#fvete

[life-rewritten]

Don’t say no Ep 1-11; Messy, Complex and Heavily Misunderstood

So yes, I’ve come back after a long pause because of a show that I was even surprised I wasn’t writing about. Since I decided with my blog that I needed time away from how I consumed and perceived media. I needed a break from the fandom and how it seemed like all I talked about was the same repetitive themes of morally grey questions and opinions found in certain genres, mainly boys love. So I took a long pause, kept watch of all the shows airing, and it helped that COVID also caused a drought with most of the media that would make me want to write. But here we are, everything is coming back, and in the meantime, although there was a shortage, BL seemed to never stop. Still, it didn’t feel the same primarily due to poorly produced and frustratingly shallow shows only available, which, if that’s to your liking, crack on, but it isn’t to mine. One show, in particular, that managed to survive the drought was the sequel to the TharnType 7 years the series; Don’t say no (DSN). 

An introduction to DSN

And I know what you’re saying, that’s amazing; if you know my history on this blog, you know I was obsessed and very protective of a particular couple in this series; Leo and Fiat. I wrote about them the most on here; I squealed, defended and even managed to predict certain arcs for both characters. So I should have been excited, I should have been writing on here for the past 3 months, but I kept silent. I watched as people who I never thought would watch a Mame show, show up, insult, and berate the show without even giving it a chance. I watched as people started, for some reason, focusing on only certain aspects of this show and saw the rise of the show’s popularity. With quotes like “This is actually healthy, communicative and filled with lots and lots of character development”. I saw people praise the show whilst still close-minded, stayed on their high horse that they could never ever like something that was Mame’s and that there must be a different writer because DSN was actually great for some reason. I found it hilarious; for once, I’m the one cringing and not liking how the show was ( I dislike the directing so much), whilst others felt like they understood and loved the story, fair enough to them. 

It’s also funny to see the outrage poured out for episode 11. Everyone being like, of course, it’s terrible it’s Mame, I forgot who the writer is, she’s never good at character development, toxicity is all she cares about, bla bla, bla.  And I’m just like, but episode 11 was always going to happen. This was always going to be a conflict that has been set up, foreshadowed and hinted at throughout the whole show, and if you watched the prequel, you even know why this had to happen? 

I’m not saying it’s award-winning or excellent writing, but saying inconsistent, stupid, nonsensical is a bit… It just means that you haven’t been watching this show at all, or you have ignored all the warning signs and depth added to this show purposely by a writer who consistently plays with themes like these, making her bls always have dimensionality and complexity embedded in her characters. 

So once again, I’m here defending Mame (who I keep repeating I think is a good but flawed writer) and her choices and again explaining why she chooses to do what she does. How she’s not shallow or stupid or whatever people call her writing for no reason, how she puts thoughts into her main characters all the time and her love stories (on tv now, that is) and how she is trying to grow and learn as she keeps on writing BLs.

And so we’re back to Leo and Fiat. Ahh, Leo and Fiat; one of my most loved dynamics in a couple since last year. They’re toxic, messy, immature, and buck load filled with issues and psychological problems to count, and yet I love them because of this complexity because no matter what, their love, like most of Mame’s stories, is unconditional, ‘healing’ and protective. There is no doubt in what they have for each other as love. And even more, this is a bl that is actually really unique, it focuses on these two’s journey after being friends to lovers, it focuses on what happens in the middle of that journey, the fears, the pain, the worries, the frailty of this trope and it uses two incredibly broken people to do this.

It also does the job of making Fiat, someone so detested and misunderstood, finally, have his spotlight, and for people to see that, like with all of Mame’s characters, there’s always more on the surface, a reason for the madness and the pain. It finally exposes Fiat and Leo’s relationship and shows their fears and determination to make it less delicate and long-lasting. From where these two have come from, it makes sense their romance is easily breakable; there are too many cracks needed to be mended in both; psychologically, corporally and emotionally, for this to be sturdy. And so what DSN does is that it slowly unveils these cracks (that were hidden in subtext before) to the surface, it finally exposes Leo and Fiat’s façade, secrets and weaknesses, but it does it step by step. Because Fiat is more hurt and has more demons to slay, he’s at the forefront of this plot like Type was at TharnType. It’s his hurdles we’re exposed to; they’re needed to be defeated for this relationship to truly work; they’re more urgent, so we get reuniting with his family and facing his scars, understanding and knowing he’s not a burden to people. He’s wanted, finally receiving love and also finally being with Leo. It’s mainly focused on him, but Leo, the knight in shining armour, our prince charming essentially. Charming, protective, romantic, and dreamy Leo is also important for this relationship to work, yet he never gets to voice out his demons. They’re slowly littered and solved temporarily, only for it to surge back again, but it never is about his struggles. It’s always about Fiat’s healing. 

This is why I laugh when I see people say character development because Leo hasn’t even yet begun his (and that’s a fault of Mame’s writing; she continually exposes that too late, she did the same with Tharn in TharnType season 1), for there to be character development, the flaws and issues have to be exposed to the characters. Still, with Leo, everyone tends to focus only on his mask of strength and perfection on the surface. Because of course, in other to be with Fiat, that’s what’s needed, strength, unconditional support and love, but people forget that courage is also something necessary. 

Leo; Strength, Loyalty and? 

Courage, since he was first introduced to us, is something that Leo does not have. It’s in his character concept, like yeah, he’ll stand up to Fiat’s father, and that can be seen as courage, but that’s not what I mean. Leo’s flaw and concept are that he feels insecure, inexperienced, and inadequate for his role as Fiat’s person with all the responsibility he has. And this has always been something that paralyses him; it caused him to put Fiat and him in a cage for over 10 years of misunderstandings, miscommunication, and mistakes. And it took Fiat indeed until episode 11 to realise the gravity of what he’s been going through.

Leo was never developed; the only progress he truly made with his scars was to step out and confess his feelings for Fiat since the beginning and don’t get me wrong, he has been helping Fiat through his development because Fiat is the only person who actually grew (even shown with how he reacted to the kiss in episode 11). People need to realise that with Mame, the last few episodes always unveil the truth about the other love interest, that they’re also not okay, they’re also traumatised or affected in their own way, and usually their pain is never taken seriously because in society it doesn’t look like big of a problem as what their partner is going through.  

Leo is a coward, and it’s something that Leon finally called him out for at the end of episode 11. He truly takes on the burden and responsibility on his shoulders because it’s what makes him feel strong and makes him feel good about himself, but in reality, it’s too much on him, and when he’s left to his thoughts (as shown with his nightmares about Fiat’s fickleness) he breaks. And the reason is that mentally, he does not think he’s good enough or worthy enough to be in the position he has. It’s why Mame chose to make this plot happen towards the end. It’s not that she loves regression but that her characters aren’t fully yet grown or healed or ready to be together until all their issues are on the surface.

Mame; Toxic, Complex and? 

I agree the way she writes them is imbalanced and toxic, but I was never one to shun toxicity in stories, as you know because they introduce complexity and unique storylines; just because something is on tv does not mean it always has to be healthy or idealised. Mame’s flaw is because she thinks love can heal all cruelties. That’s the basis of all her stories, that love can mend it all.   She adds psychological depths to her characters to make them interesting and not just a hero or a villain. This is dimensionality, and it’s a great way to create concepts for stories. Her issue is because she’s not fully educated about the psychological aspects of her writing; she comes off like she sees it as a shallow thing and that love solves everything. As long as you have a good love story, it’ll make you want to change and improve and heal. 

 I get that issue; I also hate that she uses drugging and other immoral acts to cause conflict, but firstly, she’s not the only writer who does this; it’s not just bl that does this; this is misused in other stories for a plot.  I guess to her, it’s the only way to make the characters go through drastic measures needed to make them stop pretending, and it unveils their weaknesses and flaws or is connected to their past mistakes and trauma that hasn’t yet been dealt with properly.

 For example, Fiat is always a victim because DSN is like a tick list of all the karma/issues he caused coming back to get him. It basically educates and forces him to see how his actions affected others and how much pain and hate he had for himself that was unjust. So, unfortunately, because he doesn’t know what Leo is going through or what Leo’s most significant pain is, he had to see him kiss a girl. And this has always been something that was associated with their story and character arc. Fiat’s promiscuity is one of the challenges that caused both he and Leo to be stuck in that 10-year cage they were in previously, and it’s something that wasn’t solved when they got into a romantic relationship. 

Fiat; Confident, Loved and?

Fiat knows this; it’s why he hid his urges because he knew that there was a fragility to that aspect of their relationship. After all, Leo struggled with that. It’s why he changes in the show and why you slowly, as he heals, see that bratty, whiny yet confident and sexual version of him appear again. As much as I hate the being roofied thing, it’s an uncomfortable way to make Leo see Fiat once again (since Fiat is now grown and matured) in that regressed state he used to be in the past, drunk and with a conquest. There had to be a way to make him act in a manner that wasn’t him anymore, and it had to be King because King is connected to Leo’s biggest fears and insecurities about himself which is hinted at throughout the whole show.  It was used to parallel the past with Leo and Fiat; Fiat to test Leo would always call him to see him drunk and be with another conquest; King knew this and used it. Is it the best way to write this? No, but Mame is toxic, and she doesn’t hide that she is writing a toxic story.  When she puts out concepts and character arcs, she stays consistent; in my opinion, this whole show truly explained and brought Fiat the understanding he failed to get in the prequel, but it also brought its own plot twists to show how both Leo and Fiat aren’t aware of everything, it showed how they would end up falling for this trap because they’re still fragile, ignorant about certain aspects of their scars and still have cracks. 

And whilst I hate the cheating and possessive trope, it makes sense that Fiat did trust Leo (a sign of his growth and change) about kissing the girl, but he actually was just in so much pain about it. The reason he had to be this way is that he did this to Leo over and over again. And it’s something that wasn’t adequately solved. For Fiat, it’s not that they’re regressing in communication but that he’s still processing something he’s never thought he had to deal with. With everything that’s already happened to them because of him, he was afraid of this, causing a crack to their fragile relationship as it was finally strong.

 When he realised this is probably what Leo has had to deal with for 10 years especially seeing how Leo snaps, he chooses to make them go back to friends because he doesn’t want Leo hurting that way again.  

He couldn’t even deal with the pain with trust and just kissing; what about Leo, who he tested continuously with sleeping with people. His regression is consistent because it’s the same reason he let Leo keep their relationship friendly for 10 years; he believed making it romantic would ruin them. He’d hurt Leo because, at that time, he thought he was a monster, unlovable etc. It’s always been his biggest fear, breaking Leo. It’s always been their concept, and it makes sense that that’s what he’ll do because Fiat has always been on edge about how fragile their romance was since the beginning of the show.

That’s the show’s whole theme: that fear of being friends to lovers because of their past and their psychological traumas and hurt.

DSN; Messy, Complex and?

I honestly could write a more extended essay and have evidence and proof and more, but I feel frustrated by the fact that people are refusing to get why this plot was written. It’s not the best choice of writing, but it’s not nonsensical or surprising either. It’s only Fiat that has the growth and the opportunity. In episode 11, his regression was also progression, in my opinion, because he dealt with everything maturely and ended things first. Always putting Leo first has always been his priority, it shows his growth, in my opinion, whilst with Leo, he’s never had that emotional support or help. 

The show has just been showing how many things he’s had to deal with, how alone he feels when Fiat isn’t there (from like childhood because his parents aren’t there), how much responsibility he’s had to shoulder and bear and then the whole past with King and his insecurities as a leader and romantic interest to Fiat. It’s something that’s plagued him for years on his own. He has no emotional support from anyone focused on him, not Fiat and him, so he was never growing. He was just always trying to be something everyone wanted him to be, and so his regression makes sense; his arc makes sense because he always deals with things on his own. I think writing-wise, it just sucks it wasn’t dealt with before Fiat’s mother’s drama; I would have put this whole King drama before that and truly made Fiat’s mum the last villain and problem they have to deal with. That way, people won’t feel too flabbergasted by the regression when it seems that they finally both had grown and were happy and loved.

At the end of the day, I’m not going to say that DSN is a masterpiece because it’s not, I actually don’t enjoy it the way people do, but I will defend things about it because it’s one of the only BLs out now that has depth, complexity, conversations and uniqueness to it, it’s not afraid to be messy, and it also showcases a very romantic connection that most BLs fail to show. Its plot is structured, planned, and mostly thought out; there’s an effort in telling these two’s story and making them feel natural and not just one dimensional. Once again, with this writer, we have a polarising show because no matter how much people want to hate what she produces, certain aspects of how she writes make you also care deeply and like what she has if you’re honest with yourself. Episode 11 of Don’t say no makes sense, not the best plot twist or obstacle, but it makes sense; it was shown throughout the show, it was hinted at, and it was consistent with the dynamics presented in this show. That’s all. 

[life-rewritten]

WE BEST LOVE (Fighting Mr Second) Deyi And The Role of Family, Duty/Obligation and Responsibility.

Let’s get to it, oh my, We Best Love just keeps on getting better and better the more I break it down. Seriously I am so surprised by how much I can write about this show especially when it comes to these two, they’re so incredibly written in my perspective just because they hit all the right things I want from writing; they are 3 dimensional, they’re flawed and realistic, they are relatable (the more we get to understand why they do what they do) and their romance is both sweet and entertaining but also deep and serious. There’s nothing else I can say when it comes to praising this show especially season 2 which is very polarising to the audience because they feel whiplashed by the sudden seriousness and change of tone with the goals the show is trying to achieve. My thing is if you don’t understand the show properly, and how the characters have been planned and written from the start, you end up in season 2 just being sad and frustrated by how many mistakes the characters make, how stupid and illogical their actions seem when they do something or they respond to something. For example in episode 3 Shide is seen as an idiot, a noble idiot, his actions by pulling away and refusing to communicate and be open with Shuyi is seen as stupid and annoying because it caused a lot of pain, suffering, anguish for them that could be avoided. And yes it was uncontrollable situation to him that he tried to deal with but because there are other ways he could have dealt with this more maturely, smarter and better, there is this struggle to try and forgive and understand his perspective for why he decided to stay away from Shuyi for 5 years. It’s very sad and upsetting to know the reason is again a basic trope used in BLs and romance stories. But again I keep saying We Best Love isn’t trying to do something different it’s using the same tropes in this genre but writing it better. And I know it doesn’t seem like the choices made so far in the show is smart but there is understanding when you finally break down what the writers are trying to say with this story, why the writers are choosing this path. So again I come with another essay (my second one this week) focusing on Deyi and why it’s more complicated than just what we saw in episode 3 about the truth of Shide’s reason for why he chose to give into Shuyi’s father. Let’s break it down shall we?

