Part 1 of 2: Pagtingin (Feelings) [Steve Harrington x Reader]
a/n: let's pretend this hasn't been sitting in my completed list since ferbruary. it was initially a 3-parter, but i decided the 3rd one to be part of the sequel.
guess who's the dumdum who doesn't have a title for it? i'm using the Ben&Ben song I listened to while writing this chapter. it was either this or "baka sakali (Maybe, just in case)".
it also annoyed me because "pagtingin" means "look; gaze" but in its context it means "(hidden) feelings," so it's neither wrong or right. language, ammarite?
summary: based on this blurb on a hanahaki au/flayed!reader
word count: 2.1k (brace yourself because the next chapter is almost 5 times long. yep. you heard me.)
warning: steve is an oblivious himbo; unrequited feelings / pining; minor violence; implied underage drinking (it's season 2, ykyk?); stranger things season 2 canon
You had a crush on Steve “The Hair” Harrington. Then again, who didn’t have a crush on King Steve?
Growing up with Steve, albeit shy of two years from the senior, had you following him around like a puppy. You watched him jump from one girl to the next before he surprisingly settled with Nancy Wheeler last year. “She’s different,” he had said before asking you for help on how to woo her.
Stop flirting with other girls around her. Actually listen to her and try to be interested in what she says. Get to know her instead of treating her like another girl. Surprisingly, he listened to your advice – everything you wished he would do for you – and got the girl.
Steve always got the girl.
However, something strange happened when Nancy’s best friend, Barbara, went missing, not much later since Will Byers as well. With your overprotective parents dropping a curfew on you, you barely hung out with Steve anymore. You knew nothing good will happen when you left him too long with Tommy and Carol, and you were right.
Much to your surprise again, Steve and Nancy lasted until his senior year. You couldn’t argue that being with her made Steve want to better himself. You even got to know Nancy for a bit, and for someone quite reserved, you actually liked her.
“Haven’t you ever considered dating?” she had asked you once.
You hummed for a bit, pondering on your answer. “Steve knows most of the nitty gritty on the guys on Hawkins High,” you explained. “He scares the bad ones away, and the ones that are decent are too intimidated with him being my friend since forever.”
“You never thought of dating Steve?”
You laughed lightly. You had a crush on Steve, but you didn’t like him enough to act out on it. “What an odd question from his own girlfriend,” you pointed out, and interestingly enough, it made her uncomfortable. You guessed a lot of Steve’s exes were also pretty intimidated by your friendship with Steve.
“Nope,” you lied smoothly. “Steve never asked me, and we never had the conversation on crossing that line in our friendship.” Still, the pinched look on Nancy’s face remained, and you began to wonder if it was more than just jealousy… or if she was hiding something else.
That inkling you had took form in Jonathan Byers half-carrying a wasted Nancy during a Halloween party. You asked around for Steve only to find out that he also ditched you. You aggressively poured yourself a glass of spiked punch before catching yourself, pouring the contents back in the bowl.
“Smart move.”
You didn’t need Steve to tell you that Billy Hargrove was bad news.
“Harrington ditched you, pretty girl?”
“What do you think?” you shot back. You walked out of the kitchen to find a house phone, only to find a couple making out right against it. “Seriously?”
Billy snickered right next to you.
“You’re still here,” you sighed in exasperation to show your annoyance. “Why?” You narrowed your eyes at the blonde.
“Oh, please, no need to be short with me, pretty girl,” Billy said, flashing you what he probably thought was his charming smile. “Harrington isn’t here for you to be his loyal lapdog.”
“What are you talking about?”
Billy stepped closer to you, and you were overwhelmed by the smell of beer and cigarettes from his person. “From what I saw earlier, Wheeler and Harrington seem to be over,” he whispered in your ear, “so you might actually have a chance this time.”
Rage quickly filled your veins, and you shoved his bare chest, pushing him away from you. Your reaction only amused Billy further. “You don’t know anything about me,” you spat out.
“As a matter of fact, I know everything just by looking at you,” Billy retorted, giving you a once-over. “I don’t often help out girls like you, but you’re just pitiful. Pathetic even.” He continued, “Guys like Steve don’t stay single for long. Takes one to know one, pretty girl. Best make your move soon.”
You hated how you knew Billy was right. Nancy clearly had feelings for Jonathan, and it wouldn’t be long before Steve would be looking for a rebound. Maybe if… maybe if he could see how you and him worked so well over the years, Steve might also see you as someone worth long-term. Even longer than Nancy.
For the next two days, you muddled over how you would tell Steve how you really feel. You settled for simplicity. Just give it to him honest and straightforward. With a motivated resolution, you drove to his house and caught Steve just in time as he was leaving his house.
“Oh, perfect timing,” Steve smiled, pulling his keys out. “Come with me. I need your help picking out something. I’m driving.”
Ten minutes later, you and the florist locked eyes, seeming to have an understanding with each other, while Steve fawned over the bouquet that you chose for Nancy.
There’s just something fucked up over choosing a bouquet you want for your crush to give as a reconciliation gift for his ex.
Mysteriously enough, Nancy wasn’t at her house, but Dustin Henderson, a friend of her younger brother’s, was. You observed how the boy dragged Steve over to the car, where you were waiting, and talked about “a baseball bat with nails.” Steve succumbed to Dustin’s demands and opened the trunk of his car.
“Why the hell do you have a baseball bat mace, Harrington?”
Dustin directed his attention to you. “Are you good with pets?” he asked randomly.
“I used to have a cat and a dog?”
“Perfect. You can come with us.”
For the next three hours, you and Steve followed the boy in his storm cellar, finding a tunnel dug by an animal too big to be a dog. Dustin explained to you about a monster he cared for as a baby, until it ate his cat. Now, he made plans that you and Steve would come back the next day to find it before it was fully grown.
By that point, you simply indulged Dustin and his games. It was all just bad unskippable side quests on your way to confess to Steve. … right?
When morning came, Steve picked you up, telling you that Dustin called him to buy meat to bait his rogue monster pet. Again, you indulged them and came along. If Steve was losing his sanity over his breakup, so were you by still trying to confess in these conditions.
“Why are you still friends with me?” Steve asked all of a sudden, his eyes were focused on the road to the way to Dustin’s house. “I’m no longer popular. My girlfriend broke up with me. I’m currently hanging out with my ex’s brother’s friend finding a cat-eating monster.”
