Transitioning from Female to Male: 3 years on Testosterone.
Honestly. Lately I’ve been having some hard days in my transition from female to male. Which is totally normal and expected obviously. But over the past few years that I’ve been on T, I’ve had far more good days than bad. If you’re familiar with me and my journey, you’re aware of the fact that I’m really fortunate to have not been super feminine prior to starting this process. Meaning it didn’t take much time for my appearance to change and for people to generally recognize me as a male. So from the very start of my Hormone replacement therapy, I’ve had it pretty easy. But lately I’ve been dealing with a lot of insecurities and dysphoria that I haven’t had to deal with before and it’s not something I’m used to. I also feel like I’ve hit a point in my transition where everything just kinda stopped progressing. My appearance and my body has stopped changing, and I’m just stuck here. I know that I’ve been hella lucky and can pass for male almost all the time, and there’s guys out there that have it so much harder than I do. But I think maybe I’ve based so much of my confidence and self worth on the fact that I LOOK male, that I have completely disregarded the fact that I have to figure out how to FEEL male on the inside too. I mean shit, I spent 23 years learning how to be a woman, then completely flipped it upside down. I never learned how to be a man. And if that in itself wasn’t a frightening enough thought, I also have a lifetime of body language, mannerisms, gestures, reactions, emotional expressions, and all that shit, that I now have to unlearn and relearn in a completely different way. And it’s not as though I’m starting over as a child with parents and role models to teach me these things. Fuck no. I’m 25 years old, and going through puberty, in a serious relationship, trying to figure out how to live a real adult life... and figure out what it means to be a man at the same time? Like shit. I realize that I’m very lucky, and that most strangers see me as a man... but that’s not what matters to me anymore. Because when I look in the mirror, I see a little boy looking back at me, when all I want is to see a man. Physical appearance is a part of this insane journey I’m on, but three years into this transition, I’m finally starting to see that there is so much more to it than that. 9 Times out of 10 I get called sir, but that’s not what makes me a man. I’m finally understanding that I can’t just change the outside and be comfortable with myself. There’s a whole other side to this transition that I haven’t even begun yet. And that’s fucking terrifying. I never by any means expected this to be easy, but I guess I underestimated exactly how tough it would be. Becoming the person you’re meant to be is a scary task, especially if you’re starting that task 20 years later than most people.
Thank goodness I have such an amazing woman beside me, because honestly, sometimes I don’t know that I’d be strong enough to take this on alone. It means the world to me that, no matter what I see myself as, I’ll always be a man in her eyes. She gives me strength and courage when I can’t seem to find my own. I owe a lot of my progress to her, she’s certainly made me the man I am. I love you so much Rae.
Anyways. End rant.
Goodnight.
