All About Friends

A way to empower your life through friends!

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Friend lies and forgiveness

  Image by Infomatique at flickr.com

When I was a teenager a friend in our Saturday night group confessed a secret, she had a brain tumor. Shocked and upset we all rallied around and supported her. She was going in for an operation, which always seemed to get postponed. Through all of this, she remained hopeful yet somber. The brain tumor was a lie that lead to many other friend lies that lasted months. No tumor no operation no recovery.

I realize now is that she was looking for love. Seeking out attention like this was a clever way to rally her friends around her. Give her emotional support at that time because, as I remember, she had mood swings and was often somber. We put it down to the operation, of course.

We rally around friends who are sick or break a leg, and especially those going in for brain surgery. However, we are not so quick to rally for a friend who demands attention because they’re depressed. Mental anguish isn’t as tangible, you can’t make a chicken casserole to help their pain go away.

The brain tumor was a lie, yet her pain wasn’t.

Breaking the Cycle of Friend Lies

If this incident happened today, I’d ask her what was really going on in her life. What does she want from her friends right now? And what does she feel she’s not getting from friends or life that she has to lie?

If one friend had questioned and listened to her, she may have revealed her suffering and what was really going on in her life. But, we were all teens and too self-involved to see the pain behind this action.

Friend lies can simply be a cover up for suffering. (Find help tips for depression.)

Let Go Your Lies

One friend asked me, what if I’ve lied – what can I do? If you can, sit down with the friend you lied to and let that person know why you lied. Then, express what you were really feeling at the time and why you felt the need to lie to them.

You may be surprised how many friends know the truth but are waiting for you to open the conversation.

Be safe, be careful, change your lies into truths as this, my dear friends, is the path to a healthier and happy life.

Remember… a great friends starts with you!

Story caveat: If confessing a lie will cause you or a friend harm, I strongly suggest you seek out legal or therapeutic counseling first.

If you liked this post check out “Friend or Friendly - can you tell the difference?“ and “How to Make New Friends,” and send us your feedback!

Image courtesy: Infomatique at flickr.com

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com & GshawMedia 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

5 tips to find a supportive friend

Malik Stalbert teaching martial arts

Many years ago when I was a teenager, a friend left me and another friend to fend off a group of guys looking for trouble. She got away and instead of acting on the danger she left us in, she went home and went to bed. When I asked her what she’d planned on doing, she said, “Oh, if I hadn’t of heard from you the next day, I would’ve done something.” Gee, thanks… so much for a supportive friend. Luckily, we got away unharmed.

During my discussion with Malik on his five action points, it didn’t surprise me when he said choose friends who have a sense of fight. Even though he's a martial arts instructor, he's not talking about physical fights. This week Malik shares his Action 2. (Check out Action 1 at the end of the post.)

Malik’s Action 2

Just think about a friend who you’ve spent a lot of time with because the person is in a negative situation. You spend half a year or more helping them to navigate through their stressful time. Then you discover that they went back to exactly what they were doing before. You wasted your energy to help them fight a battle that they didn't follow through on.

You’ve got the right to complain as long as it goes toward understanding the problem and coming up with solutions; as long as you’re trying to fight I’ll be there for you and with you.

Qualities of a fight

Understanding the tension that is involved and not trying to relieve the tension right away. That’s how it starts mentally.

You should be able to fight with a friend verbally and keep your friendship intact. What happens too often, you become friends with people who don’t have that fight in them, so in order to get a response you start to get more aggressive and personal with them.

Sometimes people don’t like verbal fights, and prefer to go back and forth with ideas on a subject – well, that’s still a fight, that’s just the Tai Chi version of a fight.

Regardless of what you do in life, you will run into conflicts, so everyone has to fight at some point, but not everyone has fight. Some choose to run. Try to avoid the people who choose to run away.

Just say you’re being held up and you know you’re out-gunned, and get away. Well, guess what… calling the cops means that you’re still fighting. If you run and hide in the closet and don’t tell anybody then that means you have no fight. The cops come to you and you say, “Oh, no, I don’t want any problems.” Well, that’s a problem.

I know that at some point in my life I will be in a fight, and I want people around me who trying understand how to protect themselves and support me. This helps both parties grow.

We dance around the word fight, but knowing your fight is important because we live in a world with all kinds of people. Seeing mental techniques of a fight is important to understand, especially in the world of business.

Here’s a story that will help you understand this point. I was at the tennis court and a police officer came by and he said, “I could kick you guys off because you’re guests here, but I see you’re not doing anything wrong.” But then he kept saying, you guys need to learn to respect people because you’re just guests here.

My friend is there and he belongs to this tennis club, so I said to my friend “Dude, why don’t you tell him you’re not a guest.” So, I turn to the officer and say “He actually belongs to this club.” So you see what’s happening, I’m fighting with the cop to let the officer know that my friend is a member and has the right to be here with the people who he’s with.