The Theme of Family in WBL

The first thing about this essay is going to be focusing on the role of family, duty, obligation and responsibility in We Best Love. Family is something that has always been important in the show since we started of our couples first reason for talking to each other being that they both have lost a family member. The effects of Family in the show is very prominent and shown in season 2 of WBL. But also it’s always been hidden and hinted at how the environment that Shuyi and Shide grew up in (Nature vs Nurture) had made them become who they are in both seasons. So the reason why Shide is  seen as responsible, always in control and strong is because of him having to replace his father’s role when he was younger to want to be the one to protect and take care of his family. For Shide Family means everything to him it’s what makes him who he is, his focus is his duty and obligation to them to make sure they are living peacefully and safe. This started of just as his mother and him but later on as we see in season 1 he also then takes the responsibility (In America) over his stepfamily as well, we don’t know exactly why he’s the one who has to deal with a lot of struggles to protect the family again, but everything he does is to keep them safe. The reason why we see him in season 2 in his company is again to do with Family. And Shuyi is not different, Shuyi is also shadowed by the influence, control and hold of Family, he has a legacy he has to protect, but also someone he has to impress and become like his father who he was left with. Whilst Shide takes on the role of protecting the family’s safety and happiness by ensuring they’re taken care of and at ease, Shuyi also takes on this role to protect his position, his heritage and his father’s riches and company by being competitive and determined to be on top. So this has always been there since season 1, it explains a lot about how these two think and how they act. They’re both feeling pressured by the responsibility, duty and obligation they have to the role they play in their family to succeed.  And what season 2 does is it brings that to light, it shows the struggles that they have been going through but also it makes us see the sacrifices and choices they have to make because of this influence of Family and pressure of Duty.  The idea of having to both hold a weight of responsibility which clouds people from them, their wants and needs, and leads them to make constant sacrifices.

The Introduction to Shuyi’s Father

 So that’s important to notice because episode 3 brings in a revelation that Shuyi’s father is very important to the break down of our couple’s relationship and the reason for why they’ve both entered a state of misunderstanding and miscommunication.  It’s because he pressured and made Shide separate from Shuyi for 5 years that we are in this well of pain and anguish and toxicity. Shuyi’s father is not introduced to us immediately in season 1 but his shadow is there. The mentions of how Shuyi has an easy life, his wealth, having people keep an eye on him, having a very privileged easy life is hinted throughout the whole season until finally it’s after Shuyi and Shide fall for each other, the father shows up from the dark. He’s been keeping an eye on Shuyi and looking out for any hints or clues for obstacles to his goals, but also when we first see him he’s shrouded in dark lit room, he’s cold, has a powerful aura and demands to know more about the situation. We can already see from how he reacts that he’s angered by the situation. So we know he is going to be our villain in season 2, it’s not a surprise to realise that he’s always been the reason for why our couple is separated, it’s not a surprise to see that he’s an obstacle to them. But the thing about him is that as much as he is at first just a typical one dimensional homophobic BL parent, he’s more than that, in fact at the end of this analysis you will see he’s not even the villain the writers want us to focus on because he’s not a villain, he’s actually so more than that. Let me explain more.

A Lovers Game or A Long Lasting Commitment?

The first time we see him as an obstacle is when he calls Shide,  after Shide returned back to America to find Shuyi and know what’s going on. Shuyi had misunderstood and thought Shide was married with a kid and had left him. So Shuyi was not speaking to Shide and Shide after dealing with his own family issues, finally returned to Taiwan and came to face to face with the father instead of Shuyi. The father is determined immediately to stop their relationship, the first reason he gives is because he thinks it’s not long lasting, it’s fickle. He calls it a game. Of course our mindsets and Shide’s start to think he says this because he’s phobic, he’s belittling what they have, he’s refusing to take it seriously and he thinks it’s doomed to end. He doesn’t think the relationship is strong or right enough to help Shuyi, he sees it as a waste of time and an obstacle that needs to be stopped. He’s determined. This is quite contrary to what Shide and Shuyi believed about what they had, they believed especially Shide that they would have forever, because that’s how devoted he was to Shuyi which is what he tries to say.

Shide tells the father that he’s serious about what they have but also that Shuyi can leave him but  he won’t give up on Shuyi. Again this is a huge hint to one of the reasons for why Shide is lacking, or what was his first mistake, his doubt in Shuyi. In that sentence it’s him that is chasing, he believes it’s his strength and determination to make their relationship succeed because that’s how he’s always been since they were  together and  that’s what always got Shuyi’s attention. He doesn’t trust fully Shuyi’s commitment to him because he always believed for so long that it was one sided. In a way Shide views Shuyi’s feelings for him as weaker than his, it can change at anytime, it’s not as strong as his, hence the consequences of his actions is that he hurts Shuyi’s pride and feelings by  holding back the truth from him because he wasn’t confident in what they had.

A Volatile Fight For Survival and Peace 

But this is not just what the father uses as his reasons for why they shouldn’t be together. Again connected to phobic beliefs he focuses on Shuyi’s future in the company. Remember this is what Shuyi’s character outline is connected to, his duty and obligation to protect his position as the heir of his father’s company. So we find out that the father believes that the environment is harsh and inhospitable for Shuyi if he’s found out by the shareholders of the company that he’s with Shide. The father views Shide as an obstacle to Shuyi’s peace and comfort in the future. Shuyi has been told this before and also Shuyi knows he’s being watched by the shareholder, he’s under pressure by them and he mentions how much he is in this season.

Shuyi’s initial reaction is also always focused on control and protection of the position he has, because he was constantly told he had to be more stronger and better to be in a great position where he was safe, his father made him active, agile and more but that only always broke his spirits, broke his trust in others and broke his heart because he also constantly felt like he was never enough because he was           always losing. It’s actually his father’s constant push that makes Shuyi determined to always become first because he was always told he had to be ahead to get to where his father was. His father’s shadow always covered him and led him to always distrusting and misunderstanding people’s actions, he always felt babied, and without freedom to actually do what he wants until he fell for Shide. This is why he states to Shide I didn’t want to fall for a guy after he confesses to him. Not because he didn’t know what he was or he was in denial but because of the exact reasons that his father gave to Shide, because of the pressure of taking over and being watched by people and the shareholders, of being used as a weapon to take him down in the homophobic society he was in. Shuyi saw competition even in season 1, it was always his focus because his life has always been about that, Shide saw wanting attention and notice to ensure that he was never seen in his protector role as weak or vulnerable  to get what he wanted, to make a name for himself, and to be something more.

. It’s the reason for why Shuyi has to fire half of the company because it makes the Shareholders trust that he’s in control and isn’t weak. The father also mentions how it’s family that are also enemies to them, because they’re also looking for reasons to see Shuyi’s downfall. (hence why Shuyi is so distrustful of people because his own family also wants to see him fail).  This is when we start to see the intentions of the father’s actions, yes he has a phobic mindset but the focus is on Shuyi’s protection, the focus is on making sure Shuyi is safe. The father believes that the shareholders all are phobic hence showing the environment that he was raised in but also his mindset that has been framed by ignorance, tradition and society. The father doesn’t want Shuyi to struggle with the company because he won’t be able to manage the shareholders’ power if they do have something to say since they also affect the stocks and how the company runs. In a way his business is also in jeopardy in his head, he wants to have an heir to his company to secure the safety of it but Shide might be an obstacle to that because of how society and the environment they are in is.

What’s ironic is that Shide is remarkably similar to the father when he mentions his past in terms of struggling and trying to make it to be something. The father talks about how he started from scratch to make this company hence he knows the struggles, the chaos, the vicious environment surrounding them, which is why he constantly wanted Shuyi to be strong, to be seen as successful, to be seen as in control, because he knows what Shuyi will have to go through  with that role. He doesn’t want  Shuyi to struggle with the same stuff, it’s ironic because Shide is actually in the father’s position when he was younger, where he is struggling with responsibility, and work and making a company stay safe and being someone in society. That’s why it’s sad but also funny that both Shide and the father in their acts of always wanting to protect and keep Shuyi safe they actually just hurt him and they make him feel insecure and less than because of what they do to him. But again it’s understandable why they are so determined to protect what they love because its what they love, Shuyi is precious to them both, and they don’t mean to make him feel the way they do, to hurt him, or to push him away. The father is not meant to be seen as the villain of the show; it’s society that is the villain of WBL, how society acts, how they pressure people to think, how they control our ways we view ourselves and our freedom, that’s why the father is shown slowly to be just jokey, funny and  sweet in his own way to Shuyi, he’s not cold he’s warm despite being such a suffocating shadow over Shuyi. So that’s a very important thing to notice about the show with what they want to show with the father. It’s society that’s making him act the way he’s acting.

The Distance Of Two Different Worlds Apart

The father also mentions another reason for why he thinks Shide and Shuyi are unfit. He claims they are from different worlds. This is so eye opening because again Shide has the same ideas in his head about the struggles that they face (it causes his insecurity of why Shuyi’s feelings may be weaker). Being from different worlds is why Shide is determined to be number one. When Shuyi’s father mentions that they are from different worlds it puts a perspective again on understanding why Shide feels insecure about what he is to Shuyi but also why he’s so determined to by himself make sure that what they have is safe and okay. It’s why he’s so focused on protection. Because there is a slight insecurity about what he lacks in terms of economic status, reputation in general, and position. He’s always been trying so hard to make it and that’s another thing he focuses on for the 5 years they are separated; to keep trying to make it to become someone in Shuyi’s world. In order to be with Shuyi he has to ensure that he can be in a place of protection, safety, security and ease which he feels he can’t provide by just being himself.  It’s so important because it’s this insecurity plus other things that will be mentioned later that makes him give into the father, seek the father’s approval, and proceed to sacrifice what he wants, for Shuyi’s happiness. He always hoped that even after 5 years even if there has been a distance he’d be able to be stronger to get back to Shuyi. Because he was never going to give up.

The Problem With Insecurity, Doubt, and Fear

1. Insecure about their relationship;

As mentioned Shide is insecure about what he is to Shuyi, he has been in an 8 year unrequited love for Shuyi and he still struggled to believe and trust that what they had was strong enough to withstand anything.

This is sorted in his head because he always believes that his determination will win over Shuyi. As long as he can fight for Shuyi and as long as he doesn’t fail chasing after Shuyi he will be successful in ensuring he makes Shuyi want him. This is why he automatically thinks in season 2 the reason why Shuyi is angered is because he disappeared for 5 years, he failed at his determination to make sure Shuyi’s attention was always on him, because he thought it could be stolen if he was weak. The father tells Shide that if Shuyi has a girlfriend after 5 years then he needs to give up. As long as he doesn’t have someone by that 5 years then there’s hope. But also if he does have someone and is happy then Shide who is self-sacrificial will be willing to sacrifice his own happiness for Shuyi’s happiness. Even in season 1, he’s always been self-sacrificial because he didn’t even want to win over Shuyi whenever he had a chance to, he was only trying to get a friend, instead of doing what he wants and trying to elevate their relationship. He always chose whatever Shuyi wanted over himself as we saw in season 1 when the truth came out in the hospital and Shuyi said he didn’t want to fall for a guy. Even the reason for why he chooses to give into the father’s demands even though he knows it’s a trap and has no chance of escaping, is because of Shuyi. He says it’s to protect how Shuyi views his father, and their relationship (and that hurts because he understands the value of the relationship between father and sons because he lost his father, so he wouldn’t want to put Shuyi in that position when he knows how it affected him)

2. Insecure about himself

Shide although he tries to have a mask of being in control and being strong all the time. Although his goal is to always ensure he’s number one to everyone and Shuyi, there are parts of him that does not see that in himself. It is because he does not think he can be loved/helpful by just being himself, being vulnerable or being weak that he takes on everything and works hard constantly to make sure he is ahead always. Especially for Shuyi in Season 1, the reason why he thought Shuyi wanted him was because he was number one and he got his attention by always defeating him.

This is treated in his head by becoming something or someone just the like the father requested so they end up in  the same status. Because he’s determined to be someone to his family and protect them he takes on the responsibility of taking care of the company but he also does so because the father gave him an ultimatum to get a career and be someone to be with Shuyi.

3. Insecure about society and how they are treated

Shuyi being the heir of his father’s company also makes Shide become insecure about what to do to protect them. Again Shide wants to be viewed as a helpful addition not a burden, someone who protects not destroys, he didn’t want to be the reason why Shuyi ends up losing the relationship with his father, and his position as the heir.

 This in his head is removed by staying away for 5 years to ensure that Shuyi  has enough time to focus and get the company, become CEO and defeat the shareholders. Once Shuyi passes the test of the shareholders and takes over, they wouldn’t be as big of a threat. This is what both Shide and the father believe.

Society: Mindsets, Environments, and Prejudice

The father’s focus on wanting children is also stated when he later goes to the bar with Shide. Again him being phobic is problematic but it makes sense that he is, he’s ignorant and again warped by the ideas in the environment he’s in. His phobia isn’t from nature it’s caused by nurture, it’s caused by what he’s been shown, told, since he was young. His automatic mindset for success and stability is for the typical path that society wants ‘men’ to follow in his time to become; to be masculine and strong, ( hence why he forced Shuyi to do a lot of athletic activities which ended up breaking and hurting him in different ways),  to make a legacy happen, to have a wife and kids, it’s all old-fashioned ideas because he is old-fashioned because he wasn’t taught better. Again he’s not the actual villain of the show. Society is.

 The cheating misunderstanding is what causes the catalyst that makes the dad try to break them up. He tried to listen and accept Shuyi’s threats of leaving but then when Shuyi showed back up after America he was furious. Because he already had an idea formed in his head about how fickle their relationship would be  because of phobia, and now it was being shown to him because the way Shide is perceived to cheat is to choose the right path that he wanted for Shuyi. (a wife and kid).  Not only did Shide cheat but Shuyi cried about like being ghosted for 6 months, because Shide wasn’t texting. The most important thing to discover about the father and understand his character outline is that although his flaw is having closeminded ideas based on society and environment, his actual focus is protection of Shuyi’s happiness, the reason he really wanted them to separate, the reason why he formed that trap was because he thought Shide was not serious and that Shide was harmful for Shuyi because of the cheating scandal, because he made Shuyi cry so much, because he hurt Shuyi, because he essentially was mocking Shuyi’s devotion and heart by cheating in America. It’s also about the  pride of Shuyi being protected. Again just like Shide the father’s prime goal is protection of Shuyi.

So now knowing Shide’s mindset and why he did what he did, we can revisit the couch scene in episode 2 and discuss more about how the show shows him dealing with the consequences of his actions.

The Consequences of Actions and Mistakes

Ahh the couch scene, I’ve been thinking about it. I know people want me to break down why it was wrong they had the romantic music playing when they slept together, what message it showed, I know people want me to talk about how uncomfortable we all felt in that scene (you were meant to feel that way), I know people want to talk about the trigger warnings in that scene but there are so many other comments about why non consent/ dubious consent is an issue that should be taken seriously when being shown in BL. You can find them in the tags.

I’m going to focus on the writing of the show and analyse why the scene happened the way it did. This is not me defending non consent, this is just me laying out what the writers wanted to achieve with the scene. You weren’t meant to find it healthy, you weren’t meant to want a relationship like that, you weren’t meant to praise the actions of both characters, because Shide and Shuyi are problematic as of this time because of the situation they are in. So from this show we can finally can say that Shide and Shuyi did sleep together, how do we feel about that, probably not great right? I feel like, I didn’t think they would sleep together because I was holding out for hope that Shuyi would punch Shide. So yeh it was an interesting thing to see not fully discussed or explained in the new episode. However these two’s relationship are in the stage of miscommunication and misunderstandings (which can lead to toxicity and escalations)  mixed with the longing, pining and passionate love they’ve both been trying to hold back for each other for 5 years. The theme for these two has always been about control as from my previous analysis and the couch scene no matter how morally wrong or right it was, was always going to happen because we finally see both of them  break down and lose that control they’ve been trying to have on each other, and of course before that happens it’s done with a fight, with breakdowns, with confusions, with questions.  

