#god personal

[exquisitelyeco]

Who am I?

Who am I? What do I see, When I look in the mirror, Who looks back at me? So many things that are not my own, But is part of the damage in me that’s been sown. What does God see, When He looks at me? Knowing I’m not yet the person He meant me to be. How can he love this damaged human heart, That is hateful and fearful, in part? Yet in His love, He restores to me, My heart, all cleaned up, As it was meant to be. He takes all my mess, My pain and my shame, He puts it on His cross, That should bear my name. He cleans all the damage I have deep inside, And makes me all beautiful, Just like a bride. Restoring my heart, Just as it should be, And giving me back the gift that is me.

Though life is hard, And my life is so dark, I know He is here and My heart has His spark, I know He will come and rescue me, And restore the person He made me to be. How can I thank this Man God divine, Who took all my sin, and then made Himself mine? This wonderful God, He allowed me to see, The freedom of His Glory, Living in me. And everyday, He works on my heart, And mends it anew, A fresh new start, Healing and loving, And He’s giving to me, Back the person, He made me to be.

[exquisitelyeco]

Can I ever have more of Gods character in me?

Can I ever have more of Gods character in me?

This was written a while ago. Updated at bottom!

With a miracle! I gossip, struggle with judgement, strife, envy, spite, revenge, hate, lust, manipulation, self righteousness, pride, condemnation, umbridge, bad thoughts, the list goes on….Some of this is slowly changing. But most is depressingly to big and practised. Some are habits, some fill gaps in conversation. Some I am not sure if it’s…

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[exquisitelyeco]

Nicola, through the looking glass…..

Last week, I told you about how hard hearted and judgemental I had been to two people I was asked to meet. See ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall,’ before you read this, cos you won’t get it other wise……Because I knew somethings one them had done, I hardened my heart and initially refused. Unless my pastor, Susan, helped me see it differently. She did. She said if she treated people by the things she knew about them, how horrid that would be. And how we can give Christ to them, regardless of what they have done. We need to see past what they do, to who they ARE. I have had a few themes with Scrooge, lately. Michael Caine and the Muppets one. To be exact. I think God gave me that on purpose. To help me understand, so I might be able to help you, about what He talks about in the bible. Because the parables and bible can be so hard to understand. God is opening my mind up to His word by childish things. My dad would have loved this……and it’s helping me SEE His word alive. Gods word that is......not my dads......So, in the song, Scrooge sings:

And I thank Disney and their song writers, who’s words these are: With a thankful, with a endless joy With a growing family, every girl and boy Will be nephew and niece to me Nephew and niece to me Will bring love, hope and peace to me Love hope and peace to me Yes, everyday will end and everyday will start With a grateful prayer and a thankful heart With an open smile and with open doors I will greet welcome, and what’s mine is yours With a glass raised to toast your health With a glass raised to toast your health And a promise to share the wealth Promise to share the wealth I will sail a friendly course, file a friendly chart On a sea of love and a thankful heart Life is like a journey Who knows when it ends? Yes, and if you need to know the measure of a man you simply count his friends Stop and look around you The glory that you see

Is born again each day, don’t let it slip away How precious life can be (Read more: Muppets – Thankful Heart Lyrics | MetroLyrics ) And I cannot get over how MUCH truth is in these words. It goes so deep, it’s truly AMAZING. I saw this morning, in my time with God how like Scrooge, I had been! I was being Scrooge my refusing to share myself with the people I’d judged. So did he. His nephew. He had judged him wrongly and shut him out of his heart. He had hardened it against humanity. So I too, was keeping a closed, angry, judgemental and self righteous heart. Being stingy and mean with the Christ part of me. Daring to choose to withhold myself, in my unrighteousness indignation at being asked to see them! Yes, of course peoples sin is wrong and we do have times when we need to get righteously angry. But doing it Gods way is to be humble and look at our planks FIRST. (See my blog, Planks,….parable of the log and the speck!) And I had not looked at my planks, of anger and at my own sin first! Because if I had, I would not have been hard. I had kept my anger in me and used it AGAINST them! Not given it to God, like He wanted me too, in obedience. I nursed it. I fed it. With the justification they did not DESERVE to see me, the Christ part of me. How bloody ignorant and rude!

How can that lead them to repentance, and so to change? If that is what is needed? NO! That could have led them, had they seen or known it, and it WAS certainly leading me, into darkness and more sin. But God, in His kindness and mercy, used my Pastor, Susan, like Scrooges Christmas Spirit visits…….to show me my heart was hard, mean and unforgiving. Like scrooges was. And that mercy allowed me to see, like Scrooge, I needed to repent, or put in another way, TURN MY ATTITUDE AROUND. And I did! Whooooo hoooo,……which sounds better, and CERTAINLY less churchy, yucky and vomit worthy than saying Hallelujah…… And I found, like Scrooge, I now have MORE. More family! More blessing. So much more than I ever deserved. Because I chose, although not at first, till my pastor helped me, to choose to pick up a thankful heart. By remembering who I am without Christ and seeing that He loved me ANYWAY, AS I AM. So I chose not too ‘Hide my light under a basket’ but to let it out. And WOW, that was illuminating! For all of us. I saw their lights, they saw mine! Scrooge sung of a promise to ‘share the wealth’ But he was not just talking about money! He is talking about his HEART, he became a second FATHER to tiny Tim! The thankful heart is a generous heart! It wants to INCLUDE!!

A hard heart EXCLUDES. That is why Jesus had such an issue with Pharisees. Their hearts were so hard. They excluded everyone. So blind had they become to their choice to see only THEIR judgements, not Gods, that they did not even recognise God, when they DID see Him! He offended them. And they did to Him, what I had done to those poor people in my heart, before God softened it. Killed Him. All because their attitude was wrong, like mine had been. I recently posted a song, in my post Mirror, Mirror on the wall….. ‘I’m going to look twice at you, until I see the Christ in you.’ Do we really, REALLY know the importance and urgency of this message? How many people have we shut out, because we failed to do this? What does it mean? It means looking DEEPER,, or looking PAST, or looking BEYOND what offends us on the SURFACE. I swear. At times really badly. But if you just saw that, and switched off, if you refused to look no further but took OFFENCE at my behaviour, you’d never see ME! You’d only see the OFFENCE in me! Or to put it another way, you’d only see the fault and no further! Of course sometimes we need correction. But from humility, not in judgement. That makes us blind, so we do it the wrong way! We have to look for the CHRIST in them! I SAW Christ in them, because I had actively chosen to look for it, albeit in a stumbling way. I put down the judging need to see the offence, to feed my own self righteousness and hate. And because of that, the blessings I have are, filled up and running over! Not only do I have two more people who love me, I have a growth God allowed me, good seed sown and, I will no longer be judged by the measure I USED to use! But God helped me to repent of. How Good and kind is my God! What gifts He gives.