Tell him. It’s the right time. But what if it’s not? Of course, it is. What if he’ll think I’m only taking advantage of his situation? What if he’ll think I’m only friends with him for that reason?
“Don’t be full of yourself, Steve,” you snorted, picking at your chipped nail polish. “I’ve known you since you were a loser. It isn’t so different now.”
“You’re such an ass.”
Your heart mellowed at the sight of Steve’s soft smile. Maybe I don’t have to tell him. These quiet genuine moments didn’t have to change. You loved it as it was.
~~
“You kept something you knew was probably dangerous in order to impress a girl who... who you just met?”
“You have to admit, Steve, that’s pretty metal,” you commented, bumping Steve’s shoulder.
“What does that even mean?” Steve asked while still tossing pieces of chopped meat along the abandoned train tracks.
“It means it’s an awesome gesture,” you said, patting Dustin on the back. The boy smiled at you, preening from your support. From the past hour, you held a soft spot for Dustin who lacked in confidence but still put himself out there for a crush.
He’s younger but definitely had more guts than you.
“I just feel like you’re trying too hard,” Steve admitted.
“Hey,” you elbowed your friend in the side in warning.
“Well, not everyone can have your perfect hair, all right?” Dustin said quite glumly.
“The key with girls is just…” Steve trailed off, while you cut in, “Oh, I’d love to hear this.” He continued, “… just acting like you don’t care.”
And you burst laughing. You laughed for a good minute with tears leaking from the corner of your eyes. “Oh, for goodness’ sakes,” you said, “stop giving the boy bad relationship advice, Steven.”
“Are you telling me you never chased after a boy who didn’t show that much interest?” Steve asked, but just as he shot the question, he immediately followed with, “Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”
“I wanna know,” Dustin piped in.
“Just one boy,” you whispered in the boy’s ear but still loud enough for Steve to hear. “It doesn’t matter because he doesn’t like me that way.” Before anyone could catch your hidden meaning, you added, “Besides, I only go for guys who genuinely adore me.”
“As they should!” Steve exclaimed, pointing a finger at you. “Remember what I told you: Never take less than what you deserve.”
“As I was saying,” you emphasized, pointedly looking at Steve for interrupting, then crouching to meet Dustin’s eyes, “just be true with your feelings and yourself, and the right girl will come around for you.”
“I mean, that works too,” Steve mumbled. “Some girls are just special.”
“Like Nancy?”
… and that was your cue to walk ahead of them. You should’ve known that a wholesome moment wouldn’t last. Unfortunately, it would only go downhill from there.
In the next few hours, you were being chased by reptilian dogs, rendezvoused with Chief Hopper and the Byers, and met a punk kid who had mind powers. If you weren’t constantly fighting to stay alive, you would’ve demanded context from Steve. And now, you were in a tunnel under a pumpkin patch farm that led to an evil alternate dimension.
Some side quest for romance.
Steve led the group while with you last in case something snuck from behind. You were all careful not to breathe too hard, and you made sure to avoid touching anything on the walls, keeping eye on the kids as well. Doing so proved more difficult the further you went down the tunnel looking for what Mike called “the hub.” The vines and plant bulbs for some reason looked aware of your presence in the tunnels. In fact…
“Dustin, watch out!”
You shoved him to the side only to be sprayed with spores from the flower bulbs. Coughs and wheezes broke uncontrollably from your mouth as you tried to expel what seeped through your kerchief mask. You just hoped that you managed to get most out when you did.
After the little mishap with the flower, your group – much more carefully this time – finally succeeded in setting fire to the tunnels. You ignored the burning in your lungs when it did, especially when you ran back for Mike who got caught by one of the vines as its last resort. Running on instinct, you snatched Steve’s bat and rushed over to the boy.
“Grab him!” you barked at anyone. You stomped the offending vine with the heel of your boot and swung over and over. You screamed and cried out, not knowing whether it was out of aggression or from the burning in your lungs, until Mike was freed and the rest of the vines retreated back to God knows where.
Steve stared at you in awe and slowly approached you, retrieving back his bat but keeping his other hand locked with yours. “That was awesome,” he chuckled, squeezing your entwined fingers.
Unfortunately, the moment didn’t last because a pack of demodogs came barrelling down the tunnels in pursuit of us. Interestingly enough, one of them still managed to listen to Dustin – D’Art. So, he was real... Their reunion and goodbye were enough time to escape to the opening of the tunnel.
Steve climbed out into the farm first, and you began hoisting them up, saving yourself last. You barely managed to get Dustin out, who was putting up a fight to see D’Art until his last moments. Then the strangest thing happened…
The demodogs just stared at you.
It remained that way until they dropped dead, signalling the gate finally being shut.
You were frozen and was only pulled out of your stupor when Steve hoisted you out himself.
The way those monsters clicked and growled at you felt familiar. As if they knew you. Yet you didn’t have to worry about it anymore.
Synopsis: you contract HanaHaki disease, a disease that makes you cough up flowers when your love is unrequited, and have to stay away from Peter but you can’t tell him why
Masterlist
“All right team. I needed this mission done quickly and effectively, which is why I didn’t ask any of the men to help out. So complete your tasks, get back to the jet, and try not to die. Thanks ladies.” Tony told you all before getting off the jet. The mission was simple. There was a small town on the edge of the state that had reports of babies being born with genetic mutations. You just needed to collect some samples from a Forrest to see if the nearby company was polluting the water with chemicals, Bruce’s running theory on why the mutations were occurring. You got off the jet and felt your phone buzz in the pocket of your suit. You pulled it out and saw a text from Peter. You smiled and texted him back as everyone spread out to complete their tasks.
“Stop texting your boyfriend and focus on the mission.” Kate said as she slung her arm around your shoulders.
“He’s not my boyfriend.” You rolled your eyes and felt an embarrassed blush heat up your face.
“Uh huh.” Kate said sarcastically as she left your side to complete her task. Once you completed your part of the mission, you looked around the field and noticed a pink tree near where Wanda was standing.
“Cherry blossoms.” You smiled and went over to the tree. You gently touched the branches and inhaled the scent.
“I just noticed it too.” Wanda told you. “I’ve never seen one in full bloom. It’s beautiful.”
