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#having a creative rut feeling #gonna rant #im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well #and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that #like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw #but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it #i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh #idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make #and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame #but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset #im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay #bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know #I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content #multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame #but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't #vent ish

#gonna rant #dont mind me #just need a minute here #im just so tired of people dying #im tired of people being sick #im tired of things ending #im tired of feeling like theres always going to be something elsw #im tired of the way everytbing has been going #im just ready for all of this to stop #ive had enough and im tired #i never figured i would get this old and i dont like it #it wasnt supposed to last this long and idk what to do #like i have tasks and all that but like #big picture wise #i didnt think

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#gonna rant #this is what pisses me off most about politics #I love how people are using Syria to be like 'lol bet you wish you hadn't voted for Biden now huh?'#listen asshole #what was the alternative #voting for a guy who allowed millions to die from a virus by downplaying it?#someone who lies and cheats and abuses his power to get his own way?#someone who incited his fanatics to riot because he didn't win a stupid election?#yes this is by no means a good thing but you cannot make me regret my decision #if you think we can't survive now another 4 years under Trump would have all but guaranteed it #so shut the fuck up and sit down #/endrant

People worrying about me is sometimes as stressful as the rest but then I cant tell if im being unreasonable or weird. Mostly because people never had to worry about me I was the reliable one and now everyones constantly checking in on me

#gonna rant

*guttural scream* somebody love me

#gonna rant #in the tags #not really rant #but #jess rambles #there ok now good #uuuhhhhhh I'm a lonely fuck #and I need affection before I die #thank you thank you #mkay bubye #lol at the 4000 of you left #sorry this didn't turn out to be something you wanted to follow #anyway bye

Hmmmmmmm

#gonna rant #i got an evite to another bridal shower for my friend?#which is weird considering the bridal party sunk a lot into the one we did #i think people got upset that we kept the guest list so small so she didn't get overwhelmed #idk i feel weird abt it #you know what i feel WEIRDER about though???#my fuckingg. father.#it's weird to have a pretty liberal view of sex work but watch your DAD date a sex worker #idk he sees it as a novelty #and it's like. people don't wanns think about their parents having sex #also he sucks as a person #and keeps asking my sister why i don't talk to him #nevermind that i told him why i don't talk to him #sigh

Why go to bed early, when you can't bring yourself to wake up early anyway

#gonna rant #i am 💫staring at the ceiling💫#kind of hate this #was studying but then I got to the end of the part I decided I would do today so suddenly I couldn't bring myself to continue #even if I had the energy for it #but I couldn't bring myself to do any other activity as well #because I should have been studying or because everything felt too time or energy consuming I guess?#so obviously the best solution was to just stare in space trying to decide what to do #which led me to lying on my bed staring at the ceiling #why don't you just go to sleep then you might ask #what are you even suggesting? that I either get up before 7 or that I sleep more than 7 hours??#because I know that 7 hours seems to be the amount of sleep most likely to make me feel a little rested #(no more and no less. but it's summer so it's even harder to get up and I feel horribly when I do)#and because getting up before 7 feels so early and what am I gonna do with all that time??#(my productivity is at its worse in the morning and somehow I end up losing so much time with literally nothing)#i hate this #you know that post I made about wanting to shake myself by the shoulders #yeah #why the fuck do I have to find a problem in anything #and I get anxious if I get up after 8 because that as well feels like I'm wasting time #I'm not tired enough to fall asleep quickly and I can't bring myself to do anything and and-#plus my brother is also going to wake up early tomorrow cause he has some extra classes in school #so I'm gonna be slowed down in my waking up routine if we get up at the same time #i guess I'll try to sleep and be bothered that I'll take too much time #hopefully if I got to bed earlier and my alarms are set for earlier I'll manage to get up at just the right time #funny cause I am interrupting my wangxian queue with my ranting #IF I HAD JUST BOUGHT THE RIGHT PEARLS I COULD HAVE BEEN MAKING MY CHOKER BUT NOO #maybe it is truly just that that messed up my plans #vaneggiando #rereading the tags and they make no sense great 💀

#sigh #gonna rant #cause i saw something that set me off and I don't want to be set off #but your headcanon isn't everyone else's headcanon #I get it you identify with the character and project on to them #but you don't get to enforce your headcanon or preferences onto everyone else #blog tags if you need to #but you don't know why someone wrote a fic the way they did #they might be using it to cope because I know a lot of people who do #I gotta stop before I give away who I am talking about #also NO ONE OWES YOU CONTENT #This is directed at a lot of people #I once had someone tell me that I was writing their favorite character wrong and that they share a soul with them and that what I was #writing was offensive #no joke #Which I think some people who project onto a character #when you crit that character they feel like you are criticizing them

#gonna rant

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