I can never thank God enough for the joy of meeting those people. With their specialness and sparkle. And for Christ coming to find me, in my judgment, where I was lost, and restoring a new heart within me, albeit one that needs much, much more practise at this stuff, that’s incredible! I hope I never, ever, harden my heart like that again. Thanks, God. You da’man. Really.

[exquisitelyeco]

A New Year, older? But it only gets better!

So we are just starting a New Year! 2018! As a child I could no more imagine that date than I could reach the moon. I never thought I would get old! It seemed forever till I was the longed for 18! Yet when I got there I was unprepared. I was already pregnant with my second child. I had lost my first at 16. I spent all my young adulthood in a fantasyland in my head. Going from one relationship to the next. Getting more and more loaded with damage. Now I’m 47. Do you know, I dislike 47! Poor old 7! It doesn’t sit comfortably with me! So I’ll let you into a little secret. On birthday years I have found I don’t want to be, I just skip to the next one up! It means I’m that age for a LONG time, and helps me get used to the next one! So I am thinking I may well just go straight to 48! Two years of 50! Ahhhhhh! Nearly HALF a century! Lordy! But guess what? I’m great. I’ve still got far to go. But I am so much further than I was. I am single, yes. But that is okay! I can celebrate me. All my life I disowned myself. Didn’t know myself. Hated myself. And was in one or another relationship that was unhealthy. I just couldn’t do relationship.

Do I want to get old? Of course not! Who does? But I want to get old WELL. Ageing is something none of us can stop. Beautiful, wealthy, famous, all of us will get old. We can try to cheat it. Dye our hair. Have plastic surgery. But eventually, no matter what you do, or how much you spend, it WILL show! Everything has a habit of wanting to visit Australia, if you get my meaning……if not, please do figure it out. Really ain’t that hard! I’ll give you a hint. If you were Australian, it'd want to visit here….. But does it matter? YES! Of course it does! People say beauty is on the inside. And they are 100% right. But for a lot of us, feeling good on the outside matters! It gives us a confidence. I dye my hair. I did think of dying it ALL grey white! Cos I have a Morticia streak. I can’t spell her name I don’t think,….the one in the Adams Family…..So I thought I’d embrace it! I can be crackers like that……not sure if it’s really me, or a desire to shock! But it will be an adventure finding out! Anyway, my hairdresser said it would damage my hair, and was hard to maintain. So that kiboshed it. Which means, for those of you in the dark, stopped it dead! Although hopefully you are NOT in the dark, literally…..ITS BAD FOR YOUR EYES…..that was actually caps lock! Clearly a spiritual message coming through…….Bad for your eyes, if you is reading a devise in the dark….. But actually, I look very good for 47. But I’m so glad I’ve changed. Me unchanged, at 47, would have been a disaster bad enough to made a dog vomit. Really! The journey I have been on has changed me on the inside. And so have plans for myself! Wow! I want to go visiting. There is a church in California I want to visit. I have some friends and family in the US of A I want to see. I want to try to help others, the way I have been helped. That is part of the reason I write this blog. I don’t like putting myself out here! I am a private person. And making myself vulnerable is scary. But if God wants this, it will succeed. If any one of my experiences helps just one person out of the darkness or despair they feel, then I am content. It will have been worth it.

Cos my life has been colourful! In fact, I’d say it’s been every colour there is……. but God has been extraordinary. Intimately active in my life. Down to tiny detail. And it’s that specialness I want to pass on. That God IS. And really, my oh my, IS HE! I don’t know why I have had such detailed experiences of God. Audible voices, Angels,…miraculous things have happened. My life had been saved countless times. I have been rescued countless times. And finally dragged to CCD, to sort my self out. To take RESPONSIBILITY for my-SELF. Cap locks on purpose, ‘afore you points it out…..I never had taken responsibility for me. I’d let everyone else do it. First my dad forced me too. Then I abdicated and gave my life’s control to men. I people pleased. I forced myself to like and want people, because I did not know how to say no to them. I was never taught no. I was forced to comply. So my fear kept me enslaved to people I did not want to be with, because I did not know how to say no. And to turn around and walk away. So no, when it came to keeping me safe, was not in my vocabulary. And I am only just, beginning to want to learn to be brave enough to say NO! Brave? Yes. Because as a child, saying no, meant beatings. And cruelty. So saying no, for me, is a VERY big deal! Especially to a man. I was terrified of them. Still am, to a degree. But I have been learning, not all men are equal! Some men ARE men. Some just have a pair of balls attached. Why? Because a real man is kind. And protecting. He is gentle and does not force his way. He is patient, and respectful. Though my marriage break up I learned this. Weird, eh? My marriage breaks up and I see men are nice! I’ll tell you why. Because I couldn’t believe how angry my male friends got at the way my ex husband treated me. I know some of them would cheerfully take his head off. I thought all men would stick together. So did my ex. He thought my boys would all be on his side and think I was the meany. Nope. Not a chance! And my other male friends? I was shocked to find did not like, or trust him. Because they could see what kind of MAN he was. He had given up his manliness and was just wearing a pair of balls. He was choosing to be what he thought a man was. Not being himself.

