#harmful relationship

[purpleplague2]

Lorica and Candy, they have a close relationship

Featured flower is deadly nightshade

[the-sigillist]

“End harmful relationships.”

[Sigil to put an end to harmful relationships]

[luciferprompts]

Dark prompt: Whenever Lucifer does something Chloe doesn't like, she tells him that this is not who he really is. At first, Lucifer tries to conform to her vision of his true self, but he finally comes to realize that Chloe's version isn't who he really is anymore than Eve's version was. Neither of them know or accept the real him, and trying to be the version of him Chloe finds acceptable is only hurting him.

[secret-life-of-a-nobody]

A Relationship Like Glass

What happened?

We used to talk everyday about everything, we still do through our phones, but now when we talk it’s like waiting for a glass to fall. It’s a painful pause full of grasping hands never quite catching what they reach for.

Maybe this is our relationship now?

Constantly waiting for the catch, the saviour, the topic we can talk about or the place we can be us. Or maybe we are destined for a smash; our relationship will shatter, a resounding crash will sound each time our thoughts drift to the other. Maybe we’ll even become so toxic that our friendship becomes a taboo, something no one talks about for fear that a shard of what used to be will prick them and we’ll become a dangerous mess on the floor.

Perhaps I am over-thinking – after all we are not glass and, when we are good together, we are really good together.

Nights spent discussing each other, life, philosophy, psychology and whatever else crossed our minds. We are both so clever and so opinionated.

I won’t bore you with scripts of previous conversations but each topic we discussed could start a fire.

Is the reason we don’t work anymore because of the change in our circumstances or will we mend our relationship?

The uncertainty builds and the glass is mere inches from the floor

[semiodicks]

Healing?

Trying to heal from a relationship that held me emotionally, and, at times, sexually hostage seems so impossible sometimes. It's painful to realize a person I loved so deeply hurt I in such a way. It's even more challenging to realize I did much of the same. I've come out different, yet I seem to be entrenched in the past. He wasn't always emotionally unavailable, or manipulative for that matter. He was kind to me, and I did feel loved. What happens then, when he's on top of me, and he knows I'm not aroused at all? What happens when he keeps going? What happens then, when instead of telling him to stop, I keep quiet because things in the relationship are not so great? What can I say, when the entire relationship has robbed me of my voice, and I'm emotionally attached to an unhealthy degree? I just lay there, close my eyes, and wish for something better. I open my eyes, and everything is worse. I used to be so sure of myself; my identity, my passions, my aspirations, and my sense of direction were all known to me. Now, I don't know which way is up, what to do, how to think, or who I am. I just guess on what to do next and hope that what I do rectifies everything. I've never felt so wholly uncertain in my entire life.

[toasty-toast]

You are not obligated

Okay, just want to share a story with you people, less judgement would be grateful.

So there was this guy I met at work almost two years ago, let's call him John, and John was socially awkward, at work. Nobody really understood him, and nobody really liked talking to him. Eventually he and I had to work together, and I thought, "Hey, you know nothing about him, give him a chance."

The kind of person John was perceived to be by most women at work, was arrogant, misogynistic, and too talkative. One day while I was sitting around after work on my phone he sat across from me and snatched my phone out of my hands. I told him that it's not nice, and he could just ask, he mockingly replied, "Oh really? I didn't know. I'm sorry." I then unwillingly gave him my phone number after he put his number in my phone. Now, of course I could have just deleted his number, but ever the optimist and my willingness in giving people second chances, (even at first impressions) I decided to text him back whenever he texted me.

When we began texting, he was always crude, and always asking me sexual questions. What's your bra size? Are you wearing underwear? Do you masturbate? Have you had sex? Are you even wearing underwear? Can we skype and you masturbate and I can watch? Have you ever had sex with a girl? How many guys have you been with? The questions were endless, and I always answered them honestly, because I saw no harm, really. After gaining enough of his trust, I told him the reason he doesn't have a girlfriend is because he is rude, and asks crude questions. He then asks me directly after that if I would be his girlfriend. I told him no.

I talked to him practically every day for about a month and he seemed to have changed. He was slightly kinder and talked less about sex and porn and whatnot. I got to know different things. I introduced him to music, tv shows, video games, and he showed me various new video games. But if there was a show or something on YouTube he found himself laughing his ass off, I usually didn't understand, but I would pretend to understand to make him feel better.

Eventually he tried asking me to be his girlfriend again, and I told him no, but he kept asking, and asking, and asking, and even texting me asking me so I did eventually give in and say yes, and when I did everything went downhill, and my life became a living hell.

Too often were his feeling hurt, and I almost had to tip toe around him about the stupidest things. If I talked to other guys he would interrogate me about it. If I added a new friend on Facebook he would inquire me about it. He would always want me to hang out, but I always had to go to his place. He never wanted to go anywhere I wanted to go, and never wanted to do things I wanted to do. If I didn't text him back fast enough he would spam my text messaging and my Facebook messaging.

