Under cut because you all dont need to read my upset ramblings if you dont want to.
I've been nearly reduced to tears a few times now at work when old people that knew my gran decide to bring it up with me when I'm trying to get on with my job.
'It'll be odd for you at Christmas, wont it?'
'Oh, I do miss your gran an awful lot.'
'She was a lovely woman.'
Yes. Yes, it's actually pretty horrific to be approaching my first ever Christmas without my gran, knowing that I'm never going to see her again. Thanks for bringing it up at my place of work where I have no privacy to escape to.
I thought I was dealing with grief pretty well, but it's hitting me really hard right now. I don't know if it's the time of year, or because I used to go a month or two without seeing her directly when I was at uni, so I got...I dunno... Used to not seeing her all the time. But it's really starting to sink in now that it's not just going to be a little while before I can see her again.
It's forever.
And every time I think of it it hits me like a ton of bricks, and there's this weight in my chest and tightness in my throat that just doesn't go away...
And whenever random people who I don't even know to say hello to bring it up, 9 times out of 10 they leave me trying to cover up the fact that all I can think of is that night when I had to call for an Ambulance and 45 minutes later the doctor was telling us they couldn't bring her back.
what is wrong with people. of course it's going to upset me. I'm her grandchild and I have never know life without her.
Shit...it think this is going to be a far worse time of year than I was expecting.
I now knew there was no such thing as a broken heart. It will go on beating to taunt you and mock you and tell you that even in grief it is indestructible and full of love.