The loss of control of the heart

Shuyi loses control over his heart because he can see Shide in his most broken state. Remember this isn’t like Shide.  Shide is normally calm, in control, always trying to salvage the situation, Shide has never cried in front of Shuyi apart from their first confession and even after all that he’s always come out looking better and in control of everything because it’s like him to do so.Shuyi was frightened; one because of trying hard to keep himself from giving into his wants and longing for Shide that he’s been trying so hard to not lose to, he was frightened because Shide was being aggressive and he wasn’t sure if he was messing around with him or not, he was also frightened lastly for Shide. Because Shide was screaming like someone who was drowning on the inside, someone close to just giving up on everything, someone who was so broken and desperate to have something to hold on. Shuyi was frightened for Shide because he realised that there was something more to what happened, he also realised that Shide was not willing to let him know, he saw Shide grapple with confusion and wanting to say it, and he couldn’t understand but he was worried and understood that Shide wasn’t happy, wasn’t a victor in their breakup like he thought. Shuyi also recognised Shide’s pain because it paralleled his at the beginning of the episode when he cried over the broken phone and his heart break. Shide was also heart broken like he was, Shide was also struggling like he was, Shide was also lost like he was. That’s why even though he tried so hard to fight it, his walls fell and he let him self be with Shide that night. That’s the first part of this equation for why Shuyi let himself sleep with Shide although he was drunk, (dubious consent,).

The loss of control of the mind

If Shuyi was fighting losing control over his heart, Shide was losing control of his mind. As much as it pains me to say, Shide wasn’t in the right state of mind, this was a Shide who was being the worst version of himself because he was exploding, he was losing control, he was confused, he was also very angry at the mess he and Shuyi were in, he was lost because all his efforts, (which is pointing to the title of episode 3; Self Righteous Efforts Are Wasted).  His energy, his work, his heart was wasted because of situations he couldn’t control. Shide was so affected because he realised just like Shuyi also realised seeing him drunk, that what he did to Shuyi was so much more worse than he thought, he was doing everything he could to protect Shuyi, to prove himself to Shuyi’s father, to let them have a happy forever later on, he was doing all he could to stay with the one thing that was his ultimate priority and happiness, he was doing everything he could to protect that and he found it so unfair that he couldn’t even let Shuyi know about that, he probably also hated life its self, because there was so much he had to struggle with those 5 years without Shuyi that he couldn’t control.

He couldn’t control the situation in America in his head (why he didn’t text Shuyi is his own fault but it’s a flaw of Shide to always hold back his truth so he’s suffering consequence of his actions), he couldn’t control in his head Shuyi’s father’s requests because Shuyi’s future was more important, Shuyi’s relationship with his father was more important, Shuyi’s peace and calm was more important (what he failed to see was that he was also Shuyi’s priority, happiness, future, peace and calm so again because he had self-doubt about how important he was to Shuyi he put himself in a situation where again he held back the truth which again is his flaw). Basically Shide was exhausted, and hurt because to him it was so unfair it was like all his efforts for the past 13 years when he finally got hope with Shuyi fell down the drain, because Shuyi no longer saw him as someone even worth being real to. Like Shuyi really was going to go so far in his heartbreak and hurt to also break Shide even more, Shuyi must have hated him so much to want to use him and toss him after. Shuyi’s care for him had ended. And all Shide could do was blame him self, wrap himself up in self-hate, self-doubt, insecurity and anguish as he drank with Shouyi.

Even when drunk he tried to be in control he wanted to go home, that’s what he told Shouyi, he was going to choose to keep up the façade with Shuyi and let Shuyi have his revenge or whatever with him but he couldn’t because he was no longer able to hold back because of the influence of alcohol. That’s what alcohol does, it disinhibited all his inhibitions, It made him explode with everything he was feeling, pain, suffering, longing, anger, tiredness and defeat. He was split into two people. One the Shide that was angry and upset at how Shuyi wanted to treat him, at how much everything he’d done was for nothing, but two, the Shide that had just been biding his time to be with Shuyi since 5 years, the Shide that ever since they reunited had just wanted to hold and go back to how they used to be with Shuyi hence the kissing, hence the skinship, hence the breakdowns and tests and everything that happened. That Shide was not meant to be liked, that Shide was the most vulnerable form of Shide that he was trying to hide so much.

The Problem With Gao Shide

Shide’s actions is not right but it is understandable (I mean he’s dumb and stupid for always reverting to holding back the truth and himself, and emotions from people it’s his downfall, but it’s always been his character, it’s loyal to how his character was written).  He’s always been invasive, always been secretive, always shoulders all the burden on himself so of course he does the noble idiocy trope with Shuyi’s father, of course he doesn’t tell Shuyi when he’s suffering in America, of course he doesn’t; for Shide his problems are his problems and he doesn’t want to be burden to people, he always wants to be seen as number one, now this can be anything, seen as a success to people ( wanted by people), proper and responsible for others (so they feel safe and protected with him) to be seen as strong and happy (so the people he cares about feel happy and loved). Because he lost someone that was like that to him (his father) and so he felt like he had to replace his role since a young age, he had to be that person for his mother, he had to fill up that space and do things right, and make sure he’s not a burden, he’s not weak, he doesn’t fail. Because of this he never wants to show when he’s struggling, to anyone,  even Shuyi.

It’s a flaw that he formed because it was the only way for him to stand up and take the role that kept the people he loved safe in his head. But the thing with character flaws is that they have to go through a development, so Shide has to suffer the consequences of his flaws, hence why season 2 is the way it is because it’s unveiling how he is and what he does to himself constantly, how he hurts himself because of his flaw and how he also hurts others. Again Shide and Shuyi are flawed characters since season 1, but season 2 is when we finally see them mature and have to grow from all of that just like people have to also grow and learn about their flaws and compromise when they get in a relationship. Remember the goal is pure covenant love at the end (they don’t have that yet) which is at the end of it all unconditional love. These two need to be able to learn and work through both flaws and communicate and show each other the truth, it’s only when we finally let ourselves be vulnerable with the one we love, that’s when you get that healthy, relationship, you get that healing, you get that pure love. So give them time; the truth is slowly being unveiled, this couch scene, episode 2, is the worst versions of both Shuyi and Shide. Shuyi because he’s vengeful and cruel and obsessed with wanting control and Shide because he’s Shide and he finally enters a state where he can’t do that no more, alcohol had to be the thing to finally make him stop hiding and doing everything on his own. That’s why the couch scene happened, you can argue they shouldn’t have slept together (I agree with this) we could have had the punch, we could had a different outcome or a discussion shown about why it was wrong, or even add  a trigger warning to the episode. I agree but it’s not going sway me from seeing how good season 2 is with story telling and character development, and character writing. Say what you want to say about the show but this writer hasn’t changed anything about her characters. About her aims of the show, about these twos journey since season 1. She’s always left these clues, she’s always shown what these characters are like, she’s never hid their flaws and it’s not surprising that Shide does all the things he does that are harmful to himself and Shuyi but that’s the part of learning and seeing their relationship finally tackle these issues and get to the healthy place they will end up at. And I still commend the show.  

[life-rewritten]

Color Rush ; Power Plays and Forced Mindsets (Ep 1-4)

You all know when a show takes you by surprise, you're expecting the same repetition of storylines, the same tropes, the same settings over and over again and then one show stands out; it isn't what you expected. How on earth did you find such a gem. When Korea focused on bringing out new BLs, I was astounded, because that's what we've been secretly hoping for with the talent for production, directing and storytelling even if in a low budget, Korea is the one to beat. And if they start to take BLs stories more seriously, then we were in for a treat. There were phenomenal beginnings and exciting plots, and it felt right except there was also the little minutes and the need for the ambitious plotlines chosen to be concluded correctly, but because of short screen time, the stories ended unsatisfactorily at times. But it didn't matter because as long as we keep getting new Bls from Korea, everything will be fine, one day we'll get to a show that is above all the rest. Is it too early for me to then say that Color Rush is that show we've been waiting for?

An Introduction to Color Rush

Even though it's 15 minutes air time each episode, Color Rush manages to astound and confound us each episode. It's like being on a roller coaster, the thrill, the excitement, the euphoria and the joy that such a plotline was introduced. Color Rush sounds so weird at first; it's soulmate au trope, in a world where some people can't see color and end up finding someone who makes them do so with severe side effects. Like what? Who knew we were also falling into a story with psychological implications mirroring the issues with addiction and obsession, societal issues with prejudice reflecting LGBTQ struggles and minorities, and a terrifying, thrilling and yet sweet romance that seems never to know which spectrum it's on; if it's just a cute fluffy soulmate, au or a more psychological scarier look into obsession and power plays. It's phenomenal, and it takes me on a ride every single episode when it's over, I wonder what on earth did I just watch and why do I want more.

Why do I want these two to get together despite being frightened because of what their relationship entails, why do I feel emotionally torn about the positive and benefits these two have on each other vs the adverse outcomes that could happen the more they stay together. It's a trip. And it's become my own obsession and love too. I think like Yeon Woo I'm also experiencing some kind of color rush with this show because the way I don't want it to end, and the way I'm falling for it more is just something I never thought would happen to a 15-minute episode show. Anyways we're going to be analysing the mindsets and power plays of our soulmates and the negative and positive impact their relationship brings. Could we be falling for a psychotic twisted person (Yoo Han) or could we be being lied to by the media and society on how dangerous monos are? Let's find out.

So what do we know so far in Color Rush? We have Yeon Woo a monochromatic who is neurologically color blind, because of this condition he's been forced to think he's always going to be stuck in a grey, bleak, colourless world alone. He also doesn't want to meet the person destined for him to get out of that prison in his mind, because that person will end up being in danger as monos tend to have aggressive, violent personalities when they get addicted to the color rush they feel with their probes. That person is Yeon Woo, on the other hand, he's also forced to think life is boring because he can't recognise faces, he doesn't have a long-lasting impression with people, he is looking for something to latch onto and when he notices his monos eyes change color or receive color; he gets also excited and determined to keep Yeon Woo by his side despite the pain and suffering it could bring with them being together. Yikes right? There is a weird line between these two that shouldn't be crossed, a line of addiction and passion, the more they are exposed to each other, the possession and obsession grow, and the dependency becomes like a drug killing them on the inside but providing them pleasure because of the feelings they have for each other. Let's analyse the two mindsets of these two characters first, so we get a more in-depth look into what's going on in this world of monos and probes.

Yeon Woo: Alienation and Dependence

So we have Yeon Woo, he has a mindset of a mono. He's been forced by the world to think that he's a monster because of who he is naturally. With the role of the media and society telling him monos are destined to be alone if not they will be dangerous and hurt people. He's cursed essentially and feels that he must stay alienated and alone for the sake of people's safety. He's heard and seen rumours on how dangerous monos can get when they meet their soulmate, they can kill, they can maim, they break the law irrationally, and they even become cannibals if they are forced to a mindset of obsession and addiction to the colors they need to so desperately see. Yeon Woo's world is dark; it's quite synonymous with the feelings of depression, it's heavy, it's grey, it's stagnant. The mindsets of monos are to feel this longing despair and darkness within them because they cannot see anything else, and they are being told they are meant to stay this way forever.

It's incredible how much Yeon Woo has been forced to hate himself. We find out that he's been bullied repeatedly because he's a mono, people don't like what's different, and the prejudice is against monos because the media makes everyone see them as a monster, constantly fear-mongering everyone with rumours of one incident that happened with someone who couldn't hark the addiction to color rush. The thing is monos meeting their probes is even rare, so not all monos are ever going to be stuck in a crazy obsession to see color, they just are told to prevent it as much as possible. With Bullying making Yeon Woo move schools frequently because he reacts violently to defend himself, Yeon Woo doesn't trust or have any friends that he can rely on. This must be such a lonely, depressing, heavy toll on him. But what else can he do? The one person who can help him feel some kind of happiness or difference is his probe, but he can't be with him because he'll hurt him. It's regrettable and depressing when you think about the pain he carries. Not to mention the one person who could make him feel normal, his mother, a mono has gone missing and can't be found, and he probably thinks that again it's because Monos are cursed to be forgotten and in danger. It's awful.

Yoo Han: Obsession and Possession

On the other hand, we have Yoo Han. He's the probe, so he sees color, but he actually is also very similar to Yeon Woo's plight. He has prosopagnosia, face blindness; he can't recognise people or faces. He also has to be walking through a sea of nothing and feel like he can't make connections properly with people because of it. A person with prosopagnosia may avoid social interaction by choice, so he avoids the feeling of social anxiety and just has no interest in making connections with people. He already acts like Yeon Woo, Yeon Woo also chooses to avoid people because of his condition.

This is why it's fascinating because as Yeon Woo is terrified of becoming the mono obsessed with his probe, he doesn't realise that Han is probably more obsessed with him because he can see something different on him. He repeatedly mentions that he likes seeing the different colours enter Yeon Woo's eyes, and I think that he's latched on to that. He also receives a different type of colour rush; being able to have Yeon Woo depend on him and also being able to recognise a feature on someone's face because of colour that is distinctly different each time Yeon Woo goes through a color rush. This is why I find his power-play interesting because he wants to control when Yeon Woo sees colour probably because of trying to prevent him from being addicted and obsessed, but I don't think he takes it seriously how dangerous it is to keep exposing Yeon Woo to colour so easily especially when we can all see that Yeon Woo is experiencing signs of dependency on the color rush; something he's been trying to avoid. As Yeon Woo worries about becoming this monster, he probably should keep an eye on Yoo Han who is more determined to keep him by his side and is also forming some kind of obsession and dependency on his presence.

It's meant to be the mono who's in control, who's the one that receives the most from the probe and is the one with the most power in this relationship but Yoo Han is different. He is the one who's running to his mono endlessly, ignoring the risks and choosing to make his mono get used to color rush. I don't think he's trying to make Yeon Woo go crazy on purpose, or even he knows if he's being too obsessive, but I do believe he's not fully aware of all the information or have the ability to stop the time when they cross that line, and Yeon Woo does become the thing he's afraid of becoming. Han acts like he owns Yeon Woo and wants to control his addiction and outbursts; hence he pulls away and doesn't give into Yeon Woo's demands when he gets scared of losing the color. The basis of the addiction with these two is the fear of losing what they have. This is why in episode 4 although it's romantic Yeon Woo tells Han that he wants to be with him forever, it's also frightening cause that's a sign of addiction and dependency that we know he's trying to avoid.

Being a Mono: Prejudice and Self Hate

Looking into more of the prejudice Monos receive, we can see Yeon Woo's aunt call him and try and prevent him from listening to the media, so he doesn't see himself as a monster. She knows he's always heard and believed in how the media portrayed monos. And this is why it's fascinating to me, are monos really the way people think they are or has it been imbedded into their minds to believe that what they are is wrong. See why this is a metaphor for LGBTQ and minority struggles. Whenever something is different or against societal norms, the group suffers because of growing up with the mindset that something is wrong with who they are naturally instead of actually feeling safe to be who they are and free. Monos are treated this way; they've been told that the love they have for their probes is toxic and dangerous; when really it's probably an exaggeration or can be prevented. But society has made them stop wanting to view themselves and love themselves for who they are, but instead cages them with fear every day on the news about people who aren't them. They even write lazy news reports because they just assume that all monos kill their probes and go crazy from being together. It's really an interesting question to ask. We're feeling the tension and fear Yeon Woo has, but his heart has chosen Yoo Han from the start, he knows it, but he can't help question if it's because of the color rush or because of Yoo Han. And that's where the problem lies, can love ever be good and safe with obsession and codependency?