I couldn't do anything without his consent or he would get mad. If I wanted to stay home, or if I wanted to hang out with a friend he would make me feel bad about it, and guilty that I didn't want to hang out with him. He pressured me to have sex with him, and I told him I was not comfortable doing that, but he would still force himself on top of me. One time he got too far and I barely escaped with my virginity. I ran out of his house and ran home as fast as I could, which, I might add was a 2.5 mile walk between our places, anywhere between 2-3 hours of a walk, depending on traffic.

And after that I still gave him another chance. I regret giving him this next chance. But nonetheless...

We "dated" for about a year. Doing various things. I always going over to his place, and he always complaining about having to go anywhere I wanted to go. He didn't pressure me to have sex as much but always needed to be in my business, and needed to know where I was, who I was with, etc, etc.

There came a point where he said to me, "My step-mom is moving back. I either need to move back with her, or find a place of my own here. I can't live on my own... move in with me." I told him, I don't have a car, or a license, and I hate riding the bus, it's never been a good experience. He gave me the ultimatum: Move in with him, or he is breaking up with me and moving with his step-mom to Montana. I said, I'm sorry, I just can't afford moving in with you. He then panicked, and said, "I am moving in two weeks. I can't live without you. Move to Montana with me." I told him, "I'm sorry I really am not ready to move that far right now. I am still young." (Me being 20, and he being 19, and 20 in about three weeks)

About two days after he left he texted me and told me he misses me, and can't live without me, and he still wants a relationship with me. I told him, "I'm sorry. I just don't think I am the person for long-distance relationships. It's not my thing." He asked me to do some inappropriate Skyping, and I just told him, no, and he asked why not, and I told him because I don't want to.

And then it all went to ruins. He immediately blew up my phone with angry texts, saying I am a bitch for not giving him a chance. He said I am a prude who will never get laid. He said, thanks for friend-zoning me like everyone else. Mostly kept calling me a "fucking bitch" who cared nothing for him, and just dragged his heart along like it was some ride. He ended this long rant with "Nice guys finish last. Well, fml I give up. Fuck you. I am killing myself tonight."

I panicked. I kept texting him to text me or call me. I kept calling him, on various phones, hoping he would pick up. I messaged him tons on Facebook, pleading that he answers, just so I know he's alive. I texted and messaged his friends in Montana, who said they hadn't heard from him. I told them I was worried he might harm himself, and they said they would let me know if they heard from him. I checked all his online gaming accounts, and he wasn't on any of them.

I broke down and screamed. I sat in my closet and cried for hours. I felt like I killed him. Like it was all my fault. And in the middle of the night I got a text message from him that just said, "What." 

He didn't kill himself. He told me "I didn't, but I wanted you to feel like I did, so you would feel as shitty as I did when you rejected me." Whatever ounce of feeling I had for him, whether it be romantic or platonic, died. Instantly. I was so pissed off. I wasn't sad. I was angry. I was angry at him for lying to me, and putting me through, not just the past few hours, but the past year. I said, "Goodbye, John Doe." and left it at that.

In that same instant, I blocked him on Facebook, and Steam, and any gaming site I knew we were both part of. I saw from my other friends' Facebooks that he was putting me down in all his posts. It was obvious they were about me because all his friends knew we were dating. It made me feel like shit. I couldn't help being offended by everything he was saying about me, and I asked myself if what he was saying was true. I became depressed and gained 15 pounds.

I also gained nightmares. I would dream he was strangling me, or he was trying to kiss me, or just holding me down in general, it varied. I had these nightmares for about three weeks every night. Until one night I told myself I needed to be fully rid of him. I tried to think, can I alter my dreams? And so that night I tried, and when he started to approach me in my nightmare, I pulled out a gun and shot him in the face. I jolted awake and almost fell off my bed during that dream. I was covered in sweat, and my heart rate and breathing were elevated. I slept peacefully the rest of the night. Sometimes that nightmare comes back to me, and I solve it the same way.

I now realize that relationship with John Doe was a toxic relationship, and I don't need it poisoning my life any longer. 

If you have made it this far in my post, congrats, and thank you so much for staying to the end, reading all this shit about my life. But here's the point. After all this I told myself, "Toast, stop. You are not obligated to date anyone."

If you find yourself in a similar situation where you feel pressured to do anything, whether it be dating, or going somewhere, or doing something, I am here to tell you, you are not obligated to do anything you don't want to do.

Don't date anyone to feel complete, don't date anyone because you are obligated, don't date anyone because you owe them. You are your own person. You are as complete as you want to be. You don't need anyone to make you feel otherwise.

I want my followers to know I love you guys, and I appreciate if you actually read through this. If you stumbled upon this, cool, thanks for reading.

You are amazing as you are and don't need anyone else to say otherwise.