My friend decided not to fight, he decided to sit there and be beat down, and have his friends be called all types of names, and I wouldn’t let that stand. All he had to say was, “I’m a member of this club and these are my friends.” That’s all the fight he needed to clear up any misunderstanding. But, he didn’t.

We all need someone looking out for us. Be a supportive friend and stand up for your friends.

Remember… a great friend starts with you!

Go to Malik's first Action "How to meet & make successful friends" and another inspiring post, “How do your work friends help you?“ We'd love to hear from you... send us your feedback!

Image courtesy: Image by Malik Stalbert

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com / GshawMedia 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

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How to love a self-obsessed friend.

A few months back, I set up a call with an old friend who I hadn’t spoken to in a while. After she asked her three perfunctory questions – health, husband, work, the rest of the conversation was a stream of consciousness that went on for an hour. Nothing urgent, or out of the ordinary, just family, and stuff. All good and all about her. Is she a self-obsessed friend?

Does she have poor listening skills? Could be. Or, a low emotional IQ - EQ? Possibly.

We tend to put these so-called self-obsessed friends in a box, label them under “Call again in 6 months,” and then go on with our lives.

What if you stopped and listened, dug deeper, and discovered what’s really going on. So often, we’re very quick to roll our eyes and dismiss these friends.

"Ask not what your friends can do for you, ask what you can do for your friends."

Through the looking-glass

You chose this person as your friend, remember. So what attracted you to them in the first place?

My self-obsessed friend is a fun and smart and quite the bon vivant. Until, that is, I realized that much of her behavior was a mask, hiding a deeper pain and addiction.

During our phone call, her stream of consciousness was not really what it seemed. It wasn't so much about “me, me, me” but in her own way she was letting me know that her life was back on an even keel. Her boat was in a safe harbor and, for now, sheltered from life's stormy seas.

And that’s fine by me. I revised her label years ago when I dropped my own judgment to try to understood her motivations. It’s more meaningful for her to communicate her well-being than me demanding an equal time share on the wi-fi waves.

Take a moment to listen beyond the words, increase your own emotional IQ and find out what’s really being communicated.

Listen, Think, Respond:

Listen – I heard what my friend was communicating without judging what she was saying. Becoming an active listener about what's going on, rather than worrying whether you didn't say anything during the hour. Really hear what she was saying - target her concerns and issues.

Think – understand what she's communicating. Did she appear happier than usual, sadder. Was she struggling with her family or job. Think about how you can shift the conversation to your mutual interests. She may be chatting away because you haven't interrupted her flow. So, pipe in and shift the conversation. If she goes back to the same topic, remind her that you have a hard-time out and there's some ideas you want to share. Set up these strategies before your phone call, as if it's a job interview.

Respond – address her life, and repeat her concerns back to her quickly so she can make her point in 5 minutes as opposed to 20 minutes. If, through your listening and thinking you realize she believes her life is more important, don't compete but set down some terms.

If she continues regardless, make sure you have a hard-out time in future. Suggest, making shorter more frequent calls - as her behavior may be showing signs of loneliness rather than her self obsession. If this connection becomes unfulfilling for you after attempting to keep the conversation mutually focused, be kind and slowly move her from the A or B-Lister friends to an Extra in your friend network.

Explore the different angles for better communication and then take action.

Remember… a great friend starts with you.

For more inspiration go to “How do you handle demanding friends? QUIZ” and "My Self-Centered Friend Quiz: Does This Friend Rule Your Life?" and send us your feedback! We'd love to hear your stories too!!

Image courtesy: Wikimedia Commons (Public Domain)

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com / Gshawmedia.com 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

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Do you have a negative friend? QUIZ

Photo by Infomatique at flickr.com

CLICK IMAGE TO TAKE QUIZ

While having a negative friend may be hard to deal with, science shows that they can’t help it! We’re all hard-wired to react to negative information more strongly than positive information for survival.

Studies show (see Prospect Theory) that people find it more distressing to lose $1,000 than feel elated and rewarded by winning $1,000.

Why?

However, if your banana tree is a cornucopia and you decide to head further in the forest. You spot another banana tree and jump up and down with joy. It’s a reward, and our brain loves a reward. But those bananas are a bonus tree and your survival doesn’t depend on them. You won the forest lottery, and enjoy its bounty.

Number 1 is your salary and Number 2 is your end of year bonus.

Many have overcome these basic negative traits of seeing the banana tree half empty, while others find changing their negative attitudes difficult.

Negative Friends Do It The Hard-Wired Way!

Negative friends range from mildly annoying to extremely taxing. If you’re invested in this friendship it’s time to change the conversation. There are techniques to overcome negativity, but saying to a friend “don’t be so negative” is not one of them.

Cognitive therapy helps redirect your thought patterns.

