#girlfriend zone

[datamodel-of-disaster]

Life update!

So, my birthday passed (the new front door is installed -my 20s are truly over), and the anniversary of the disastrous friend breakup from last year has passed (somehow, I ended up going to the nude spa and having sushi after, *exactly* as I did the year before, and only when I was already halfway my sashimi I realised the bizarre parallel), and…

Let’s just say, if I had a dollar for every weird friendship that came to a confrontation/confession/breakup near the end of November and resulted in me adding a new piece of art to my dining room, I’d have 2 dollars. Which isn’t a lot, yadda yadda, BUT IT IS WEIRD THAT IT HAPPENED TWICE.

(If this becomes an annual thing I’m gonna run out of wall space.)

Cryptobro gifted me a Damien Hirst lithography for my birthday. The “Pharmacy” wallpaper print on metallic silver backing. (I’d post a picture of the actual piece but it is still at the framer’s.)

(It’s a panel just like this one)

I’m not gonna lie, king move. I had mentioned just once that I bid on it at auction but didn’t win it, and he went and tracked a version of it down for me. This is the kind of gift giving swag I thought only I myself possessed.

It is gorgeous (Hirst is problematic AF but I love stuff with pills on it sue me) and it wasn’t cheap, and… Yeah.

I thought I had sidestepped the whole math-themed confession from Cryptobro (see this post) but… no. There was a letter, and later on, after I cautiously addressed that letter over dinner and “reinforced the friendzone” so to say, a voice note.

Oh man.

Cryptobro is a man who doesn’t know how to have intimate friends. And more importantly, he is a man who fits the archetype, “wants a woman who is free because he wants to cage her”.

You see, I am who I am around him. Even tho I kept certain things private (my mental health conditions, my nonbinary identity) I’ve never hidden that I am married, I don’t want children, I love my husband who takes care of the household for me (and I find capacity to do laundry very important in a potential partner -learning that Cryptobro for the longest time DID NOT WASH HIS SHIRTS and instead just BOUGHT NEW ONES when he ran out of clothes would have been a monumental turnoff even if I *was* interested in him, which I’m not.) And yet… Cryptobro has this idea of a future me as a good little housewife with a nest of children and it is horrifying to me.

I just…

Aside from the fact that I’m still convinced he’s gay and repressing it like his life depends on it, I just… don’t know how to get through to him that he’s in love with an illusion and not the real me.

He’s starved for affection and has never had a friend who is understanding and kind rather than a posturing bro-type who’d pounce on him if he showed vulnerability, and his only model for intimacy is romance, and I’m just… BRO. BRO I AM BASICALLY YOUR THERAPIST. WAKE THE FUCK UP.

He could have everything he wants of me as a friend. Companionship, advice, fun dinner dates, hanging out, emotional vulnerability, therapy sessions, long philosophical debates, the lot! HE IS NOT EVEN SEXUALLY INTO WOMEN FFS. But no.

Sigh.

Anyway, I think whatever this bizarre relationship was may just be properly over now. Which…

I don’t know.

My emotional investment was decidedly tempered by how incredibly unhinged a man he is. (I wish I was kidding about the not washing his shirts thing, but that’s not even half of it. I didn’t make a post about it at the time because it felt cruel to put him on blast when I’m hardly Martha Stewart myself, but… 🤷🏻‍♀️ IT BAD.)

But I still mourn it. I mourn that this man cannot see how much fun we were having as a thing with value in itself, without any romantic label. I mourn that so much of the good thing we had going was him angling for something else. I don’t know. I got girlfriend-zoned and it feels shit.

I feel like life is making me catch up on all the flavours of weirdbad relationships I didn’t experience before I got into my current relationships with my husband and my QPP.

It kinda sucks.

[riotclitshave]

[deliciouslydark]

[vegetableburger]

[yes-this-is-not-ok]

Lol!! I finally got to use the girlfriend zone!!!

[cherritaxo]

Him: I'm so lucky to have her

Her: Um I like you as a friend lol

Them: Damn, that sucks

Me: Yeah.....poor girl being girlfriended like that. Smh.