As himself, he was a man with the capability to love so well. To show Christ well. To honour and protect so well. But he wanted things that were not manly. And he chose things that destroyed him, and his personhood. Now he is vile. Underhand, cruel, dishonest and a bully. Because he chose selfishly. That remainder me of Indiana Jones on the last Crusade, where the knight, at the death of Donovan, say’s ‘He chose….unwisely….!’ I love the way he said it. With irony! Because Donovan was not satisfied with what he had. He had to have more. And it did not matter what that cost or who it hurt to get it. And that is not picking up manhood. But being selfish. Paul said that a man must love his wife, like Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5 v 25 – 33) Do you GET that? That’s why men love to be knights in shining armour! Because it’s built in them! It’s what they ARE. But they have to CHOOSE to want it. Because real knight denies himself. He will fight, suffer and die to protect those he loves. I don’t mean murder! I mean sacrifice. Jesus died to save us. And women have no less an honour, to love, cherish and RESPECT their husbands. What does this mean? To be the underdog? NO! To honour him! To show him his love is PRECIOUS! The sacrifices he makes VALUABLE. That you are WORTHY of his love! Making him proud to be seen with you! No slagging him off. No tearing him down. We ladies love to do that. Slag our man off, if he gets in wrong. STUPID, BLIND and EVIL. A man torn down feels he is not a man. He feels a failure. How DARE we treat a person we are supposed to love like that? A man must love and honour his wife, AS HE LOVES HIMSELF. Do you beat yourself?….. bit of a shitty situation here, if you do…..do you verbally ripped up at yourself? Do you starve yourself? Do you neglect yourself? Do you buy the worst rubbish for yourself? Do you abuse or misuse yourself? THEN WHY DO IT TO YOUR WIFE? A man who LOVES his wife, LOVES himself well! So both man and wife who live like that, have WELLS of love to give each other. And are not parched, unhappy and bitter.

Yes, you can force. But it will not bless you. It will curse you. Both here in this life, and in the next, if you do not change. Why will God bless you there, if you have not honoured what you have, which honours HIM, down here? How we deceive ourselves! God does NOT and NEVER will reward hypocrisy. He HATES it! Read Matthew 23 from verses 25 on wards. Do not deceive yourselves, God is never mocked. He knows us to the very deepest recesses of our heart. ALL our motives and actions. All will be exposed before Him. And we will be rewarded for what we have done. So LOVE! Do you want a woman who is loyal to you? Who wants the best for you? Who LOVES to give, serve and be there for you? THEN LOVE HER! Ladies, do you want your husband to respect, honour and treat you like a lady? THEN ACT LIKE ONE! How we love to bitch, but when we get mistreated, we bitch even more! We refuse to treat others how WE want to be treated! So why do we expect to be treated better, ourselves?! How selfish! No wonder relationships like that only last two minutes. It’s full of SELF, SELF, SELF. I’m not talking about violence. You never allow that, or stay around. A person, man or woman who does that is selfish. They do not care about you. It’s all about them. So no excuses. Leave. If change is not apparent, then you are best off out of there. Because in a relationship, each party puts the OTHER one first! It’s not about you! It’s about them. And by making it about them, they make it about YOU! And if not, and that is habitual, you need to ask yourself why you are still there! Sure, we need to learn. To discern, who, why, what. But we need to do that BEFORE we get hooked! Or it’s harder for all concerned. If you are keeping secrets, then chances are that relationship is poison. If you are not encouraged to meet up with your mates, SEE the danger signals! LEAVE!

A good man or woman, will NOT be intimidated by waiting. They will not be intimidated by you talking to your mates. They will honour you. Not pressure you. Any person who pressures you, is not good for you! Because it’s about them, not you! We need to learn these things. I am having to learn them as an old person! (Not that old, just trying to make peace with it early! To try to see it’s reality and not deny it. My granddaughter tells me I am not old, bless her!) Cos I wasn’t taught and I didn’t know. And I chose foolishly. I invested my time with relationships where I was not put first. They were. Or, I put myself first, and not them. But I am learning now. Cos I’m to old to get it wrong again! Getting old, without change is horrible to see! Who wants to see an 80 year old, a dirty old boob grabbing man? No. He is just seen as a horrible, sick person to avoid! What about a 90 year old woman in a mini skirt and showing her bra? Ewwwwwww! If we learn, we AGE well! Because that’s the time, rubber hits the road, and real beauty, that is within, is so much more attractive. A beautiful spirit has a beautiful face. A grumbling moaning spirit a horrible one. A peaceful spirit has a lovely face. A grumpy one, a mean face. A generous spirit, a happy, contented face. A mean one, a mean one! What we put in, is what we get out! So if you are not sorting out a mean, grumbling spirit, watch out! Cos everyone is going to know, by the look in your face! And the older we get, the harder it is to change. Cos we are too stuck in our ways. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Well, you can. But it’s harder. Because we have become USED to what we are! So getting old can be exciting or terrifying. I have much to change. But I am older and wiser. And hopefully will grow older and wiser still. And so hope I will be a joy to those who know me. That they will welcome me in. Not want me to leave! And the more we grow up, the younger we get! Because if we are changing, and changing well, we grow BIGGER. Life offers more and more. To a moaning, complaining person, life gets smaller and more bitter. More people can no longer bear their company. They become isolated and alone. Because their spirit is like a wine left too long, tastes like vinegar! Take the top off, deal with the problem and you’ll have champagne! That leaves a sweet remembrance and a desire to have more, with everyone you meet!

So 2018 I declare, I’ll be more of a champagne to my family, friend and MYSELF, by the end of this year, than vinegar.

[exquisitelyeco]

A few questions of heaven........

So today I was on the bus. Thinking of what to write and I thought of my wee thoughts of heaven. Had a better title but forgot it. So what DO I think heaven will be like? What do YOU think? Now I DO write some of the stuff I think heaven will be like. BUT you may notice the odd questions with it……. Well seems to me, it’s going to be like here. No floating in fluffy clouds with harps, singing hallelujah, thank Goodness. That makes Hell sound hot…….which it will be, in another sense of the word…..who wants to be a boring floaty thing with wings and a harp? Not me! I’m going to wear long flowing dresses and pinky peach patent leather three inch high heels! So. Transport. Trains? Has to be trains. I love steam engines….don’t go all silly on me! EVERY good idea comes from God, bible said so, so there! And why would our God give us great ideas, just to throw them away for a stupid harp on a cloud, tell me THAT, HUMMMM? Bear with me here! Every good idea, invention, EVERYTHING comes from God. And we all know He NEVER throws good things away……right?…..YES! Right! But anyway, back to trains, what about those sad few who love diesel or electric trains? Will they have different tracks? I mean there must be such thing as clean fuel there. What about cars and motor bikes? HAS to be Harley’s! But what if you’d live centuries before and wanted a horse and carriage, or a horse and cart, or even a cow and cart? Will they share the road? Will there be a speed limit? Will somehow cars automatically slow down, before they get too close? Who maintains the roads? ‘Afore you say anything, God AIN’T Mary Poppins! At least not always.

