#fluctuating attraction

[greyro-problems]

I feel like I'm a bad person for having attract/repulse fluctuations to romance. I feel like I'm leading on my fwb even though they knew i was greyro before we started hooking up. I also feel like the conditional boundaries I've set are abusive; I'm just so used to having all-or-nothing relationships, and sometimes I can't tell what's a healthy boundary and what's not. My attract/repulse fluctuates during different circumstances and I feel like I'm just broken and can't love unconditionally

First of all, sorry it took me so long to answer this ask. To be honest, I don’t really feel qualified to give any advice on this at all - I’m just a university kid with a tumblr blog, not any kind of professional on relationships.

That being said, the one thing I’m actually comfortable saying is: talk to your fwb about this. And if you still feel like you’re hurting them/setting abusive boundaries, maybe consider going to an actual relationship therapist/counsellor or something similar. There are quite a few ressources for LGBT+ therapists online, so you might be able to find someone in your area who isn’t fixated on “traditional” hetero relationships. (I’d provide links, but since I don’t know which country or even continent you’re from, it’s probably easier if you look for that yourself). Also - if you’re in university, many universities offer free psychological councelling, so that might be something to look into.

And on a side note - I think “unconditional love” is kind of bullsh*t. The only time when people really love someone unconditionally, without even noticing the other person’s flaws, is imo during those first few hormone-fuelled days/weeks of crushing and falling in love - after that any (good) relationship depends on communication and making compromises. Quite unsurprisingly, that’s when many couples separate again, because they start to notice that their differences are too big and they simply want different things in a relationship/aren’t willing to make certain compromises after all. So I wouldn’t strive for unconditional love - but I would try to communicate and be open for compromises, instead of looking at the relationship in an all-or-nothing kind of way. You definitely aren’t broken or a bad person for struggling with this - but it’s good to recognize that you might have to work on those parts yourself/with the help of a professional.

I’m sorry that I can’t offer any real help/advice for this and I hope that you can find a professional/get better soon!

[bifaq]

Hi, I have probably a strange and odd question and I'm sorry to be a bother but... Is it normal to go through phases? Like for a certain time girls were much more appealing to me then boys, but now boys are more appealing to me then girls, and that kinda just keeps on continuing? And it's so confusing because sometimes it's 'Am I just a lesbian?' And sometimes it's just 'am I straight?'. I'm asking because I really want to know if this is normal or Im just weird? Again sorry to bother

There’s no need to apologize, anon! We are an ask blog and we’re here for your questions! :-)

Generally: If you’re experiencing it, it’s normal - that doesn’t always mean it’s okay, but if it’s not hurting anyone (either you or others) then it probably is that, too!

But I’m assuming your question is “do other people experience this, too”, and the answer is yes. I’ve heard this from a lot of bi people, and experienced quite a bit of it myself. Sometimes attractions keep fluctuating, sometimes they do that for a while and then settle on something, sometimes they are constant for a while and then fluctuate again. All of that is okay.

If you feel like your identity is better described by changing your label every now and then, that’s fine, too. If you still want an identity on the bi spectrum, but highlight the fluctuating part, maybe biflux is for you. If you’re happy with bi, then yay, stay with it!

- mod platypus