[literaryreference]

some girlfriend zone responses

Just covering some general points rather than reblogging this shit all up and down my dash:

1. I don’t believe in evo psych. I don’t know anyone reads that post and gets that it is satire and still comes out of it thinking I believe in evo psych. It’s bullshit. I fully believe in the ability of both men and women to treat people they have unrequited crushes on respectfully, provided they value those people as people and aren’t total assholes.

2. @ people who are all like “what else am I supposed to do?”: I’m sorry your social skills and handling of your own emotional shit are so lousy that the only way you can think of to handle an unrequited crush on someone you allegedly care about and value as a person is to cut off all contact and never speak to them again, but I assure you that many other people have managed to deal with this in more constructive ways, including me. (Oh snap, guess what, I’ve had unrequited crushes too!) Hell, I have exes I’m friendlier with than that. And if my depressed, anxious, socially awkward ass can manage this, I bet you can too. I believe in you, internet strangers! I believe in your ability to not be total assholes if you really, really try!

3. Also, here’s some advice that you won’t listen to but I’m going to give anyway. When you meet a woman you find attractive, consider this: If you knew from the outset that sex and romance were off the table, that she would never, ever date you, would you still want to be friends with her? Would she still be someone you’d enjoy spending time with and talking to? If the answer is yes, great! Become friends with her. Maybe it will turn into romance, maybe it won’t, but either way you’ve got a great friendship that brings something meaningful to your life.

If the answer is no, do not pretend to become friends with her. And you know what? Don’t date her, either. Don’t date someone you wouldn’t want to be friends with just because they’re hot. It’s an awful idea.

4. This may come as a shock, but I do have male friends. See point 1.

[akiangelss]

✨

Why is it always the same?

I’ve been having the same shitty feeling ever since I realize that maybe it wasn’t a reality that I wasn’t good looking. I never had the experience of rejecting someone but had the very raw experience of being rejected and as you may thing I don’t actually desire anyone to go though it. It’s not a good feeling if you know what I’m talking about but well, as a lot of thing in life you cannot avoid it to happen at least once and it’s fine, it’s actually refreshing to sometimes go with it.

I feel like an awful person when I have to speak or deny something to someone but you cannot expect to always say yes to their demands, I feel extra awful when I have to reject someone, said that I rejected the same guy twice! Yes, T W I C E and you might think ‘this girlie thinks it’s slick to reject a poor guy twice’ but come to think of it, he never wanted to understand on the first place I wasn’t interested in him, I told him multiple times that maybe in the future something can happen, when I said future I said maybe in the next years, NOT the next week, but there you got him, throwing a fit two days after his confession because I sat with someone else during lunch, what he did that night? He confessed his feelings in person, is it that I speak in another language or is it that no one actually listens what the other is saying?

Not gonna bore you more about this whole teenage drama I didn’t ask for, but here comes my rant WHY? And I make emphasis W H Y does he believe it’s okay to try to take some emotion or reaction of me now that he’s with someone else?

Trust me I’m happy for him he found someone he likes and likes him back, it’s amazing actually seeing people enjoying love but ever since he started ‘dating’ this girl seems more that he enjoys believing I’m jealous or mad at his new relationship. I don’t care, he tormented me, he blackmailed me emotionally every fucking day because I rejected him, his self pity was so wide I had to take breaks cause otherwise I might snapped at him, don’t get me wrong I don’t feel he’s annoying but he used to make remarks on his problems without looking a solution whatsoever, I spent days and days telling him ways to boost his confidence, told him to see a specialist because I cared for him as a friend, because I wanted my friend to be okay. It took me a while realizing I was emotionally blackmailed and that he actually enjoyed knowing I was suffering due to his comments not because I liked him, but because he knew I feel extremely guilty when I make someone else suffer.

It’s been a while, we’ve grown apart, and I’m happy, happy that I got my sanity and peace of mind again. And tonight he told me he’s officially dating her even tho I never actually cared or asked about his relationship, maybe looking another answer for me or wanting to see if I care and that doesn’t make any sense cause the actual feeling I cared was him making me feel guilty.

Tonight as I vent my frustrations all I can say is that I’m not afraid to reject someone in the future, you are entitled to do it, but do it in the most assertive way possible don’t downgrade, don’t bash and don’t humiliate, rejection is part of life, it happen and it can make you bitter or hopeful, the choice is yours kiddo.