As angels are ministering servants, they are going to have a LOT of work to do. Or, talking of cars and horses, will your car suddenly have overtaken the horse, just by thought? If you didn’t want to drive, could you just think where you wanted to go, to get there? If you want to drive, will you need to take a test? If you have a horse, will it poo? Will the poo just disappear cos technically it’s ‘dead’? Talking of dead, what happens to leaves when they fall of a tree? I mean when a leaf falls it’s dead isn’t it? But that’s not fair! Poor leaf! It’s budded, and grown and done it’s bit, then it disappears for ever? What about our pets? I have had loads of cats. Will I keep them all? They’d better be up there, God. I’ll be really upset if not. What about the cats I had that didn’t ‘grab’ my heart, like others did. I loved them, but didn’t connect as deeply. Surely they won’t be just gone into oblivion! That’s not fair! Even You don’t have favourites! Do they get given to someone else? What if they see me and want to come back to me? Will you ever want to give a pet AWAY? I mean, I’ll have a LOT of cats…… What about houses? Before you start, AGAIN, Jesus HIMSELF stated, He was off to build us a mansion each. I don’t want a mansion. But a little cottage, with a veranda, conservatory, window seats, huge kitchen, with lots of cupboards and a huge range cooker, sunken bath room, massive, light, airy craft room, on the banks of the river, with a ramp thing or whatever they are called….for a boat, library with some big, squishy, cuddly chairs and huge fire places, would be nice. What about cleaning? Will we need too? Can you ask somebody to do it for you? Can you get them to wear a frilly apron and cap? Will some people wear uniforms for work? Will they need safety gear? How will things work? Will there be electricity? How can it be solar, if there is no sun?!!! What about gas? How does a cooker work? Do we have fireplaces? What if we want electricy ones…..no spelling error, new word! Will they work, ‘through faith?’

What about boats? Now I know we will walk on water, but what if you don’t want too? Do you need to practise first? I mean, I don’t think WE will be like Mary Pops, in the fact that we will learn new things, ourselves there. Be blasted boring if we get there and know it all already! What about ladies shaving their legs? Surely if there is so much life there, your hair would grow back the same day! Could you order it in the name of Jesus, not to grow? And appearance. Surely we don’t have to stay looking the same for EVER, that would be soooooo boring and tedious. What if you want to colour your hair? Do you go to a hair dresser? Do you, in faith tell your hair to change colour? Dresses. Are there shops? I know Old God said He will give us a robe of righteousness or a garment of Salvation, but to only have one garment for ETERNITY? What if it rips? If you tear it on a bush, does the bush go all soft, so it can’t tear? Do you have to sew it yourself? What if it gets dirty? I know there WILL be mud in heaven. Hippos love mud! Dogs love mud! Toddlers love mud! And as I have started before, God MADE mud. Now it’s no good you thinking this can’t happen, this stuff. Cos, logically it has too! Why? Cos when God made this earth He said it was good. Not second rate, or could be improved on. GOOD. And John 3 v 16 states Jesus came to save the world. Note that word! World! Not just us. We sodded up the whole thing. Ruined everything. And old G wants to put it back how it should have been. What about habitats? I mean, as Paul boringly said, there would be no more sea, it will all be one land mass. So does it start at desert, go through to scrubland, then prairie, then hills then end up in the rainforest? Is it all mashed in, with a miraculous habitat? There’s no sun! How does that work? And what if you liked the moon, night and stars? Surely God can do something about that? I love the moon and stars! I want moon!

Animals, will they give testimony at the judgement? Will they talk in heaven? Is that how they will tell what happened? What if they didn’t like it when you teased them? Or didn’t walk them regularly? Will THEY get to choose your punishment for that? And what happens when you die? I mean, if you are not friends with God? Do you see Jesus? Surely that’s not fair! Cos you are already going to be judged, so seeing the love of God is mean! Do you have to go to a waiting area, whilst they ‘check’ if you’ve got in? IS it Peter at the pearly gates? ARE the gates made of pearl? Bit weird.....Do you get a ticket, and go through a turnstile? And if the ticket doesn’t go through you haven’t got in? What if they make a mistake with your ticket? Surely if you have to go to a waiting room, it’s kind of like being judged anyway, cos they have to decide what happens to you. So your judged twice! Yes, bad grammar……so? Do you go through a long white light tunnel? Do you get on a bus? Like in C. S. Lewis book, ‘The great divorce?’ A brilliant, but sober read…..Is there purgatory? Is the waiting room purgatory? Is purgatory so scary you wont make it to heaven? Bit worried about that! Me scareded….yup, new word. What if you don’t like spiders here? Will you miraculously love them in heaven? Will you have to learn? Do shoes wear out? Do you have to go to a shoe mender? As your in heaven, will the heels last forever? What if you ENJOYED being a shoe mender? I know one thing. There won’t be ANY smart price, value or essentials poor person range, when it comes to food. Gods not mean! It will all be finest! Don't believe me? Check out John 2 v 5-10! So there, Teresa may…..small m. And if you actually get there, bet you get a TENT. No looking down on people. No class system. I think we WILL look up to some people, like Paul, Peter, King David etc. But in a nice deference and respect. Not because we are made or think we are inferior. The tories will hate heaven. Poor people blessed! I have to say, I will laughs and throw my hat in the air and say ‘Sod you lot! Hahahahahaha!’And I’ll lend old Teresa a sleeping bag……notice I said lend….