Macbeth: Madness and Greed

Speaking of Yoo Han's mindset and tendencies. I couldn't help but notice the book that is being mentioned repeatedly in this show, Macbeth could be shadowing him as well. He wears the orange hoody the first time when the book is shown, and this is very similar to the color of the book shown in the show. Macbeth; I've mentioned before is a story about someone who is so obsessed with power that the obsessiveness leads to craziness, violence and madness. Which is similar to symptoms that monos get when they're with their probes. But I can't also help but remember episode 4 when Min Jae says a funny quote about doughnuts in relation to Macbeth. It stuck with me because it may seem like a joke about food but actually think about it. He says the twisted doughnuts become round and the round doughnuts become twisted. And I think that's something to keep in mind we've been told the monos are the issue, the monos are the ones that are twisted and dangerous, but perhaps the probes are also just as dangerous and mad. Or perhaps it's again foreshadowing that Yoo Han is the one with the obsessive dynamics in this couple.

We may be worried that Yeon Woo is the one getting obsessed and addicted to the color rush but as I've said if Yoo Han is also somehow experiencing some kind of color rush when he sees the color in Woo's eyes if he is so desperate to latch onto the idea of someone needing him he may also go into a power trip as he's already showing he is with Yeon Woo. He might want to stay in that state of control and lose his mind. And that's scary and entertaining. I think these two will end up together. They're meant to be together despite the probe mono business. They show other affections and feelings of care, love (non-obsessive), and they both find solace in each other's presence because they both are different and get each other. I'm not saying Yoo Han is going to be a dangerous criminal but we should keep an eye on him to see if there are more signs of increasing dependency and reactions to Yeon Woo not playing by his rules.

Yeon Woo and Yoo Han: Power and Control

We have a theme of control and power with these two. Yeon Woo is trying to control his situation by avoiding ever meeting his probe; he continually tries to avoid the uncontrollable longing and feelings he's starting to have for Yoo Han. Still, no matter how much logically he thinks he can, he's already wearing a jacket and moving to the door towards Yoo Han. He's uncontrollably saying what comes to his head despite trying hard to prevent them from interacting more. People mentioned that he wasn't making sense when he says he wants to avoid people, but he's eating snacks from Yoo Han and Min Jae, and he's going into the lab with Yoo Han. But what he says is just because it's automatic to him to want to say that, he's been forced in a mindset that he shouldn't be with people, so even though deep down he wants the friends, and Yoo Han, he struggles with it yet automatically gives in and does the opposite. For me, that signifies how much control he's losing of himself when it comes to Yoo Han, again the problem is the lack of control monos have when they get addicted to the color rush. Usually with love having lack of control and your walls being broken down, and you are automatically saying how you feel is meant to be a strength to the romance, for color rush, however,  signs of that just mean more worries for Yeon Woo, how long and how much more exposure can he take before he entirely crosses that line and becomes uncontrollable.

We're starting to see even more worrying effects, loss of memory. Maybe Mono's truly lose the control of themselves, their minds and more without meaning to go into a state of mania which by the end they don't recall what happened. Maybe it's in this state that they become the most dangerous. We see Yeon Woo lose his memories of how he cried and screamed to hold onto the colors of his mum in his mind, and that's again a hint that he's entering that cycle that he's trying to avoid. So we also have to keep an eye on that. If Monos are losing consciousness and having no control over their actions when they go too far, then it means it's starting to become even more dangerous for our couple as they interact.

The lack of control and power over themselves, the world and their love lives is heartbreaking and painful when you look at it. Monos have been stuck in this cycle for so long but then why are some monos able to avoid that. I'm certain Yeon Woo's mum and dad did not go through that issue, yes his dad died, but we don't really yet know the basis of his death, and I think if his mum had been involved then, Yeon Woo wouldn't think of her that fondly, so again it brings me to ask if we are all just agreeing with societal opinions on what monos are and if there is a way for them to get out of this powerless and uncontrollable situation. Can Yoo Han and Yeon Woo find a way before the dependency and blackouts increase and cause more suffering? Maybe, Yeon Woo is getting accustomed slowly to Yoo Han's color rush and they know how to reduce the fainting symptoms from too much exposure. Yoo Han may be able to do what he wants to do which is to help Yeon Woo find the control he's so desperately searching for over this condition.

We have two people who felt forced to be seen as abnormal and lonely in the world. Now they've found each other, they could be each other's companion and saving grace, who gives them more meaning to this bleak life they think they have, this happiness they feel, and yet we are also torn because they could also be each other's downfall and lead each other to a spiral of madness and guilt. It's so exciting to see where this story unfolds and what it would bring. There's still so much to analyse and look into, there's the kidnapping mystery of the mother, and with that Macbeth doughnut quote, I'm forced to believe that it might be a probe which is the actual culprit that has taken these six monos, especially for revenge or also an obsession of their relationship with their mono. The aunt is also foreshadowed to get soon hurt, and I wonder how Yeon Woo will deal with that, someone is threatening her to stop looking to the case, and she probably will find the answer before she is sadly eliminated. And we need to know more about Yoo Han, his family, background and how he knows so much about color rush and more. Is there more to his actions than just the desperate need to find someone to be by his side that he recognises or is he on his own journey to lack of control and power and madness because of his need to be with Yeon Woo. Let's find out together.

[life-rewritten]

Sana vs Yasmina; The Theme of Pride and Prejudice.

Don't wanna make this a long essay (sigh). However, it could be because this episode has a lot to unpack. Between comparing it to the OG Sana episode, which also had the same themes and ideas portrayed differently here.  Or trying to use the information already given to us by other characters. And also, remembering (which many people tend to forget), that this is all in the main character's perspective; 

Of how she sees the world,

How she views and interprets people's ideas and actions towards her Based on her preconceived notions about society

And based on her insecurities and worries about her identity.

 Because skam is always being shown through the POV of the main character, the audience is also always being misled. That, or given the same hints, clues and ideas about how the main character thinks and not really the other people's perspective until someone tells them they're wrong. People keep forgetting that Skam, that this show is based  means Shame. It's about flawed characters with shame. And what is that shame?  Basically, insecurities that are exaggerated during their storyline that pulls out themes that are very sensitive and relatable and bring up discussion and debates. People get so triggered and blame the show constantly on what it's trying to say, when really it's the main character's consistent perspective on a situation that makes certain characters be portrayed at first generically. Or stereotypical or offensive because that's what the character's mindset thinks about those characters. In Yasmina's season, her skam is her insecurities with dissociation between two worlds/lifestyles; this is the same for Sana, with religion, tradition, and beliefs, vs her relationships, her idea of fun, and the society around her and their own ways. 

Sana and Yasmina have the same perspectives (but act differently on how they deal with it), struggle with knowing who they are, what they want, and where they belong as a girl who wants the best of both worlds these two different lifestyles. And it makes her struggle. For Sana, because she was bullied severely, she had preconceived notions about everybody's actions towards her and became very defensive in her demeanour, including towards her friends and relationships. Her shame was that she couldn't be vulnerable and let herself really be free because of how she perceived; based on her experience and stereotypes, both her religion and the non-religious aspects of society. Sana had to grow open-minded and realise it's not all black and white. Yasmina is the same; she's not as defensive as Sana, who had a big flaw with this, but she's also a bit close-minded at times, only basing things/and actions on also stereotypes and insecurities about how society acts and views her. 

So it's not just her probably judging Aicha for wanting to be a little bit different with how she handles the religious aspect of her life, or her deciding about Younes's choices to not be Muslim, etc. It's also her judging her mum for her own perceived homophobic actions or her religion's perceived strict rules and laws that governs her life. Just because she sees it as this does not mean that's what's actually true. And that's what this episode is trying to bring out. 

In Sana's episode, when Yousef kisses Noora, many things escalate with the same themes; Yasmina confronts this episode with her own prejudice and pride. For example, Sana deals with ideas about Islam being connected to homophobia by society trying to judge her brother for getting into a fight with Isak. The blood on her hands from both symbolised her struggle of who she wanted to believe. In the end, she also started to listen to people and think her brother started the fight because he was homophobic when it was actually a misunderstanding. Two, she also overhears about her friendship group plans, excluding her on purpose because people have it out for her because they're Islamaphobic and dislike her defensive manner towards things, and her bossy nature. They planned to kick her out and say awful things about her, her brother and her lifestyle that already proved/triggered her own prejudiced notions about how society views her.  And lastly, she also has the guy she loves, who she has been avoiding because of her own prejudices, and struggle with tradition, kiss the one girl she has insecurities about when it comes to ideas about relationships. For Sana, Nora in Skam was seen as the ideal popular, beautiful girl. She was non-religious and so less conservative than Sana, and two because she was seen as the beauty standard (even Vilde struggles to deal with this in the past seasons) for all girls. Sana had insecurities about not being attractive or wanted for who she was by people.

So we have all of these themes to do with Sana's ideas and beliefs about how certain parts of both worlds she's torn between do things, and it all adds up to an explosion in that episode. For Yasmina, it's the opposite. In every scene of this episode, they also dealt with these themes. But instead of a big explosion, it all happened below the surface.  Rather than exploding at the same time/event all at once. We see her in this episode, in three plotlines; 

One is her fight with her self wanting to be with Younes and wanting to stay with her religious traditions. 

 Two is dealing with being excluded by her friendship group because of how people perceive her lifestyle and wanting to fight for it, vs wanting to just let it go. 

And three is confronting her mum and her issue with her friends, and certain aspects of their lifestyles as showcased by Robbe and Sander's important cameo (there's a reason why it had to be them, yes it was about homophobia but a prejudiced view on homophobia, it's a misunderstanding and they're allowed to want to tackle this topic about this prejudice) 

I'm going to try and break it down even further and connect it back to why this is just a better adaptation of skam; Sana's season. What changes have truly improved these themes and conversations but also why it's connected to Yasmina's skam/flaw in her season and how she confronts her issues with pride and prejudice, just like with her shadow character in the book the season uses, Elisabeth Bennet. 

Preconceived Notions about Family and Tradition

One, it's important to note one of the most serious changes this show has brought is deciding to reduce the importance of Robbe in Yasmina's season. Especially since Sana's relationship with Isak is what catalyses even more actions and growth to do with her skam and her season's conclusion. But it's important to note when they decide to include Robbe in Yasmina's perspective and narrative of her story. And that is this shopping scene which was done intentionally. They did invite Robbe and Sander to pick at and poke at Yasmina's insecurity about her own ideas, her own beliefs (also due to her conversations with Younes towards this too), and her own frustrations with her opinion on the rules and traditions her religion has.

 For some reason, because Yasmina is torn between two worlds, both worlds end up being seen very stereotypically. Also, both hurt her and make her feel excluded like she's not meant to be part of it. One because she has certain features of both worlds that make her identity and her beliefs, and the other because the other side of them makes her feel ashamed and insecure about her lack of connection towards them. One example of doing with this that has always been a fear of Sana's and growth for her is how she perceives Islam and Homophobia,  a big stereotypical issue that most religious teens have to deal with and question. It's all based on old traditional beliefs, ideas and more, and this causes a stigma and stereotype that all Muslims have an issue with this topic. 

Yasmina, like Sana, has to learn in Robbe/Isak season how sometimes it can make the community feel hurt and alienated, and she has to apologise when she realises what her actions have done. In her season, this still stays with them in their head, including the fact that their love life is also connected to this topic again. So Yasmina has, unfortunately (and she's allowed to be flawed in her thinking since she's growing and young and learning), also taken in some of these ideas, like Sana does when she thinks Elias could be homophobic in her season. She completely refuses to communicate and trust his point of view initially, and she has to apologise for it later. This is the same with Yasmina. Because it's in her point of view, specific actions of others are exaggerated or focused on more than they should; they are misinterpreted; this is not the show doing another stereotypical portrayal of Homophobic Muslims. No, it's showing what Yasmina's flawed mindset and insecurity is about this topic, she instantly thinks her mum is acting that way. And she misinterprets her mum's actions, bear in mind she's not the only one, just like Isak also caused an issue in Sana's season that caused the fight, Robbe misunderstands her mum too. 

Her mum is not having a problem with their relationship; she's having an issue with them because it's already been stated that Yasmina feels pressure about her mum's dislike of her friend's because she's worried they'll pull her away from her identity. The thing is, her mum has always said this, she later repeats it after this scene to Yasmina, but of course, everyone, including Yasmina, failed to trust her on that because we're in Yasmina's perspective, the doubts have sown into our minds, and her actions scream just that. But to see people heavily misunderstand this scene again and not see that they're trying to exaggerate and focus. Yasmina's own prejudice on her mum's opinions is sad because it's precisely that. Her mum is wrong for alienating her friends but the reason why she does has been skewed and wrongly viewed like Elias in Sana's season with a stereotypical, Islamaphobic lens.

 This is how Yasmina's prejudice can sometimes make her see things and feel like she doesn't belong there. There's so much more to say about this whole issue, but this was the first similar issue/theme shown in Sana's episode that also was brought up in this episode, something Yasmina after hell week, would find out she's wrong about, her family loves her, they might be traditional, but she's allowed to have own identity and be loved for who she is and how she acts. This is also why there's more tension showcasing her disconnection from her family's actions towards her. And her own values and fears about the strictness of her religion.  Even though it doesn't have to be that way, it does for now in her head.

Exclusion and Alienation with Friendship

This is another one that has been stretched out differently to Sana's season, but it's the same theme and struggle. Except, Yasmina has already actually had a reason to feel all her insecurities and opinions on society views. As it's being proven by just listening to these girls in the bathroom. For her, it's frustrating because even when she tries to stand up to them, she can't. They act dumb, naive and afraid of her, making it look like she's the one that's aggressive/crazy. It's so frustrating; what this does is that it pokes at her insecurities about her other lifestyle. It disconnects her from the feeling of confidence for the friends she makes or allows. Maybe her mum is right. She's too different; the worlds are too diverse. Thus, this is poking at her;  the reason she's being excluded is her strong convictions with her religion. Like with Sana (though Sana was more aggressive and defensive about it), everyone makes assumptions that she can't go, that she's not free to be with her friends, that her religion holds her back. They have so many stereotypical Islamaphobic ideas towards her (reasons for why Sana was bullied when she was young.) 

Yasmina is slowly dealing with this because once anxiety and negative thoughts trickle in, there's no point in stopping. Even though Luca is by her side and is protective of her, Yasmina's insecurities and pride are starting to combat what she believes on the surface vs what society makes her think she should feel. This is where the struggle with pride comes in with Sana and her, except Yasmina does it by holding it in and not discussing properly with Luca why she's not going, what she heard, what they did. It's again because Sana's friends did not have this information. They also kept on being part of the exclusion and alienation of her from the event, and that's precisely what's going to happen, probably with Yasmina.

 Sana had so many years of defending herself and protecting herself when it came to issues like this, and so every chance she got, she was judgy and refused to trust the actions of people who only meant right by her at times. However, Yasmina is only starting to deal with that anger and frustration; we know she, like Sana, also tends to snap and react defensively when she feels she's being attacked. Now with all of the things that have built up this episode, any actions of Luca, Kato or even Amber will seem prejudiced or will seem like they're making fun of her too, she'll be defensive, she'll hurt them with words without meaning to, and she'll explode. And this is what happens when you use pride and ego to try and avoid the circumstance of feeling like you don't have anything to offer to people to make them stay. And this is literally what Yasmina's head is starting to say to her. She doesn't belong in both worlds; she has parts of her identity in. She has betrayed her own self because it doesn't have its own place of belonging in society. What should she do? And we know how Sana reacts to this; the question is, how will Yasmina deal with her skam and insecurities. Her feelings of loneliness and depression. 

