I'm probably the worst possible person for this Ask, Anon.
I like studying religion and theology, but I'm an atheist.
This doesn't get asked, however, except by someone who is hurting, who believes in God, and who feels abandoned.
It would feel wrong to hear that pain and ignore it - so I'm going to try to answer as honestly as I can. I don't think I need to share your faith to speak respectfully of it.
All I can offer, though, is my sympathy and a few thoughts.
The feeling of being abandoned by God is well known theme throughout much of Jewish literature and history.
The only kind of God I can imagine who might be worthy of the name in a world which is filled with unjust pain...is a God who is not an interventionist.
But that doesn't help, right? Knowing God isn't a vending machine isn't exactly comforting when you're starving and would give anything for a bag of Gardettos and a Dr. Pepper.
I think I was 13 when I read Rabbi Harold Kushner's take on how to reconcile the reality of human sufferingwith the concept of God's omnibenevolence.
Maybe, says Rabbi Kushner, God doesn't help because God isn't here to prevent pain. Just to witness it with us.
Rabbi Kushner might say that God does care and that God hurts when you hurt....but God does not control everything that happens to us.
The universe, says Kushner, is morally random. Disease, accidents, and cruelty are not sent by God as tests or punishments, they're simply part of a world that is not yet perfected.
God's role, says Rabbi Kushner, is not to prevent bad things from happening, but to give us the strength to endure them, the courage to keep going, and the capacity to find meaning in our pain...and this appeals to me as an atheist who embraces the idea that sanctity and meaning are things we create, not things we are given. (I started reading existentialism at 13, too.)
When God doesn't 'help' in the way we expect, Kushner says it's not because God has turned away, but because God's help isn't given in preventing the storm...but in helping us with the rebuilding afterwards.
I'm sorry you're hurting, Anon.
If you're Jewish, please know that being frustrated with or angry at God is okay? And that you're not the first Jew to feel abandoned by God by any stretch of the imagination.
I've never liked the idea of petitionary prayer...and I don't think that's the sort of prayer most Jews engage in.
I quoted Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel at my Bar Mitzvah because this sentiment struck me as true and valuable to both believer and atheist:
Prayer may not bring water to parched fields, nor mend a broken bridge, nor rebuild a ruined city. But prayer can water an arid soul, mend a broken heart, rebuild a weakened will.
So...I'm not going to pray for you, Anon. I feel like that's a patronizing sort of response to hearing someone is in pain.
But maybe you can find some solace in that sort of prayer, regardless of who might (or might not) hear your prayers. If that doesn't appeal to you, perhaps a walk in nature, quiet contemplation, or meditation may help.
Rabbi Kushner would also likely say that God's help is delivered mostly through people.
Please ask for help where you can, and be open to receiving it when help is offered? Asking isn't easy. Accepting isn't easy. I hope you'll do it anyway.
Whatever you're going through, you can get through it, with or without an interventionist God.