So animals testifying. Some nasty stuff done to animals has not been seen. Will they talk? Does God video our life? Does that include being on the LAVATORY? What if you do something naughty in the loo? I mean, your on your phone, scrolling and making nasty comments. Will heaven see you sitting there, as punishment? Will the loo bit be blocked or shaded out? I mean I have to confess, I have ASKED God to video stuff for prosperity! Like when my cat sits next to or on my head in the dark, and puts her cheek on my cheek. I make my eyes try to focus, into the camera, and ask God to video it! Seriously! Not as if I can see it from the position I’m in….. can you change a photo? What if you got caught at a wrong angle and it spoilt the picture? Which is why I try to focus….. Does china beak in heaven? Is it mended? Can you mend it, ‘by faith?’ Not that we are Mary Pops, but it might be an emergancy! Supposing you dropped the pudding? And have no time to make a new one? Surely using faith in that situation is okay? What if you started taking advantage? Do you get stopped using that kind of faith for a while? Surely you can’t throw it away? The bowl that is, not the faith…..What happens to our rubbish? Is it recycled? What happens to hair when it falls out your head? Does it disappear? Is it used for something? What about scraps of food? Do dogs and cats eat it, instead of tins? Do dogs and cats even get given tins? How do they eat? Grass? Dogs love bones! Will there be wood tasting bones, that don’t splinter? And some kind of toy mouse for cats? Will cats BE predatory? Do we need dentists? Will we have crooked teeth? Were we all supposed to have straight teeth, but cos of the fall Some got sticky out ones? Can you choose to have a brace? Do you feel pain, if you fall over? Or does the ground become like sponge? Can you think your self upright, before you HIT the ground? Do you bleed, as a spirit? What happens when you’ve eaten? Do you poo? Are moles and freckles part of the fall? Seriously! One preacher from the USA, (why is it always USA, preachers?!) said moles were ‘spots and blemishes, that should not be there!’ But what if you LIKE your mole? I like my freckles, Thankyou very much! How will they show, if there is no sun? What if you have a mole you DON’T like? Will Jesus let you remove it? Can you have plastic surgery? If you’ve HAD plastic surgery here, and you die, do you still have the change made in heaven? What if you really want bigger boobs? What if you DID’NT like the surgery?

If you wear tights and they ladder, can you ‘heal’ them by faith?!! The same as if your zipper breaks….. What if you LIKE wearing glasses? Do you get to wear them with plain glass? Will we need sunglasses when we see God? Do the Seraphim around His throne EVER stop flying? What about stuff like make up? Surely there WILL be make up! Handbags and shoes! No more pleather! Or faux leather! Only pure materials! Wool, satin, silk, brocade. But what if you LIKE polyester or nylon? Will sheep get shorn for wool? What if you want a leather jacket? Are there leather trees? Cos, after all there’s no death! What about BACON and steak? How are we going to get those? A machine that replicates earth food? What about diet? Will we have to eat healthily? Will chickens lay eggs and cows give milk? How will they make chocolate? What happens to stuff we make in factories? Will heaven have factories? What happens if you want something? God hates money! Do you go in and say, ‘What will you want for those shoes?’ What if someone does something silly? Will they get told off? DO you get told off in heaven? How embarrassing…..who tells you off? What if you get caught speeding? What happens about rain? With no sun, how do we get clouds? Children like splashing in puddles! I like splashing in puddles. We once went down a road full of pot holes and I taught my boys to do a run up to my brother and land in a puddle, right next to him,…..Or I did it….. What if you like umbrellas? What about snowballs? Snow ball fights?

What about Christmas and Birthdays? Will we celebrate those? Thanksgiving, Easter? What about holidays? Will we get them? What work will we do? Will we want too? Are there beds? What if you LIKE sleepiness? I do. How can you sleep if there is no moon? Why does God want no moon? I WANT MOON! And as good things come from You, YOU said the moon was good when you made it! You can’t just throw it away! Poor moon! Are stars living? Do they have human form, when they come down here? Do cats get fleas? What were fleas originally created FOR? Why create them? Surely not just for sin and punishment? Poor fleas! They are living! That’s not fair! What about worms and head lice? Did they have another purpose? Did you just make thistles and thorns to punish us? Thistles look pretty! Did stingers develop stings because of the fall? Will we call them ‘Stinglesses’? What happens to spare seeds when they fall to the ground? Do they ALL grow? It will get crowded! Will the garden need weeding? What happens to pulled up plants? Do they die? HOW can they die, if there is no death in heaven? What about if we cut flowers for a vase? Do they stay there forever? IS there a manure heap? Cos technically manure is rotting dead stuff? Or is that legalistic? But if it is where do you draw the line? IS there a line? Will poo be used as manure? Will there be supermarkets? I hope just little town markets. But what if you like Costa? What if you were a butcher on earth? What then? Will you enjoy cutting up meat trees? Will it feel the same? That is, if there ARE meat trees. What if you like name brand stuff? Can you have it? Hopefully it won’t all be WWJD, or Hallelujah, or big J or something! Ewwwww.

So….many questions! I have so many questions… Paul, why did he make such a big deal about women covering their hair? Does he feel guilty looking down from heaven, seeing the problems he caused, cos of that? Does James feel sorry he was so legalistic? Has Jonah met the whale that swallowed him whole? Are they friends? Well, God, you said, ‘Eye had not seen or ear heard,’……..which reminds me! Music! There had better be heavy rock in heaven! Metal! What about violent, but good movies? Can we still watch them? Can we watch the ones made on earth, in heaven? Can we make violent movies in heaven? Or is that the line, again, if there is one? Some movies like that EDIFY…..! I mean all the bible history! That was violent! It would and does make good movies! Can we watch people’s life’s that were interesting in heaven? What happens to people who don’t get to heaven but did good things? Do we acknowledge that? How do you deal with that in the judgment? What about books? And speaking different languages? Will we still need to do that? Is the English Language spoken in heaven? Do we speak a heavenly language? Do we have to learn it first? If so, will all the books in the world need to be translated? Who will do it? What about horror or thriller books, if people like them? Will they be allowed to read them? Will people still write stuff like that? Will there be cinemas for films you’ve already seen, or will your memory be so good you can watch them, or listen to music you’ve known in your head? Can you do both? Just for the EXPERIENCE of the cinema? Will we still burp? Especially after fizzy? What about computers? Will we have those? Mobile phones? What if you LIKE having a phone or iPad? Or can we ‘telepathically’ talk to people not near us? What if loads of people are doing it to the same person at once? Do you have to queue?…..to ‘telepathy’ talk to them, I mean….What if you can just materialise before them, and loads do it at the same time? Or they are still communicating in their telepathic mode? Will you know? Will their eyes look spaced out? DO we need to queue anywhere? What if we ALL want to see Jesus all the time at ONCE? Be a bit busy…..what if you want PERSONAL time with J? Do you make an appointment? Guess I’m going to have to wait and see……I tell you, thank God it IS eternity! It’s going to take that long to get answers……..