“I know. I always used to wear this scent from Bath and Body Works called Japanese Cherry Blossoms. I love the way they smell.” You told the girls before going to sniff the plant again.
“I was also more of a Warm Vanilla Sugar kinda girl.” Wanda shrugged.
“A Thousand Wishes.” Nat chimed in.
“I love that one.” Wanda gushed. “And Champagne Toast.”
“This is Sweet Pea erasure.” Kate mumbled.
“Hey, I loved that one.” You assured Kate, making her smile. “But Japanese Cherry Blossom will always be superior to me. Seriously guys, this flower smells amazing.”
“There is some intense sniffage going on over there.” Kate laughed when she noticed how deep you had your nose in the flower.
“I’ve never smelt a flower this sweet. It’s like magic or something.” You said as you took another deep inhale.
“Damn. Get a room.” Nat teased you.
“Good thing Peter isn’t here to see this.” Wanda clicked her tongue. “I think he’d be jealous.”
You got a strange feeling in your stomach at the mention of Peter. You put your hand on your stomach and felt a wave of nausea hit you. You backed away from the plant and the feeling slowly went away.
“All right. I think we’re all done here. Let’s head back to the jet.” Nat said and you all followed her. Tony and Bruce were getting back at the same time you did and you all boarded the jet together. As soon as you sat in your seat, you pulled out your phone to text Peter. You told him how the mission went and waited for his response.
“I’m glad you’re okay. I’ll see you when you get back :)” His message read. You felt a wave of nausea hit your again as a strange feeling filled your chest.
“You okay over there, kiddo?” Tony asked when he noticed the look on your face.
“I don’t feel so good.” You gulped. You grabbed a nearby trash can and threw up into it. You looked in the bucket when you were done and felt your heart stop. Everyone noticed the ghastly look on your face and exchanged worried looks.
“What?” Tony asked you. You felt scared tears come to your eyes and slowly passed the bucket to Tony. He looked inside and got the same stunned expression on his face.
“Banner, can you come take a look at this?” Tony asked in a falsely calm voice. Bruce got up and looked in the bucket.
“Is that what I think it is?” Bruce asked.
“Are those…” Tony trailed off and examined the bucket again.
“What? What is it?” Natasha wondered.
“Flowers.” Tony said and showed the contents of the bucket to the group. You watched everyone’s expressions go from confused to shocked as Tony showed them what was inside.
“Cherry Blossoms, it looks like.” Bruce said.
“No. There’s no way that just came out of me. They must’ve been in the trash already.” You insisted.
“Yeah, maybe.” Tony weakly agreed. “Did anyone here throw out cherry blossoms?”
Everyone shook their heads and you felt yourself panic even more.
“They must be old then.” You shrugged. “From the last mission or something.”
Bruce looked into the bucket again and gave Tony a knowing look.
“What?” You asked. “What is it?”
“These look like fresh cut flowers to me.” Bruce said quietly, debunking your theory.
“They can’t be.” You laughed nervously and took the bucket back.
“They are.” Bruce said weakly.
“No. I did not just throw up flowers.” You insisted. “I didn’t even eat flowers!”
“They don’t look regurgitated. It looks like they came right out a garden.” Bruce observed. Your phone buzzed in your pocket and you pulled it out to find a text from Peter.
“I heated up some food for you for when you get back :)”
You read the text a few times as the feeling returned to your chest. It felt like something was blooming inside you and rising up your throat. You hunched over as pink and red flowers came out of your mouth. Everyone stared at you in stunned silence as you threw up flowers right before their eyes.
“Okay that time I definitely threw up flowers.” You said once you were done. You wiped your mouth but there was nothing to wipe away.
“What could possibly be causing this?” Wanda asked as she stared at the flowers on the ground.
“I’m not sure. I have a theory but I’ll have to run some tests when we get back to the tower.” Bruce told you.
“Are you in pain?” Kate asked as she came to your side and wrapped her arms around you.
“No. I just feel weird. I feels like butterflies in my stomach before it happens.”
“Did you do anything weird on the mission that could’ve caused this?” Tony asked you.
“Like what?” You wondered.
“Like eat a shit ton of petals.” Kate mumbled.
“No. Not that I can recall.”
“You were sniffing that cherry blossom tree pretty hard.” Nat recalled.
“Would that have caused this?” You asked. “I always go balls deep in flower arrangements.”
“I can’t say for certain yet. I’ll run some labs on you when we get back. Just to be sure.” Bruce assured you.
“Okay.” You gulped and sat back down. You were going to text Peter about what was happening but decided it would be better to tell him in person.
“we land in 10 mins” You texted him.
“ok. I can’t wait to see you :)” He wrote back.
“It’s happening again.” You realized as the feeling returned. Kate held your hair back as the petals spewed out of your mouth. Everyone watched sympathetically as the flowers came out of you, no one knowing what to do or say.
Once you landed, you could see Peter waiting for you near the landing pad. He waved excitedly as you descended from the plane and ran to you once you were on the ground again. He immediately pulled you into a hug after not seeing you for the three days it took to complete the mission. You hugged him back and let his arms comfort you. The feeling returned to your chest suddenly and you pulled away from him.
“How was it?” Peter signed with a smile on his face.
“It was okay. I think I caught a bug though.” You signed back.
“Are you okay? Do you feel sick?” Peter signed before touching the back of his hand to your forehead. You felt the feeling come back and stepped away from Peter before you could cough up any more petals. Peter looked a little hurt and confused as Bruce came to your side.
“We should figure this out sooner than later.” Bruce said and nodded towards the tower. Peter struggled to read his lips and looked to you for help.
“Dr. Banner wants to run some tests to see what’s wrong with me. I’ll see you after.” You signed before walking away with Bruce. Peter caught you by the wrist and pulled you back towards him.
“What’s happening?” He signed with a face full of concern.
“I’m not sure yet.” You told him. “Dr. Banner is gonna find out.”
“Can I come with you?” Peter asked. You felt the feeling return and turned your head as you coughed up a few petals. Luckily it was dark so Peter didn’t see the petals come out of you.
“I think it’s better if he stays outside.” Bruce told you and Peter struggled it read his lips again.
“It’s okay. I’ll be okay.” You signed to Peter with a sympathetic smile. Peter looked hurt again but nodded his head.