“One obvious solution is to walk away from them. But this is easier said than done… A more practical approach to dealing with them is to start by understanding the reasons for their negativity,” Raj Raghunathan, Ph.D. in Sapient Nature, “Dealing with Negative People,” Psychology Today, March 19, 2013.

Remember… an aware friend starts with you!

If you liked this post check out “How to Make New Friends“ and “How to Make Long Distance Friends Active.”

We want to hear from you - if you've got a story or question, your welcome to send us an email at the Contact Us page.

Image courtesy: Photograph by Infomatique at flickr.com

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

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Are You Realistic about Business Friends?

Based on image by Gigillo83

Who do you invite to support your business or career project? Business friends are powerful allies, choose wisely and don't confuse their value with one size fits all friends. I’ve confused their contribution in my friend network but quickly learned about a business friend who was just that, a solid business friend.

Attracting people who provide you with the power to launch your project, business, internships or mentorship is a great friend endeavor. If you want solid information and no one in your current friend group has that information reach out and create a specialty friend group. I call these folk power players. They may not be in your life for the long haul, but they can sure have a long-term impact.

“What exactly do you want Mr. Biz to do?” Al asked.

“Well, help with the business side. Do the budgets, get traction with clients.”

“And is he doing that?”

“Well, yes, but he’s never offered networking opportunities or introduced me to his wife.”

“Why would he introduce to his wife?” Al asked.

“Because we’ve known each other for years, we’re friends.”

“What’s that got to do with knowing his wife? Who do you call if you need a budget template?”

“Mr. Biz.”

“Is he cool about it when you ask for business stuff like that?”

“Yes,” I replied sheepishly.

“Sometimes you have to pigeonhole people.” OK, so think inside the box. “Don’t wreck it by expecting him to do this or that… this guy serves you well; concentrate on that.”

“Is that a friend?”

“I don’t know, but its good policy, and you won’t drive yourself crazy expecting more from him than what he’s willing to offer.”

In our short conversation, I got a dose of Al's cognitive counseling. Now I concentrate on Mr. Biz's generosity and spirit in what he could offer me in business, and not demand my version of friendship. And most importantly, he’s trustworthy – the opinions we shared in the office, stayed in the room.

I consider him a power player in my life.

Change the way you think and approach your business friends, because remember...  a great friend starts with you!

Check out “How Friend Networks Contribute to Your Net Worth!“ and “Would You Ditch Flaky Friends?” and send us your feedback!

Have you got a friend issue, let us know... go to the contact page!

Image courtesy: Gigillo83 [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com / Gshawmedia.com 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

How to meet & make successful friends!

Malik Stalbert

How do you make successful friends? Malik Stalbert is a black belt martial arts professional and trainer as well as an IT executive. Through years of working with his clients on and off the dojo mat, Malik has developed innovative ideas on how to make successful friends. He shares his top 5 Friend Actions with Super Friend Groups.

This week he discusses his first action for successful friends:

Action 1: Clear Purpose & Direction

Look for someone who has a clear purpose and understanding of what they need to do in their own and who have a life plan. You’re talking about inviting them into your life and if they don’t know where they’re going they’ll syphon off your energy.

The more they understand where they’re going – the better it will be for you and that’s who you want in your life. They don’t have to be doing their “purpose or plan” but they must have an understanding of what they need to do. Why? Your energy is geared towards your family, so when you get to your friends they’re not supposed to be relying on you.

Your friends must help build you, and you help build them. Think as if you're building a building together. Move forward.

Sometimes you have friends who do the complete opposite of you; think the complete opposite of you and you’re only friends because you met through someone else. They may be inviting you to this and that but your energies don’t mesh yet you still call them friends. These people syphon too much energy.

Know the difference between finding a true friend and people who like having a group of friends. There’s a group of guys who meet every Thursday, say. They watch the football or basketball game, and they go drinking, and sometimes they may go partying. Then they go home, and get up and go to UPS, you know go to work and that’s it. That’s good for them. They’re not looking for real friends, they’re looking for a social grouping.

When you’re looking for friends you’ve got to find out if they do this social grouping thing and if so, is it just a routine for them. You can see that they have no more purpose to build individual connections outside of that structure. Then, eventually what happens is that Jennifer wants to get a project going, and one of the “grouping” friends says he’ll help you lift some of the stuff.

He says ‘I can help you Wednesday.’ But, he doesn’t show up. You call and go, ‘Hey, Jim why didn’t you show up?’ And he says, ‘Oh, yeah, I completely forgot about it. I can do it next week.’ It’s not that important to him to fulfill his friend commitments.

He’s about the social grouping and not friend building which involves follow-through, commitment and purpose.

Meeting and making successful friends, is about laying a solid foundation for your friend network that helps your life.

For friends who want to develop a backbone not a wishbone!

Remember… successful friends begins here!

If you liked this post check out “Is it hard for you to make close friends? QUIZ" and “Plug in for better friend connections!” and send us your feedback!

