#grief stuff

[princesscharlesofmonaco]

So, it’s eleven years today since my mom died. We had known she was dying for about fourteen months, although we didn’t know how long it would take. It’s a time in my life I mostly try to forget, though it’s inextricably bound up with wonderful things. And those are the last memories I have of my mom, which sucks.

Recently my bro-in-law digitized some old home video footage of a family reunion. It was the first time I’ve ever seen a video of my mom. She was breathtaking — about my age, but with two kids and about to start her first year of law school, beautiful, chatty and animated, making people laugh, as always. It’s a wonderful gift to see her like this, and also pretty destabilizing, for two reasons: (1) It reinforced how I will never get to ask her, as an adult, about parts of her adult life I wasn’t there for or didn’t understand as a child; (2) I didn’t really remember what her voice sounded like.

Memories become muddled over time, that’s just the nature of being a person. But I am trying my best not to let my memories of my mom go flat. She was brilliant and kind and funny and blunt and sometimes brutal. She had a deep well of righteous anger, and used it to better the lives of the people around her. She was a very distinctive person, with distinctive foibles. I loved her so much.

So, here are some distinctive facts about Pamela, relating to one of the interests we shared:

Movies she loved: The Philadelphia Story, A Room With A View, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless In Seattle, Notting Hill, What We Do In The Shadows, Death At A Funeral, What’s Up Doc, Pride and Prejudice 1995 (it counts), Sense And Sensibility (1995), El Secreto En Sus Ojos, The Secret Garden (1995), The Importance Of Being Earnest (2002), Little Women (1994), Shakespeare In Love, Cold Comfort Farm, Mississippi Masala, Enchanted, Sunshine Cleaning, Catch Me If You Can

Movies she thoroughly enjoyed but had at least one serious quibble with: You’ve Got Mail, Pride and Prejudice (2005), Love Actually, Much Ado About Nothing (1993), The Pelican Brief, Inception, A Little Princess (1995), Serendipity

Movies she disliked for various reasons, to varying degrees: Gravity, Valentine’s Day, I Am Legend, The Hannah Montana Movie, Harold and Maude, Leap Year, 27 Dresses, I Love You Man, The Proposal, The Phantom Menace

[hithisrmyimaginesaccount]

losing someone to death really shakes everything up like what do you mean they’re not here anymore? where could they have possibly gone? i can’t even say hello or i love you again and hear them say it back? fuck that. i can never catch a glimpse of them again? not even once? not even in another, say 10 years? what is this place they’re all in? why is the curfew so strict? why can’t i see them again? at least once? don’t trees die every winter but they come back in the spring. why is this bias only for humans?

i want to see my human again. at least for another minute, so i can tell them i love them and i am a fucking mess. i want to see my human again.

[shallowseeker]

Oh, nooo.... Jody leaving the body of her husband...

5x15 Dead Mean Don't Wear Plaid

Oh, boss.... we got another one.

It is nooooo wonder that Dean was a little more comfortable w/Jodes in 13x03 Patience (via @spnscripthunt)

///

[justagirl198310]

I keep saying things like “I wish she could see this.” And people respond with things like “she does, in her own way” or “she’s watching from above.”

But that’s not what I mean.

I don’t picture her somewhere looking down at us or keeping up with everything we’re doing. She was tired. She fought hard and she was ready. I think she stayed just long enough to know we’d be okay, and then she finally went to rest.

And I’m glad for that. She deserves to rest and renew.

When I say “she should be here,” it’s not about her. It’s about me.

It’s about the fact that I still need her here. Not in some spiritual way. Not in a “she’s still with you” way. I mean here. Physically. In the room. In the moment. And these big moments make that really obvious. They’re the kind of moments you’re supposed to have your mom for. The kind where you look over without thinking and expect her to be there.

So when I say “I wish she could see this,” what I really mean is…

I wish you were here with me. Because I still need you.

[buttercupandwestley]

Grief is crazy because even now years later I'll see a woman in the grocery store who wears her brown hair with a claw clip and my brain will automatically register it as Mom until I take a second to think, and then she turns around and suddenly I'm crying in the store.

Or I'll hear a car door outside and think 'oh Mom's here'. Or I'll run into someone who wears the same sweet pea perfume, or hear a song she liked on the radio, or hear an update about a TV show she liked and be like 'oh I need to tell her' and I have no idea if that feeling ever goes away. Or the doctor asks me for an emergency contact and I almost give them Mom's number on instinct before I remember that someone else owns that number now, it's not hers anymore. (I found that out the hard way one night)

A lot of times when something big happens in my life I still have the immediate gut instinct to call Mom about it and then I get really distraught when I remember I can't.

[rat-spit-village]

I have a very intense people-facing job and I have a couple of incredibly high-stakes days ahead so let’s all hope I don’t burst into tears on the clock bc it will haunt me for a long time if I do

[tragediegh]

fitting that on this, the first anniversary of my beloved cat's death, I am plagued with a stomach ache so severe that I can barely move

[bikingdon]

went to london all by myself today. rode the tube alone. walked the streets to the us embassy and got myself a visa approved. took myself for brunch afterwards. and the one person i wanted to call about all of this is my mam. and i watched all the parents waiting for their kids coming out of the embassy and running up to them hugging them and buying them breakfast and i just. it’s just a reminder i’m not going to have that again, you know? and it just kinda hurts. anyways, i thought i’d tell the little people in my phone that i did it, i was terrified and i did it anyways 💗