This was way too long to be an ask...
Hey so I’m the anon that asked you if you’ve ever felt depressed. Thank you so much for responding. Honestly, I can’t really say much more than that because no words ever describe the feeling of reassurance and having someone be able to relate to you when you’re locked inside of your own mind. And thank you headcumberbabe for sharing your story, too. Talking about things like this is hard, especially hard to see it typed out in black letters. But it’s good to know there are others who understand.
When I sent that anon message I had hit a low point, a point that I hadn’t been at in so long. Like I said, I suffered with severe GAD and panic disorder due to a series of traumatic events. Long story short, I overcame that anxiety. But it wasn’t easy. I had to quit my job (my boss refused to give me half a day off per week for my therapy sessions), I lost the majority of my friends, had to move to a completely different and new location (fresh start), and spent about 6 months in isolation. Before I moved house I didn’t want to go outside, I didn’t want to socialise…nothing. When I was ready, I attended CBT sessions and was lucky enough to have a fantastic therapist who I was able to talk to. In the space of 8 months, I have achieved so much. I am not the same person that I was a year ago.
However, I now have to deal with the aftermath of the last couple of anxiety-riddled years. I guess it’s kind of like starting life over again. New friends, new job, new hobbies…all of which aren’t easy to find. I’m sure I will eventually, but it’s horrible being stuck in limbo (or stuck in the house, should I say) when you finally want out. Then there’s the grudges, against the people who should of been there for you but weren’t. The people who did you wrong throughout all those years…the people that could have helped you from spiralling into an awful illness. People who failed their jobs at safeguarding you. Obviously anger is no good for anybody, so it’s learning to let go go it. Which is also the hard part.
Also, can I add that yes it can be important to ‘get help’…but only if you want to. There’s no point in going to traditional therapy if you’re not ready for it, because therapy only works if you want it to work. This sounds odd but I have found it to be true…but then again, everyone is different. Find your own therapy if you want to (mine was reading, it helped me find and understand myself better).
It’s the same with medication… you take it if you want to. I never did because the side effects outweighed the benefits. But of course, if you have feelings of suicide then please do not suffer in silence…no matter what you think your life is precious and we and the world love you.
If you want to sit in your room for a month eating ice-cream and cake and watching netflix then you do that first. I had 6 months of down time before I felt ready to attend therapy. I always felt that people telling me to go to the doctors, take meds, or sign up for therapy never helped me. I had to do that part on my own, when I was brave and calm enough to face my illness. What was really helpful was learning some techniques to cope with panic attacks in the mean time.
It took a lot of guts for me to write this, to admit that I’m still struggling even though there are times when I think it’s silly because technically I’m so much better than I was. But the brain is a mysterious thing and it can be the devil in your head.
So, I hope someone finds comfort in reading this, and know that they’re not the only one like I have just learned. I think it’s good to talk, even if it’s through a computer and you don’t really know the person. I would love to help someone, it makes me feel like this whole thing hasn’t been for nothing. Thanks Bleuwrites for hosting a safe place to talk about this stuff! I <3 you.