[exquisitelyeco]

Being deaf to God.....and taking my own control.....Are there consequences?

What consequences of doing what we want, compared to doing it how God wants it? Is it worth listening to His plans for us? Surely we know ourselves best, don’t we? Well, no. Mostly, many of us do not know ourselves at all! We live out of habits and behaviours that we have picked up in our past. Often we end up copying the things we most dislike about our family. We have ALL heard the term ‘Your turning into your mum!’ Or ‘Your just like your dad.’ And it’s not always said in a nice way. For example, take me. Much of my life has been shaped by fear. Fear from my father. He taught me to be afraid. To be very afraid. And to hide my fear behind hate. Because hate felt powerful. Where did I learn that hate felt more powerful? From my dad. Because all of my life that is what I saw him do. It was how he chose to live. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think he really knew. He just knew he was angry, especially with women. And I didn’t know. I went to a special educational unit, because I could not cope with school. I had been to badly bullied. Inside I was a jelly, outside I pretended I wasn’t. But I couldn’t cope. As I said before. I turned my anger mostly inward. I did not know I had done that. I hated myself. That IS what it means, turning your anger inward. But I did not know that then. I would self harm, so show how ‘tough’ I was. I remember once, being asked by one of the guys in the unit ‘Why do you do that? You are so pretty’ and my answer, if I could have grabbed it and understood it then! It was profound. I said ‘Because if I hurt the out side, the inside will not hurt as much.’

That was the key. But I did not know it. So Anger, hate, fear became part of me. Was it who I really was? No. It was the habits I picked up. But I believed it WAS me. I hated God. God had given me my parents. And He didn’t answer my anger, when I screamed and challenged Him. I was interested in many unhelpful things. The occult being among them. Was that me? Really me? No. The occult gave me a sense of power. I enjoyed the darkness. I found the darkness seemed to answer me. God hadn’t. I felt I could control the world around me with it. Could I? No. But I didn’t believe that. I thought I could. But the darkness controlled me! What do I mean? I mean I was acting out of hate and feeding fear. They are both dark. The lie was they were powerful. In their own way, they were. Especially when I was at the mercy of my father. His hate was powerful. I was a child. I was in his power. So it seemed powerful to me as an adult. But in stead of me controlling it, it controlled me. How? Making me afraid to do things. Go places. Afraid to stick up for myself. To say how I really felt. To do what I really wanted to do. I was afraid too. I can honestly say, if I was where I am now, then, I would have never, ever played with such evil. But I fed it. How? By watching horror movies. By reading horror books, by studying dark knowledge. By choosing to live hating myself. (Starving myself, putting my life in danger, by entering abusive relationships, etc) Don’t get me wrong. I am not condemning anybody. If horror is your thing, that’s your choice. But for me, personally, it fuelled my fear. It reinforced it. And it gave it power. Because it got bigger, though my choices.

Then there was sex. All my life I had been told I was ugly. Dad made that clear. He would call my sister and I derogatory names and draw horrid pictured of us, and force us to laugh at them. Everything he did was to degrade and humiliate us. But when I was 14 something changed. I noticed the boys started paying me attention. They were very interested in my body. I loved Madonna and dressed like her. And so I learned, if you use or portray your body in a flirty way, you are wanted. Wow! That fed my low self esteem. But even that was a lie and self deceit! Because I was used and chucked aside! So inside I was in pain. And it also meant I slept around. And because it was wrong, and I knew it was, being promiscuous, I revelled in it. Anything I could do to piss God off, I’d do. On purpose. I wanted to hurt Him because I believed He hurt me. By giving me my dad. So here I was, driven by fear, choosing hard habits, like self harm and unhelpful dress. Anger pouring out of me. So provocative it just was not true. I tell you, once God had to send an angel to save me from something terrible to do with that. I only realised he was an angel after it had all happened and so was safe. But I didn’t care. I didn’t change. I didn’t even know how. I’d try. But those trying to help me did not know how to help. I was in churches, but the dress was boring! I was young, I couldn’t handle it. So I left. So I was living my life with fear in it. With hate in it. With anger in it. With lust in it. Because lust was what it was. The attention I got. If a guy came along who tried to respect me, I couldn’t deal with him. Why? Because I hated myself, and his love did not feed that! It contradicted it. We attract what we live and believe! So I wanted a bad boy! And I found them. I also lived with much, much deceit. Why? Because I convinced myself it was ok to live this way. I thought I was a catch! But inside I believed I had no worth. So I was in conflict. Do you see? Convincing myself I was desirable, but hating myself inside. Sure, I knew very well how to get a man. But it was the wrong kind! I convinced myself they loved me! How deceiving! They did not love me. They just wanted a shag.

So I thought I was in control of my life. But I wasn’t! My pain was controlling me. I was driven by hate, fear, revenge, self revenge, lust. To name a few. I lived in an imaginary world in my head. Where I was wanted. By men who were hard. But I could not see that when I got them, in reality, my life was made unhappy. I was hurt, and afraid of them. So how much more was I living in deceit? Convincing myself I wanted hard men, who hurt me! So did I know me? The me who would have been, if my dad had not terrorised, bullied and humiliated me? No! I had no clue. So how could my choices for my life be wise? I found refuge in hiding behind my children’s buggies. But was not mature enough to be a parent. So my children suffered. I dragged them from pillar to post. Normally running from one relationship of fear, straight into another one. Because I thought if I got someone even harder, I’d be kept safe. More and more self deceit. More and more FEAR, anger, pain. Do you see the consequences? By living in fear I was continuing perpetuating it. Making it bigger and more horrid at every step! So if I did not know who I was, how could I possibly make good decisions for my life? I didn’t even know all the sin I was carrying. I knew about the hate and fear. But I did not know I was friends with them. I did not understand the extent to which I fed them. And allowed them to grow. I had no idea I was a narcissist, self deceived and unrealistic person. When that did come up, I shut it out. I would not believe it. I wanted hate and fear. Well, I deceived myself into thinking I did. But narcissism? Self deceit? Reality? No Thankyou!