Soon enough, you were sitting on an exam table as Bruce ran labs on you. Peter was waiting outside the door and looking at you through the window. Kate had stayed with you and was holding your hand as Bruce read through your chart.
“Nat said you were sniffing a cherry blossom tree?” Bruce asked you.
“Yeah, I was. But it’s not like any petals went up my nose.”
“No.” Bruce shook his head. “But maybe a seed did.”
“A seed?”
“I think you may have contracted HanaHaki disease.” Bruce told you.
“Hana-what disease?” You frowned.
“HanaHaki. It’s a rare disease that I wasn’t even sure really existed until now. It comes from the Japanese words “hana” which means "flower", and “hakimasu” which means "to throw up". Essentially, it’s a disease where people cough up flowers or petals when they’re….”
“When they’re what?” You asked when Bruce trailed off.
“When they’re suffering from unrequited love.” Bruce told you, making that feeling return to your chest.
“Oh.” Kate said as her eyes flicked over to Peter.
“What? What do you mean “oh”? I am not suffering from one sided love.” You laughed weakly.
“Right.” Bruce said flatly. “But for arguments sake, let’s say you were. Because you are. And that’s why you’re spewing flowers every few minutes.”
Before you could answer, you heard a knock at the door. You looked over and saw Peter nervously looking through the window. You got the feeling again and clutched your stomach.
“Oh no. She’s gonna blow.” Kate said and held your hair back. She stepped in front of you to shield you from Peters view as you threw up more flowers.
“Thanks.” You sighed when you were done. Bruce looked at the flowers in the bucket before looking at you again.
“If I was suffering from one sided love, not saying I am, but if I was, how would we fix this?” You asked him.
“Well the disease is caused by flowers blooming in your heart and lungs. You cough them up when you’re reminding of your suffering. From what I’ve read, you can get the flower surgically removed to cure the disease.”
“Really? It’s that simple?” Kate asked hopefully.
“Yes. But removing the flower will cause your feelings for the person to disappear. You will never be able to love them again.” Bruce said, making your heart sink.
“That’s fine, right?” Kate asked you.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I want that.”
“There are some other side effects to consider.” Bruce continued. “The surgery could potentially take away your ability to love anyone ever again or take away your memories of the person you love.”
“What happens if I don’t get the surgery?” You asked him.
“The flower grows until it takes up all the space in your lungs and eventually kills you.” Bruce said quietly. Kate let out a sigh and wrapped her arms around you. You looked towards the door again and made eye contact with Peter. He signed something to you but your eyes were too blurry from the tears. The look of concern on his face only grew when he realized that you were crying. You had to look away before you threw up more flowers.
“I can’t do it.” You sniffled. “I can’t do the surgery.”
“But you could die without it.” Bruce warned you.
“I’d rather die than live without love.” You told him. Kate moved your hair off of your neck and blew on the back of it to calm you down as you cried.
“The surgery isn’t your only option. If you stop loving Pe-“ Bruce began but was met with a warning look from Kate.
“Uh -or whoever you love- then the disease will be cured.” Bruce continued.
“How am I supposed to stop loving him?” You asked as you wiped your face.
“How did you start?” Bruce mumbled. Kate gave him another look and he smiled apologetically.
“Y/n, this is not going to be easy. I need you to know that now. But if you want to stop loving him, you need to distance yourself from him. You won’t be able to stop feeling what you feel if you see him every day.” Bruce told you.
“I can’t just drop him.” You protested. “He’s my best friend.”
“I know he is.” Bruce sighed. “But I see the way you two interact. You will never get over him if you keep going the way you’re going.”
“What do you mean?” You scoffed. “What way are we going?”
Bruce and Kate exchanged a look and he decided to let her take this one.
“I know you think of Peter as your best friend. But people who are just friends don’t act the way you two act. Bruce is right. You’ll never be able to stop loving him if you’re around him all the time. If you want to get over him, you need to stay away from him.”
“I can’t do that.” You sniffled. “I can’t stay away from him. I love him. I can’t stay away.”
“You’re gonna die if you don’t.” Bruce said quietly. You heard knocking again and looked out the window at Peter. He had his hand pressed against the glass and was looking at you with concern in his eyes.
“How am I supposed to explain to him what’s happening?” You asked. “I can’t do that to him. I can’t break his heart.”
“Either you break his heart or you relinquish your own.” Bruce said as he put a hand on your shoulder. You put your hand over his and gave him a sad smile.
“Thanks, Dr. Banner. I should go.” You said and got off the table. You felt the butterflies in your stomach as you approached the door, knowing you’d have to face Peter.
“I’ll leave you guys to it.” Kate gave you a soft smile before walking away.
“What’s wrong? What did he say?” Peter asked you.
“He said I have a rare disease. I contracted it on the mission.” You told him.
“What disease? Are you okay? Are you in pain?” Peter signed. You could see the sheer panic on his face and felt the butterflies come flooding back. Before you could stop it, you were throwing up flowers on the floor of the hallway. Peter backed away in surprise before rubbing your back to comfort you.
“Did that just come out of you?” He asked you as he eyes stayed on the petals on the ground. You nodded and wiped your mouth again out of habit.
“How?” He signed.
“There’s a flower in my lungs.” You signed back.
“A flower? How did that get there?”
“It’s the disease. It grew in my chest.”
“Is there anything I can do to help you?” Peter asked. You looked at Peter for a minute and felt your eyes fill with tears.
“Yes actually. You have to stay away from me.” You signed and watched his face fall.
“Why? Is it contagious?”
“Yeah. It’s contagious.” You lied.
“Can’t I just wear a mask around you?”
“No, Peter. You need to stay away from me.” You signed again and he somehow looked even sadder.
“When will you be better?” He asked.
“I don’t know. It might not be for a long time.” You sighed as tears fell down your face. Peter pulled his sleeves over his hands so that he could wipe your tears. Once he was done, you coughed up more petals as he silently watched you.
“That’s okay.” He signed. “We can just text each other. And I could sit outside your door and stuff.”
“No, Peter. You have to stay away from me. You can’t talk to me or see me at all.” You signed to him and watched his face crumble.
“Why?”
“I don’t know how to explain it to you.” You signed as more tears fell down your face.
