#future hopes

[castletown-cafe]

Been a month, hasn’t it? How’s the new year treating everybody so far?

I have plans to return to Castletown Café again. The reason things slowed was because weekly was overwhelming, which I learned over the summer, and even biweekly was a lot to keep up with, especially with food or drinks I never made before and needed time to experiment with. Once fall came I had to put it on the backburner, especially as I focus heavily on my main work, art, for spooky season all through the holiday season.

Those times of the year are out of the way, so it’s time to focus again on re-creating food from or inspired by Deltarune, and experimenting with ideas, and practicing things like bread or candy. (Candy is REALLY hard to make at home by the way - I swear I need a laboratory, professional equipment, and a well-experienced candy-maker to teach me the ways).

That’s not all though. I want to try another new thing this year: live gaming. Our current era of the internet is video-dominated - mainly by Tiktok. So much so that Instagram is favoring and pushing reels over images in order to compete, forcing artists like myself to have to make art posts into Tiktok-style reels (Thanks Tiktok, you ruined Instagram).

The reason I want to try live gaming is so that way I can use new mediums to create content and to engage with people in a new way. It can be fun watching people play a game, and I’ll enjoy the company as I search for that shiny Pokémon or build new islands and create another form of art in the virtual world.

I’m gonna be real, I’m pretty nervous about trying this new venture because I know technology has never been all that fond of me. Even after following the instructions to a T and doing everything right, something will still go wrong (either because the instructions/help overlook or don’t account for the tiny details that get in the way and I need every last little detail considered, or because the instructions are outdated). My frustration tolerance will be put to the test. Also, I’m not sure how my laptop will handle live gaming - having OBS and my Elgato capture card software gets it really hot, and in the past, doing live art streams also really heated it up! I got a brand new desk with cooling fans for it, so I’ll see if it can handle going live while streaming gameplay footage from my Switch. It’s all I have right now, unfortunately. I know a lot of streamers use two monitors, so I may need a dual-monitor PC. But we all have to start somewhere!

I know these announcements/updates are almost a month late. I’m just kinda worried I won’t ever actually act on or start these things. I’m tired of wanting to do something or getting an idea for something and then never actually getting to it because of anxiety or other interests/other things taking my attention. I seriously don’t understand what “apply yourself” even means….I don’t speak neurotypical I guess 😅 but I know that ADHD brain and anxiety brain are a big obstacle. I want to finally deliver on the ideas I want to do. And the things I mention or talk about making. Starting, or going back to it, is the hardest part.

If you have read all this, thanks! This was a really long post. I know there’s not a lot of people who’ll see this, but if you’re one of them, thank you for finding this. Any support, even if it’s just from one person, is greatly appreciated.

I hope to continue making content for this blog as well as venturing to new mediums this coming year.

[autisticallythinking]

People write often about the grief of mothers who are struggling to have children. I'm not trying to take anything away from them with what I'm about to write.

But, what about the women who cannot find a partner to have a family with? Those who grieve daily for a child, and a partner to support them but cannot find it, or feel like they will never have it?

I'm one of those people. I long, I crave a child, I crave a husband to help me raise my child. I see pregnant women, and I go home and I cry. I see my sister with her child and the special, beautiful bond they have and it HURTS. I hear married women talking about how they accidently got pregnant and how, oh well they didn't want it but they will love it anyway, and I feel the wound deep within my soul. I see husbands and wives together and I cannot describe the deep sorrow and pain I feel.

Don't get me wrong, I'm also so happy that they found each other and that they are able and can have kids.

I've had people ask me why don't I just have a kid. Honest truth? I grew up without a dad, and I never want that for my kid, I want someone who can be my partner in every sense of the word, somebody who can help show my child what it means to be loved and wanted.

I'm nearing my thirties and my child bearing years are running away with the speed of the warmth and light of a setting sun. And I grieve.

I have been in many relationships, but none of those men were the right ones, they would not have made good fathers or husbands. As much as I wanted them to be, they weren't.

With each day passing, I know I have maybe, if I'm lucky, a 50% chance of finding a good husband that may be, might be the right one. And even lesser chance of having kids with each day that passes. There is nothing more I want to experience motherhood in its rawest most brutal form. Childbirth, dirty nappies, puke, everything, because caring and raising a child is the most sacred thing a person can do.

And, adopting a child is something I would do. It's always been an option.

For now, I keep learning, keep hoping, praying, that may be, I'll get so lucky to find the man that will be my best friend and lover.

[yeah-sure-amanda]

On a totally random note. 

I want Tracy to write again. Only this time she goes for the jugular. Write about David and screw him over. 

*EVIL LAUGH* 

I want to see Tracy have a storyline...that's all. 

[littleteenagethings]

She looked at him and whispered "This is a path that I'm afraid I must travel alone. Do I love you? Yes. Can I live without you? We'll both find out." With tears in her eyes she held on to him one last time, inhaling the scent of him willing it to memory knowing it would have to last her a lifetime. "Maybe I'll get over you or maybe you will be the man I tell my grand daughter about. Maybe the universe will bring us again in 1 years at a time that's right for both of us but in this moment, this isn't our time. In this moment, love feels like a stake piercing through the very depths of me. Loving you is like trying to rescue you from drowning when we both know that I can't swim. So this isn't goodbye... it's see you... see you in 5 years when we're both ready for each other. When you can love me as I love you or see you 50 years from now when you appear in my memories when she asks me about you.

Excerpts from the book I’ll never write #374

05/02/2018

12:46 am

[ojotheunlucky]

I just wanna move in with my friend and have a cute brick apartment with plants and books all over. We can take turns cooking dinner and walking her little dog Churro around the neighborhood. Then I can adopt the chunky cat my coworker has been taking care of because I'll have a place, which means I will have cute animals to care for and cuddle in my bed. And I'll be actually living in town instead of this old Catholic retirement community in the mountains.

[barnbert]

I want Aaron to call Robert out to the layby. See him and just be like: "this is our fresh start. Our new beginning. I'm Aaron and I would like ya to be with me. Properly."

[cherrycokefiend]

I just hope that someday in the future over our morning coffee as we look out across a beautiful, green, energy efficient, peaceful world we can look back and laugh and say “remember that time Donald Trump was president?”