Image courtesy: Malik Stalbert

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com / Gshawmedia 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

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Giving me feedback? Think again, my critical friend!

Image by Erik Wannee via Wikimedia Commons

So you criticize a friend, big deal, get over it. There was a friend years’ back who was constantly criticized by a dear yet critical friend – “why don’t you drink red wine, it’s better for you,” “can’t believe you still live in Los Angeles, the people are so shallow there.” Hmmm… if this’s friend feedback, pass me the Jack Daniels and ice!

Your brain on critical friend overload!

I was reading an “ASK, Don’t Tell” email newsletter from Jon Prattlet, a leadership and team development executive and executive coach, based in Australia. In his newsletter, Jon points out what goes on in your brain when you’re giving someone (good or bad) feedback:

You get into fight or flight mode;

Blood goes from your brain to your muscles (to prep for the fight or flight),

Your peripheral vision goes (focusing your brain);

It’s harder to collaborate.

All this brain activity goes on when your friend hears feedback, can you imagine the stress that’s going on inside when you’re criticizing your friend.

Electrifying friend feedback!

Friend feedback is essential for growing and inspiring. So, what works for the brain? Based on John Prattlet’s leadership coaching solutions – check out Jon’s video; we’ll see how we can utilize these questions to find friend solutions.

1. What works for you living in Los Angeles? Listen to their answer – “Love being around media and this’s where the jobs are, with meeting lots of interesting people.” 2. Acknowledge your friend: “You were always in school plays, and really were great at video in high school.” 3. What doesn’t work for you? “No real romance, everyone is busy or on the move – or out-of-town on a project.” 4. Then, offer your thoughts and collaborate on solutions. “Have you thought about looking outside Los Angeles for a love partner, where there’s more emphasis on family?”

As Jon Prattlet says, “These build people’s confidence, in their own ability to self-acknowledge, and self-correct.” By collaborating with them you can find real solutions with friend feedback.

Remember, a great friend starts with you!

For more helpful great friends tips check out “Does Your Argumentative Style Hurt Friends?" and “Friends and Lies.”

Critical Friend image courtesy: By Erik Wannee (Mijn eigen hand, ingescand.) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com / Gshawmedia 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

Friend or Friendly - Can you tell the difference?

Image by VectorOpenStock via Wikimedia Commons

Guest, Angelica Holiday, shares her ideas on Friend or Friendly?

While chatting to Sara (my very young 70 neighbor), I blurted out “friend or friendly.” Sara paused and repeated my statement, “friend or friendly.” Before she could answer the question, I did so for her. “She’s not your friend Sara, she’s taking advantage of you.” I was trying to explain the difference between who is a friend and who is friendly.

Sara was born in London and grew up in Israel. Living through the blitz then on a kibbutz, Sara found it difficult to make lasting friendships. Seeking out quick connections and “being friendly,” was more her style. Even as she proceeded into adulthood, she didn’t make deeper connections. Since I’ve known her, those I’ve seen her embrace as if her life depended on it are those who take, take, take from her.

Although the word friend is a noun and the term being friendly is an adjective, they both, in their own way require a lot of thought. It’s not unusual that many refer to someone who they’ve met 5 minutes ago as a friend. “Social media friends are often imaginary.” These connections are all often based on a fleeting yet good feeling.

This behavior is becoming more common for people of every age. Recently, closer to home, I questioned a gal pal, when she used the label, “friend.” Every time she meets someone casually for a short time, she’ll call that person a friend.

After working in Hollywood and Beverly Hills for more than 15 years, I understood the truth about double cheek air kissing and the deluge of back-stabbing that could follow. Air kissing does not a friend or friendship make, I don’t think so.

I found that “doing lunch” and going for drinks were strategic hunting missions, not the basis of trust, which for me is a requirement for a friend. I figured that I would offer a friendly alternative, a walk on the beach. I don’t have to share a meal with a colleague to do my job or plan a business strategy.

The friend or friendly debate is a super way to evaluate one’s self. I’m not without fault yet want to be the best friend I can be. Since I am a super observer, I want to look beyond social protocols of friendliness and become a searcher of my own true friend soul.

Am I a friend or friendly? A friend is a marriage and being friendly is like flirting. I know when I am flirting. I’m a great flirt. I like to bring zing to everybody's day.

On the other hand, when I marry I want to bring compassion, trust and longevity into this connection. I am looking for a future husband who will be my best friend.

Hopefully the way to connect on a deeper level will enrich and inspire my friend experiences, and that’s what I wanted to share with Sara.

- Angelica Holiday: A veteran of talent agenting and managing in reality TV. She then built a bridge to the digital age when her TV died 15 years ago. She believes the future of branding is now. Her areas of professional interest include the digital Everest of advertising, marketing, PR, traditional media, radio and branding. On the horizon, branding a band and learning more about online gaming.

