car accident that left her with CRPS and so so many other complications. So adding fibro on top of that is just sucks.

I can sympathize. That totally sucks. Fibro sucks. All of her conditions sucks.

But it's also like a great big reminder that my life sucks too...

[threeopossumsinacoat]

.

Fml today.

My arm hurts so bad i want to rip it off my body. I think it would hurt less. The only way it doesn't hurt is if i hold it in a very specific position and dont move at all

And the fibro is fogging. Im pretty sure i fed the dog lunch but 🙃 i cant remember

[mypanicface]

.

[mollynix]

Ranting once again from your truly

I read and read and read on Facebook on support groups for fibromyalgia about (in sarcastic annoying girly scratch your eyes out with a fork voice) "this pill" "have you taken this med" " I am worse then you" " I had fibro before they even knew it was fibro" "my disability." I ask questions like dose anyone not take pills?Anyone workout? Dose anyone work? Dose anyone have seizures? ( I woke up in a dazed very fearfully not knowing shit and have a fear of having one in my sleep lately) dose anyone go paralyzed? Guess what.... no fucking comments. It drives me nuts. I take one pill twice a day for sever migraines. I have a tendency to blackout. It looks like someone turned off my light. It scares the shit out of my husband. No medication they have put me on helps so I gave up. I fight thru pain. I still manage to drive to the gym after an eight hour shift. I work out for an hour and a half to two hours. I cry. I won't lie. Wtf....

Moral of the story...

Your a support group not a who who is worse the who group.

Advice

Encouragement

Support

[attackofthezee]

oh god I drank coffee to try and keep my migraine from flaring up more today, but now I feel like I'm gonna throw up cause my stomach didn't like it.

doing something to help with one thing that only ends up fucking up another thing is basically my life.

[attackofthezee]

I'm going to take a moment to vent about being sick in the form of a tumblr post, because there are people I know I could say all this to and they wouldn't mind. They'd listen just fine, but I can't ever seem to talk about how I feel with anyone. And that's me, that's all on me because I'm bad at talking about the negative in my life, at least for more than a sentence to go "Agkhadkhad" and then move on. I cannot focus. Sometimes it's a complete lack of focus, the inability to think of a single thing to say or concentrate on the same thing for more than a minute, other times it's as simple as going to talk and not being able to remember a certain word that I just used. They're both frustrating in their own special ways. I hurt. I hurt all the time. And if I mention I hurt to someone it's because I have been hurting for so long, or so bad that it actually seems relevant. Because it doesn't otherwise. Because I've dealt with pain for so long, that it's background noise at this point. Until I've had a migraine for two to three weeks it doesn't matter to me. I was diagnosed with fibro at 12, and I had symptoms for years before that, so I have been continuously in pain for over half my life. I'm only 22, that's not how it's supposed to fucking add up. I am tired. One of my symptoms is a lack of restful sleep. I don't cycle through the sleep states properly, so when I wake up I'm still tired. Add on Chronic Fatigue to that, and I am exhausted. I am exhausted all the time. I couldn't go to school in high school because I only had enough energy to make it three days a week and then I'd spend the rest of the night sleeping after I got home. When I do anything big, and by big I mean something like a whole day spent at the mall, I spend the next few days laid up in bed unable to do anything. All of that isn't even the tip of the iceberg of issues I'm having right now. The point though is that even when I don't say I hurt, or that I'm tired, I do and I am, and I think most of the time people don't realize that. Because there's no flashing signs with fibro and cfids, there's no clear cut way of seeing that the person with it is at most times miserable, especially not if you're not screaming it from the mountains how shitty you feel.