The Ill Fated Struggles of Romance 

Yousef; our soulmate for Sana, the one guy who for some reason makes her feel like her insecurities are lies. He accepts her for who she is, and he's constantly showing her that. Younes is the same; he's been a protector, someone to talk to and discuss her issues with, someone who makes her feel safe and ticks all her boxes even though he's not ticking them. Yasmina, like Sana, makes a decision after constantly being in her head to show him she's serious; she chooses to finally go to him. This is actually more than what Sana does in her season. Yasmina was going to let everything go and run to her safe place, which has become him in a way. He reminds her that she's okay being herself and that she has someone who sees her and gets her. However, it's ironic; this is one of the best changes, in my opinion, a Sana season has ever done. Because it really starts to flesh out this skam of Yasmina, which she confronts with pride and prejudice. Making another Muslim girl the Noora of the season makes that conversation about religion, identity, and insecurity even more prominent. 

Aicha is the symbolism of someone who also has both worlds that Yasmina feels disconnected from; however, in Yasmina's perspective, Aicha is the one who's meant to take her place because she's connected to religion similar to the way Younes is.She's strongly not following the traditions and ideas bestowed on her, but also, she's the only connection of a Muslim friend/lifestyle that Yasmina has as well. It's heartbreaking because Aicha makes Yasmina question things, whether she is also prejudiced towards people who do things differently for their own idea of identity and freedom.  Whether she's meant to also switch her identity and give up on her own beliefs and convictions. Since that's what society wants that in her head. To get the best of both worlds. Or whether she's not meant to believe (like Sana also feared) that someone would want her for her true self. 

Again Yousef/Younes is so vital to this skam/dilemma of these two because they are the most significant symbolism of the disconnect between the two worlds. When it comes to relationships, the show shows what is seen as a classic stereotypical version of what love is meant to be for Yasmina (with her mum discussing her cooking habits, her ideas on romance/marriage and who would want her). Still, yet the show also shows the struggle with attraction and lust that comes with love. That always feels like an illogical/incorrect path (because Yasmina/Sana fears that they'll be shamed for it by the religion or forced to do things that aren't for them because society thrives on the sexuality of relationships in media/life as a norm). Again they're teenagers; this is precisely what we come to learn about relationships and love as we grow; we question so many parts of ourselves; love brings out insecurities, it also makes you free. 

Love is a perfect way to showcase this dilemma and theme in Sana/Yasmina's season. This is why Yousef/Younes are always non-religious because they represent all of the insecurities and fears of both worlds the girls are part of. And that's why Sana's season always gets me even when the issues aren't solved later on correctly; the risk to bring this conversation to girls like Yasmina and Sana who go through the same worries, ideas of self, and struggles it's really relatable, and Sana was the first person I felt so incredibly represented by as a POC religious girl. 

With Sana, she had to watch Yousef kiss Noora (which was her biggest fear/biggest insecurity and shame that she had about herself because she didn't look like her. Sana hated feeling this because she wanted to always have pride and be all about defence and protection, but it was her most significant vulnerability that she struggled with. It made her truly believe in all of the truths about stereotypical ideas about teenage/young love and society's beauty standards and norms; this now isn't always true. Still, in Sana's, this was how she viewed society at times.) Meanwhile, Yasmina sees Aicha, someone she's already judgy of, worried about, and insecure about;  be close to Younes, be chosen by Younes after she got denied by him and show intimacy in a way that she and him could never do. Mostly because she wouldn't let herself do that (which is fine if that's how she is, but it makes her insecure, filled with worries that she pushes people away for being herself/anti societal norms). 

Aicha brings up all of those insecurities that she's been trying to push down with this matter, and it hurts to see her finally break down and be tired of it all. The best thing about this; is that this is a misunderstanding, and needs like in Pride and Prejudice, communication and openmindedness. Younes doesn't know what Yasmina has seen, and we know if he did, he would prevent it, but also, this will make Yasmina go in defence mode. Of course, he wasn't true. Of course, he didn't actually like her. Of course, he wasn't meant for her. These insecurities and doubts spiral and make her grow a wall due to pride and ego defence mechanisms like Sana. All she has to do is speak to them, but her stereotypical ideas in her head, her fears and her prejudices towards them will prevent her from communicating correctly, will probably cause her to lash out. (She may even like Sana make Aicha's actions exposed to her parents, which would be awful to do, but that's Aicha's secret that has been shown again. Remember Skam has flawed characters, teenagers that make mistakes and learn from them. Wtfock tends to exaggerate skams (flawed actions)  a lot)  but also, her pride will prevent her from wanting to show she's vulnerable to him and make him see she's hurt. But again, we all know this is a misunderstanding; this is based already on ideas in Yasmina's head, just like with her mum, just like with her friends and just like with Younes. It's all to do with what she's been going through the whole season. Her biggest fear, her biggest worry, not being enough, just being herself, not belonging anywhere and not getting a happy life because of her abnormal identity. She sees herself as strange; she's not, same as Sana did. And that is her Skam, which is the theme of Sana's seasons constantly. 

Again I ask the audience to calm down every time something happens in Skam. People will make mistakes; it doesn't promote any ideas until the show is over. You have to wait to see why they've put something there. There was a reason why Robbe had to think he was facing homophobia again in a season to do with that narrative. There's a reason why Aicha, despite Yasmina telling her she likes Younes is touchy with him (he may be a sibling to her etc. she's just flirty and loud with her personality. It's not wrong or right if she and Younes have an idea about what they are to each other). There's a reason why both Younes and Aicha showcase different parts of how people act with religion, it's relatable for some people, but also it makes Yasmina face her own stereotypical prejudices towards her own ideas about religion. The show isn't trying to be stereotypical with what they show; it's being or showing stereotypical actions because the main character has that issue; she has problems with judgement and misinterpretation because she's young and needs to learn just like we also were in this age. 

The journey to finding your identity, your beliefs, your self and trust where you belong is a long one in high school, so many people feel abnormal because of societal norms, so many people feel like they don't belong, this is not saying that Religion is wrong or right, it's just saying Yasmina in her world, in her perspective has been brought up with certain ideas, opinions, and as she grows she learns which is suitable to her, and which is wrong, she learns to stand up for her self, and realise she's okay being who she is, she'll be loved by the people around her, and just like everybody else around her, she can find love, she can be fun, she can still love God and religion, she can be herself and have her own version of happiness, and that's what life is. 

That's what Skam tries to show every teen and person who feels ashamed for what they are, or what they believe, it's important, this whole idea of immediately judging a scene without waiting to understand why that scene is essential (which can only be done after the show has ended) is very frustrating, especially when the show can be lifechanging for so many people who relate to it and find strength and belonging to it. All I'm saying is chill, wait, stop overreacting and let the show tell its story first. Because for so far, wtfock is making a fantastic Sana adaptation that has been given effort, energy and thought. Please, let's calm down and see it unfold, okay?

[life-rewritten]

Fish Upon the Sky Episode 1-7 (The Problems with Walls; An analysis on Duen and Pi)

I swear, if I could just settle down, stop running away and actually analyse FUTS the way I usually do. I would have so many essays by now on how authentic and deep this show can get with some of its characterisations. As I  write this FUTS essay that has constantly been plaguing me and making me frustrated that no one else is seeing these themes, I realise again sadly how this director has sadly failed to show the vision of what he wanted for the series.  An essay on how DuenMeen and MorkPi mirror each other so much with their themes, it sounds crazy to think that they do because their storylines on the surface seem different at times. Still, also their love interests act differently towards them, and they have different dynamics with them. But that's what's so great about meta and mirroring in TV, especially in shows that aren't meant to be seen as deep or purposely filled with hints and clues to break down. Fish upon the Sky is one of those shows. It struggles to find a balance between wanting to be more profound and showing exciting themes vs pleasing and appealing to the audience, using humour and other exaggerated performances/narratives to do so. However, the writer of Fish upon the sky novel has always had her works struggle with these issues and themes. Jittirain always writes emotional stories about unrequited love, with different lessons, ideas, or characterisations that people fail to understand or truly value because the meta/depth of their personalities is hidden or misunderstood by their own directors. This is what happened in  2gether; this is what also happened in Theory of Love.

A Misunderstood Duo

In order to really understand how grand the narrative the show is failing to truly flesh out is, you need to understand that Pi and Duen (the two main characters of the show) are the narrators of both their own stories. Pi's is Fish upon the sky whilst Duen is Leech upon the sky (😂😂) but what's great is that you can already see the mirroring/similarities just by their titles. Even though their insecurities and worries seem different, it's the same theme for them;  both struggle with love because they secretly have a lot of self-deprecation and hesitancy from how people have treated them. It's not as noticeable when you see Duen's characterisation/storyline, but if you truly focus on the themes of his narrative without being distracted by the loud comedic routine he has, you'd see that his biggest insecurity, that he tries to be defensive and act like he doesn't care about is his dumbness. He genuinely feels weaker/inferior because he's known as being dumb to everyone around him. He struggles to process anything that is complex and requires more depth or thought.  It's played for laughs because he relishes in the idea that people feel exasperated by his actions. He acts like he doesn't get bothered by how people perceive him because he's still seen as socially acceptable, unlike Pi, who's actually bullied and alienated from society because of his own 'flaws'.

But you can see that it's all a façade when it comes to Duen, just like with how Pi handles his own insecurities and trauma to do with his perceived flaws. It's why Duen chooses to lie to Meen that he's a dentist. He didn't want him to see him the same way others do. This already should show that he doesn't actually enjoy being seen as dumb, but he has walls up to make it seem like he doesn't care. He knows he's constantly being compared to others, but he can't change who he is (just like Pi didn't also want to change how he looked or acted to please people at first). So he jokes and tries to see a positive in being that way; he starts to want to slack off and cheat off others when it comes to work. He stops taking University seriously and repeats classes constantly because he always fails. That is until Meen shows up, and then he starts to want Meen to believe he's something more. Why?

But in case I haven't repeated it enough, Duen is like Pi, whose insecurity is easier to see since we watched him get attacked and bullied for it immediately in the first episode. It's Pi's true thoughts and opinions we see in the show as the audience, whilst Duen's story is hidden with comic relief and unseriousness. They both try to act like they're okay with what they are being judged by in society. Thus, they act confident, they're both loud, they're selfish, acting like they don't care how people see them. Preventing others from getting to hurt them by making it look like they are in control of what they have and use that to their own advantage with others.

They both stay heavily in denial about their true feelings in general, but primarily with the critical focus; the people who make them question everything about their flaws that come into their life and frighten them the most. The ones that break down those facades; make them automatically want to run away whilst being unable to stop showing and escaping their true feelings whenever they're in their presence.

The Use of Humour and Sarcasm 

So what we end up with is a narrative with two incredibly annoying and flawed characters who are seen in the audience as exaggerated caricatures for comic relief and shallow storytelling. And it's brilliant because both their unlikable/loud, selfish personalities are just fake walls built, so they don't crumble and get affected by how society views them or wants them to act. So you see, there's the issue that people keep misunderstanding about these two stories, especially about these two brothers. They're realistic; they're flawed because they've been affected by society and the environment around them. They're acting like how anyone who's been hurt before would act, they have built up walls, and they've decided to just stay by themselves and let that guide them in everything. They deal with their issues with sarcasm and humour to reduce the seriousness of the situation, so they don't appear weak or let anything hurt them.  

That's why I love this narrative of FUTS, it's meta and more profound than people think, but because the director doesn't do the best to show it, it can get lost in all the exaggerated humour. For example, with Pi, because he's socially anxious and always overthinks how people think of him (due to his past experiences of being abused and hurt by being ignorant of how people thought of him), his world is wildly exaggerated in his head. The way he narrates the story is played for laughs and is a very telling and realistic representation of how overthinking is expressed in his mind; it's overdone, loud and nonsensical at times. That's what social anxiety does; it makes you cry about one stare, one laugh, one action someone does, it makes you panic over the most minor things, and Pi does that with panic and boisterous, sarcastic humour from the start of the show.

Hence his story also has exaggerated humour because he deals with his issues with that fake jokes and sarcasm. So the show also exaggerated humour too when we are in his perspective.  This is actually similar to Duen's breaking the 4th wall narrative style of his storyline. As with Duen, whose narrator of his story mocks and laughs at his actions ironically. When really that is just literally himself fighting with his inner voice about his true feelings about Meen. He breaks the 4th wall because he's internalising his own emotions and dealing with them as a skit; the narrator is his true self ridiculing him for not accepting that he has feelings for Meen and that he's not as bright/cool as he thinks he is. So if we understand this and notice that the narrator makes fun of him constantly and jokes about his actions, you'll realise that Duen sees himself that way too; he sees himself as a joke. He doesn't see himself as suave and carefree; he actually mocks himself internally for being dumb and being gross.

Pi: The Need for Protection and Avoidance 

So already, just from breaking it down with this point of view, Duen and Pi mirror each other so well, and their narratives because of this focus on the same themes and ideas of self-discovery. Both are flawed characters with a lot of vulnerabilities and pain that they refuse to deal with properly. An id ego defence mechanism catalysed because of their past experiences and protection of their mental space. They both stay in denial, hurting who they love by refusing to let them get to see them without the walls down and more. Pi hates that he loses control with Mork and refuses to let Mork have his heart because he believes Mork is too good for someone like him secretly.  He knows he'll be the one damaged. Hence the choice to intentionally misinterpret his brother's metaphor on the vaccine analogy and view it as the complication with getting with Mork. Let me try and use this to break down his mindset with why he chose to still choose Nan even though he knows (he does know) that he wants to be with Mork romantically. Listen to the analogy his brother uses. He mentions the iatrogenic vaccine, a vaccine intended for a patient that starts helping the patient be well but actually causes more harm than good. The end result is because of the incompatibility of the vaccine and the time it takes for those results to show up in the patient and make their lives affected in a negative conclusion.

 A vaccine ironically is meant to be an antidote, something that saves people, that helps and makes them feel better. And that's what Mork says he wants to be for Pi, it's romantic, but once his brother announces a different version of a vaccine, Pi jumps with that analogy and believes that's the truth about Mork and him that makes sense to him, than seeing it positively. So with this analogy, we can break it down this way:

The Iatrogenic vaccine was too different and incompatible with the patient. Which is what Pi believes about Mork. Remember, Pi doesn't think  (because of what people have told him) that he deserves loyalty and love from people better looking/capable than him. He sees Mork in this light from the start; he views Mork as a rival because Mork is good looking, popular, strong and cool, basically things that are not associated with Pi to others.  So Mork and him are incompatible in Pi's mind.  This is why Pi constantly asks Mork why he wants to be close to him. He just doesn't understand it.  