Image courtesy: Champagne glasses image by VectorOpenStock (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons; and Angelica Holiday.

If you liked this post check out "How to Make New Friends" and "How Listening Empowers Your Network - QUIZ" and we'd love to hear your feedback.

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com / GshawMedia 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

Would you give a friend money? Even an old friend?

Image by MediaPhoto.Org via Wiki Commons

My friend Brittany asked my opinion about an out-of-the-blue email she received from a former colleague and friend, Chris, who she hadn’t seen in more than 5 years. Chris was asking Brittany to give her $100. Would you give this friend money?

Brittany, strapped for money herself, offered Chris a place to stay for a few nights. “No thanks,” Chris responded, she wanted to stay in her hotel room – over $100 a night.

During this back and forth another mutual friend, Paula, got involved. Paula sent Chris $100; the monthly offering she gives to her church, but decided to give it to Chris instead. After receiving the “tithed” $100… Chris asked Paula for another $100 the next day.

Remember, neither Brittany or Paula have seen or heard from Chris in at least 5 years. Because Paula didn’t send Chis another $100, Chis (wrongly) accused Brittany of talking Paula out of giving her that second $100.

Whatever the reason Chris had contacting her old colleagues, this brings up a bigger discussion about what are your protocols about gifting or loaning a friend money.

The Friend Money Tree

Brittany asked my opinion as the Friend Whisperer (or loud speaker at times), because it drives me crazy that people don't prep for this possibility.

My answer: There is no right or wrong answers to this question only pre-planning about how much you're willing to gift or loan a friend money. You may gift money to any friend in need, while others may prefer to only gift close friends.

However, set up a clear protocol ahead of time. If you don't, often your money decisions will be emotional rather than rational and you may regret gifting or loaning your friend money a month or two later.

Pre-plan your commitments about money and avoid loaning or gifting more than you can afford.

What are you willing to gift to an old friend? Remember Brittany was going to give her place to stay for a couple of nights = $200 plus. How much friend money would you gift to a close buddy?

A gift is not an investment – you mustn't expect something in return, whereas a loan is an investment, you expect that money back.

For the following, think about writing up a document: How much can you afford to lose? How much would you loan an old friend? How much would you loan a close friend?

The more you plan ahead of time, the better prepared you will be. So many times you are taken off guard, feel that you should loan or gift a friend and feel cornered. By planning, avoid a knee-jerk reaction to their request.

Write out responses: “Unfortunately I am unable to help you right, I’m on a budget myself, so won’t be able to help you at this time. Take care and good luck with your job interview.” “This is the donation that I usually give to my _____ but your request moved me so here’s the amount for the next month. So happy to send you this one-time gift.”

Focus on compassion for both you and your friend – that means you offer or loan what’s comfortable for you at the time of the request.

Remember, a compassionate friend starts with you!

If you liked this post check out “I Have Jealous Friends What can I Do?" and “Facing Fears & Friends,” and send us your feedback!

Image courtesy: By MediaPhoto.Org (mediaphoto.org Own work) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com / GshawMedia 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

Top 10 Friend Tips for 30-somethings

Image by Bartdomanski via Wikimedia Commons

In your 30s your cognitive skills decrease you general knowledge increases as we discuss later in the post. But for now, let these top friend tips inspire you!

Here’s 10 top friend tips for finding lasting relationships in your 30s:

Location becomes important in your 30s. Your work friends are important. However, you’ll be surprised by how few of these hard-working, drinking and hang out buddies will stay with you when you get a new position. Know the difference between office friends and friends with true shared affinity.

For many, suddenly your children’s friend’s parents will be your new best friend for car pooling and sharing child minding. Realize that these friends inadvertently have been selected through your child, and aren’t necessarily forever. Even if you love them passionately for taking your kiddlie winks for the night when your babysitter doesn’t turn up. Once your children grow, well…

Develop your protocol on how to assess those friends who truly support your long-term purpose and the ones who are wonderful and available through your different life transitions.

Sharing confidences and secrets with those single purpose friends can be dicey and may come back to haunt you. Establish boundaries, and as one of my friend admits, sometimes it takes 2 ½ years to really know someone else. Take the time to get to know that someone else.

Ditch or downgrade (to coffee once a month) the always-got-an-issue-I-can’t-solve friend. Ask yourself how many weekends are you willing to comfort them? Can’t find love, the job sucks, they’re too fat, thin, under appreciated. They have the right to complain for 6 months (that’s my boundary) for a huge life shift – divorce or major job move. After that, it’s up to them to find resources to help themselves. Be compassionate to others and yourself.

Friend disputes are an important part of friendship, not the upset part but how you navigate through your mediation process. You don’t know if you have a really valuable friend until you’ve been through this “character building exercise.”

Stay in regular contact with close friends from your past – regardless if your career’s booming, or if you live out of state, or have children. Skype call – these are your memory keepers and will give you love and distance from your daily life’s annoying hiccups.