It was not until God dragged me kicking and screaming to CCD that I went on a journey of self discovery that shocked me to the core of my being. And at one point caused me a breakdown, because a I saw how deep the hate for myself really was. Funny thing is, even when I have been at my darkest, God has always been there. Always trying to get close to me. Sometimes I’d let Him get a bit close. But then I’d see fear and I’d run. Because a I didn’t know I had made fear a friend. I used it because I liked its power. I liked horror films. But by the time I was about 19-21 I had so filled myself with horror I couldn’t do it anymore. It horrified me, literally! Even now, over twenty years later, if I remember a horror film, it all comes back like I have only just watched it. That’s why I tell my children, be careful what you put in, cos it’s much harder to get it out! So like our friend Gollum, I both loved and hated fear! So me controlling my life, my way was useless. One relationship to another. More and more fearful of the men I chose. Hating myself. Hurting myself. Filling my life with invisible unreality, in my head. That was savage and dark. I tell you. I thank God now for His mercy. When I got to CCD I could just put down a habit of ‘imagining’ that I had had since I was 9. And I was 30. My pastor said that is not possible. To have a life, living in an imaginary world for that long, and to just give it up. But that was part of a Gods grace and mercy to me, personally. I now shudder in revulsion, to think of what I would have been like now, at 46, if God had not saved me. A hideous old bag. Angry, critical, lustful, deceitful, down right blasted awful! A more Hell bound person, you would not have found. So I clearly see me controlling my life was a failure. But yet, I still try! We all do. Fight for a tiny bit of independence. Not realising or admitting that anything out side of God is just that! OUTSIDE!! Of His love and blessing for us. I think learning to trust God is a journey of letting go of all the different types of control we have and letting Him take over. He only promises good things. He promises to prosper us. To give us a future and a hope. To rescue us and save us. Yet we do not believe Him.

We look at the damage done to us, and we say ‘Bollocks, you don’t want to give me good things’ Yet we deceive ourselves. It was not God that abused and hurt me! It was my dad! Could God have stopped him? Yes. But think on it this way. When you have been utterly determined to do something or get something or someone you wanted, would you listen to ANYONE? That is why we talk about hindsight! Our choice to do things our way, I WILL, I WANT, our determination to have it our own way, stops God. If He stopped us all doing things, we wouldn’t do anything! Life would be boring. No choice. No chance. No way to live. Just robots. Like the movie equilibrium. No emotion. Emotion makes us alive, once it is healed of all the hurts of our lives. It gives us direction. It gives us relationship. It gives us freedom to be who we really are. But ONLY if we have been honest and open enough to look at the lives we live. The lies we believe and act on. What do I mean? Well, like self curses. I’ll tell you some of mine, I DON’T CARE. Actuality, yes I do. It’s a lie to stop me admitting how I really feel. If you find you say this a lot, next time you do, stop. And say, ‘Yes, I do care.’ And then see what happens! It’s shocking. Emotion we are trying to deny and not face, comes up! Another one I say, I am stupid. No, I am not stupid. I made a mistake. And until those beliefs are undone and replaced with life, and positive beliefs, and healthy habits, nothing changes. What do I mean? I mean changing don’t care to the truth. I do care. Because when I admit I DO care, I can deal with it! Saying I don’t care is going into denial that it’s even happening!

So me using the self curse ‘I DON’T CARE’ does not allow for me to make a choice myself. It only allows me to make a choice out of my damage, and pain. Don’t care came because I was hurting! It was a way of putting a piece of armour over my heart, so I could not feel the pain. But the reality was I COULD! But I didn’t want to, or didn’t dare too, deal with that. It hurt! I was scared. So I cursed myself with I don’t care, so I wouldn’t have too! I chose to not take responsibility for myself. I abdicated the self responsibility because I was to afraid to pick it up. Afraid I’d get hurt, bullied, what ever it was. For years I did not know this. I just said it. And so did it. And got hurt more and more in the process, but didn’t know why! When I came to CCD I realised one day what I was doing. I still do default to it. I must change. So what do I want to put in its place? When we move something and throw it away, we must replace it. Jesus said, about a mans house meaning, his heart, that if a demon leaves, it goes out into dry places, and it comes back. If it finds the place it lived, still empty, it moves back in and brings friends with it! So we are worse off than before! And NO, I am NOT saying it’s all demonic!!! It’s not. Hardly any is. But I am giving a parallel that we must let go of an unhelpful habit and replace it with a new one. So we are no longer vulnerable to that curse. Don’t care meant I got hurt. So I want personal responsibility. So when something happens and I am afraid, rather than deny it, I will go to God with it. And ask Him for His help. Because I have realised, doing it my way is the wrong way!

[exquisitelyeco]

An issue of trust.......

Recently I have really struggled to find God. It’s been so dark, lonely and hard. I forgot and indeed, chose not too, look up. I sulked and got really pissed off at God, to the point I was treating Him with contempt. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t really want God to go away. But I told Him too. Over and over in my anger, and under that was pain. In cursing. I told Him to get lost and leave me alone. That I was too tired and I didn’t care. (One of my self curses, sadly, keep defaulting when I’m pissed off….) I was talking to a friend on Sunday, whilst being driven to church. And I was really letting it out. She told me I was being childish. But I didn’t care. The night before I had lost it, yet again, with God. And been incredibly hurtful to Him. And I knew I needed to go to church on Sunday to sort myself out. Even so, I only text one person for a lift. When they didn’t text back, I announced to myself I did not care, and would not go. Even though I was on coffee duty. If I couldn’t get a lift, sod it. I wasn’t going to try harder.

BUT, even with no reply, I set my alarm anyway. I got up and dressed and put dinner in the slow cooker…I KNOW! How organised is that? Clever me! I was soooo grateful to get home and know dinner was ready! Well done Miss Red Slow Cooker extraordinaire! At one point I had a tiny panic, what if no body came. But I was still sulky and angry. So when I saw I had not one, but TWO text from people about a lift, I had two reactions. One was pissed off I hadn’t got out of it…….. So there I was, venting, as I have said before, I am learning to say how it is. Believe me, my friend was left in no uncertain terms as to how it was……. And I finally said, as justification for being like a two year old, ‘At least I’ve come! I wasn’t going too..’ partly anyway. In side I knew I must come. So marched into the kitchen, did some of my duties. No biscuits really. Marched to the cupboard. Announced a hello to another friend, who asked me how I was….wrong move. ‘Crap and holding on by my finger tips, AND my nails are broken.’ I announced. She asked me to repeat it……I did and carried on marching to the cupboard. I got there, and the cupboard was bare, in the words of Old mother Hubbard. Actually it wasn’t. But it was a bit thin…so I exaggerated to make this sound better, as it came to mind just then…..sorry……so one box, with odds and ends. I took out the nice ones and marched back. And began putting them PRETTILY in the basket.