“Can you at least try?” Peter asked. You were about to sign something back when you felt the feeling return. You coughed up some more petals before turning to face Peter.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. Just stay away from me. Please. Just until I get better.” You signed to him and walked away. He caught your wrist and pulled you back towards him.
“I’ll miss you.” He signed. You smiled sadly and nodded your head.
“I’ll miss you too.”
“I love you.” Peter signed and you felt like your couldn’t breathe. You turned away from him and ran down the hallway, coughing up petals with each step.
You spent the next week isolated in your room. The girls would bring you food when you needed it and stay to hang out with you, which only confused Peter further. He would hang around on your floor and wait to see you the rare times you would leave your room. What he didn’t understand was why the girls could see you as they pleased but he was strictly forbidden from going anywhere near you. When he saw Tony coming out of your room one day, he decided to interrogate him.
“Did you just see Y/n?” Peter signed.
“What? Oh. Yeah. Yes.” Tony said and signed the word “yes” to Peter.
“How is she?” Peter asked. Tony tried to follow along but only recognized “how”.
“Uh…” Tony frowned and gave Peter a sympathetic look.
“Y/n. Is she okay?” Peter signed again, slower this time.
“Oh. Yes. She’d fine.” Tony said and signed “yes” again.
“Is there anything else you can tell me?” Peter signed and hoped his face would show the frustration he was feeling. Tony had no idea what he had said so he just gave Peter a weak smile and signed “yes” again.
The next day, Peter waiting on your floor until he saw Bruce leaving your room. Bruce had been going to see you every day to monitor your symptoms and was disappointed everyday to see that you were not getting better. Knowing that Peter was outside your door waiting for you was only making you sicker, but Peter didn’t know that. He waited for Bruce in the hallway and stepped in front of him.
“Is she okay?” Peter signed to him.
“She’s okay. You shouldn’t be over here.” Bruce signed back to the best of his abilities.
“When can I see her? Is she getting better?” Peter sighed. Bruce squinted as he tried to follow along, making Peter sigh in frustration.
“No. Not yet.” Bruce signed back, making Peter angrier.
“Well has she improved at all?” Peter asked. Bruce gave him a confused look and Peter groaned.
“I just want to see her. She won’t answer my texts.” Peter signed and Bruce understood with context clues.
“You can’t text her, Peter. You need it give her some space.”
“What kind of disease is so contagious that I can’t even text her?” Peter asked.
“It’s a rare disease. It works in weird ways.” Bruce signed back, making Peters frustration grow.
“Is that seriously all you can tell me? My best friend has been in quarantine for over a week and no one will tell me what’s going on. Does she even know I’m out here? And why do you get to see her if I don’t?”
“Slow down. I don’t understand when you go that fast.” Bruce signed as he struggled to follow along. Peter gripping his hair in frustration and looked up at the ceiling.
“I know you don’t. No one does. No one understands me but her. You took away the one person who I can have a conversation with and locked her in a room without telling me why. I miss her terribly. Why can’t I see her?”
“Because she’s contagious.” Bruce signed, only answering the question he understood.
“Then why do you get to see her? And how come all the girls get to see her? Why is every allowed in there but me?”
“Because you’re the reason she has the disease.” Bruce shouted before he could stop himself. Peter was able to read his lips and tilted his head in confusion.
“I’m the reason?”
“Now you understand me?” Bruce laughed sadly and shook his head.
“What do you mean that I’m the reason?” Peter asked.
“I can’t tell you. She asked me not to.” Bruce signed back. “It’s better if you don’t know. There’s nothing you can do about it anyway.”
“Please. I’m losing my mind here. She’s my best friend and she’s sick. I need to know what’s wrong.” Peter pleaded. Bruce looked at him for a minute before sighing.
“All right, fine. She has HanaHaki diesease.” Bruce signed, fingerspelling the name out for Peter.
“What? I’ve never heard of that.”
“She asked me not to tell you, so I won’t. But if you really need to know, you can look it up.”
“I understand. Thank you.” Peter signed. He went back to his room and pulled out his laptop. Peter typed out the word Bruce had spelled for him and clicked on the first article that came up. He remembered Bruce saying that he was the reason you were suffering and felt sick to his stomach. Peter shut his laptop and felt a weird feeling in his chest. He left his room and kept walking until he was out of the tower. Peter soon found himself on a park bench with a million thoughts running through his head. The city was busy with pedestrians walking by and on coming traffic, but to Peter, it was completely silent. He sat and thought about you and your friendship until an old woman came and sat beside him. Peter gave her an awkward smile and hoped she wouldn’t talk to him, but she did just that. Peter signed that he was deaf and the woman smiled warmly.
“I’m sorry to bother you. You looked like you were deep in thought. But this bench is my park buddy. I sit with her everyday.” The woman signed. Peter looked at her in confusion until he noticed the gold “in memory of” plaque on the bench.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” Peter signed back, and the woman gave him an appreciative smile.”
“She and I would go for walks around this park and then sit on this bench and chat. We had done it since we were kids. We were girls together. She was my best friend.”
“I have a best friend too. She’s sick right now. I can’t be with her.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” The old woman signed back.
“I just found out that she loves me. But I don’t know if I love her back. I’ve only ever thought of her as my best friend.” Peter signed and looked at the old women for advice. She smiled brightly and patted Peters knee.
“Isn’t that lovely? She loves you. You’re loved. That’s all anybody could ever want. So why do you look so sad?”
“I just want her to be happy. I want her to be okay again. But I don’t know if I can love her the way she loves me.”
“You said you can’t be with her right now because she’s sick, right? How would you feel if you could never be with her again?”
“I can’t even think about that. Just the thought makes me feel like there’s something in my chest taking up all my space to breathe. It physically hurts me to not be able to see her. I just want to be with her again.” Peter signed back and gave the woman a sad smile. The woman smiled back and patted Peters knee again.
“I think you love her more than you know.” She signed. “Go see her. You’ll know what to do.”
Peter nodded and got off the bench with a sense of urgency.
“Thank you.” He signed to the old woman. He reached up and pulled two flowers off the tree that was hanging over the bench and handed them to the woman.
“For you and your friend.” He signed to her. She gave Peter a grateful smiled and thanked him.