Find ways to have face time with your friends. Meet half way or have mini vacations together. Friend Quality Time. Re-establish that connective tissue that helps real friendships thrive. Often we can tell more what’s up in a friend’s life through their micro expressions and intuition than social media, emails or phone calls.

Look for friends who love to be active outside their job and family. Book clubs, college classes, motivational workshops, a special interest blog, a community volunteer day, a fun adventure. Spend time improving yourself with your friends.

You make lots of friends in your 30s which is a terrific way to grow. However, be clear about your values so you take the real keepers into your 40s – 60s.

Friends, Health and the Brain

Many studies have found that the deeper connections you make with friends the more you’re likely to not get sick less frequently and get better faster.

“Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. There's no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer.” UCLA Study On Friendship Among Women – updated Jan 1 2014

Your Brain at Age 30

And, find out about what happens when your brain ages:

Some aspects of peoples' cognitive skills – such as the ability to make rapid comparisons, remember unrelated information and detect relationships – peak at about the age of 22, and then begin a slow decline starting around age 27. "This research suggests that some aspects of age-related cognitive decline begin in healthy, educated adults when they are in their 20s and 30s," said Timothy Salthouse, a University of Virginia professor of psychology and the study's lead investigator . . . Many of the participants in Salthouse's study were tested several times during the course of years, allowing researchers to detect subtle declines in cognitive ability.

A notable decline in certain measures of abstract reasoning, brain speed and in puzzle-solving became apparent at 27.

Salthouse found that average memory declines can be detected by about age 37. However, accumulated knowledge skills, such as improvement of vocabulary and general knowledge, actually increase at least until the age of 60." Annalee Newitz, "Your Brain Starts Deteriorating By Age 27, Say Neuroscientists" io9 (Brains 3/20/09)

Be friend-wise in your 30s and thrive in your 40s plus!

Remember… a great friend starts with you.

Also, check out “Top 10 Friend Tips for 20-somethings" and “How to Be on a Winning Team with Great Friends” - we'd love to hear your comments and feedback!

Image courtesy: By Bartdomanski (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

Friends 4th Celebration Treat!

Strawberry Shortcake Meringue Cookies

Image by Diary of a Mad Hausfrau dot com

Remember… a great friend starts with you!

If you liked this post check out “How to keep amazing long distance friends active!" and “How to be on a Winning Team with Great Friends!” we'd love to hear your  feedback!

Image courtesy: Diary of a Mad Hausfrau

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com_GshawMedia 2014

[superfriendgroups]

How do you manage a friend break up? QUIZ

   Click Image 4 Friend Break Up QUIZ

Image by Tkgd2007 via Wikimedia Commons

How you decide to move on from a friendship can say a lot about who you are as a person!

And scientist have discovered that pain both physical and emotional impact the same part of the brain (follow the link to "Friend Rejection" at the end of the post, to find out more information):

"The human brain treats rejection in a similar way to the way it process physical pain, new research has suggested." Heather Saul,  (The Independent, October 16, 2013)

How you decide to move on from a friendship can say a lot about who you are as a person!

Do you play the blame game or take the high road? How you manage a friend separation, gives you valuable insights into your own behavior. This experience will help you successfully navigate all future relationships so discover your potential on being the friend who delivers a mindful and loving outcome.

"Friendships are also vital to our happiness and longevity. Researchers found women with no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%." - Surviving a Friendship Break Up By Melody Wilding, LMSW (PsychCentral).

Find those relationships that inspire you and help you thrive. Learn about yourself through friends, these relationships teach you more than most other connections as these are the people you chose to invite into your life. Select wisely and behave memorably. Remember.... a great friend starts with you!

If you liked this post check out “Why is Friend Rejection so Painful?“ and “Is it Hard for You to Make Close Friends? QUIZ” and send us your feedback!

Image courtesy: Panda image by Tkgd2007 (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons;  Sad lady image (slides) by Lies Thru a Lens ? (Alone Uploaded by tm) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons.

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com_Gshawmedia 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

How do work friends help you?

Image by Garry Knight via Wikimedia Commons

Collaborating, socializing, venting are a few reasons that working with friends is healthy for you. In "Having Friends at Work Leads to Longer Life," an article by Jeanette Mulvey, Managing Editor, Business News Daily, (August 6, 2011) discusses a new study: “Having friends at work can not only make the day go by faster. It can also lead to a longer life.”

And “Friendly Co-Workers May Increase Your Lifespan," Rachael Rettner (New Science, May 11, 2011) also based on a study conducted by Tel Aviv University, Israel. “The results show social support from peers at work was associated with a reduced risk of death from any cause over a 20-year period.”

However, one a friend told me that she had a huge opportunity and brought in a lot of her friends who she wanted to “give a chance to.” Some hadn’t worked in years, and she really wanted to help them get back on their feet.