Someone had tried. But to my mind, especially then, not hard enough. Cad! Upstart! I saw somebody that I particularly wanted and indeed, needed to avoid. So called another friend over to ask for protection. WOW, I really have lots of friends! She got out a gun….no she didn’t. But that would have been really cool if she had! And as I asked her help, my voice started to get upset, as I told her, in a few sentences, the state I was in. She was in one too! Heck! I said ‘Don’t worry. I’ll put you in the chair later, fiend! How dare you be in a state when I am in such need! Selfish! Horrid! No. I didn’t. I sympathised. For which I expect a chest of Gold in heaven. Such sacrifice in my time of need! So it was just worship this Sunday. Which had already put me off. Just worship? No preach? OMGoodness. Whaaaat? Boring! But on one of the songs, I decided to go down on my knees and tell God I wanted to be sorry. But that I didn’t have one. I was there a long time. Isn’t it embarrassing making the decision to do that? You think EVERYBODY is looking! And you are already trying to figure how to get up with dignity and so nobody notices! Anyway. I did manage it. And I thought I’d look at my phone to see some psalms. With a view to saying one.

The one that jumped out was psalm 91. I struggled with this. This was more about asking for help for me, and reminding God of my need. So how could it fit? Service was about worshipping Him! But I KNEW this was the one. So I dawdled for a bit. Had to get my nerve up…on a digression, God gives me pictures, so I don’t shut my eyes so He can’t do it……you just HAVE to share it when He does don’t you? And I don’t like that bit…. So anyway. As I said it, at the mike my voice started to wobble. Because my spirit was being reminded of Who my God is. What He does for me. Asking angels to uphold me, so I don’t trip…..so when you DO actually trip, is it their fault? Or does Gods understand the capitalistic state we live in, and help those that make plasters…? I realised this was excactly…can’t spell it sorry…spell check doesn’t even know what I’m on about….hope you do, or this is a little pointless….anyway…it was what I needed to hear. And at the end I confessed to Papa God I had held Him in contempt and I wanted to be sorry. And that I knew He was in charge and He would rescue me, and I would trust Him, now. I went back to my seat and my friend said, ‘THAT was maturity.’ And I just cried. And cried. And I told her I hurted …..not a word before….is now.

Weird thing, but reassuring thing was, a few people came up and commented on the psalm I read out. So ’twas definitely right…. So when I got home, I had to remind myself of this, which was hard, because I had hardened my heart and was not used to this. So today, I heard that the person I need to stop trying to take me out, has no intention of stopping. So I emailed my pastor and filled him in. He emailed back this eve and said it was a good thing. Cos we are moving forward to the end of the situation, now. But I had to stop being negative…yup, told him just how I’d felt…..so I told him I was trying. And reminded myself God was in charge. Which I had been doing all day, on and off. And crying. So tonight I had a shower. Normally I am scared of showers cos of Phyco……I know, but I’m not perfect. Didn’t even watch the scene and it still freaked me out! Just read about it, and this was over TWENTY years ago, and I’m still scared, although it was reinforced by a stupid episode of the Young Indiana Jones. I watched the Dracula one, and kept thinking, it will make sense in the end. Blood dripping down the walls, and at the end the woman…there’s ALWAYS a woman with old Jones…..said, ‘Something’s just don’t make sense!’ AHHH! Whaaaaat? Left like that? So me was freaked out. Also a disgusting chain letter that had gone round Facebook about a shower. Again silly or rather STUPID of me…..was going to say stupid me, but realised that’s a self curse, so the grammar is a bit screwed there…sorry…had thought it would have a happy ending…. it didn’t. And I messaged the person concerned and told them to remove it and reported it to Facebook. Who did jack shit cos they are thick and blind as two thick planks. Why do people say that? (Who had planks that are thick? What if it had been thin ones?…..) One day someone will sue them for emotional damage. Hope they get fucked right over.

But I damn well REFUSED to send that letter on. And so me still get a scary cat in the shower. Anyway. Digression ended. So I did what son 4 does and decided to take in my iPad and play some moosic. Yup I know it’s a wrong spelling..AND? I put on Jenn Johnson ‘Come to me’ mix and there I was under the shower, and I felt ok. The fear tried to come. But I imagined the shower like giliad, you know, the water that comes from Gods throne. I can’t spell it but you get my drift? Sorry if not. Just imagine…Gods throne, water of life pouring etc…. and the song did me. Cos it was a song about rain, bad rain, in a storm, and God being in the middle of it. And calling to me. So I cried. Then came on ‘No longer a slave to fear.’ That did too. And I curled up in the shower, imagining Gods head was the wall and I cried. Lots. I could feel the chair I was sat on, and it felt like He was holding me in the storm. THEN ‘I’m in over my head’ came on! Just as I’d turned the shower off! So I put it on again…water waste? Nope. Heaven sent I’d say. Cos that is EXACTLY where I am spiritually. I saw I had ASKED God to remove my fear. I had ASKED God to walk on the water with Him…NO, not literally water, I mean SPIRITUALLY…..and I was moaning cos that is exactly what He was doing. I realised He actually WANTS me. He wants a relationship with me, and He is really serious! WOW. God wants ME! Why? A question I can never answer. And I said to Him, don’t ever let me walk away again. I never want to lose You. Because without you I have nothing. And You are ALL that matters. And that is a choice I have made. One I will have to chose everyday. Until I KNOW God is for me. And if things go wrong now? Well, I will chose to trust He knows it all, and He will do what He said. He will rescue, resettle and rehome me, with bounty. And this waiting, and seeing things drag on, is somehow here to teach me. To wait. To be patient and to trust. And I will. Thank God He doesn’t give up on me. And thank Him that His mercies are new every morning. I so need His help to stop my heart getting hard. I find it so easy to hate and blame. What ever it takes God. What ever it takes. Do it. Amen.