Peter grabbed one last flower and ran back to the tower. He sent you a text that he would be coming in and waited until it said you had read it to go in. When he pushed your bedroom door open, he saw cherry blossoms in piles all over your room. There were petals everywhere and whole flowers in other places, barely leaving any room to walk. Peter looked around in shock as you drew your knees to your chest.
“I brought you a flower but it seems like you have enough.” Peter signed, trying to break the ice.
“You have to get out. I’m contagious.” You signed back to him.
“I don’t care.” Peter signed as he sat down on your bed. You looked him up and down before coughing up some petals. Peter looked at you with eyes full of concern until you were done.
“I know about your disease.” Peter signed to you, and you gave him a confused look.
“I know about the cause.” Peter signed without meeting your eyes. He could see panic in your eyes when he finally looked at you and you angrily looked at the door.
“Bruce told you?” You asked, and Peter nodded. You angrily rolled your eyes and Peter saw you mouth and expletive.
“I had to drag it out of him. Which I should not have had to do. Why didn’t you tell me?” Peter asked you. You gave Peter a sympathetic look and sighed.
“Because it’s embarrassing. And there was nothing you could’ve done to help me. We can’t help what we don’t feel.” You signed before giving him a weak shrug.
“Who says I don’t feel anything for you?” Peter signed back.
“I know you love me, Peter. But I love you in a very different way.”
“What kind of way?”
“The kind of way that is killing me.” You signed and gave him a sad smile. Peter watched as you coughed up some more petals onto your bed. You wiped your mouth on the back of your hand and gave Peter an embarrassed smile. Peter reached over and tilted your chin up so that you would look at him.
“I read that there was a cure.” He signed.
“There is. But I decided against the surgery. It’s too risky.”
“That’s not the cure I was talking about.” Peter signed and gave you a soft smile. You looked at him in confusion as he wrapped a hand around the back of your neck. You felt the urge to cough up more petals just as Peter pulled you into a kiss. Your eyes flew open before slowly fluttering shut. You could feel the flower in your chest grow and grow until you couldn’t breathe. You pulled away from Peter and coughed up an explosion of flowers, more than you ever had before. Peter backed up a little and watched as the pink petals floated down and landed on your bed. When you finished, the feeling was gone from your chest. You looked up at Peter, who had petals in his hair and on his shoulders. You stared at each other in stunned silence for a minute before cracking a smile.
“Do you need a tissue or some fertilizer or something?” Peter signed, making you laugh even more.
“Can we pretend you didn’t just watch me regurgitate fully grown flowers like the bird from Up?” You signed back with an embarrassed smile.
“First of all, her name is Kevin. And don’t worry about it. I’ve seen worse. Remember your 2013 phase where you wore fedoras and feather earrings with every outfit?”
“Don’t remind me.” You rolled your eyes as you signed back to him.
“Remember your mustache phase? And your fake glasses phase? And those fake glasses you had with a mustache attached on a chain?” Peter went on with a cheeky smile.
“Why did you come in here just to attack me for my past fashion mistakes?” You asked him.
“I’m just trying to distract myself from that fact that we’re basically sitting in your vomit.” Peter signed before gesturing to the flowers in the room.
“Yeah. Cherry blossoms that came from inside your body.” He reminded you.
“And who’s fault is that? Yours. I would’ve have contracted Hannah Montana disease if you loved me back.” You signed with a playful roll of your eyes.
“It’s HanaHaki disease. And I’ve always loved you. I just didn’t realize it yet.” Peter signed back.
“You love me?” You asked with a soft smile.
“Don’t make a big deal out of it, loser.” Peter signed back, making you laugh.
“I love you too.” You told him and watched his face light up.
“Obviously. You wouldn’t be throwing up flowers if you just liked me as a friend.” Peter signed before gesturing to the flowers again.
“Actually, I’m beginning to rethink things. I don’t like you anymore. You’re kinda mean.”
“It’s too late. We’re in love now and they’re nothing you can do about it.” Peter signed.
“That’s okay with me.” You signed back. Peter smiled and pulled you by the hand into another kiss. He put his hands on your face as he kissed you, the very hands that you had watched a million times tell you a million different things. When you pulled away, Peter scrunched up his nose as if he tasted something bad.
“What?” You asked him.
“You taste like flowers. And as pretty as they smell, let’s just say there’s a reason people don’t eat flowers.” He signed to you, making you laugh again. You grabbed his face and kissed both of his cheeks from how happy you felt.
“How about I go brush my teeth and we try that again?“ You signed to him.
“Sounds good to me. But minus the sound.” Peter signed back before pointing to his ears. You threw your head back as you laughed and Peter sighed a little, wishing he could hear the sound.
“You know. Because I’m deaf.” He signed just to make you laugh again.
“Oh really? I never noticed that. I thought you were just Italian or something and talked with your hands.”
“Wow. My girlfriend is so funny. And please note that that was sarcastic because it’s hard to convey sarcasm with your hands.” Peter signed to you.
“Not really. You had a very sarcastic expression on.” You signed back with a chuckle. You kissed his cheek again and got off the bed to walk towards the bathroom. You stopped in the doorway and gave Peter a look.
“What?” He wondered.
“You called my your girlfriend.” You signed with a coy smile.
“Yeah. Is that okay?”
“Of course it’s okay. I just didn’t recognize the sign at first. I’ve never seen you use it before.” You told him.
“I’ll be using it a lot more now.” Peter signed as he smiled fondly at you.
“Can you do it again for me?”
“Girlfriend.” He signed before pointing at you and winking.
“It’s cute. I like it.” You signed.
“You’re cute. I like you.”
“I like you too.” You signed back with a happy smile. Peter gave you a knowing look as he picked up some flowers and dropped them on the bed.
Summary: Reader falls in love with Thorin even if he isn't always nice to her. Reader gets Hanahaki disease and it worsens everytime she realizes Thorin won't ever love her.
Hanahaki: A rare disease caused by unrequited love. It manifests when the afflicted believes their feelings are unrequited. Thus even if the feelings are requited, they will have to be convinced they are loved.
If the afflicted has been rejected then the disease will worsen and the afflicted will die within a few hours.
(I once read this version of Hanahaki somewhere but I don't remember where so it might seem familiar.)