Second, the Iatrogenic vaccine starts off good but causes damages in an irreparable way to the patient. It's the patient that ends up being affected by this vaccine interaction, not the vaccine that caused it. Before Wan starts this vaccine conversation, he discusses how people around his hospital are patients primarily because of heartbreak; they come in with damaged mindsets, broken hearts and self-harming injuries because of being hurt by love and letting themselves be vulnerable to that. All Pi hears is people hurt themselves over the pain of heartbreak and being abandoned. That's the complication if he does finally trust Mork. Especially after Mork and him get to be close, it'd be just like with everyone who has gotten to know him in the past, who stayed by his side as 'friends', once they learnt about him, what they said is that he wasn't worth being loyal to. So many people used and deserted him, and it almost broke him. This is why Pi grow the walls he has now. Even though Pi is chasing after Nan, he's not expecting an answer from Nan that's positive; Nan is a fantasy, something he can use as a goal to want to keep chasing and distracting himself from that singleness and loneliness he felt at the start of the show. This is why he's doing all of this; he just wants a distraction from the mess of his life. But to Pi, Mork? Mork is real. He's serious; he's someone who Pi actually truly will be damaged by if he's hurt and left by him; he's someone who Pi truly loves and is real to Pi, it's terrifying, and so he rather just avoid that because of the risk of a complication. To be that patient tricked by the vaccine and left to deal with those consequences all alone? Yeh, no, he can't do that.  Pi sees him as a friend and doesn’t want to end that because that's the first thing in a while that has made him feel actually happy being himself and accepted. Being friends with Mork makes him feel safe. So again, it's selfish, but it’s all about him preserving what he already has with Mork rather than damaging it.

Those complications are exactly that result if he lets Mork in romantically and Mork sees his true self and leaves like everyone; it’s not Mork who’d be hurt. It’s Pi who’d have nothing more to believe in if he lets himself be that vulnerable. Again Pi is thinking with his head when it comes to Mork; there’s a massive risk if someone takes the wrong vaccine, that person is damaged because of it. Pis journey with Mork is the same thought process that friends to lovers have. The fear of losing each other if they cross that line, of taking things too far and ruining the foundation they had that made them safe. The fear of the love being false as it always has been from others.  Pi thinks he likes Mork because how can he not? However, Mork is always there, making it hard for him to think. He associates Mork with niceness and protectiveness, but that doesn’t mean he has to accept him romantically, and Mork sees right through him and is fond of breaking down those walls he put so high up to ensure he doesn't get hurt again. Mork is the one pushing Pi further away from him the more he clings because Pi doesn’t like losing control. Same as Duen. And Mork doesn’t let him just figure it out without manipulating everything; the more he does that, the more Pi feels manipulated and tricked into wanting Mork as a partner, and that's too scary for Pi. This is why it’ll be massive when he finds out who Mork truly is on his phone as the guy from nearby faculty.

Duen: The Need for Nonchalance and Ignorance

Duen is the inversion with his storyline; he tries to look cool and better to Meen,  refusing Meen to see him when he's worried, anxious or insecure because he himself shuts off those emotions whenever Meen triggers them. He doesn't want to face the truth, that he hates being seen as dumb and not being seen as a hero to Meen. He lies to Meen because he's trying to keep him by his side without actually letting him see his true self. After all, if he does, he also may judge or leave him too (guess what same as Pi's worries with Mork. Mirroring!).  Duen tries to act unaffected just like Pi does with Mork because again, they both know once they break down and give in, there's no turning back, they will be exposed, and the' truth' about them (which they believe and see about themselves) will push the people they truly want by their sides away.

So instead, they grapple for control by faking lack of care and feelings for their partner; they refuse to apologise quickly and refuse to give in easily to them to further their relationships, increase their trust and let them in. They refuse to let go of their fake personas and fake masks and walls they've built and try hard to hold onto the facade, which hurts Meen and Mork in the end. They both push and pull and show signs of vulnerability and romance only when they're alone with no one else around (like the tent scene with MeenDuen and the after school night scene with MorkPi outside). They show worry, devotion, and they show that they want them by their side. And these are the moments when we actually get to truly see who they are without their walls, their fake personas unshed, and their niceness, their care and protectiveness over them exposed.

Wan: The Comparison and Norm

When we're first introduced to the show, Wan is mentioned almost immediately as we see Pi's struggles. Because of Wan's reputation, people choose to crowd around Pi, and it's sad, but I also think Duen also had this same issue, just a bit different. With Pi, it's about his outer appearance, his beauty standards vs society's. It's exposed to him he lacks those, but it's his intelligence similar to Wan that makes people stay by his side at first.  He also studies dentistry as Wan studied Medicine, viewed by societal standards as impressive and praiseworthy. Pi is used by people who want to both get to Wan and want to profit from his brain and abilities. Duen is the inverted version of this; he is seen as handsome and cool and aloof, a bit messy, but the reason why Meen first leaches onto him is his street smarts and survival skills with social interactions, he knows the right people, he is seen as cool by others including Pi, but he's also seen as dumb. He's failed repeatedly, unlike his brothers at trying to obtain a degree.  So he has the outer appearance but lacks the next valuable thing in society's opinion; brains and the ability to increase your status by your talents and skills. Duen lacks that; he doesn't have any specific things about himself that he can fully be proud of. He's not highly talented, he's not intelligent, and he's also not viewed by women as extremely attractive or awe-worthy. He nonchalantly takes on this persona; he chooses to block any worries about things being serious because he lacks the smarts to think of things deeply or ponder about life's questions.

He's insecure, however, about this, and you see it when he tries to join in with Wan and Pi when they discuss vaccines and love. As Pi transforms for Nan, his lie is that he's well of without other people in his life like Mork; he pretends he's okay being seen as loud, not friendly, selfish etc.  Duen's own lie to Meen is that he is a version of Wan, of what people think Wan is; intelligent, put together and reliable. Because what Duen wants from Meen all the time (he doesn't realise he already has this devotion from Meen for just being himself when he's not trying) is for Meen to want to rely on him since that's precisely what Meen keeps telling him he likes about him, or wants to learn from him; street smarts etc. Duen likes being seen as a protector, a hero, a helper etc., to Meen. And that's why he stays adamant with his lie and refuses to let Meen truly see him below the surface.

Like Pi, he also doesn't want to admit what he knows and has fought to accept, which is, he loves Meen and wants him by his side. It's the fear of losing what he has with Meen that makes him do what he does, which is the same reason Pi also keeps rejecting Mork; it's the fear of losing him. And that's the ironic thing about Pi and Duen, they're ironically trying to preserve what they love, but because of scars, insecurities and walls, they're hurting the ones they love by just refusing to be their authentic selves. It's ironic because they think being themselves is the worst option. Yet, on the surface, they act like they're fine with who they are, they're loud about being carefree of what others think of them, they're okay if these two leave them, but in reality, their worst fears are admitting that they agree with what people see in them as flaws, that they also hate themselves for that. That's heartbreaking because they fought so hard to keep loving themselves, to keep believing in their worth, but society made them genuinely think that they're wrong. And it's painful but realistic.

Again they're all similar and mirror each other. I just want people to understand that FUTS is a deep show; I know the director doesn't do the best job with what he's been trying to show, but it is deep; there is thought at times put to it in the profound moments. In the moments where both Pi and Duen aren't being fake and are their true selves, you'll notice that the jokes and humour slowly reduce whenever they are true; the narrator also reduces for Duen because he doesn't struggle as much with his feelings for Meen like he did at the first time. All the stuff that happens in the show is on purpose, even if done messily and poorly. People love to hate on the show. It has a lot of flaws, I know, but it's not the worst thing; it has deep characters that are incredibly flawed and hurt (even Mork, who we still hope will get to understand his story) it has people that act one way on the surface but hold deep scars and pains below whilst wearing a mask. The characters are unlikable because they are realistic to how people with self-sabotaging habits and deprecation act. That's why I like this show. And I'm sad I wasn't writing out more all about the meta and moments I've enjoyed so far. Anyway, I'm grateful this show has been shown this year; it definitely made me ponder my own ideas about how I view myself and if I have walls up around the people I love. I think many people do relate to Pi or Duen somehow, and it's unfortunate that the director doesn't help us feel the same way about the narrative when it's actually a great BL story to unravel and watch.

[life-rewritten]

True Beauty; Problematic Bullies and Strained Friendships

Can I just say that these two episodes of true beauty have left me again with so much anger and disappointment? I've just spent the last 30 minutes sighing and shaking my head and cursing some of these stupid, frustrating characters. Now it's not even Soojin I'm cursing surprisingly, I have a different bone to pick with her, and a different perspective, but it's everyone in that stupid school, society, just everyone who switched at the end of episode 12. Now I did see it coming, but the fact that it's the same video of Kyung being treated like an animal that is what got them to switch without any morals or understanding, or pity, is so disgusting to me. I'm left cursing all the people who were Kyung's friend, who supported her and then just left her by her self to deal with this because of pettiness and anger that she lied to them. Make it make sense. The characters in this show sometimes act like one-dimensional puppets just doing whatever is the status quo, robotically seeing someone as of less worth because of their looks, feeling cheated for no reason (like she's not even friends with some of these people) because someone 'ugly' is hiding behind makeup, like what? It doesn't add up. Anyway apart from the focus on bullying which I will be breaking down more, I'm glad to see the tag and social media is less focused on the love triangle and more understanding about Suho now, I mean why not, he's a good boyfriend, but what I actually wanted to praise was the depiction of friendship with Suho, Seyeon and Seojun, and Suho and Seojun's journey in reuniting their bond again. It made me cry a few times, and it was very heartwarming. But it's just depleting my energy, even more, when I have to contrast it with Soojin's downfall. Sigh what a depressing reveal as a villain. Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts so let's get to it.

THE PROBLEM WITH BULLYING

What I like about True Beauty is that it does these interesting foreshadows/mirroring to certain situations that the audience will soon see show up. In episode 11, Suho is broken down and haunted by the reveal of what happened to his best friend however the show fleshes out and gives us more information, and depth to Seyeon as a character and the intense friendship between the three boys. At first, I wondered where this flashback would lead us to; however, I started to notice the similarities, the foreboding trajectory of Kyung's storyline in episode 11/12 to Seyeon's own betrayal and downfall.

Seyeon's story of how he became framed by his bullies once they discovered he was famous is so startling and similar to how JK's ruin takes place. She got immensely known and was put in the spotlight, and then because of a bully and someone she calls a friend; she was also framed differently as being someone who she isn't. The same reasons why Seyeon was attacked was because he lied about who he was, he had a lot of people who loved and admired him, and his reveal betrayed them, he was set up because of coldness, callousness and manipulation. This is the same with Kyung by the end of episode 12.

Let's talk about how True Beauty shows bullying as a focus; We have different characters that are connected, affected and pushed to the brink because of bullying. We also have the bullies some surprising; some just disgusting and frustrating, but also society plays a role in this bullying as well. Let's look at the characters:

Seyeon: Framed and Misunderstood 

First of all, it's heartbreaking to know more about what happened to Seyeon in the past, and it's even painful to know his story ended. From what I'm getting from his life story, Seyeon was quiet, shy, introverted but I think he also was a bully victim. He changed his name to Seyeon when he moved and found Suho and Seojun, and because of them, he learnt to fall more in love with his passion; music. (This is so eerily similar to Kyung changing her past, also finding her own passion and happiness which is makeup). Now he felt alone all his life before this because he was getting bullied and finally he got his debut as a star, and he managed to become more confident, successful and happy.

The problem is his bullies weren't letting go (like the frustrating harpies of Park Se Mi), they decided to make his life hell, so they posted a rumour, that Seyeon wasn't who he said he was (which might be true, he changed his identity probably to run away from the past) but they also made up more about him, they framed him instead as the bullies, and they twisted his story. Because of their actions, and Seoyeon feeling like his past was brought back, when he ran to Suho to ask for help, he felt like Suho believed the news and broke down in despair by himself in anxiety, probably PTSD and depression and he took his life.

Now let's pause there for a minute because we now know how this affected Suho significantly, but this is how True Beauty emphasises the amount of pain, suffering and anxiety Kyung ends up in, in episode 12. The same heartbreak, the same fear, the same worries, and the same comments and people dragging her down because of her looks. Now with Seyeon, as much as I hate cancelling nature, and social media bullying, the reveal that he was a bully, despite it not being real, I can understand some of the reactions people would have against him because as we're seeing, bullies in Korean Culture aren't cute, they're worse than other bullies, they drive people to take their lives with the extent of physical, emotional and psychological harm they inflict on someone. People thinking Seyeon was one of those people is quite shocking and should be called out; however compare this to Kyung's own situation.

Whilst Seyeon was being attacked for a valid reason from society, Kyung was being attacked for being ugly. Like compare causing harm to people by psychologically and emotionally abusing them to not having the perfect face structure, having acne because you were born that way, like compare that to what Seyeon was being blamed for. Does that make sense? And the frustrating thing about it is Kyung has a right to hide if she wants to under makeup, it's not like people have really given her a choice to avoid taking things this way. The upsetting thing about this is it's not just a picture of Kyung's face that is causing this uproar of feeling betrayed. It's not a picture where she seems happy and safe, and her life is unbothered by these things she has to hide. But it's a video of her being treated as less than a human, a video where she is being taunted and spoken to vilely, a video where she's having trash tossed on her, and she's breaking down psychologically and emotionally. A video where she's genuinely being denounced for being born.

It's unsettling. And it's ironic because Seyeon was being attacked and talked about by righteous teens about bullying and being woke about people who do this, but really society just stands by idly and judge someone because they're ugly. Being ugly is apparently enough reason for why bullying is okay, it's enough because she apparently shouldn't be allowed to live her life how she wants, it's so sick, they'd throw pitchforks at Seyeon for being the bully of people but also turn a blind eye and join in with bullying a girl because she doesn't fit their natural standards of beauty? It's sick.  It's unsettling, and it calls out the hypocrisy of people, people who just want to see people lower than them suffer. What gives them the right to speak about Kyung this way? What makes them superior to her? Because they're pretty? Because they don't have acne? Like what is the problem? Why are they so butthurt by her hiding her face with makeup and looking good. I just don't understand it. I'm very emotional about this as you can tell, so I'm going to have to move on, I just wanted the parallel of Seyeon and Kyung's storyline to be noticed.

Kyung; Ignored and Betrayed

Let's focus on Kyung in episode 11/12. She goes through her normal anxiety and worries, and at first, she doesn't communicate her fears to Suho. But I have to say that Kyung was starting to realise that she couldn't be paralysed by her PTSD. Actually, she bravely goes to Soojin to confess about Suho which I was so proud of her for, but she also goes back to save Hyemi from her bullies despite her anxiety and worry she'll get found out. Her concern was valid, stopping Semi was going to put a target on her back, and also Hyemi betrayed her before, so she has every right to feel some kind of way towards her. However, despite that, Kyung stood up for someone else in her position again. And it's something that I love about her, and I think she'll probably find her dream job doing, later on, we've seen her do this with Gowoon and help her come of her anxiety and depression and put makeup on her to get confidence and sing in front of people.

We saw her protect Hyemi this episode; I'm sure that's what she'll do in the future is help girls like her who feel the same broken, fear, and pain at how they were born. She'll be someone who stands up and helps them regain their confidence like Selena did for her. It's really inspiring and wonderful to see her find that passion slowly and make her dreams come true in that way. Kyung helping Hyemi shows her character, and she could have been like these slimy people and try and get revenge or be annoyed at her forever, but she just walks away and lets her be and prevents her from ending up in the same state she was in, in episode 1.  The sad, painful truth is Kyung has been proven right, why she was so afraid to trust people, to tell people about who she really was, why she struggled with trusting Suho with the information, people are fickle, and they switch based on shallow things, like appearance, popularity, money etc. Kyung's friends proved to her that she was right to not trust them with it, even Soojin who was meant to be her helping hand sat there (I mean she's the person who caused it) but she sat there and watched Kyung deal with her break down. It's just so messed up.

