#gdotkeaton

[art-officivl]

“Don’t go chasing boulevards, leads you to the alleys and the Dead Ends you’re used to.” - @gdotkeaton 

[gdotkeaton]

Dead End Thrills: Not Your Typical Love Story [Gabriel Keaton] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Caleb is an aspiring scr

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[gdotkeaton]

A Dead End Thrills post? Or the story of my life?

Amazon.com: Dead End Thrills: Not Your Typical Love Story eBook: G. K. Keaton: Kindle Store

[gdotkeaton]

Word on Road IX 📍 HONG KONG

📸 @gdotkeaton / @art-officivl

[gdotkeaton]

Let Me Go

Something has a hold on me.

I look over my shoulder.

I feel it, although nothings there for me to see.

‘Who’s there?!’ I cry out knowing the answer before the sentence finishes.

Mistakes.

Is it trauma or karma that makes me feel I can’t escape poor decisions.

Calling it karma is me blaming myself for things I didn’t have control of.

I did, but not really.

If I had control I wouldn’t feel this way.

If I had control I wouldn’t have let things get this out of control.

If I had control I would turn back time and stop myself from taking a leap of faith.

Is this why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling now?

Waking from nightmares about one wrong leap afraid of where I will land next, or maybe I won’t land at all and I will just keep falling and falling anticipating an impact that will never come.

Will a nightmare wake me whenever I want to take another leap of faith?

Something has me and I feel it grabbing tighter.

If I had control I wouldn’t feel a thing.

If I had control I wouldn’t let those thoughts into my day dreams or nightmares.

If I had control I wouldn’t let anxiety sit on my chest like a wave of water, crushing me like right before I breach the surface for air.

I’m pushed back down again further than before.

The darkness has me.

I close my eyes again making peace with what I assume is my fate.

I think of all the people that love and support me right now.

The people who will dismiss my feelings and say it’s all in my head.

‘Just breathe’ they’ll say encouraging me it’s oxygen surrounding me not suffocating water.

I stare in my mind wondering if I should believe them or not.

Then I look over their shoulder.

Is that... no. nothings there.

I have to protect them.

Distance maybe? But from what?

If not karma, and I’m still on the fence of trauma but, paranoia is present.

A gift plaguing me that I don’t want.

In my case, a basket I can only describe with a haiku.

Never letting go.

Rigor mortis from the past.

Un-grip my future.

[gdotkeaton]

Word On Road. VIII📍Montreal, Cananda

[gdotkeaton]

Sometimes I hate time.

Sometimes I spell time L O V E.

Love to me is terrifying.

Because for me, terrifying to me is enjoying a million amazing moments with a person and then losing them.

Them not wanting the same anymore or never wanting to begin with.

With every second you don’t talk to them you worry if they are slipping away.

Away with your heart and sanity away from you.

You are left with nothing but amazing memories of amazing moments.

Moments that now cause so much pain that you start to neglect yourself.

Neglect yourself to the point where you forget who you were before you met.

You met them and now you wish you didn’t.

You didn’t know things would grow to be so different.

So different than anything you could have ever envisioned happening.

Happening to still close my eyes and see a child that’s half me and half you.

You telling me you love me when I’ve been saying it in my head for months before.

Before we were just friends but sometimes we feel like we share the same body.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I hate that cynical side of me.

Sometimes is only sometimes though.

Most times I wish I had more T I M E.

Time to figure out this terrifying thing called love.

Until then haunt my mind and terrorize my soul.

Because for me, when it stops being scary then it stops being love.

[gdotkeaton]

Answers in my Dreams

I had a dream last night. I was sitting down talking to my grandmother, my mother’s mom. She passed away when I was 12 and seeing her was equally jarring and refreshing. She looked the same as I remembered her before she was sick. When I thought back on her, I was always grateful the image of her in her casket never crossed my mind. This same thought crossed my mind while sitting across from her and she smiled and fixed her hair, as if she read it through a window on my forehead.

“H-How have you been?” I stuttered. A question I immediately regretted. She smiled as if reading my mind again amused at my distain of first words after 15 years. Then I wondered if she would even speak back or continue reading my mind when she answered,

“Yes.”

I laughed while she smiled patiently giving me the sense I didn’t have a lot of time with her so I started instantly searching for questions to ask. I was drowning in nothing. There was so many answers swimming around me but the questions for them escaped me the more and more a grasped.

I thought to myself I needed a filter on my mind and then this idea sprouted in my brain as if she planted it there from her conscious. “Okay. Let’s play a game. Look me in my eyes, just make sure you don’t blink, and you can ask me any yes or no question. But remember don’t. Blink.” A calm came over me as questions floated to the surface of my mind like air bubbles under water.

“Do you miss me?”

She shook her head no. I paused for a second and asked, “Have you been watching over me since your.. . transition?”

She nodded yes and smiled, that answer extinguishing the fire in my belly from the previous question. I took a deep breath.

“Do you think mommy’s life would be different if you were still alive?”

Her facial expression softened a bit. She sat for a moment and nodded yes. I don’t know why but her answer relieved me.

“Can I hug you?”

She gently shook her head no and smiled another extremely patient smile reminding me of the unknown fragile time we had together. Yes or no questions i repeated to my self. I tried again.

“Have I ever disappointed you?”

She nodded.

“Do I make you proud?”

Her eyes glassed over as she smiled and nodded with a giant smile. I was going to ask her if I was on the right path, but I blinked. When I opened my eyes I was sitting with a little girl. I had never seen this little girl before and yet she felt very familiar. I assumed the rules of the game were the same so I proceeded.

“Are you my grandmother?”

She laughed and shook her head no. Before I could ask another question she spoke.

“No. It’s my turn to ask you questions.”

I smiled amused thinking the sound of her voice was one of the most pleasant things I’ve ever heard. I nodded, curious at where this would go.

“H-How have you been?” She stuttered.

I smiled but couldn’t answer.

“Right, yes or no. Okay then, are you happy?”

I nodded again.

“Do you miss me?”

I laughed at the question. Partly because so far they were reminiscent of my own and the other part was because It was unsettling how much her facial expression expected me too actually miss her. I shook my head no. Her face melted away the freckles of hope that had shown before. She was serious now, determined.

“Do you have any kids?”

I shook my head no.

“Do you remember November 2011?”

I nodded. I felt a chill come over my body as I sat in front of this little girl assessing her age around 6 or 7 thinking of the specific month and year she asked of me. She continued before I could delve any deeper.

“Do you still think I’m great Grandma?”

I shook my head no conscious of her words of choice. She was telling me who she was with it breaking the rules, clever.

“Did you go with my mother when she went to termin-

I shook my head no repetitively and covered my ears before she could finish her sentence. When I stopped shaking my head, I saw her eyes watery and tears slowly trailing down her face. I wanted to tell her I knew nothing of the abortion until after it all happened but didn’t want to break the rules. I smiled warmly to let her know everything was okay and reached out to hold her hand, but she pulled it away from me.

“Do you think your life would be different if i was alive?”

I nodded with a knot in my throat knowing this little girls identity.

“And you are happy.” She said in a statement not really asking a question, almost confirming her non existence didn’t have an effect on me today.

I nodded again and felt a drop of water drip on my left hand. I hadn’t realized until now I had been crying.

“Do you think we will meet again?”

I sat on the question got a second because I truly didn’t know what to think at this point but I knew I wanted to. Before I could answer yes, I blinked. All of the sudden I was sitting in front of a mirror. My reflection moved independently of my own movements. Before I could say anything, I woke up.