A lot of things stress me out but this one in particular situation seems to be driving me crazy. Making this long story a bit shorter, I have feelings for a friend and he MAY or may not have feelings for me back. We’ve said before we were okay with being friends (with the occasional benefits) and it’s worked out pretty great. But it seems (at least to me) things have kind of changed as of late. I do want to tell him how I feel, but the problem is I’m afraid of the outcome, and not the one you;d assume. I normally can’t deal with rejection, but honestly if he didn’t feel the same I’d be alright. We’d continue to be friends and nothing would really have to change. I know him well enough to know that would be true. I’m actually afraid of if he does feel the same, because what happens then? Our friendship has been really good, along with comforting, trusting, and safe. And I like that. I do believe it would be worth it to find out but at the same time, if we happen to move forward with our friendship/relationship, what if it ruins the overall friendship? Who’s to say what the outcome would be. I really don’t want to lose him as a friend, which is why I’m so fucking torn. I honestly think he and I could be really good together, but my thinking far too much makes me worry about the long term effects. I wish I could forget about it and let things just sort of “happen” on its own but unfortunately my mind won’t let me work in that way. Am I over thinking and overanalyzing this? Most likely, but I can’t help it. Reply if you’d like, but this was mostly just to hopefully help clear my mind a bit.
What I really fear?
That you'll eventually find someone better to replace me with. It's happened to me before with others, it's only a matter of time before our time ends.
Do you get hurt when your friends exclude you?… your brain's dorsal anterior cingulate cortex thinks so, equating exclusion with bullying!
Being left out sucks – from a party, event, conversation, and it’s so much easier now to discover just how excluded you’ve been because of our addiction to social media. You see your friend’s Post with happy party-goers – We’re all having so much fun (and you weren’t there) – haha.
A Friend Confession
Why do we have these reactions? There are plenty more parties to attend. Then, I read about brain’s dorsal anterior cingulate cortex:
“When a person is ostracized, the brain's dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury,” Kipling D. Williams, a Purdue professor of psychological sciences said. “The process of ostracism includes three stages: the initial acts of being ignored or excluded, coping and resignation.” Click here for full article – Purdue University, University News Service (May 10, 2011).
The Pain of Exclusion
Williams discusses how exclusion is a kind of emotional bullying, leaving scars deeper than physical scars.
"Being excluded by high school friends, office colleagues, or even spouses or family members can be excruciating.” Williams says. “And because ostracism is experienced in three stages, the life of those painful feelings can be extended for the long term. People and clinicians need to be aware of this so they can avoid depression or other negative experiences."
If this happens to me again, I’m going to work on my three-step approach. LTR’s – Listen, Think and Respond:
1. Listen - to the person who is excluding me. I had a friend, a single mom, who started excluding when I got engaged. Suddenly, all the family meal invitations vanished.
2. Think – how is my brain responding to this? I don’t really know what her reasons are for excluding me, maybe it’s jealousy, maybe it’s a sign that it’s time to move on… and although it hurt, at least I was clearer about this friendship and it’s limitations.
3. Respond – I sent her a few loving emails, which weren’t returned. And, as I have a three phone call or email limit, this friendship went into hibernation. And, I was kind to myself and didn’t go into “what did I do?” I got engaged, that’s what I did, and for whatever reason she didn’t like it. I refused to act like the victim in her “play,” so I walked off the stage… for now.
Clearly if a dear friend is suffering for being excluded, I would suggest that my friend address the issue more deeply – go to a counselor, medical professional. Read Williams full article for more clarity and insights into the scientific studies on this volatile issue.
What I have learned is show kindness to friends, and don't knowingly exclude them from “the circle of trust.”
Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. All opinions are just that, and not to be interpreted as professional medical or therapeutic advice.
I'm so confused by some people's relationships with others.
Not boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, but friendships. Like..i just.. I don't understand. If you do not like someone, then don't be friends with them. If they are annoying you, tell them so. If you wish they would just go away, confront them (or if all else fails ad it comes down to it, ignore them).
Granted I'm guilty of some bad friendships in the past, but I'm getting better at distinguishing who I can actually call my friend.
I understand having to tolerate an unfriendly boss or coworker, but friends, well friends you get to choose.