Warnings: Angst, panic attack (but good ending, promise, I can't stand bad endings lol my heart can't take those)
You would've never guessed that love could produce such a disease. Flowers rooting themselves in your lungs, growing and limiting your breathing capabilities. Gandalf, the sly wizard, found you throwing bloody petals away and pulled you aside.
Your gut told you the Grey Wizard already knew who it was but you still refused to say. It was painful enough to realize he would never love you back, so why say it out loud? So you would die quicker? No. You refused to die until you've done your part in the Quest for Erebor.
Gandalf kindly (urgently) told you the 'cure' of the Hanahaki disease. Should you confess and your feelings are requited, then the disease would disappear. But the afflicted would need to truly believe they are loved, otherwise they will end up the same way should their feelings be unrequited. If you confess and the other person doesn't feel the same, then the afflicted would die within a few hours instead of dying a slow suffocating death.
After being transported from your home to Middle-Earth and stumbling upon the little hobbit hole, you were swept away on this quest. Gandalf had to do a lot of convincing the King under the Mountain to let you join the Company because he thought you would be an asset to the quest. How? You did not know...
You were certain you weren't fit for this quest but you knew the feeling of missing home. Something you hadn't talked about it with anyone yet. No one asked so you didn't say a word about it.
The first to approach you were the nephews, Bofur and Bilbo (and Gandalf of course). They made you feel welcomed when the others didn't.
Thorin didn't budge from his first impression of you. Frail, weak and just a human female. Useless and an extra mouth to feed.
Your first impression of him on the other hand was quite the opposite. He was more handsome than in the movies, more majestic and even more intimidating.
You developed a little crush on the brooding King but that was only because he was attractive. His personality made you gag in the beginning, but after some time on the quest, you saw through little actions that he cared greatly for his kin.
You began to admire him more, even if his attitude towards you was less than optimal and even though you weren't the recipient of his small acts of kindness. Even Bilbo was more accepted by the Company and Thorin than you were. This made you feel like an outcast.
Even though Thorin treated you like you were less, your crush on him began to develop into love because you saw what a great king he would be. The important decisions he makes and leading the Company, you wouldn't be able to do any of those things, and you doubt anyone just could. He was extremely loyal and honorable (just not to you I guess).
After a while your throat began itching and you felt an urge to cough. It began as an annoying itch and transformed into a painful cough. You didn't want to be seen as an inconvenience (even more than before) so you hid it.
Then came the petals. Bloody petals. Hiding these were easy enough since it didn't happen a lot, but Gandalf was able to pick up on it. It looked like he pitied you, and was always kind and understanding when you didn't want to say who it was (but he probably already knew).
After the ordeal with those trolls (were you weren't much of a help) Bilbo became more accepted into the Company than you (though Fili, Kili and Bofur were still very accepting and open minded).
The Company slowly opened up to you, reluctantly albeit, because of your gender. Dwarves thought that females should stay safe at home and not be out adventuring.
That hurt you to be honest. After transporting to this world you didn't have a home to turn to, but apparently these dwarves never realized that. It bothered you greatly since you never talked to anyone about your family, but you did talk about your world when certain dwarves asked questions about your world.
Little by little you began feeling more worthless and depressed, even when the Company keeps you company. (hah get it?)
You stayed quiet more than ever, only saying something when something was asked, and with less enthusiasm. The Company must've noticed how your mood dampened. You missed home and Thorin's harsh words didn't make it any better. He always remarked how you should've stayed home, but it's not like you a choice now had you? You always went out in the woods to cough out all the petals you were keeping in and hoped no one would notice.
One night, when you were keeping watch (yaaay you got a task...but it was a sign that the leader thought you weren't completely useless) you felt someone sitting next to you. You hoped your tears weren't visible as you were thinking of home and how you're probably stuck on Middle-Earth.
The fur of the King was unmissable as he was sitting next to you. Little did you know that he saw your tears glistening in the moonlight. He probably thought you were too emotional and not fit for this quest.
What he said next was unexpected. "I am sorry for how I acted towards you in this journey. You clearly have an effect on the moods of everyone here. So much, that when your mood dampened, it affects every one of us."
Confused you looked at Thorin and furrowed your brows. "There is something clearly bothering you, something you haven't told us. May I ask what it is?" He said with concern laced in his voice.
That made you break down and cry out all your pent up emotions. Thorin must've thought you were an annoyance as he shifted a bit, probably out of shock.
"I don't have a home, I don't have anyone, no family or friends to turn to, so when this journey is over where do I go?", you said with frustration and tears streaming down your face. You felt hopelessness increasing as you said those words aloud.
As your body was shaking, trembling, you put your head in your hands and soon your crying turned into a panic attack. Your mind foggy and blurry, face wet from the salty tears that were flowing down your cheeks, body shaking from the mental stress you endured during the trip.
Your breathing shortened and you brought your knees to your head while using your arms to shield yourself from the outside world.
You couldn't take it anymore missing home, the loneliness, being out of your comfort zone. Even if the Company was there to comfort you, it just wasn't the same. It became to much. You loved the soon-to-be-king and that didn't make it any easier.
His eyes widened as he took in your trembling figure. The gruff dwarf sat next to you, as seeing you in such a state made him want to comfort you. He didn't know everything about you but he had a snippet of knowing that you missed your home, even though you never said it. He heard it in your voice and when your eyes looked distant and glazed over.
He was very prideful, but seeing how he never saw signs that you would break down like this he got worried. He wondered how long you were bottling up all your emotions.
It comforted you greatly to have warmth next to you, especially when it was him.
After trying to get your breathing under control in which you failed as it almost induced another hyperventilation, Thorin helped you.
"Breathe in, breathe out, listen to my breathing and to my voice only," his deep baritone voice said as he turned to you and placed a hand on your back, "your doing great (y/n)."
The first time he said your name. That was enough to make you calm down but you didn't dare to look at him so you kept your eyes on the ground.
"I am truly sorry that I did not discuss this earlier with you," he said with a voice full of regret, "I didn't think how my words would've hurt you and how I treated you would've affected you. You are but a mere daughter of the Race of Men and this is a dangerous quest. Your life and health is my responsibility and I will not have you get killed because of a quest you have nothing to gain with. But I see that you did have a reason after all. It's my fault that I didn't see the dedication you put into your contribution to this quest."
It's true. You wanted to help them (after Gandalf informed you of this quest), because you didn't have a home either (at the moment).