Hyemi; Forced and Tormented

Speaking of Hyemi, Hyemi also showed the same reasons for why Kyung has been so scared and worried about everything; these bullies are so weird, they make it their life goal to keep someone as their victim under this messed up of form of slavery and ownership. Hyemi ran away after feeling guilty of what happened to Kyung, she reported Semi and her harpies and tried to restart her life. Like Kyung, however, she got caught immediately, and we see what would have happened if Kyung hadn't leaned in heavily to makeup at the start. She won't be able even to walk the streets without those bullies finding her and getting her back under their abuse. And it's so disgusting. Semi is so worrying as a person; sometimes I feel like she deserves jail for all the pain she causes to people. She takes pleasure in breaking people down because she's afraid they'd take away her spotlight? I don't really understand this type of need for power, but it's disgusting. As much as Hyemi disappointed me in episode 1, she has no choice like Kyung but to betray her friend because it's soul-crushing the type of bullying, her and Kyung go through because of these girls. She has no choice in the matter because even when she tries to do good, they find her and they make her life even more hellish, and because she's 'ugly' as people keep saying, no one helps her, like with Kyung. They sit by and watch and say she deserves it. And the one person who does help every time has also been transformed because of her own bullying situation. And it's again heartbreaking.

Soojin; Regressed and Transformed

So remember how I said that Soojin is not who I'm cursing by the end of this episode. I'm so angry and upset at her; I was also disappointed with the writing because it's basic and I detest girl hate. Soojin's character has now been ruined officially; there's no way she can come back from her actions this episode. She's become essentially like Semi, and it's painful to watch. First of all, she tried to pretend things were okay in episode 11, she did try, but her feelings and her reliance on Suho was more critical, and as much as I hate her, I can understand her desperation.

Suho is the only person who knows and can help her with her own bullying situation. She's being even more bullied harshly by her own father, she's also being psychologically, emotionally and physically tormented and she can't escape this person. It's haunting. And it's heartbreaking because she doesn't truly have friends (apart from Kyung) because she's always the one people rely on (like Suho), she's put in this state of always being the person who defends, and fights, and protects and does what's right. Her life is seen as privileged, and great, and wealthy, and she has everything even the looks that Kyung desperately suffers because of. She's always had to rely on her strength and her self and her brains, but when she's broken and exhausted and needs someone to run to; Suho was that person, and now Kyung was making Suho not be able to be that person.

Her mindset is ruined because she can't find anyone else to turn to, her father is just as influential as Suho's father and the school won't protect her from him and need her good grades to stay with the reputation they seek, no adult can defeat her father, and so she's stuck. It's so worrying, watching her run into her room and she couldn't escape him because he was pounding on the door determined to enter and hit her more. And her mother is spineless and lets it happen, so Soojin is the most broken character and the most alone out of everyone in the show. Kyung is going through a lot of trauma, and her situation is so messed up but Kyung at the end of the day has Suho, she has Seojun as well, though she doesn't know the extent, she has her family even though her mum is not the best, she has her dad, her sister etc. Soojin has no one to run to. Kyung can't do anything to help her with the situation, and Kyung is taking away the one thing that probably could help her in her opinion.

Everyone is quick to hate and judge Soojin but her character arc makes sense because at the end of the day there is really no other place to run to, to avoid regressing into self-harm (washing her hands till they bleed and crack) but to put that pain on others, to feel resentment, jealousy, anger and desperation to get rid of an obstacle. Sadly, she had to endure this torment and become a shell of her self because she's now going to take it too far and it won't be forgivable if she keeps on making Kyung feel like she shouldn't be alive. It won't be right no matter what. And we see how far she can go by her actions in episode 12. She may be the typical second lead female we wanted her not to be, but she's written well, and her trajectory makes sense. I just hope she reforms before it's too late.

So bullying is a big deal in True Beauty, it's what's really causing all our characters to spiral into the trauma and pain they are in. Suho and Seojun may not be bullied, but they're co-products of it, by losing Seyeon they also had to suffer because of what bullying does. In a world where the adults aren't truly dependable, are more distracted by the need for reputation, status and fame, and act inhumanely when it comes to the suffering of these teens, who could really help our characters? They're all going through their pain and trauma alone and being pushed to the point of seeing life as futile and empty. Everyone in true beauty is a victim of this callous society and adults. And it's unsettling.

THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT WERE STRAINED

But this post is also about friendship. One thing that also was mirrored was the importance of friendship; if the teens all join together to protect their peers, if they all show unity and love and understanding to someone, they could save a life. Friendship apart from Kyung's was really great to see. However, there was a parallel with Suho and Seojun and Kyung and Soojin. I also wanted to say the annoying implications that women friendships have to always to be this way is frustrating; women aren't always conniving and manipulative and fickle when it comes to love, it's sad to see Suho and Seojun discuss so happily and calmly about liking the same girl and in the same episode watch Kyung break down and be brutally betrayed because Soojin liked the same guy as her. Like what message are you putting out? More on the bromance of Seojun, Suho and Seyeon. I find it fascinating because for so long, I wondered why this friendship was so important, like why these three are so tied to each other. But after episode 11 to 12, it's obvious. Like I said these three had had their own volatile situations that made them feel all alone and empty even Seojun actually and finding each other was what ignited their passion for life and brought them happiness and joy. Let me explain more in each character's pov.

Suho; Neglected and Withdrawn

Suho had struggled with a father figure and resentment at the whole world, he had to become self-providing basically and had no emotional support. It's so lonely to hear him talk about how alone he was from a very young age, his father was already distant from him (neglectful probably couldn't handle the mother's death but he also was cheating, so it's a bit ironic), he had no one to live with, and he had to take care of himself alone. But also there was resentment for his father because of the paparazzi tormenting him when he was younger, he felt suffocated by the reputation, popularity and status of his father and his father wasn't there to help him with that. You could say it's because Suho pushed him away, but no it's still a duty as a father to fight to come in and spend time with your son, to ask how he's doing, to check in on him in his house like how has he never once tried to force Suho to spend time with him and communicate their differences? Sigh.

So anyway the reason why Suho needed Seyeon and Seojun is because it was the first time he had people to run to and talk to, and it ignited this passion in him to do something he loves. Music. It's actually depressing when we see his phone in episode 12, he has no contacts apart from Kyung, his father, and maybe the high school guy—like Suho had no one for a long time until he met Kyung again.  But we also see his transformation in this episode, because he's more animated, lively, happy because yes Kyung and him are in love but also because Seojun is back into his life. Seojun and him basically reunite. Despite teasing and acting gruff and emotionless with each other, (because they've been separated for a while) they finally have each other again, they're still close. They still care for each other immensely; they're each others priority. And it's so sweet to watch despite the one painful thing about Seojun having feelings for Kyung.  But even then Seojun staying over at Suho's house and them laughing, and fighting and acting up, even Kyung noticed how different Suho had become. And I don't know it just made my heart warm. So that's what friendship was for Suho, he had two people who he was devoted to, who made him want to have something in life and be trusting again of people. They cared for him and nurtured him in their own way and helped him feel not alone. So congrats to Suho and Seojun reuniting.

Seojun; Responsibility and Pressure

  And now Seojun is a fascinating character. I tend to avoid analysing him because he's always happy, has a comfortable lifestyle; good friends, a good mum, a sister who cares about so much, etc. His life apart from the angst with Seyeon is so problem-free. He doesn't need to be jealous or sad, or traumatised because he's in a suitable environment mentally and he also is a good person. But let's go back to the past before Seyeon's demise. Seojun probably also felt alone and empty. Let me explain Seojun mentions that he used to envy Suho because of his wealth, his father in his life and his reputation. This makes us realise what Seojun thought he lacked, he apparently struggled a bit with poverty and not always having everything; he also didn't have a father figure in his life. In fact, we praise how good he is as a son, but it must have been so difficult to become the responsible man of the house as we put it when he was younger, one he had to worry about his mum's health, and take care and provide for her, two, he had to take care and protect his sister hence why he's so protective, he had a lot of responsibility on his shoulders to deal with.

And I think the one time he felt free and happy at first was probably when he made music with Suho and Seyeon. Because he doesn't have to think about responsibilities, or how to help his mum and more, so that's probably what he gained from their friendship a place to just be a teen and have fun. Obviously it's revealed, Suho helped his mom when she was ill, and that was heartwarming again to find out because these three were so protective and caring for each other, so loyal and bonded, and I think it's precious to see that. Obviously, after Seyeon's downfall, Seojun was resentful, angry and frustrated and he joined his gang of new friends, and they're so sweet, and just as devoted to him, it also made him more rebellious and more prone to fights because he had anger to let out but also his mum started to get better, so he was still frustrated and depressed about the circumstances but he had somewhere else to fall on, his new friends and his taking his anger out when he could. The only thing that probably was very hurtful more than just Seyeon was choosing to give on his dreams for music. However now he and Suho have reunited I think his music will come back, that passion is between him and Suho, and it's their dream.

Seyeon; Alone and Afraid

And well from my analysis you know what these two meant to Seoyeon, his letter is so heartbreaking and also beautiful because like they were all he had. And they just helped him find that confidence, that passion for life and companionship that he needed. And it's so sad he's not still with them. However Seyeon was truly a victim, and because of his influence on both Suho and Seojun, it's why they'd be able to help Kyung deal with everything she has to deal with in the next episodes. Because of Seoyeon, and also because his sister is the same as Kyung, Seojun is very protective and determined to prevent more losses in his life. Suho was at the rooftop and helped Kyung, stayed by her side and understood her when she had no one else making her feel loved for who she was because of Seyeon's effect on him. He also was determined not to have someone else end up in that situation. Because of this, they both will be able to help her get through it, and that's why I'm not as frightened or worried about her because she has these two great guys who won't stand back and let her do this on her own.

As much as true beauty is about a love triangle  between these three, it's also a really touching friendship between all of them. Kyung becomes like the weird replacement (not really) for Seyoeon because she brings back that passion and zeal into these two's lives, and she provides a companionship to them that is different from others, they also do the same for her. So I'm delighted despite the heartbreaks and loss that they found each other, I'm glad they're friends at the end of the day, they care about each other a lot, and even if Seojun somehow ends up the third wheel and the one that's left out a bit, I'm glad that his friendship with Kyung and Suho is still more important to him than vindictiveness or jealousy. Then again, like I said Seojun compared to Soojin is in a different headspace, environment and has more from life than she does. Her mistakes and her betrayal hurts, but it makes sense, I just hope she grows and changes before it's too late. I hope she finds love, peace and happiness someday. Everyone deserves that.

[life-rewritten]

OMG!! I just found your blog through a WBL fan sharing your post about WBL on Instagram, and I am SOOOOO happy to see that you noticed and appreciate the tutor and fighter couple from Why R U series too. If possible, please write an analysis about this couple, about any specific aspect you deem as most important or just generally, whatever you are okay with. I love reading your analysis and the insights it gives me, and I just finished binge reading all of your writings on my favorite bl (1)

Hi wow mindblown by this comment Thank you so much for letting me know that my stuff is being shared I really appreciate that and I am so grateful that you took time of your day to come speak to me. I adore Fighter and Tutor, like they’re my favourite couple ever. What happened when why r u was airing was I wasn’t yet analysing BLs at that time otherwise I would have been writing essays and essays about them. Because it’s been so long since I went back to watch them I’m going to let you see some of my drafts on how I would have broken their relationship into pieces and analysed. Because they are incredible and I really always feel sad when people see them as just like a se*ual couple when there’s more to them than that.  So I will let you see the first drafts and my ideas on them through this  ask and I hope that's okay for now. Maybe after my other shows I will like go back and rewatch them and start analysing more about them. If I do I’d probably do a youtube video about them because they’re so good. 

Here’s some of the analysis for them that I wrote: 

The theme for these two is  the struggle with internalised homophobia and self-acceptance. They both had this obstacle in themselves as they fell for each other and tried hard to avoid and run away from what they felt.  It’s been a long journey for them being into each other since the first time they met but not really realising what they felt.  Fighter did but he went into extreme panic mode and tried to run away immediately he felt that. So he tried to stay by Tutor’s side through the teasing and bullying because Tutor made him feel great and happy always but then with pressure from his father and the path he was meant to take to keep on being seen as successful, he thought his feelings for Tutor were useless and wrong. Plus he didn’t know if it was reciprocated so that caused even more fear for him which is why he just stayed with teasing and finally kater in thinking Tutor likes Hwa he chose to pull her away from him by taking her attention but also he chose to keep what they have as enemies/haters that way and avoid being near Tutor. This is why they end up hating each other a lot by the beginning of Why R U which is like 3 years later or something after he chose to stay with Hwa. 

Tutor didn’t understand fully why he got angry, jealous and annoyed, he had an inclination from the first year that Fighter liked men and he was actually hopeful about it because deep down he had feelings of wanting to also flirt with Fighter, wanting to stay with Fighter even when annoyed him and bullied him. He liked Fighter’s softness at times and he liked the way he felt even though he didn’t understand why he was so rifled and affected by Fighter’s presence when no one else has been able to do that to him before. But he became upset when Fighter chose to date Hwahwa because it was his automatic issue with IH that of course Fighter doesn’t like him but he likes girls, so he got jealous and sad and proceeded to also dislike Fighter because he had this effect on him whilst still trying to date his best friend who had feelings for Fighter.

They both have had unknowingly pent up feelings for each other, so once Fighter breaks the barrier by their first kiss, they both go into extreme panic and they both could no longer pretend any more with what they have. Which is why the first episodes they both keep struggling to keep their attraction with each other quiet because its been 3 years since they wanted each other that way. Fighter has so much pent up attraction and needs to give into his feelings that each time they have a chance to break that barrier it’s intense and crazy. Both have been longing, pining secretly for each other since the beginning of the show. What happens next is for Fighter he has to choose to finally accept that he cares a lot, a lot , a lot about Tutor, he finally starts to learn more about this person he loves and he starts to want to protect and keep Tutor happy and by his side. When it comes to finally choosing to let go of Hwa and choose to fight for Tutor and start knowing if he feels the same way. It’s a leap of faith he takes when he breaks up with Hwa. He realises he’s the one stopping his wishes from happening with Tutor because he keeps being in denial about what they are because he’s scared it’s only him that’s gay and has feelings for the other.

It’s only after tutor sister tells him that he’s holding back his feelings does he realise that it’s time to talk about their unstable relationship and Fighter at that moment had also come to terms with his break up with Hwa after making out with tutor revealed the truth, that’s why on the rooftop they do a test that ultimately breaks their walls down and choose to give in to their feelings no matter how scared they are about it being reciprocated. When Tutor looks away and loses the game it’s a symbol to Fighter that he’s also been the same as him from the start. Tutor looks away sadly thinking he’s the one who has the feelings but Fighter just loses it and lets him know its equal which is why I love that scene so much because for so long both of them because of IH has been avoiding thinking the other had the same feelings for them when they both from the start have felt love for a long time. And from then they go on a journey to learn about what this means, if it’s real feelings and not just attraction hence their beach vacation which is essentially them asking if they could love each other and be in a real relationship, and if they can take on their obstacles around them. The beach solidifies for them their feelings so they choose each other for life hence the earring and necklace. But it’s fast paced how they feel because it’s just confirmation, now Tutor starts to realise that Fighter is actually different than he thought he was and he falls so fast, he now realises how much he loves Fighter and how much Fighter made him want to fight for his happiness and life. Tutor has not had hope for happiness and ease in his life, because he’s always had to fight to survive on his own. So when Fighter shows up like a prince charming and constantly is connected to saving him time and time again, it’s exactly him realising there’s someone who does represent that hope that he’d be fine. Hence why the final obstacle is Tutor regressing and starting to think because of IH and society that he and Fighter are just a pipe dream.

