On my walk today wearing my new lululemon vest. I absolutely love this thing and I got it online on sale. My hair is also (slowly) growing back, too. Very white/grey. 😝
These past few days have been long, busy but pretty good.
I’ve been doing a lot more than usual which has put more strain on my neck and body. I also feel stressed from the unknown. This has caused more pain but my energy is still pretty good. If I want to be more physically active, I have to take more pain medication which is annoying. Yesterday, I decided not to take any pain meds. Instead, I took an Epsom salt bath and layed on my heating pad for a good portion of the day which isn’t good for my mental health but at least it gives my liver a break. lol.
Movie Review: I watched a brand new movie released on Apple TV called Outcome. It was an absolute waste of an awesome cast. Extremely anticlimactic. It was supposed to have “dark humour” but I never laughed once. I think the parts that were meant to be funny ended up being dumb and cringy. I love the actors but didn’t like any of the characters. Except maybe Martin Scorsese’s tiny part. I dunno - it was missing something (or a lot of things. Including, “depth”). I felt the whole thing was a total disappointment. It had the potential of being a much more entertaining film but it lacked a high point/peak and the ending felt like it was unfinished. I could have done with a lot less of Jonah Hill’s character as well. In the end, I felt like this was just a vanity project for him. Two stars. ⭐️ ⭐️ (I understand this review is solely opinion-based but I tried to write it without giving any spoilers incase anyone still wants to watch it.)
Today, I took pain meds and was able to go for a short walk. I’ve also done a lot of paper shredding and sorting of paperwork in my “office”. I’ve got like… 5 years of paperwork to go through, so it’s taking me a long time to organize. I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, though. There are still some forms I need to fill out and send off but they’re not urgent.
I’m taking care of myself by:
Taking short breaks which includes drinking water and either lying down on a heating pad for a few minutes or walking around and stretching (or both).
It’s so important to pace but I don’t always have the ability to do that when I’m out. When I’m home, it’s a lot easier.
I’ve been writing a lot lately. I’m working on a book about my breast cancer experiences. It’s been hard but cathartic.
I’ve attempted over the past 20 years to write a memoir about my earlier life. Times where I was in and out of psychiatric facilities, dealing with domestic violence and also surviving childhood sexual abuse …but I wondered if that book should ever be written. I may put together a collection of stories (because I already have a lot of them), but writing an actual book could be triggering. Whenever I write about my past it feels like I’m reliving it. If I were to endure a project like that, I’d need a therapist on speed dial. lol. The weird thing is that because I haven’t released the trauma of my past, I’ve often thought about the possibility that I could be storing it in my body - causing the cancer to thrive. I was already dealing with pretty severe OCD and night terrors when I was only 7 years old (but my parents didn’t know what it was). Then, shortly after, I ended up with psoriasis for many years. This was after an “incident” (followed by a few more “incidents”) with a particular family member who has been dead for nearly 35 years now. I feel gross just writing the little bit I’m writing now. There’s a part of me that feels like I wish I could just put it to rest and forget about it. Which I mostly have but unfortunately, there’s another family member involved that I feel more hurt concerning these incidents and felt like they condoned it. (They passed away 10 years ago.) I dunno. I think my project for this spring/summer may be writing all of this shit out. Just purging it once and for all. I’ve pushed it down for so long. Trying so hard to not think about it could be a contributing factor to making me sick. Writing is more powerful for me than talk therapy but it can be rough if I don’t have the support during those darker moments. I’m going to connect with a counselling agency before I even consider attempting this.
Right now, I’m going to listen to my book club audiobook - it’s about witches. The story is a bit intense so I’ve been getting through it slowly. I may go for another short walk later, too.
