#gracie thinks

[graciousfemme]

thinking about that time i briefly went out with a law student who told me she had a "kink for intelligent women", and i remember spending the rest of the date wondering what she meant by that until i ended up back at her place in her bed with her on top of me whispering in my ear "oh come on, smart girl..what happened to all those brains, huh?" and. umm yeah.i forget ehat my point was

[graciousfemme]

a genre of butches i dont think we talk enough about is subby service butches. like i love a butch who gets so lost in the feeling of touching me that their eyes go all unfocused and who takes my fingers into their mouth when i try to reach for their face to ground them. or a butch who moans like they're the one getting fucked at the sight of their fingers sinking into me. or even a butch who cant help but grind against me as they beg me to tell them how i want them to touch me all breathless in my ear because the only thing they need in that moment is to know that they're bringing me the absolute most pleasure possible. bonus points if they're a weird little awkward loser freak too.

[graciousfemme]

its late and im thinking about how the last butch i went out with looped her fingers through my belt loops so we wouldnt get separated in the crowd at a party again

[sneezefiction]

rewatched attack on titan for the millionth time and remembered how much it shaped me. which sounds cringe but??? i remember watching it at 11 and being so shocked by how gruesome the animation was and surprised that they actually showed characters dying with blood, guts, etc… on screen for everyone to see. the concept of a “mature” rated show hadn’t crossed my mind in terms of animation before — I didn’t think anime was capable of that kind of production.

i’d gotten so emotionally invested in it that it was most of what i thought about (along with a couple other shows) for almost an entire year. and, at the time, i didn’t see why i was so infatuated by it. but i realize now that what i loved were the themes of purpose, injustice, sacrifice, and death. that there was something so much bigger going on in this fictional world than i could comprehend.

when you’re 11, your world is tiny. and when you’re me and you’re 11 and you haven’t got but one friend… your world is very tiny, quiet, a bit lonely, and feels a bit meaningless. i’m sure i threw many pity parties lmao.

but yeah, those are such big topics to watch and hear about when you’re not even in your teens yet. so naturally, i dug into a lot of theories, stories, met people online with similar interests (thanks deviantart), in order to satiate my infatuation with it LOL.

AoT satisfied my need for community at the time. i discovered fanfiction (i can’t tell if that’s a good thing though), a love for creating and writing, and it also let me in on empathy. stepping into the shoes of another person, even of that person isn’t… real. hm.

but, essentially, i learned from fiction, if that makes sense.

in my current english courses, we talk a lot about rhetoric and what makes something meaningful/valuable. i mentioned how i like (and have always liked) to draw meaning from shows/songs/books/ideas that, on the surface, just look like entertainment.

i was met with a lot of agreement. i explained that much of what i watched and enjoyed as a kid was meaningful to me because i could picture myself there. i felt involved. i learned a little about belonging/community, about different forms of intelligence, about art, and making a difference, etc… when i couldn’t learn about it elsewhere. and because i didn’t have family to guide me much at all for several years, i utilized a lot of media to give myself (my time, life…) a little bit of importance and meaning.

it’s a bit sad to see myself back then looking for a community within a show. i could’ve really used some friends and guidance and maybe a few more years before i watched people dramatically lose limbs on TV. but it’s what i was working with and i think that’s okay. even if it involved naked giants and lots of death

anyway, just thought i’d put it out there. someone might relate 👍