#halfcrazedauthor

[halfcrazedauthor]

Woman

I must be strong, yet fragile.

Smart, yet pliable.

Tough, yet beautiful.

Pure, yet sexy.

Intelligent, yet inferior.

Working hard, harder, hardest

But only getting some credit                                                                          

Always watching

For people to take advantage.

Either prude or slut.

Either doormat or bitch.

Either eye candy or needs to care more.

 I know I don’t make sense,

but how do expectations of me

make sense to you?

[halfcrazedauthor]

Will I live on?

Sometimes (often) I wonder

Is

This

It?

Am I bound to this mortal plain

For this alone?

Does this life

Have

Meaning?

Will I change

Anything?

Will anyone remember

Me

When I too

Push up daisies?

Will my words

Live on

Or will they

Die

Next to my body

Incased in pine

Six feet under.

[halfcrazedauthor]

Dreams of You

I woke up drenched in thoughts of you 

sticky, viscous thoughts 

dripping 

holding tight to my heart 

my mind 

refusing to come off- 

in spite of my scrubbing and peeling 

I can’t escape my dreams 

my hopes 

my desires 

when I wake up from a place 

where they all come true 

[halfcrazedauthor]

In Another’s Shoes

When I walk down the street

I wonder:

               are you having a good day?

               do you like your job?

               is your family nice?

               are you happy?

               what struggles do you face?

               do you wonder what my life is like?

And I wonder:

               Why is it so hard for some

               to walk in another’s shoes

               when that’s what I do

               for fun?

[halfcrazedauthor]

Why I Can't be Asexual

Why I can't be ace. Because asexuals are plants. Because asexual is for cells and robots. Because asexual is a choice- aka celibacy. Because asexual people are broken. Because asexual people are confused. Because asexual people are "late bloomers". Because asexual people "don't know what they want". Because "everyone wants sex". Because "everybody experiences sexual attraction". Because I've only been kissed once. Because I sometimes want sex Because my brother doesn't believe it exists. Because people think I haven't experienced life. Because I'm scared about my family's reactions. Because demisexual is "just how it's supposed to work". Because asexual is wrong. Why I am ace. Because I am different. Because marketing makes me uncomfortable with naked people. Because I don't think people are sexually attractive Because I don't see the appeal of bare chests in movies Because I feel uncomfortable talking about sex Because I cringe when I imagine people I know having sex Because I like not having that pressure to be sexual Because I don't like being a sexual being Because I don't see phallic symbols everywhere Because screw society and it's expectations of me Because I don't choose to be this way Because it is who I am Because I am asexual.

[halfcrazedauthor]

Friend

You know that thing? 

 Where we are friends? 

 I think I forgot to mention- it still surprises me. 

 You actually like me,

 choose to spend time with me, 

 want to be around me. 

 (at least it seems like it) 

 How is that even possible? 

 How does friendship work? 

 I know I try- sometimes too much- to be friends. 

(I bet you don’t know this, that I often shape my thoughts, my behaviors, around you) 

 Not because I need support, 

(although I do)

or because I am an eternal clinger, 

 (I promise I have other friends too) 

 but because I care. 

 I care so much about you- 

your comfort, your happiness, your self-worth. 

 My life is often molded around others. 

 And a lot of the time, my friends are at my center.

( @bigballofwibblywobbly @je-suis--log-lady @angelofthesuicidaldead @pretendingtowriteit)

[halfcrazedauthor]

Stuck

I am stuck in my own head. I cant get out. I don’t know if im creating the anxiety Or just noticing it. Because what if I make myself anxious By thinking I am? What if im broken because I want attention Or support Or affirmation Not because my brain forces itself on me Where is the truth? Where am I? What am I supposed to do?

[halfcrazedauthor]

Not Perfect

Sometimes it sucks to be me. Not because my life is bad, Not because I am oppressed, Not because I don't fit cultural norms, But because I do. The way I am fits the way things were. Naturally. I'm Christian and ace, so I'm that perfect pastors kid. I'm kind and happy and compassionate, so I'm that stellar person. I'm smart and think hard, so I'm a good college student. I'm empathetic, so I understand a lot more than most. I'm responsible and guided, so the perfect example of my generation. I am such a good person, good citizen, good addition to society. And yet. The things I believe in, The things I support, They go against norms. The way I want to be. But to be who I am? I fit so many rules. It's annoying. I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to fit your rules. Just because I conform to your boundaries doesn't make me want others to follow. I want to be judged on my own worth. Not the natural instincts That place me so close To this norm.