In reality Thorin didn't hate you or anything, he thought it best to scare you away so he wouldn't have to worry about a woman getting hurt in his presence. Though it was very obvious that it wasn't a good method of showing his concerns. He felt an unknown pull towards you and it irritated him that he didn't know why.
"Perhaps," he continued, "when this journey is over and Erebor is ours again, I- we would love it if you stayed with us... in the mountain."
The dark-haired dwarf fidgeted a bit.
"R-really," you said tears still staining your face and a bittersweet smile after calming down a bit, "that would be my honour."
For the first time during this quest, Thorin smiled at you. A heartfelt and genuine smile. His eyes twinkled. "My apologies for being blind, my lady," he said with a soft look on his face, "you deserved better, and I will make sure no one treats you the way I treated you."
Both of you smiled at each other and began talking about your life before plunging in this world until it was time for the second watch.
~~
After that night, you felt better. Everyone treated like you were one of the Company and things seemed to go perfectly. Except your disease, which worsened.
Weeks after that night you finally had first watch with Thorin again. He was much nicer to you. He gave his coat to you on multiple occasions, made sure you ate enough and you loved it. But you dreaded moments alone because it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide your disease. After every one of those sweet moments you felt an urge to cough, because you realized your feelings would never be returned. He was just being friendly after that night.
You were having a pleasant talk with Thorin when you felt the petals coming up.
Throat itching more than ever, you began coughing violently, trying to catch your breath. Thorin saw you struggling and it alarmed him because he didn't know if you were sick or anything like that. As he raised his hand to rub your back to help you or soothe you while coughing since it looked painful, you turned away from him. You didn't want him to see the petals, almost full flowers now.
He still put his hand on your back. Then his eyes widened. Bloody petals. Bloody half-flowers.
He knew of this disease. He knew it was bound to end with a heartbreakingly and sad death.
You knew he had seen them.
"Who?" he asked with the softest voice you ever heard from him. His voice laced with concern and something you couldn't really place.
Shaking your head you said, "It doesn't matter."
"It matters, (y/n)," Thorin said sternly as he looked worriedly at you, "the person who holds your heart must see what a kind and strong person you are."
"If it's someone in the Company, I can talk to him if you want," the Dwarven King continued.
You hurriedly shook your head and looked up at him, slightly surprised by his concerned face, "No that's not needed, I am content watching from afar."
The gruff dwarf dropped it, for now. But you could see the glances and worried gazes from him across the campfire if he heard you cough or clear your throat.
Balin knew of your predicament as he also knows of the extremely rare disease and saw some of the telltale signs. And seeing his King staring at your sleeping figure also cleared up some things for the old dwarf.
Balin, together with Oin helped you hide it from the rest of the company, they were already protective enough and you didn't want to complicate matters further. Oin made something that would soothe your aching throat.
One evening Thorin followed you out when you were 'gathering wood'. And was surprised to see you coughing up full flowers, blood included.
Tears were streaming down you face as your throat burned from all the flowers you had to cough up.
"(Y/n)?"
You turned around and saw Thorin's eyes glazing over. "Please, tell me who it is. I will do everything in my power to make them see what a beautiful woman you are. If not, please let Gandalf help you."
He was referring to the surgery to remove the disease, which would also remove your ability to ever love again. You couldn't blame people for taking or not taking the surgery. Everyone to their own. You understood the pros and cons of undergoing the surgery, but you liked the pros of suffering from the disease more than the consequences.
You only shook your head as you began crying. "You know I can't, I don't want to be rejected. I'd rather die loving him than live never being able to love."
"Who is hurting your heart, amralime?", the usually gruff dwarf said with a cracked voice, "please, let me help you. I can't bear to see you suffering like this."
Thorin's eyes were glazing over and he held a very sorrowed look. His heart was breaking as yours was, but you didn't know that. The foreign word was also unknown to you which made you confused but you didn't pay any attention to it. You still refused.
"(Y/n), please," he put his forehead on yours, "I'm begging you. I love you too much to let this go. I don't want to lose you. I want you to be my Queen under the mountain so please... let me in. Even if you don't love me, I will still love you even after I go to Mahal's Halls. You are my One, (y/n)."
Gasping as your eyes widened at his confessions. The tears streaming down your face turned from sadness turned to tears of happiness.
You smiled brightly at him. "You love... me? ", your voice wavered.
"Yes, I do. I truly do," he said with a light smile on his face as a tear of worriedness trickled down his cheek. All the brooding dwarf wanted, was for you to be happy.
"But...," your smile faltered and you stared at him, "w-why?"
It broke Thorin's heart to hear you say that for he thought you were the definition of perfection, "At first I didn't know what I was feeling but then I saw you for who you really are. You didn't complain and kept walking while the others complained and whined. I fell in love with you, your beauty and personality. I was hoping to be the target of your affections, but if it's someone else... I would totally understand for I am not an exemplary dwarrow." The blue-eyed dwarf looked at you with a pleading look in his eyes.
"Thorin, if you would've told me this sooner then... this disease wouldn't have gotten so far," you said with a gaze filled with adoration, "I-I love you too, Thorin."
Suddenly, your breathing hitched and you couldn't breathe... Thorin looked alarmed "Ghivashel, what's wrong?"
Clawing at your throat you tried to catch your breath. As if the Valar heard Thorin's whimpers when you collapsed, you started to breath again. Normally, without any pain whatsoever.
You could feel the disease going away as it had a strong reaction to the feelings Thorin and you held for each other.
"I'm fine, my love. Everything's going to be fine," you reassured the love of your life as he held you.
Thorin smiled brightly as he finally had you in his arms and he had no fear of you loving someone else. Just him and only him. You were made for each other and the Valar knew it.
Summary: love is beautiful, but very painful. y/n stark learned this the hard way. now that peter and mj are together, y/n’s hanahaki is eating up the remaining time she has on earth. and as long as peter doesn’t know, she was willing to accept her fate.
Warnings: cursing, blood, angst,
note: i am accepting mood board submissions if any of you guys made one! would really love to see your works! just tag me in your posts.
mood board is made by me. i’m open for requests!
the first and original mood board is made by @gwenvrse. check out her works and request! ❤️
gif banner by @lolaywrites ! also check out her works they’re amazing 💗
