#genderqueer experience

[spinnysocks]

it's so weird and irritating how certain descriptors are close to fitting, but they're not quite there

they are so close! to how i want to be called or described, but they're just... not... how i want to be called or described

so,

shoutout to those who don't feel described by mr, ms or even mx

shoutout to those who don't feel described by woman, man, enby, any of the sort

shoutout to those who don't feel described by boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc

shoutout to those who don't feel described by cute, pretty, beautiful, handsome, the list goes on

and to those who feel iffy or uncomfortable by those terms, especially those who feel they have no other choice but to go by them

i see you, i understand. <3 i'm always welcome to and hoping to hear some new or different terms :)

[fruitdragon]

I'm just a little guy in the way a small bug you don't know the sex of is

[nonbinarymlm]

I support people making labels for gender experiences previously without words, but it has me going like "oh this label fits me!" "Oh this label is me!" "Oh I feel that label!" "Oh-"

[loveforhumanbeing]

For the ones who follow a bit my queer adventures !

[in recap, i realised a few months ago my gender evolutions. To make it quick, i was born, and still, female ; i feel like i'm a woman, but sometimes like i'm a man, and other times like i'm agender. In december, I wrote down everyday in a calendar my gender, my orientation and period.]

Personal updates :

Was a man during my last period ! Strange and really interesting...

Started to use male pronouns/adjectives to write about myself without thinking about it.

Started to use male pronouns/adjectives to talk about myself without thinking about it. (just yesterday !)

Using male pronouns/adjectives when i don't feel either male or female, expressing the fact that i'm not a woman, -as you could have thought- right now.

Realising when i say it, it feels right.

Still comfortable with female pronouns/adjectives.

Still a woman. Still a man. But more consciously.

In order of frequency and intensity : 

Attracted by males as a woman.

Attracted by males, females and others, as an agender.

Attracted by males as a man.

Attracted by females as a woman.

Attracted by females as a man.

Attracted by females as an agender.

Attracted by males as an agender.

> When i'm agender, it's more about 'chemical attraction' than sexual attraction. Maybe more about being sort of panromantic, than pansexual ?? > Numbers 3 and 4 are quite equal, though !

Note : Not quite sure about my romantic orientations. Looks like i have a tendancy to platonic relationships with people. When i have feelings for someone, it's more a bit of pure love than romance and passion... Is that what you call being aromantic ? I won't search for a word to define this type of relationship as i don't feel interested by it...

The little strange but interesting moment : 

I had a drink with a few male friends last week, and felt a bit attracted to two of them during this time. Because my gender depends on the situations, my man/woman switch went crazy that night : 

more likely to feel like a man when in an all-male group (count in that : talking about girls as a man, with them).

more likely to feel like a woman when attracted by/attracting male people (count in that : feeling wonder-womanly hot).

This might be my first experience of that kind, and it was pretty funny to observe how my thoughts and body (tip : legs positions when sitting. that's pretty much how you can guess my current gender.) evolved.

Plus, sometimes i felt agender, and sometimes bigender.

I'm starting considering going out only with a genderqueer, because this looks so messed up i don't know how a cisgender person who likes me would react to my changes. Is it important in a relationship to know the other person's gender ?

For now, i haven't talk irl about 'my situation' to anyone who knows me irl before, but i'm so so so curious to see the reactions that someday it might happen. I'll keep you in touch about that ! :)