#gender indifference

[batri-jopa]

As aroace cisfem (?) I watched Barbie movie expecting myself to identity with iconicly AroAce main character Barbie

Turned out horse-girl-Ken, Allan and the Weird Barbie were the characters that I loved and most sympathised with

What's my diagnosis?

[cornistasiathecoblinking]

I chafe at forced responsibility of any kind. There are few things I want to be responsible for; my cats being one and myself.

But I didn't ask to be born into this body. I hate that I am force to be responsible for it's upkeep and maintenance. At least every month, fuck, not even a full month, it's the same song and dance. The pain is excruciating, you feel hot then cold then hot. You want to sit in a tub and until you're as red as a lobster.

And then you have to explain and reexplain why you're not in the best mood for the next few days to a week after. You're not feeling well. Everything hurts and you feel extra sensitive to temperature changes, you don't want to be touched or clung too. You don't want to be spoken to because all your senses are dialed to 11.

And when you have to explain and you feel like everyone is humoring you.

This is me. I wanted a hysterectomy. I hate that I have to fucking deal with this bullshit for another... what? 20 years? I hate this I hate this. I didn't ask for this responsibility. I didn't.

We blame hormones a lot, and yeah, they play a role. But really I'm just angry because this is every fucking month. And then people blame that you when you don't use the product for its intended purpose. Because you obviously get a say in this.

These days I feel like I'm just wandering around a gender desert. I don't feel like an anything. I tried referring myself to "Woman" or even "Female" recently but it feels weird on my tongue. Like, when you learn a language as a kid but spend years not practicing it and you forget what is feels like in your mouth, sounding the words out, trying to remember the meaning behind it and then you have to use it and you're like, "This... isn't... what? What am I saying?"

Like, I don't mind she/her pronouns but I'm indifferent to them.

And when I talk about this feeling, I can't help but feel like I'm just being ignored, or worse, (at least imo) humored. They have this little smirk and this littler twinkle in their eye and this little fucking chuckle as if to say, "Ooookaaaaayyyy honey. bless your little heart <3" and you have to swallow it again and again and again.

Every god damn mother fucking month of this same bullshit.

[rakishlyregalrat]

The Hot Drink Analogy

I was reading a post where a truscum argued that having gender euphoria means that there must be gender dysphoria present in that same perfect, and ignored it when a point was made about indifference, and I thought up this analogy.

Say you drink coffee every morning. You don't mind drinking coffee, but it's just there. Maybe you're caffeine intolerant, like me, and it makes you kinda sick, but you can't trace it to the coffee. Maybe it doesn't affect you badly, but it doesn't bring you pleasure or joy in any way. You've just always had it, and didn't realize you could change it.

Then one day you try tea. Maybe it's from a friend, or family, or at work, or anywhere. You try it once and you're amazed that a hot drink can taste so good and bring such goodness to you. You wouldn't mind having coffee again but you'd much rather have more tea. Maybe tea doesn't make you sick. Maybe it makes you less sick but still a little sick.

This could be enough. Replace either drink with the gender of your choice and it works. Or, you can take it further and add in more drinks to show dysphoria towards more than one gender, like I and probably more people have.

Say you try hot chocolate, or apple cider, or any other warm drink. You're still indifferent to coffee, and like tea more than coffee, but one of these drinks is by far the greatest. You don't want to go back to the other two, but you still will if you have to, because most people don't think either of these drinks is professional enough for a workplace, or maybe even for an adult. You're a little disappointed by having to go back to coffee or tea but they may be the best option for your current situation.

Or maybe your preference for certain hot drinks changes depending on the season or weather or a multitude of other reasons. Maybe you just don't care for any hot drinks but are just indifferent to all of them. Maybe you care for more than one.

Now of course, no analogy is perfect. There are some flaws to mine. This is just a basic analogy to show how one might be indifferent to one thing and prefer something else. Genders are in no way hot drinks, and you can choose hot drinks, unlike gender, but it works for this purpose, at least.

[batri-jopa]

Why would any girl ever wish to be a princess?

I always wanted to be Zorro!

Cool suit in both official and hidden personality!

And this kind of moustache looks just as good on me😏

[arokusuo]

i'm having this weird moment of realization that the second i actually acknowledged my gender as something other than cis, i became so much more comfortable in my body.

like before, when i still thought of myself as cis and tried to force myself into that box, i just felt like... horrible existing the way i was, ykwim? like i actively wished i didn't have this body and all that. but now that i've acknowledged to myself that i don't have to call myself cis when i'm actually not, existing just feels... better. like there are always going to be things that i wish didn't exist on my body, but i'm also not cringing out of my skin anymore either. it's nice.

[amberandco]

As I come into my house from a lovely day out with my brother and his girlfriend, I see my mums eyes light up at the shopping bag in my hand. She asks with a gleeful smile “ooh what did you buy, something nice and summery?”. I knew what she meant was did I by a dress or a floaty top, so naturally I was struck with the usual bolt of anxiety to the stomach but I was prepared stand my ground. So I took a breath and replied with a pleased “yes I did” and, on my mothers demand, I pull out my new really smart summer shirt. 

Her face drops in a under a second from glee-full and giddy to tired and disappointed, she sighs:

“You brought another shirt”

“This is a summer shirt, and why do you have to say it like that?”

“You already have shirts”

“I don’t have a summer shirt, my arms get hot and sweaty when it’s sunny, and I didn’t want to tear the sleeves of one the others, I’m not a savage now am I?” (Safe to say she didn’t find the joke funny)

“Did you buy it from the boys section?”

“No.... I brought it from the “men’s” sections, boys is ages 7-15, and I’m 19 so they tend to fit a bit to snugly for my liking” (Another attempt at humour viciously shot down with a painfully large eye-roll)

“What do you mean “men’s””

“Well, you know what I mean, it’s inconvenient to explain my view on gendered clothing and why I don’t choose to participate in assigning a preferred binary gender to a piece of stitched fabric every single time I say ‘the men’s section’ so I condense those views into a simple air quotation mark around the word, “men’s”” 

*stone cold stare/disgustingly large eye-roll/overly audible disapproving tut and sigh* (Quite impressed she managed to role all those into one action to be honest)