While a noble gesture, the production gurgled down the pipes because her friends’ skills and work habits weren’t up to speed. She expected them to hit the ground running, but they just hit the ground. They zapped her energy and took her away from own duties. Note to self: In future, bring them on one at a time.

Here some suggestions and tips:

5 Ways Work Friends Can Help Each Other:

1. Testing new ideas ahead of time, before a public presentation. 2. Giving each other leads on promotions and jobs and projects. 3. Understand and support a friend when they had a fight with their parents, or partner. Talk it through privately with them as they may not want to share the information with less friendly co-workers. 4. Encourage your friend to stretch their limited view of themselves. It’s amazing how many people have strong skills that they undervalue. They may be a terrific organizer (school, church, networking group), but since they’ve never been paid to do it, they undervalue that skill. Help them shine in the workplace. 5. Have a good laugh at the coffee machine. Find work friends who don’t define you as this experience within the four walls – this can make testy situations more entertaining than serious.

4 Ways to Help with Office Politics:

1. Be open with each other and give honest feedback. 2. Know your loyalties between your work life and friends. If you know your friend is about to be fired, ask yourself – what would you do? Tell them? Do what you’d expect them to do for you! 3. Defend your friend from gossip. I’ve worked in offices where gossip was rampant and it shut down any open and clever collaboration. Do unto others, remember! 4. Support your friend’s career path, whether in front of the boss or helping them on a project. Employ the saying that the sun shines for everyone.

3 Work Friends Pitfalls:

1. When you’re about to bring on a friend, take time beforehand to make sure they’re right for the project. Review their resume, gather their references as you would a regular employee – OK, with a few extra benefits. 2. If you’re working in the same field as a friend, make protocols ahead of time so there’s no bad feelings if one gets a raise or promotion before the other one. Present different scenarios to each other so that you’re not taking by surprise when one of you finds more success. 3. Figure out the friends you enjoy working with and those that are better left as social friends. So often we want to “give a friend a break.” However, if you know that they won’t deliver then don’t set them up for failure. And certainly do not hide behind your boss (my boss doesn’t think you’re right), or project manager.

Help out your friends, be honest… and always remember, a great friend starts with you!

For more friends-on-the-job insights read “Friends at Work – Are They Important?”  and “How Friends Contribute to Your Net Worth.”

Image courtesy: By Garry Knight from London, England [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com_Gshawmedia.com / 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

Do you fear missing out? Lonely Friend QUIZ

Find out if you have this fear!

CLICK IMAGE

Image by Lonely2205

A survey by JWT noted that nearly 70% of us yearn to be in many places at once, according to Sarah Miller's in her Women's Health article (June 24, 2012 abcnews.go.com). Apparently, with all the images and digital locations we want to be at every event in case we're missing out on an opportunity or more fun. And in Sarah's article she quotes:

"FOMO happens when we invalidate the experience we're having because we're obsessed with the ones we're not having," says psychologist Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., author of Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness.

Do you want to see if you've got the FOMOs? Take the lonely friend QUIZ.

As we've covered a number of blogs from this site written about what the brain feels like when you're rejected, read "Why is Friend Rejection Painful?"

Fueled by our increasing obsession with social media, many think you're missing out but all your really missing out on is your own contentment. If you're at a dreary dinner party, and all your other friends are rocking out someplace, remember, there may be a couple of friends there who feel left out, bored.

And even if they're not bored, nothing is being take away from you if someone else is having fun. The sun shines for everyone.

And guess what?... if you make up your mind you will endeavor to find new inclusive friends, worry less about occasionally feeling left out, make that attitude shift - you can do that for yourself.

Engage with where you are, and try not to compare your experiences with others. Yeah, yeah the grass is greener, but if you're the one watering your own grass and it's not green, then who you gonna call?

Listen Think Respond

Listen - Hear what's really going on in your friend comments. Step back and ask yourself are all these events really giving you great satisfaction?

Think - Is this the direction you really want to go in. Why do you feel insecure and always need to be included? Are you envious of your friends? If so, use that envy to fuel a change in yourself. Focus on a new and clear direction to pursue.

Respond - You have more power when you choose what you want to do from the inside out, than running around willy-nilly. Do your friends represent your interests? If not, seek out people who do. Playing games with friends is not character-building. Find people who reflect back to you characteristics you really admire.

Repeat after me: "I'm fine who I am, and I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment."

Remember... a fearless friend starts with you!

If you liked this post check out “Is it Hard for You to Make Close Friends?" and send in your feedback or any friend ideas you have!

Image courtesy: By Lonely2205 (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0  (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com_GshawMedia 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

How to Make New Friends?

By White House Press Office via WikiCommons

Yes, yes it’s hard to make new contacts. But now change “hard” to “vital.”

