#gwendolyneidolon

[thedigitaliscollective]

It was so important for me to have you in my life, but you did whatever you could not to be there.

[thedigitaliscollective]

I wrote a thing..

I can’t hear the noise

The room is

Empty

But for your whispers

Never had a choice

My heart is violated

But for my whimpers

And i just don’t know

Can’t throw that same shade

We cut the corners

But my knife is dull

Due to sharp veins

Whisper to me

A discordant melody

Whisper a thought choked

Dil-em-ma

Re-mem-ber

That if not for this suffering

I might still be....

Happy

[thedigitaliscollective]

Article by Carol B on parenting children with dissociative identity disorder whilst having it herself

This is beautifully written. Damn, did ya know that trauma changes something about ya DNA? that DID, anxiety, PTSD has more of a chance to develop in ya kids cause of that and environmental factors? We just learned our kid has it too afta their protector fronted today after like a whole week of dissociation first. At least they have help unlike we had, right?     -G 

[thedigitaliscollective]

Harrowing,

But what are you winning?

You can’t look me in the eye

Since you unfolded this paper girl

You said i was the one, i was your world

Interesting

But what are you winning?

My wife can’t look me in the eye

Because you made offensive the defensive

Tested War torn trenches

We are negative on progress

Because you stuck a wrench in

Unbelievable

But what are you winning?

It appears im a fallen woman but

I’m taking you with me

I’m going to scratch the insides of this ride

Dog ear every book

you’ve ever put your faith in

That’s a base win

And I’m scoring big

Just not letting you get in

Into my head, back into my bed

I will toss the spoilt sheets in the wash

And then I will dry

The tears that you cried when you learned i had won

Stolen the sun

Cracked the fucking magnifying glass in the name of the bug

[thedigitaliscollective]

TRIGGER WARNING

Fritz, the lead of our sister system The Down Below, has been a real pain lately. He’s kinda an asshole and he’s trying to seize total control of both systems.

The Down Below (TDB) was discovered, relocated, and officially estashed last year (2017, for future referece) and that is a long story for another time, but suffice it to say there have been a lot of growing pains. They are a back up system meant to take over during extreme situations or unbearable circumstances. They are very extreme in nature, all of them with varying levels of darkness at their core. Fritz, in addition to being the self-termed “King of The Down Below”, is also a cult leader; Many of the alters down there are his devoted “Children”.

These are the ones he uses for important jobs and roles within the system. They are programmed (Did i mention he loves brainwashing people?) to not only love and obey him, but also with varying useful abilities needed in the most dire circumstances. They are incredibly effecient and can handle anything, but I for obvious reasons have moral objections to these practices. However, it is his system and I am unable to really press the issue at this moment.

Ideally, Fritz and I should be able to work together as equal partners. We need to have peaceful relations and be able to switch between systems easily. I should be able to trust them to help us whenever needed, and i shouldnt have to worry about losing control of my system or our place as the main system. But i do. Because Fritz is a dick. I really dont know how i ended up falling for him...

He really is that awful. The other day he made a Faustian bargain to instigate a fight, resulting in me being overloaded by all the stressful shit going on outside of the body. In a moment of panic and pain I declared I was handing over control to him for the next day. He did wonderful leading us for the entire day. We had a bit of a problem around midday, but it was quickly resolved. We were all really surprised, and it eased some of my fears about handing the body over to TDB. And then I find out that he not only put me, my host, and my girl all over the edge and nearly ended a marriage with his manipulations to force me to hand over the system. He also sent one of his followers to kidnap a member of my system to ensure that he wouldnt get in the way or oppose his rule.

Suffice it to say the last few days have been heaped extra high with the bullshit, but we have come to a truce. As wrong as everything Fritz did was, I wasn’t allowing them to do their job and grow into their role as our sister system and not allowing them control of our shared body wasnt great. It really hurt them and made Fritz feel really desperate. So i agreed to, for now, cede control to them on weekends so that they can work on themselves as a system and we can build more trust between us. Im still really nervous, and I know what hes about, but he really did do well that day and i could seriously use the help.

[thedigitaliscollective]

So, We are a poly-fragmented system. That means more than 100 alters. I say that because I don’t know how large my sister system numbers. Both of my systems have a lead, this is not how every system out there functions but ours has a heirarchy. Here both systems have a lead, a right hand, a few protectors a host, etc.

I am the lead of The Digitalis Collective, Fritz is the lead of the Down Below. He is trouble, lol. He ain’t above making back room deals and strange faerie bargins to get what he wants.

I’m going to write more but it’s going to be trigger warning tagged to be sensitive to those out there who it could bother. Ghost out!

[thedigitaliscollective]

I feel bad for Trystan. K talks about normal moments in the winter time getting warm with her brother after playing in the snow. I don’t remember us playing in the snow. I remember it being too cold, especially for me. I remember us doing spells for more snow to come so we wouldn’t have to go to school. Our previous host was treated terribly at school. Our previous host I believe was my mother, she lived in a world all her own then. I actually remember when we switched hosts, we were in middle school, we were slapped dead in the face by another student, the job change was seamless and we were so invisible no one noticed the behavioral changes.

Back to my point. We don’t remember playing in the snow, or at least I don’t remember right now while I’m fronting. I still don’t know if half of it happened or if i stand before you an example of what it truly means to be crazy. I want to remember, I want to have warmed up after. Smiling warming up in the fumes of my two-packet hot coca, triumphant that i was warm and safe. None of us had that life, that’s the reality.

[thedigitaliscollective]

Trigger: a dyptic

My brain is wired tight

Each string remisent

Of an older feeling

I am only female

Because I remember the tight pain between my legs

The day winner took all

You trigger

I shut

Tight, my stings

Get whaled on

Like hendrix and a new les paul

I die a little bit more

But

I also cry and scream

I let him see

How much it first hurt me

When tuned strings got plucked

Like the same exact ones he’s

Holding

2nd in series

My brain is wired tight

Sealed tomb

Worrisome old

We are tattered fragments

Of the here and now

Brand new patterns of the back then

I am mausoleum to old

Ghosts

Gentle phantoms of desensitized

Factors

Wheres hope?

You tug my strings

All it leads is back here

To me