They go back to face the world only for Fighters father to bring back all the fear, internalised homophobia and obstacles they had. Fighter panics and thinks he was right; the reason why he never told Tutor his feelings was because he was afraid the other would break his heart (was not gay, did not have feelings for him, would make fun of him etc) so when Tutor breaks up with him he loses his mind after trying hard to let go. When he sees that actually Tutor is taunting him and is still flirting with a guy, not him, he proceeds drunk and upset to try and get back moments from the beach scene/ past make out scenes to keep that spark alive but realises Tutor is not okay this time and he’s the one forcing it. He also acted out because with them the truth comes out each time they’re physical with other romantically. It’s a kiss that caused them to finally tell each other how they felt. That’s always been the way they break their walls down.

It’s what causes him to break down and finally reveal the truth he’s loved Tutor since he met him, he’s just been afraid of all that’s happening even if it’s happening he still wants to be with Tutor. Tutor however breaks his heart even more so he backs off. Tutor on the other hand is broken and mentally exhausted back to depression, back to having to fake being strong and deal with the futility of hope and joy in his life as he’s always been used to. He gets seen by Fighter and doesn’t have it on him to fight him away, so decides to stay in an idealistic fantasy, tells him to hold him and breaks his walls down again. Tutor is always having to fake being strong because it’s how he survives so whenever Fighter enters his world his vulnerability scares him, that’s why his sister gives him the image of a cactus. He’s tough and sharp or pretends to be with his demeanour but actually he’s just a boy who wants to be happy and be safe and survive. So when Fighter shows up at his weakest moments, as he struggles to deal with his mental exhaustion and heart break, he gives in  because again Fighter represents to him that hope. He starts to waver and want to stay in that lie for a long time with Fighter. Hence when he wakes up and Fighter is gone he thinks its all over and he finally breaks down completely.

Only when Fighter goes he breaks down in anguish truly thinking he lost him. Fighter finally comes out to his dad and fights his views, And we end up back at the beach, a place which represented authenticity and truth for them, it’s their truest realest self, but it also was their escapism. So Fighter coming there and letting Tutor know there’s no more obstacles in their way makes them both finally equally start a stable relationship with no more fear or care about anything. These twos relationship is full of tension and they both feel the chemistry, like magnets their bodies are drawn together, every scene they’re in, it’s their love language physical touch not bl fan service. They just naturally want to be in contact with each other and also their pent up feelings leads to them constantly wanting to sleep together because of hormones and well because they enjoy their se*ual life, nothing bad about that it’s realistic for couples to be that horny, that needy and that touchy.

It’s people who don’t get the context of internalised homophobia and what being in the closet is like for people with this anxiety and self hate caused by how they think society views them and treats them if out, those are the people who think there was no plot. Every dialogue these two had, their flashbacks and their acting (eyes, facial gestures, touches) showed why Fighter liked teasing Tor, why he dated Hwa but never paid her attention, why we had the beach scenes, why the break up escalated, why Tutor gave in when ill, why the non/dubious consent scene happened, why they get back together and why they told each other I love you forever immediately after they got together. Every single part adds up. It really is insane to me how people don’t see their real story to this day or see them as such a great storyline for BL. I would never get it.

[life-rewritten]

Fish Upon The Sky Episode 8-11 Problems with being Romeo and Juliet (MorkPi)

What an episode! After three weeks of hating this show and slowly removing myself from accepting this show as a favourite. FUTS hits me in the feels and gut in a way that I always knew it would. The realisation of my errors and judgement made me close to tears, dramatic, I know, but it's frustrating when your intuition tells you something, but for some reason, on the surface, it seems to be the opposite. It's a struggle. I wanted to defend this show, break it down and yet there were times I was ashamed I saw more from what it gave. And even so, we still have to mourn the fact that it could have been so much more had the director taken a different approach.

What I enjoy about this show is the meta and characterisation of its characters and their arcs and depth. You can tell that there's so much to understand before you judge them, they all are struggling, but the show fails to show why their struggles matter. Why what they're going through is important. Especially when it comes to its main protagonist and love interest, Mork. The show's comedy overshadows at times and makes us dislike what we see and throw it to the wolves as shallow and unimportant. It's hard to understand that something lurks in this narrative about themes like self-discovery and dealing with anxiety, self-deprecation etc., that could make this show so much more profound and needed than it seems to be. With so many frustrations and uncertainty about; where the story is going, what the message is if the romance is even romantic. FUTS can be a wild ride of struggle, frustration and yet happiness and comfort. It's a whiplash that causes annoyance and disappointment in its misunderstood moments. How does a show do that? The narrative is meant to be incredible, and yet somehow, its final product and performance are abysmal at times. Why? This isn't a hate post. This is an analysis on FUTS episode 11, and why after so much confusion, we finally get to the bottom of it, something that clicks and again brings back why this narrative is incredible and just not done in a way it deserved. But first, let's address the biggest fish, Mork.

The Problem With Understanding A Character Like Mork

Finally? An understanding of Mork's desperation after what seemed impossible and painful. It's ironic; what FUTS does is it tells and shows you with clues that at some point, Mork and Pi both are similar in how they go about their romantic storylines; they mirror each other's desperation, stubbornness and pride. There has to be an idea of a difference and an idea of self-worth that makes them chase love like it's their all.

Both Pi and Mork start this story as admirers determined, serious, selfish yet doubtful and insecure. But it's hard to see how these two people who seem so different in terms of society's treatment and approval can both be having the same ideas of lack of self-worth and insecurity.When you look at Pi, you get it. He's been traumatised into hating himself into self-sabotaging because he believes he's not good enough. This leads to his standoffish characterisation, his selfish, close-minded, and victimisation mindset. Where nothing matters but his comfort and safety. Nothing he does is good enough to please society. He's been moulded with the perspective from the start that he's destined to be alone. He mocks it, but as the story continues, we see the mask fall. He's not okay with it at all.

But Mork? Mork is the opposite; he's loved by society to the point of suffocation. He has a fan club of praises and supporters; he's seen as handsome, intelligent and cool without even having to try like Pi; he's effortlessly wanted and loved by all. So how can he be insecure? How can he even think for a second he should be suffering from having a fish upon the sky effect when he usually's everyone else's fish, ideal and dream? Why would he think he's not enough to keep what he wants? The answer is pretty obvious to our face, and even I missed it. It's the lack of understanding of his pain because of his pretty privilege.Pretty privilege sounds like an impressive feat; you get what you want cause you're hot, you're adored by everyone, and everyone perceives you as happy and living a happy life because you were blessed and lucky with what is envied and desperately sought; approval. But alas, no, because of this, you tend to be judged as too perfect, stale, no growth, no flaws, and no personality. People overlook your own struggles because you're seen as the lucky one. And the thing is because FUTS is in Pi's perspective when it comes to him and Mork, we also view him through that lens. I just forgot that we're looking at him through the lens of our very own main character, who's very naive and wrong about how he perceives everything around him.  

Mork's obsession with Pi doesn't make sense because Pi doesn't get it. How is he so confident and cool and yet always acting nervous like Pi is the one in control of him? Like he's scared to lose Pi, why should he feel like he will fail with Pi when all he has to do is let him go, and Pi will come running back because he's worth returning to. Everyone knows this; everyone praises him because they know this. Pi will later always realise just how cool and important he is. Why is he so frustrating and has no worries apart from Pi not wanting him?? Like why is he so one dimensional? But it's ironic; what we see of Mork is again how Pi sees him, and in this episode, Pi finally knew more about him and finally saw Mork's insecurities and reality. And the thing is, Mork lives a very ironic painful life, where it's actually important to notice that again his flaws come from his own ways he deals with his own fears and perception of himself.

Because instead of being pushed by the trauma of being rejected by society, it's the opposite. Instead, his flaws stem from the obsession that society has with him; it's actually his pretty privilege that's always been his burden and curse. The reason why he acts possessive, desperate, scared, and controlling is because of the fear that he will lose what he has just because of his pretty privilege. Stay with me, let me explain it more:

The Kurosawa Effect

An example of a character like Mork is Kurosawa in another BL called Cherry Magic. Everyone loved him, praised him, admired him, but it suffocated him and made him be taken for granted; in fact, it is during his suffering and drowning, he finds love with someone who perceives him as the opposite. Yes, that person thinks he's fantastic and whatnot, but Adachi is brave and cares about who Kurosawa actually is on the inside; he saw through him. But you see as the show goes on that it's Adachi's insecurities about himself that makes Kurosawa, later on, suffer; he has it all; he can get anyone he wants. Yet, every time it comes to getting who he loves, they see themselves as lower than him and don't trust that they are suitable for him.

This is the irony of FUTS. Pi is someone who is being punished for the lack of being pretty to society, for not being wanted. He had to develop a hard wall to deal with this crippling fact that destroyed his sense of self. The irony is as he developed a way to deal with this, as he chose to shun and hide from society; that's what Mork fell in love with when looking at him. And now you already see something Mork envies from Pi even though he watched him struggle;

 Pi is not wanted by society, but Pi is allowed to be himself, free and uncaring, and this lack of being bothered (a mask Pi used) made Mork want to know him. Because he couldn't do the same. Pi offered a world where he could join and be just as close to and away from society's cage, where they both could hide in.  

But even with all the pain and anguish Pi went through, Mork saw his strength, watching him stay kind, helpful and caring to society despite his closed of energy. Something he didn't understand how he could do that, but because it's Pi, Mork fell hard for that part that Pi didn't even notice.

 Lastly, it's watching Pi slowly grow his own confidence, his own fight and his own determination of self-preservation, shunning society as they shunned him. Mork found Pi's tenacity in not letting people affect him actually attractive, and he liked that and wanted that. Pi didn't suffocate.

 Mork liked that despite what the world did to him, he refused to let himself drown and break, he overlooked Mork for what people saw in him, and he spoke to him anonymously as a natural person, not an object.

But alas, Pi was the only one in the world who didn't want him. The very person he wanted by his side, and yet the very person he was scared to lose because of the exact reasons he fell for him. Pi shunned society, but wherever Mork went, society followed him. This is why he didn't go give him the umbrella. He was insecure and worried and scared of losing him immediately to the claws of his cagers.

The Suffocation of Popularity

Because although he would have gotten Pis love and adoration, Pi wouldn't fall for him authentically (what he felt for Nan, as we find out slowly, it was fake/a lie he used to cope). Pi would chase after Mork, but it'd be shallow, unreal and fake because Pi would see him as impossible to love. And we see this, no matter how much he spends his energy (reason for why he's so determined, serious, possessive and obsessive) to convince Pi why they should be together; Pi refuses to see Mork as nothing more than society's most beloved and wanted. It should be why he gets to be with who he loves, but it's a punishment. Ironic right? It's so much of a sentence that his birthday can't be celebrated privately because fans are always on the lookout for his life; he has had to deal with this constant invasion. This is why he keeps on trying so hard to make Pi accept that it's his life; something he can't escape.

His popularity is almost like a curse, not a blessing to him, in a show where popularity is coveted by the main. Ironic right? And it's incredible because, again, people are the source of his issues: society and the public domain. Pis pain is his insecurity, hurt, trauma, and need to be accepted by people to honestly think he deserves happiness. Whilst Mork is the opposite, his insecurities stem from being a burden to the one he loves for just… loving them. For just wanting to be happy with them. And the thing is just like Pi becomes selfish and becomes flawed because of his resolution to deal with the hurt and pain and anguish of his feat, Mork is the same; he also becomes, you guessed it, selfish too, almost to the point at times of toxicity. But it's toxic positivity, the reason he's flawed is his clinginess, possessiveness, stubbornness, but he became this way because he's determined to keep what he loves to be happy; he became strong to deal with his pain. Still, his strength and determination become his flaw. And Pi is the same; Pi became strong selfishly only focused on himself and his happiness to curb his anxiety and futility of thinking he could ever be loved by others. 

Even when he now has friends, a lover and acceptance of family, Pi still thinks he's the worst, and the way he runs away from this is intentional self-sabotage. He becomes the monster he believes he is; hence his selfish character, lack of empathy, insecurity, and stubbornness to stay unloving is provoked when he feels vulnerable and attacked. Mork suffers for Pis strength and mask, and Pi also suffers for Mork's obsession and determination. They both ironically hurt each other when they both strive to protect each other.

Pi believes Mork can be protected by not being with him, and Mork believes Pi can be covered by him taking his burdens and constantly being by his side, but it's both ironic; they both hurt each other because of society. It's society; Pi is protecting Mork from; he wants him to be loved and accepted and stay his cool, pretty way. And Mork is also protecting Pi from society by telling him:

"F society let's be by ourselves in our own world protected, and safe. If society doesn't want you, I want you, let's leave society and not care about it let's be ourselves".

And yet, it triggers trauma for Pi because each time the more Mork strives to show him he's protected, he's hurt even worse for being with him. He's triggered even more with his trauma for any step they take to be free. See why it's ironic? And yet ironically so perfect and great as a narrative??

A Fish Drowning In The Sky.

These two find themselves the victim of society and its norms, and they find themselves unable to know what to do to survive and be happy because of what society does to them. Mork's actions are romantic, but it's negative. It's toxic at times, but that's his flaw, that's his desperation not to lose Pi, not to let him run away from him, not to leave him alone once more alone to deal with this cage he always thought he'd be trapped in. Being an object, not being seen or being happy. He's a fish drowning in his bowl, an ironic metaphor, and Pi is his fish in the sky—the place where freedom actually is. But Pi is drowning in the sky because it feels hostile and inhospitable; he can't stay in the sky. There's no water to survive. He doesn't want Mork to join him there. It's ironic because when it came for Nan, he saw Nan as his fish in the sky, but it shows you how that was just a way to distract himself and have the incentive to hope he didn't actually want to join the sky with him. Because the sky was always scary and hostile to him, Nan was never in the sky; he was always in the bowl, and Pi knew this but let himself lie that Nan was what he wanted. It's again ironic.

There's so much to say about this episode, and I don't know if I will continue breaking it down, but this narrative has always been incredible. It was the way it was edited and shown to us that failed. The director made so many moments that could have been done differently done the way that makes us disregard this show. Mork is a character with dimensionality; he has depth, pain, 'insecurities and flaws; he just was being viewed in a lens that made us all misunderstand and disregard it. It's surprising that rewatching this show after knowing all this, the whole show changes for me. It becomes a tale about two people who are ironically made for each other but are so destructed and affected by the world around them. Society is their obstacle: Romeo and Juliet (hence the balcony scenes mirroring that) torn apart by society but meant to be. But the show won't give us enough time to see their growth into escaping this toxicity they have grown with. Pi still has so much to grow and learn before he lets Mork in. He needs to know he's worth it, and he's on that journey; he finally has people around him to show him he's okay. Mork just wants someone in the world that makes him feel safe, and that's Pi, and he also is slowly close to getting him to stop hiding and trusting him. They both are slowly closer to their mental freedom and happiness. That's how good this show could have been—man, what a fantastic episode.