I’m not saying toss out your old pals, who call you when they’re bored, or heckle you when you get a promotion (or ask for a loan). I’m just saying, if those chums aren’t supportive or challenging it’s time to re-assign them to the outer reaches of your network.

Openings for New Friends

Interestingly, there’s been a parallel phenomenon going on with some of my friends in long-term marriages. Many of these mid-life friends are getting divorced after 20 or so years of marriage. Why bother? Well, assess your life expectancy, how many years do you have left… decades. 

Same with mid-life friends. More people are changing jobs, or finding new ones. Discovering a greater purpose or a more interesting outlet. Traveling, exploring, so why settle with friends who won’t inspire the new you. Or, are threatened. Brrrring, brrrring… hello, who’s there? College friends who don’t want you to change.

Yes, threatened. When you decide to shift your life, seizing the moment, the friends who don’t have momentum or interest, may start sending you negative vibes, ignoring your growth, shrugging off your accomplishments. Threatened that you will become more successful, happier and leave them behind.

Find Friends Who Show UP

New friends may be your cheer leaders for the next two to four decades, it’s worth re-evaluating your current network, circle, or group. Target those who “show up” for your Master’s graduation; help build your cabin in a rain forest; or, support your new volunteering initiative at the local food bank. Your friends must show up!

New friends can mean a re-birth. Mr. Carney, I see your “whole new set” of new friends as a dynamic social trend and not just a pleasant surprise.

“Instead of a crisis, middle age should be thought of as a time for a new form of self-investment,” Reuter-Lorenz says. “This time of life brings so many new opportunities to invest in your own cognitive and physical resources, so you can buffer against the effects of older age.” – American Psychological Association. Written by Melissa Lee Phillips, The Mind at Midlife April 2011.

Remember… a great friend starts with you!

Read more about friends, the brain, take quizzes, read “How to be on the Winning Team with Great Friends!" and “Plug in to Better Friend Connections" and send us your feedback!

Image courtesy: By White House Press Office [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

© Glenda Shaw / GshawMedia_Superfriendgroups.com 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

How Listening to Friends Empowers Your Career! QUIZ

Are you a great listener? CLICK IMAGE

en:Eva Herzigova at Cannes in 2000 {{cc-by-sa-2.5,2.0,1.0}}

Friends are your petri dish, the place you can experiment with communication, and one top-of-your list skill is learning how to listen to each other. This lays a vital foundation for all communication, and will empower your career!

Listening to friends - the wave of the future!

“(Ram) Charan was referring to… skill known as active or empathetic listening in which the listener suspends his own frame of reference and fully attends to the speaker’s. The listener avoids engaging in immediate judgment, prejudice, assumptions, rebuttal or criticism... (s/he) does not try to evaluate or solve problems in the moment, but simply restates to the speaker what s/he believes s/he is hearing so as to confirm the mutual understanding of both parties.” - Korn Ferry Institute / Briefings Magazine, Latest Thinking / Winter 2013

Where does listening rate on your friend quality scale? Go to Contact Page and send us your comments.

Remember… listening to friends starts with you!!

So many exciting blogs so little time, but check out "Top TV Talent Reveals Secrets on True Friendship!" and "Fear of Being Excluded by Friends."

Image courtesy: en:Eva Herzigova at Cannes in 2000 Category:Supermodels == Licensing == {{cc-by-sa-2.5,2.0,1.0}} 

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.

[superfriendgroups]

Does your argumentative style hurt friends? QUIZ

TAKE QUIZ - CLICK IMAGE

Image by Albert Pierre (Own work)

via Wikimedia Commons

When you're constantly in the "fight" mode (of "fight-flight" response) it has a powerful negative impact on those around you. This Quiz is based on a Lifehacker article - "Why Your Brain is Hooked on Being Right" by Judith Glaser. Based on an executive coach's business angle, here are friendship parallels too. You can hurt friends by displaying this behavior. Ask yourself - are you really sharing information or you vying for status?

"Connecting and bonding with others trumps conflict. I've found that even the best fighters—the proverbial smartest guys in the room—can break their addiction to being right by getting hooked on oxytocin-inducing behavior instead," Judith Glaser, "Why Your Brain is Hooked on Being Right.

Remember... you don't have to hurt friends; build healthy friendships and that process starts with you!

For more insights into friendship go to "How to be on a Winning Team with Great Friends," and "Plug in to get Better Friend Connections." We'd love to hear your feedback and get your comments and post ideas!!

Image courtesy: Princess Dominica - by Albert Pierre (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons; and, Penguin Arguing image by By Mimooh (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons.

© Glenda Shaw_Superfriendgroups.com 2014

Please note: I hide specific and identifiable details in my friend stories as these stories are examples of behavior and not meant to hurt anyone. These stories are based on my opinion and perspective, except when the people written about are in the public domain. Any advice in this blog is from my insights, research and opinion only, and must not be considered as legal or medical advice.