My OCD has gotten so bad that I'm terrified I'm evil for wanting more than anything to be a mother (only reason my spouse and I aren't going to have a kid yet I'd because of finances plus we both wanna get further in therapy first). I want to be a mom I want to be a mom so badly, but I'm also a paraphile, a necrophile which literally has nothing to do with kids but a part of me is terrified of the idea that me supporting paraphiles means I cant ever have a child. I have POCD and it's made being an aunt to my amazing nephews miserable. I keep getting scared somehow some way I'm going to irreparably traumatize or abuse them against my own will. And I think some of this is internalized transmisogyny too. Maybe even internalized paramisia as I also still struggle with bias towards specifically MAPs who wish to be parents even though logically I know that by and large that won't cause issues.
I also while writing this wanted to mention something that I think is important to discuss which is the idea that POCD shouldn't be considered "pedophile" OCD but rather should be understood as Predator OCD because the main fears and intrusive thoughts are about predation not about the fact you may have an orientation towards children. I'm sure some people do the same way some people have OCD about wether or not theyre gay but most others I've seen with POCD, similar to me, have thoughts about becoming an offender or children being abused in identical ways they were as a kid.
I want to do everything to be a good aunt and eventually a good mom and protect my family. The little ones mean so much to me and I hate that I can't always be properly there for them without getting terrified I'll magically hurt them. It's probably something I'll have to get over in order to be a mom.
I wish there were more discussions online about plans to have children eventually while struggling with various issues and also how not to demonize yourself for being a paraphile who wants a family.
This is internalized paramisia and transmisogyny.
I assure you, you're not a danger to children around you. You're not going to magically harm them. Your thoughts are not reflective of the way you treat them. You are a good person, a good aunt, and will be a wonderful mother. There is nothing wrong with you.
Whether you have POCD or are an actual pedophile, it doesn't matter, because neither of those things would make you a predator, nor would they make you somehow traumatize your family in an unexplained way. You're not a predator, and since you strictly plan to never become one, that means you never will be one. You have control of your life. You are a safe person.
